Author towardthefuture Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Day 28 I definitely have developed a healthy amount of hatred toward her and my love has shrank considerably. The betrayal, the abandonment, the lying (whether about an affair, or the lying that she loved me for months before the breakup when she didn't), the disconnect from the person she remembers leaving and the person I am now, the idea of her ****ing another man. The cruelty of the manner in which she left which displayed a lot of disrespect and disdain. Today I'm focused on the things in the relationship that made me unhappy, whether they're justified or not. She didn't support my dreams. We didn't have common interests, which is part of the reason our relationship got boring. There was no doing 'our' thing, just trading 'her' thing and 'my' thing. I didn't like her friends. I didn't like her family and her family didn't like me. I don't think she'll be contacting me any time soon. My behavior after the breakup was shoddy, but also I feel like after 8 years, she decided she hates me and that will take a while to wear off. I still miss her. But I also ****ing hate her. It's a weird feeling.
Author towardthefuture Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) Found out I have a painting her sister painted on my wall. Thinking about texting her 'hey how are you?" to test the waters and if its a negative response or no response following up with 'do you want this?' And if it's a positive response trying to rebuild her attraction leading to a coffee so she can see my changes. Good idea or bad idea? We got together at 19 (me) and 22 (her). I had a girlfriend before and had hooked up with a few girls. I was her first everything. I feel like she's going through a later in life gigs type thing, partly because of how complacent I got in the relationship. Part of me thinks I should just do my own thing and not inject myself into what she's going through at all. Edited January 26, 2015 by towardthefuture
AlexfromBoston Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Found out I have a painting her sister painted on my wall. Thinking about texting her 'hey how are you?" to test the waters and if its a negative response or no response following up with 'do you want this?' And if it's a positive response trying to rebuild her attraction leading to a coffee so she can see my changes. Good idea or bad idea? We got together at 19 (me) and 22 (her). I had a girlfriend before and had hooked up with a few girls. I was her first everything. I feel like she's going through a later in life gigs type thing, partly because of how complacent I got in the relationship. Part of me thinks I should just do my own thing and not inject myself into what she's going through at all. Its not hatred you have man, its an obsession. Trust me, you are fuming over her because you feel betrayed. DO NOT text her...thats my advice at the moment. Give it more time. You should NEVER text her when your emotions are running as high as yours are now. If you can eventually forgive her and want to re-establish a connection, then make your move. As of now, you are too emotional and you will blow it. Take a breath, relax, and put her in the back of your mind. Find something else to do and forget about her. Once you start making headway in your personal life, she will suddenly pop back up. In some cases, I recommend shooting a text such as yours; however, I can immediately sense that you are still too emotional. I promise, you wont get the reaction you feel you deserve and you will embarrass yourself. Give it more time. Keep me posted man, I'm curious how this pans out. PM me if you want to hit me up.
Zahara Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Found out I have a painting her sister painted on my wall. Thinking about texting her 'hey how are you?" to test the waters and if its a negative response or no response following up with 'do you want this?' And if it's a positive response trying to rebuild her attraction leading to a coffee so she can see my changes. Good idea or bad idea? This thread started with the good idea or bad idea. Time and time again, it's been advised that it is a bad idea. The advice doesn't change. You keep trying to concoct ways to get yourself infront of her. Part of me thinks I should just do my own thing and not inject myself into what she's going through at all. Part of you is right. Stay the course. She's living her "gigs" and you need to start living and pathing your own course.
Author towardthefuture Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) Its not hatred you have man, its an obsession. Yeah I am definitely still obsessed. Definitely cooler than the first month for sure, but month number 2 is tough. I'm not sure I can forgive her yet. I mean, she chose somebody else over me, threw me away after 8 years without even saying something like, "Hey, I'm not attracted any more, we're going in different directions, we need to work this out or split up." I deserved that. I've been obsessed with her for 8 years. Most of it in a good way. Actually for the first 6 years she pursued ME. I stayed with her when she was lost in her late 20s and changing careers and went through a real unattractive phase for two years. Then all of the sudden I got really really sick and unemployed, went through my own late 20s lost and unattractive phase and she cheated on me and left me for someone else. WTF???? This morning I had a dream I met her new guy at a party and he told me they were dating for 6 months while we were still together. Woke up in a really weird mood. This thread started with the good idea or bad idea. Time and time again, it's been advised that it is a bad idea. The advice doesn't change. You keep trying to concoct ways to get yourself infront of her. Yeah, I know. And I'm following the advice. Haven't contacted her at all. You are my training wheels....... reminding me to stay off the drug (contact). Part of you is right. Stay the course. She's living her "gigs" and you need to start living and pathing your own course. Actually I feel like my life is going pretty good right now. I described it to one of my friends as 'being on this huge winning streak where everything good hits you at like 70% the impact it should because you've just been in a car accident'. If I can get a job (have an interview tomorrow my old boss got me) I will have officially fixed *everything* I think I did wrong in my relationship. By now I've realized she probably would have left me even if I had done all this stuff 8 months ago, but I still feel pretty good about where I'm at personally. I definitely started this little journey for her, but definitely at a certain point it stopped being for her and became all about self love, self respect and being the person I want to be. I think partly I'm still obsessing about her because I'm not getting the response rate/attention/validation of the attractiveness of the new me I want on OKcupid. Edited January 27, 2015 by towardthefuture
AlexfromBoston Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Oh man Toward, yea lol, I've done all the dating sites including OkCupid. You wont get immediate satisfaction on there...trust me. I've met a few very attractive women on there after I messaged them months prior. Basically, they explained that they get so inundated with emails that they can hardly filter through them all. Don't fret man, just keep your profile up and let it do some work. Its akin to having a few lines dangling from the back of your boat. You are just going to have to be patient until you catch something. Hey, and maybe your ex was dating him before you two were officially broken up. This happens all the time to sooooooo many men its silly. Who cares, right? What can you do at this point? Fashion a DeLorean into a time machine and fix things? Just delete her from your life and focus on the future. Full speed a head bro. Just imagine how sweet it will be when you land a girl far better than your ex and you run into her at a bar, mall, whatever. She is going to go nuts...you know why? Because women don't like to be upstaged and replaced. I swear, she can sense you sulking right now and knows that she can continue to have fun and just yank you back when she's bored. And truth be told, she probably could right now. So zap that ability away from her..take the power back and go for better. Trust me on this, women don't just dump all emotions at the drop of a hat. She's experiencing the dreaded "gigs". So when she sees you out with an attractive girl you'll end up getting a text the next day saying, "hey Toward, you looked really cute last night"....or something to that effect. And then you can politely thank her and ask her to stop texting. Then you can explain to her that "you lost your attraction and went a different direction".
Author towardthefuture Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Oh man Toward, yea lol, I've done all the dating sites including OkCupid. You wont get immediate satisfaction on there...trust me. I've met a few very attractive women on there after I messaged them months prior. Basically, they explained that they get so inundated with emails that they can hardly filter through them all. Don't fret man, just keep your profile up and let it do some work. Its akin to having a few lines dangling from the back of your boat. You are just going to have to be patient until you catch something. Yeah, I am a lot more charming in person. But I don't meet a lot of women in my day to day life unfortunately. I swear, she can sense you sulking right now and knows that she can continue to have fun and just yank you back when she's bored. And truth be told, she probably could right now. I don't know if I'm sulking right now. Obsessing was a better word. I'm not really sad or anything. And as far as getting me back...... she would have to jump through a lot of hoops to get back into my life. A LOT of hoops. Frankly I don't really want to get back together with her. I'm more obsessed with the betrayal than her herself I think. The idea of getting a better girl, being hotter than her new boyfriend and rubbing her face in it is more appealing than actually rekindling the relationship. At least for the time being.
Zahara Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) I think partly I'm still obsessing about her because I'm not getting the response rate/attention/validation of the attractiveness of the new me I want on OKcupid. Maybe you need to stay off dating because you seem to focus a lot on seeking external validation. You should be happy with the new you without needing an approval rate from others. I have to wonder if you're forcing a new you, rather than you actually having reached a true level of self-development. Edited January 27, 2015 by Zahara
AlexfromBoston Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Yeah, I am a lot more charming in person. But I don't meet a lot of women in my day to day life unfortunately. I don't know if I'm sulking right now. Obsessing was a better word. I'm not really sad or anything. And as far as getting me back...... she would have to jump through a lot of hoops to get back into my life. A LOT of hoops. Frankly I don't really want to get back together with her. I'm more obsessed with the betrayal than her herself I think. The idea of getting a better girl, being hotter than her new boyfriend and rubbing her face in it is more appealing than actually rekindling the relationship. At least for the time being. Ok, well in this case, I would def tell you to move on and don't bother with the past. Could you get her back...dare i say, 100% YES YOU CAN. 8 years is such a long time that I am certain she will be hounding you in months time. But based on her flaky behavior after all those years, I'd suggest looking for better.
Author towardthefuture Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Maybe you need to stay off dating because you seem to focus a lot on seeking external validation. You should be happy with the new you without needing an approval rate from others. I have to wonder if you're forcing a new you, rather than you actually having reached a true level of self-development. I dunno. I want girls to be attracted to me because I got rejected for being unattractive. I don't think that's that weird. But actually I do get a lot of attention at the supermarket, from waitresses, at the gym, etc. I get checked out a lot. I actually brought this up in therapy today. We decided that I am forcing myself to do a lot of things that may not be the natural way to grow, but that forcing myself to go out and do new things is growth itself. Ok, well in this case, I would def tell you to move on and don't bother with the past. Could you get her back...dare i say, 100% YES YOU CAN. 8 years is such a long time that I am certain she will be hounding you in months time. But based on her flaky behavior after all those years, I'd suggest looking for better. Maybe after we both go through other relationships and grow in a year or two it might be a good idea to revisit our thing. Right now, she hates me and I pretty much hate her too. I think if she asked me if I wanted to be friends I'd have to hold myself back from saying something like "Gonna be kind of hard to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, cheated on me and completely disrespected me". Might be time to just throw in the towel on this whole thing. I don't think she's gonna contact me to be honest.
AlexfromBoston Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Yea man, sounds like there is a lot of venom between the two of you. This will only end badly if you don't go NC. However, I promise you this, for a female, 8 years together is an eternity. Now, she may hate you now, but be prepared to hear from her in the not-so-distant future. Proceed with caution. She IS going to contact you again...not a question of IF. So look past all the hate and see this for what it is...just a break to see other people. Your girl just gave you a green light to f*ck other girls. Take great advantage of this my friend, because it could be your only shot. 1
Author towardthefuture Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Day 34 or..... something. Feel like I turned a corner a couple of days ago. The withdrawal's worn off, the hate's increased, I feel stronger and feel a lot more self-respect. Just like in "Swingers" I'm starting to feel like I'm getting myself back, losing the domestication. Yesterday I went to the track and did sprints for the first time in a long time. I felt really free for the first time I can remember in a really long time. Driving 30% faster, listening to the hard rock I used to listen to (like tool) instead of the compromise classic rock/acoustic alternative we settled on in the relationship. I'm posting today because I have another thing I have the urge to text her after several days of not caring at all (because I no longer feel I want her back -- though I probably would if I didn't believe she cheated). Want to send: "You cheated on me. Probably multiple times, without ever discussing your problems directly with me once. You completely disrespected me. Good riddance. I deserve better than you." Won't send it. Just sharing. I feel that way but I'd rather play the long game and respond if she ever tries to cash in on the plan b she must think I am, or tries to be friends, something like "All I want to hear from you is an admission that you cheated, with how many partners, and when did it start." Maybe if I feel better about the whole thing by then I'll tack on, "I'll always remember how in love we were at the start, and I'll never forget my first love. But we can never talk again until you come clean about everything and I can have time to try to forgive you." I have to say, even though I haven't gone on any dates since my three bad dates in early-mid Jan, browsing OKcupid has really helped me realize there are a lot of women I'm attracted to out there.
michael-034 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 First of all. 3 months is not nearly enough to say you've done some major ''self improvements''. No one will buy that. It's easy to improve if you have a motivation like getting your ex back for example, it's hard to keep at that level.. You can judge wheter you've improved in about a year. Man I'm going to be hard but I hope this snaps you out of this really pathetic thining '' of getting power back''.. You are being a fool. You texting her and messaging her with a badass statement like '' I won't be there'' is hillarious because you texted '' I love you'' the moment after.. She can't take you serious. And you sending a message, if any, gives her the power.. You think about her.. You want to message her saying '' leave me alone''.. Man you're the one contacting her.. It's like me calling my ex and tell her: don't call me and hang up.. It's very, very, very immature and very stupid. She probably ****ed you over you say (with an affair)? Man **** her then,, don't be calling her or don't be texting her.. Let it be. Take your losses as a man (your texting I love you etc.) and say NO MORE. Let it be. She probably will read the text laughing at you because she can't take you seriously after what you did. Take your losses and don't, and I mean this.. do.. not. .get in contact with her.. Your logic is very illogical, and all youll be doing is giving her the ''power''.. Stay strong man, you can do it..
Author towardthefuture Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 First of all. 3 months is not nearly enough to say you've done some major ''self improvements''. No one will buy that. It's easy to improve if you have a motivation like getting your ex back for example, it's hard to keep at that level.. You can judge wheter you've improved in about a year. Man I'm going to be hard but I hope this snaps you out of this really pathetic thining '' of getting power back''.. You are being a fool. You texting her and messaging her with a badass statement like '' I won't be there'' is hillarious because you texted '' I love you'' the moment after.. She can't take you serious. And you sending a message, if any, gives her the power.. You think about her.. You want to message her saying '' leave me alone''.. Man you're the one contacting her.. It's like me calling my ex and tell her: don't call me and hang up.. It's very, very, very immature and very stupid. She probably ****ed you over you say (with an affair)? Man **** her then,, don't be calling her or don't be texting her.. Let it be. Take your losses as a man (your texting I love you etc.) and say NO MORE. Let it be. She probably will read the text laughing at you because she can't take you seriously after what you did. Take your losses and don't, and I mean this.. do.. not. .get in contact with her.. Your logic is very illogical, and all youll be doing is giving her the ''power''.. Stay strong man, you can do it.. Uh I haven't talked to her in over a month buddy. Begged the first couple of weeks. It didn't hit me that there was an affair until much later when I looked back on it and saw all the signs clearly (around when I first made this post). At the start I was in denial she would have ever done that. Even when I first posted this I was like "maybe". Now I'm 100% sure. Haven't contacted her since posting this, if I have thought about something I wanted to send her I've just been posting it here and not sending it. 1
michael-034 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Uh I haven't talked to her in over a month buddy. Begged the first couple of weeks. It didn't hit me that there was an affair until much later when I looked back on it and saw all the signs clearly (around when I first made this post). At the start I was in denial she would have ever done that. Even when I first posted this I was like "maybe". Now I'm 100% sure. Haven't contacted her since posting this, if I have thought about something I wanted to send her I've just been posting it here and not sending it. my man! that's smart. If you even think about sending her anything, just come on this forum, lots of people willing to help.. It's like being addicted to a drug, you get your cravings, you get your withdrawal symptoms, but don't give in and you'll detox and become clean.. And sorry for the fact she cheated on you, but as your beginning to see things better you probably realise , it's a blessing in disguise.. just remember this man: if you contact her, you'll get back to square 1. Back to the beginning, all the progress will be undone.. So if you ever get that urge. Go outside, go for a jog, do some excercise, get your mind of of it and snap out of it, and come here.. But great job, not giving in.. This whole NC is designed to actually give you the power back.. It will give you power over your own actions and gives you selfcontrol.. Trust me keep this up, in a few month's you will get sick in the stomach if you even think about contacting her..keep it up! 1
Author towardthefuture Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 If anyone's curious, since it's true you can do a lot more self improvement when you're pumped full of adrenaline after a breakup, here's what's stuck to the wall for me (some of it is just because she's gone and I'm getting me back): - I'm still exercising very regularly, hitting the gym. I haven't been this healthy in years. I went from kind of a pair shape to a solid upside down triangle. I remember after the breakup, I couldn't do pullups and I was benching a pathetic 80 for 20 reps. Now I'm benching 120 for 40 reps and I can do about 5-8 pullups. Lost 5 belt loops, went from a size 38 waist to a size 32. - My depression is mostly gone. Sometimes I wonder if it was the RELATIONSHIP that was making me depressed. Probably the wakeup call of the breakup just knocked me out of it. Still taking anti-depressants - I'm being a lot more social with my family. - Haven't played video games since the breakup except a few hours here and there. Mostly switched my time wasters to working out and watching movies - Still haven't gotten a job but I've gotten several interviews, enough that I feel optimistic that something's gotta give. I'm currently waiting to hear back from this one place. - Still cooking and eating my own meals instead of eating crap food out. - Have kept up my new grooming habits really well. (Before I was long hair/beard/let go, now I have a cleanly trimmed 1-day length beard every day and a haircut every 2 weeks). - Have kept up chores. Laundry, trash, washing dishes, etc etc. I mean, I HAVE to now. But it's still a major improvement in my own engagement in my life. - Doing yoga on Saturdays. - Still playing guitar and going to open mic nights. Missed last week's because I had 2 job interviews that week and I couldn't prepare an act, but I'm getting ready for this week's. - A lot of the stuff I did in the first month that was 'for her' has gone away. Stopped going to church for instance I really do feel like I'm me 2.0. Or at least I will be once I get a job. I'm very proud of myself actually. And also, this is a big one, I have a LOT more self love now than I did when I was in the relationship. I can tell now that I loved my relationship a lot more than myself especially toward the end, and that's a bad thing.
sober and dry Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You really seem a 2.0 version! Maybe still in beta but the final version is cooking up that's for sure 1
Author towardthefuture Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Hurting today. Don't want her back. Don't want to contact her. Don't love her or trust her. Just........ hurting. Meh.
Author towardthefuture Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Miss her badly. I have to remind myself that she abandoned me, she didn't love me. But I was such a screw-up, who can blame her? I guess....... me. Instead of communicating her issues with me she just formed an escape plan and escaped me. I feel stupid for missing her. But I really do miss her. I can never have her back. She's probably with someone else. My life feels really...... empty today. Spending the day printing out resumes and cover letters, going to go on a physical tour of the places I'm trying to work. Maybe when they feel my personal energy they'll be more likely to give me a shot. Every time I get rejected from a job I feel like I even further lose a chance to get my ex back (in my brain I know this is completely irrational, but getting a rejection letter almost feels exactly like getting ignored before I went NC felt like) My therapist says even though my evidence for a exit affair sounds pretty suspicious and the dots can easily connect to that conclusion I should not 'decide' I'm right and move forward thinking that I really don't know. Edited February 5, 2015 by towardthefuture
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