Lost interest ? and thoughts appreciated

[Confusedcarl]

So I've been dating this girl (I say girl but I mean women ) for 2 months now and everything has been progressing so smoothly and flawlessly it's almost with no effort put forth.

So like I said 2 months. We've been on several dates have had sex every single time we see each other. I've stayed at her house on multiple occasions after her insisting that I do. We get along in every sense, and have had 0 arguments or quarrels.

As all this happened through out these 2 months we open up to each other about past relationships and naturally we progress into an exclusive retaliation ship after I had asked to become that. Now when I say exclusiveness I don't mean we're in a official relationship. Just one where we only see each other.

 

So just recently I just notice a slowing in communication. I brush it off cause it's the holidays and she's on vacation. She finally gets back we see each other everything is in the norm we have another awesome night together. Then I go home the next day. We communicate everyday as she says all the normal nice things about me she usually does.

But then one morning I wake up to a message from her stating that she thinks she might be leading me on and how she isn't meaning to be but she feels hat she is. She continues on the text about how great I am and missing all the time sucks but she doesn't feel as committed as she should for it to continue. She then tells me how badly she wants to stay friends and still hang out together. Bit then she ended it all with saying that she needed to collect and contemplate everything she was feeling.

 

What I want to know is how everything flipped a 180 in two days time and what I'm supposed to do about this. We're supposed to get together and talk in person in 2 days. What should I make of this? Is she confused and scarred to move forward because she is afraid of how good things are or the polar opposite and just trying to let me down easy.

 

Thoughts and advice is much appreciated.

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[Danda]

To me it sounds like she is a love bomber, but she is starting to do some introspection and is perhaps realizing that she moves too fast and intensely, and that perhaps it's unhealthy and also unfair to whoever she is dating (in this case, you).

 

It's somewhat rare for a PD to achieve this level of introspection and then have the courage to be honest about it with the person they've been love bombing, so although it might not feel good, please bear in mind that it is a good thing.

 

However, you are under no obligation to remain friends with her, so if she winds up realizing that many of her feelings for you were actually feelings coming from dysfunction within herself, and she decides to not pursue romance with you, No Contact and moving on is perfectly okay if that's what you need.

 

If she keeps changing her mind a lot, then please take it as a sign that she is struggling with a bumpy introspection journey and that if you stay, you will get yanked around and hurt a lot.

 

However, if she slows it all way down and then keeps it that way - slow, steady and natural, and you are okay with 'starting over' a bit, then there is nothing wrong with that, either. People with PDs can change and get better. Just take care.

[salparadise]

But then one morning I wake up to a message from her stating that she thinks she might be leading me on and how she isn't meaning to be but she feels hat she is. She continues on the text about how great I am and missing all the time sucks but she doesn't feel as committed as she should for it to continue. She then tells me how badly she wants to stay friends and still hang out together. Bit then she ended it all with saying that she needed to collect and contemplate everything she was feeling.

 

Is she confused and scarred to move forward because she is afraid of how good things are or the polar opposite and just trying to let me down easy.

 

Of course, it's impossible for us to say with any certainty what she's feeling or what is motivating the pullback. It could be either of the two possibilities you mentioned, there could be another guy in the picture, or she could be trying to get you to engage in the chase-woo-pursue game.

 

What is known is that she needs some drama. If she were really done she would probably just say so. Saying that in a text is really immature and manipulative in my opinion. I think you need to talk in person so you can have her explain herself and be able to read her body language. I think you should be calm, steady and just say something like, well that's a shame because I thought things were going well and I was starting to feel optimistic about us.

 

Then just leave the ball in her court. Show her that you're interested but decline to engage in drama. If she was pushing away because of fear, she'll have pull back when she realizes she's pushed too much and you're not sufficiently hooked. If she's actually not interested just accept it and move on. If she reiterates the crap about being friends still hanging out, just say no thank you- that's not going to work for me.

 

Personally, I think she's pulling your strings because of the part about continuing to hang out and be friends. The way to deal with that is be steady and show her that you're not going to engage in mind games, and she'll have to go through the gyrations all by herself. But you have to be prepared for it to end- ultimately, the way you maintain control and refuse to be the puppet is by accepting that possibility and being ok with it rather than engaging in dramatics.

[Confusedcarl]

Of course, it's impossible for us to say with any certainty what she's feeling or what is motivating the pullback. It could be either of the two possibilities you mentioned, there could be another guy in the picture, or she could be trying to get you to engage in the chase-woo-pursue game.

 

What is known is that she needs some drama. If she were really done she would probably just say so. Saying that in a text is really immature and manipulative in my opinion. I think you need to talk in person so you can have her explain herself and be able to read her body language. I think you should be calm, steady and just say something like, well that's a shame because I thought things were going well and I was starting to feel optimistic about us.

 

Then just leave the ball in her court. Show her that you're interested but decline to engage in drama. If she was pushing away because of fear, she'll have pull back when she realizes she's pushed too much and you're not sufficiently hooked. If she's actually not interested just accept it and move on. If she reiterates the crap about being friends still hanging out, just say no thank you- that's not going to work for me.

 

Personally, I think she's pulling your strings because of the part about continuing to hang out and be friends. The way to deal with that is be steady and show her that you're not going to engage in mind games, and she'll have to go through the gyrations all by herself. But you have to be prepared for it to end- ultimately, the way you maintain control and refuse to be the puppet is by accepting that possibility and being ok with it rather than engaging in dramatics.

 

So that's what I was thinking about the her texting me about it. Also the fact that she wants to get together and hang out/talk. I just don't really know what to make of the lack of communication over these last few days.

[Satu]

It's highly likely that there's somebody else, and that she's playing the field.

 

But even if that's not the case, she's made it clear that doesn't want to make a commitment.

 

I would just move on find someone who is looking for something more lasting.

[Confusedcarl]

It's highly likely that there's somebody else, and that she's playing the field.

 

But even if that's not the case, she's made it clear that doesn't want to make a commitment.

 

I would just move on find someone who is looking for something more lasting.

 

You would think that if that were the case she'd be a little more upfront about it.

We talk about a lot of serious stuff and this being serious you figure she would just be honest.

[salparadise]

But even if that's not the case, she's made it clear that doesn't want to make a commitment. I would just move on find someone who is looking for something more lasting.

 

People don't always say exactly what they mean, and if I read it correctly he wasn't pushing for more commitment.

 

Women sometimes test to see where they stand, or for who knows what reason. It's not necessarily a conscious, deliberate thing but may come from a feeling of insecurity and wanting to see if she can elicit an emotional response as confirmation of whatever... connection, power, etc.

 

In my experience, the best way to deal with it is to say what you feel but don't overreact. Certainly don't plead with them to change their mind––that makes you look weak. If they see that you're unwavering and willing to let them go if that's what they choose, then oftentimes they make the effort to get things back on track.

 

This happened to me twice in recent years. One woman told me after a few months of dating (and lots of great sex) that she had decided to be celibate until she was married (religious reasons). I just told her, well, I'm sad to hear that because I really adore you but I have no intention of being celibate- life is too damn short for that nonsense. And you can't really put that genie back in the bottle, now can you? So after some discussion she asked if I still wanted to see her again and I said, yes of course... and if it's the last time we see each other I want the goodbye to be as sweet as the time we've spent together. She arrived a few days later and capitulated within an hour or two without any pressure from me.

 

In the second case, the woman had something of an emotional spasm (over nothing) and left saying that it wasn't meant to be. Next day she sends a text asking if we could just be friends. I said, no I have sexual feelings for you so that won't work and I wished her well. I thought it was really over, but two days later I get another text asking if I could accept an apology. I said yes, if one were offered with the utmost sincerity I could. So basically I was saying that asking that question does not suffice- I expect to actually hear an apology. She did and we were on again.

 

People get confused about their own emotions and turn it into drama. If you affirm the person and ignore the drama, sometimes it works. No guarantees.

Edited January 9, 2015 by salparadise