Break NC to get my power back?

January 11, 2015

She deactivated her facebook a little bit after the last of her stuff got moved out. I think what was holding me back, and it's the reason I deleted her friends on FB, is I was posting things that I hoped she would see. Not like "boo hoo" stuff, but like "Hey I'm working on this project" or "Yes, hit my workout goal today" usually one thing every 2-3 days. And maybe this feeling is blowback from stopping myself from having the potential to do that, like "did I just cut off my last line of indirect communication with her?" So I guess I was breaking NC in that way.

Yes, that doesn't qualify as no contact, but few people do NC perfectly.

The more strict you are about it the better it works.

I know the longer I stay NC the more mysterious, independent, respectful and non-desperate I look. So I'm not going to break it. I guess I'm still at a point where I need people to remind me.

You have to do it for yourself, so that you feel better, not to make someone else feel better about you.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh - I don't mean to, and nobody can claim to have done everything right.

The best way forward is to make how you feel, your sole focus.

Everything else hangs on that one thing.

You'll get there. You made progress.

Just keep going.

January 11, 2015

It's like letting a dog bite you, going back and letting him bite you over and over. Just to be honest, when you get hurt over and over, you pretty much do not go back for more.

Get your control and power back, but for yourself and your own peace of mind. Just let it be. Don't contact her. Don't try to prove anything to her because I know if it were me, I would not believe you anyway or believe that it would last once you got me back. Maybe one day down the road you two will run into each other somewhere again when you are both at a place where all this is behind you and you can talk.

I just think it is all still too raw to even think of doing anything but staying away from one another for a long time. Your best source of pride right now is to continue to get yourself together. She will most likely hear that you are through friends, etc. And maybe things can happen down the road.

January 11, 2015

She will most likely hear that you are through friends, etc. And maybe things can happen down the road.

This is why I was posting stuff on facebook -- I don't see any of her friends on any regular basis. The only way she would ever see any improvements I make would be from whatever her friends see on facebook.

January 11, 2015

This is why I was posting stuff on facebook -- I don't see any of her friends on any regular basis. The only way she would ever see any improvements I make would be from whatever her friends see on facebook.

AND this is why I despise facebook and social media in general! Here you've wasted this time "showing her" how well you're doing. When in you've not moved on and are not doing well. You're faking it! You're NOT ok! Trust... that IF she saw your fakebook updates,she saw right through the facade.

January 11, 2015

Nothing says "I'm not pining over you" like dead silence.

She will contact you.. maybe in a few months, maybe years. Eight years is a huge chunk of someone's life and you guys will never forget each other. the good news is as time goes on, we tend to forget the bad and only remember pleasant memories.

You dont know for a fact she cheated so stop creating movies in your head. Use NC to break your emotional bond to her and refocus all your energy on self improvement.. this includes figuring out what went wrong towards the end so that it's not repeated in future relationships.

Leave her alone. Most likely she's also hurt and trying to get over the breakup. It's over. Time to move on.

January 11, 2015

AND this is why I despise facebook and social media in general! Here you've wasted this time "showing her" how well you're doing. When in you've not moved on and are not doing well. You're faking it! You're NOT ok! Trust... that IF she saw your fakebook updates,she saw right through the facade.

Yes, I think you're right. I think I thought I was moving on, but now that there's no audience I know that I was putting a show on of moving on for an audience. Now I don't have that crutch. It's funny, the other day, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. Probably because my head was all fogged up subconsciously with 'what would impress her?' but today, as soon as I felt like no one was watching, it clicked. I know what job I want, I know what hobby I want, I know where I want to live. That, at least, is a great feeling. I don't feel 'lost' any more. That doesn't fix everything but it fixes something.

January 12, 2015

Well today I'm not feeling super forgiving. Without really imagining it, I'm thinking, she's probably getting ****ed by this other dude passionately in every position, there's nothing that would ever stop her from doing this again, and we can't go back. It makes me want to text her 'I just want you to know I'm past the point I could ever take you back. Trust, love and respect all shattered. I hope years in the future you still feel you made the right decision.'

I'm scared I won't find love again. I don't have a lot of success on dating sites. Still looking for a job. Now I not only need one for money but because I have too much time to think about this.

January 12, 2015

NC means not even thinking of your ex let alone thinking of them in bed with new SO. Spend this time and energy looking for a job. So was your GF paying your bills the past two years?

January 12, 2015

NC means not even thinking of your ex let alone thinking of them in bed with new SO. Spend this time and energy looking for a job. So was your GF paying your bills the past two years?

No I was on disability and then my family was helping me out. So I wasn't dependent on her in that way, but it definitely impacted whether she could see a stable future with me, I didn't have much of a life, was bitter and depressed and had 0 energy. I spend most of my time looking for jobs, working out and playing guitar. But without a job there's still so much free time, especially on the weekend.

It's' realllllllllly hard to not think about her. The thoughts just go away for a while and then aggressively attack

January 12, 2015

The waves of emotion are normal in the initial stages of grief (which is what you go through after a breakup). But all that will subside with time.

Did she give you warning signs before breaking up or was it abrupt? I always find it immature and selfish when people don't discuss issues or try to work on the relationship before leaving.

January 12, 2015

The waves of emotion are normal in the initial stages of grief (which is what you go through after a breakup). But all that will subside with time.

Did she give you warning signs before breaking up or was it abrupt? I always find it immature and selfish when people don't discuss issues or try to work on the relationship before leaving.

She didn't discuss anything. Looking back there were a lot of warning signs. And now that I've read all about relationships I can see how I wasn't fulfilling her. But at the time I literally had no idea it was going to end. If she had been direct and said 'this, this and this need to change because I'm unhappy," I would have changed anything for her. I really loved her. When she left I was absolutely devastated. After she left I tried to change everything I could that I should have changed 3 months before -- worked out, lost tons of weight (I was getting overweight before, I'm CUT now, no joke), applied to 10-15 jobs a week, haircut, grooming, went on antidepressants, went to therapy, read sex improvement guides all this stuff. Honestly I am 100% more attractive right now than I was at the end of our relationship. But it doesn't matter because she's gone. And it will never matter because she's a) not coming back and b) has someone else.

I just want her to come back........... but now this has happened. Argh.

Edited January 12, 2015 by towardthefuture

January 12, 2015

Don't message that girl! Leave it alone, man. There is something better waiting for you. I understand that the emotions of losing someone can be overwhelming...but grab hold of yourself! Believe it or not, you're going to be just fine without her. Accept a path in life that doesn't include her. It won't kill you, I promise. Good luck!!

January 12, 2015

Don't message that girl! Leave it alone, man. There is something better waiting for you. I understand that the emotions of losing someone can be overwhelming...but grab hold of yourself! Believe it or not, you're going to be just fine without her. Accept a path in life that doesn't include her. It won't kill you, I promise. Good luck!!

Can't message her. Trying to move on. It's tough. But I definitely can't message her, don't want to get ignored. Don't want to be weak. The sooner I get a job the sooner I can start my next chapter, get two pay stubs and buy a new apartment. Right now my chapter is 'sit in our old apartment job searching, playing guitar, working out and trying not to let the thoughts take over'.

January 12, 2015

Can't message her. Trying to move on. It's tough. But I definitely can't message her, don't want to get ignored. Don't want to be weak. The sooner I get a job the sooner I can start my next chapter, get two pay stubs and buy a new apartment. Right now my chapter is 'sit in our old apartment job searching, playing guitar, working out and trying not to let the thoughts take over'.

Look in a way, your breakup is a benefit / good learning experience. You are doing some positive things (getting into shape / looking for a job) and you are not contacting an ex.

You may want her to come back...but she will always remember "negative" attributes about yourself. Do you know how much work it will take for you change her mind? And even if you do, the fact you have to CONVINCE her you are who you are / a good catch is insulting in itself.

I can guarantee if you 100% dissapear and don't even let her / her friends know what's going on with you, she will begin to wonder "how you moved on so fast?" and "why isn't he suffering over me?"....then out of selfish reasons, she will reach out and try to get an ego boost from you. When she does, post on here and don't respond.

You're only gonna keep getting better bro. Once you have all these positive attributes / things going for you, youre gonna attract some really cool girls. I promise you.

January 12, 2015

Well this is what I want to tell her today. It feels a little bit like I've turned a corner but it's possible tomorrow I'll backslide

"I just wanted to let you know that I accept the breakup. You have every right to be happy. For whatever went on towards the end, I forgive you and I forgive myself. And I want to thank you for the wake up call you gave me. My life wasn't in order. I didn't have the fire any more. I was wasting the gift of life, and I was living in the past.

You taught me so much about how to not treat a woman I love. In the future I'll know not to take a woman for granted, to treat her like she's the only woman in the world, to help her carry everything, to cook dinner and wash dishes with her and to take her to musicals, take her hiking, buy her flowers, go out with her friends, to make an effort with her family, to love myself, to stay in shape, and to let her teach me how to give her the best sex she's ever had.

If I ever meet someone like you again I'm never going to take her for granted. Not one second, whether in good times or bad. I have a lot of regrets, but I've analyzed it all and I learned huge lessons. And so I can let those regrets go. Don't worry about me out there, I'm picking up the pieces and I'm going to do great. I'm not sick any more, I'm not lost any more. I know exactly where I want to go and I can feel the fire coming back every day.

It was a lovely 8 years, [xxxxxx]. It's time for me to grow up and you to spread your wings.

I'm not worried about you. I know you'll do just fine.

All my love,

- [towardthefuture]

p.s. I'm sorry how I behaved after the breakup. I'm not a prison and you're not a prize. You're free to do whatever you like and to leave whenever you want. It hurt a lot, probably more than anything I've ever experienced, but I can take it like a man. I know now that a woman's love is to always be respected and cherished."

Obviously I know the answer to this, but I was thinking of sending it to her friend and asking her friend if she can hold onto it until my ex is in the right mindset to read it. Terrible idea right?

edit: yeah, terrible idea. Glad I wrote it down though

Edited January 12, 2015 by towardthefuture

January 12, 2015

Of course it's a bad idea.

Look, the mere fact that you feel the need to tell her ANYTHING is an indication that you are not over her & are desperately looking for a way to get her back.

In an earlier post, you said how good it felt when you were able to remove her from the equation...how it was possible to clearly see what YOU want & need. THAT is the goal you should be working toward. Forget about trying to prove yourself to her. Until you give up, nothing you say or do will make a difference. It won't bring her back & you will remain stuck in your own state of limbo.

Sorry, but it makes no difference to her in regard to her wanting you back whether or not you are still pining over her or not. She knew when she left how you felt about her & that didn't make her stay, right?

Do yourself a favor and stop making everything about what you think she may think. Until you do, you're going to just keep going in circles.

January 12, 2015

Of course it's a bad idea.

Look, the mere fact that you feel the need to tell her ANYTHING is an indication that you are not over her & are desperately looking for a way to get her back.

In an earlier post, you said how good it felt when you were able to remove her from the equation...how it was possible to clearly see what YOU want & need. THAT is the goal you should be working toward. Forget about trying to prove yourself to her. Until you give up, nothing you say or do will make a difference. It won't bring her back & you will remain stuck in your own state of limbo.

Sorry, but it makes no difference to her in regard to her wanting you back whether or not you are still pining over her or not. She knew when she left how you felt about her & that didn't make her stay, right?

Do yourself a favor and stop making everything about what you think she may think. Until you do, you're going to just keep going in circles.

I don't know, this feels a little different. I mean I'm not going to send it, but this isn't about getting back with her or what she'll think, it's about that I've written down my feelings of closure. But it's just for me, if she got it she probably wouldn't even read it. Who cares. I actually feel like this moment is progress. It's not "I accept the breakup, this is an attempt to get you back", it's "I accept the breakup", that's how I feel now for real. I'm starting to feel optimistic. I'm starting to feel like I can really let go.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow though

January 12, 2015

You said you were thinking of sending it to her friend which is what I responded to.

January 12, 2015

You said you were thinking of sending it to her friend which is what I responded to.

Yeah I was thinking of that. That was a bad idea. I guess that was a moment of like, wanting to share this closure with her. But she doesn't give a crap she had closure a month and a half ago when she left.

January 12, 2015

Well, I definitely turned SOME kind of corner. It just hit me this morning. I'm no longer pining for her. I'm just SOOOOOO PISSSED. I HATE her now. I never want her back. I wrote this to myself to throw away. I'd LOVE to be able to send it, but she wouldn't deserve it. And she'd probably just throw it away.

"xxxxxxx, what the **** is wrong with you? How could you do this to me? I would understand leaving me. Trying to work it out and failing. But to just ditch your first love. To cheat on him and leave him for someone else. How could you? I thought you were a good person. I thought you were loyal and had strong character. But you're weak. You're heartless. You're selfish. You're a liar. You don't communicate your problems. WE WERE EACH OTHER'S FIRST LOVES. You don't care about any of that. You don't feel you owe me any respect at all. I remember coming back from Costa Rica and you being so in love with me. Now I know the one with the loyalty was me. I stayed with you through everything. I sacrificed so much of my potential because I loved you. I tried to make things work. I talked about my problems. And you reward me by ****ing over your first life's love in this way, cheapening what we had. And you let me think it's MY FAULT!!!! You sat there and let me make a fool of myself, apologizing. Well I made mistakes. I was going through a hard time and I made mistakes. But it was TEMPORARY. But you, you're the one who threw everything away PERMANENTLY. You should be apologizing. I loved you. You will NEVER find that again in your life. Karma will eat you, God will not forgive you. The infatuation will not last.

Well I hope you ****ing die.

NEVER EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. Don't think I'm your backup plan. You can never come back. I don't love you. I don't respect you. I don't trust you. I never. Ever. Ever. Want to see or hear from you again. Don't think for a second I'm sitting here pining for you."

January 12, 2015

Well, I definitely turned SOME kind of corner. It just hit me this morning. I'm no longer pining for her. I'm just SOOOOOO PISSSED. I HATE her now. I never want her back. I wrote this to myself to throw away. I'd LOVE to be able to send it, but she wouldn't deserve it. And she'd probably just throw it away.

You can't trust yourself, especially when your emotions are all over the place. And in times like this, the best thing to do is do nothing. And that is because your judgment is skewed and your best interest is driven by your heart, and not your brain. Write as many letters as you want, but DON'T send it.

"xxxxxxx, what the **** is wrong with you? How could you do this to me? I would understand leaving me. Trying to work it out and failing. But to just ditch your first love. To cheat on him and leave him for someone else. How could you? I thought you were a good person. I thought you were loyal and had strong character. But you're weak. You're heartless. You're selfish. You're a liar. You don't communicate your problems. WE WERE EACH OTHER'S FIRST LOVES. You don't care about any of that. You don't feel you owe me any respect at all. I remember coming back from Costa Rica and you being so in love with me. Now I know the one with the loyalty was me. I stayed with you through everything. I sacrificed so much of my potential because I loved you. I tried to make things work. I talked about my problems. And you reward me by ****ing over your first life's love in this way, cheapening what we had. And you let me think it's MY FAULT!!!! You sat there and let me make a fool of myself, apologizing. Well I made mistakes. I was going through a hard time and I made mistakes. But it was TEMPORARY. But you, you're the one who threw everything away PERMANENTLY. You should be apologizing. I loved you. You will NEVER find that again in your life. Karma will eat you, God will not forgive you. The infatuation will not last.

Well I hope you ****ing die.

NEVER EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. Don't think I'm your backup plan. You can never come back. I don't love you. I don't respect you. I don't trust you. I never. Ever. Ever. Want to see or hear from you again. Don't think for a second I'm sitting here pining for you."

Within 5 hours you went from a forgiving her letter to a wanting her to die letter. You didn't turn a corner, you're just on a rollercoaster of emotions. Chances are you'll be forgiving her in a few hours. Tomorrow you will be hating her again.

January 12, 2015

Within 5 hours you went from a forgiving her letter to a wanting her to die letter. You didn't turn a corner, you're just on a rollercoaster of emotions. Chances are you'll be forgiving her in a few hours.

True enough. This is like being on LSD.

January 12, 2015

True enough. This is like being on LSD.

towardthefuture,

You've been kind to me suggesting books and movies in my thread. I'm searching it later. Thank you.

I just want to tell you brother that the rollercoaster you're on right now will eventually stop. Oh I assure you it will, then you'll feel numb.

I just want to let you know that there is an end, you may not feel it now but there is. Fantastic creatures humans are, we can adopt to emotional pain.

Just keep venting bro that's good for your mental health.

January 12, 2015

True enough. This is like being on LSD.

It is similar to breaking an addiction. You are going through withdrawals. One moment you are at peace. The next you want a fix.

The one thing you don't do when you are all over the place is seek out what's causing you that pain. Your need to send these letters is your need to provoke a response to make you feel better. You desire her validation to make these bad feelings go away. You need a fix because you can't bear that every minute of silence is a reminder of her rejection of you.

Well, she can't make you feel better. No amount of letters will do anything for you. Write them to purge your emotions but don't send them. You'll send Letter A, and when you don't get a response or the response you want, you'll want to send Letter B. Then Letter B completely invalidates what you said in Letter A because now you're driven by a different set of emotions. Then you feel bad and send Letter C because you feel bad that you said some things that weren't so nice in Letter B.

It's an insane cycle. It's evident in this thread. You're not ready to send anything when you can't stay strong and consistent in your judgment of her or the situation.

For now, don't send any letters or make any contact.

January 12, 2015

Yeah, I'm glad I haven't sent anything. But I do think writing down my thoughts in discarding them is helping. Today I'm overwhelmed sadness that she's not coming back. She's not coming back and she loves another man. She's happy without me. But I'm working so hard to change my life and I want her back and to love me

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