Break NC to get my power back?

[towardthefuture]

I can guess what the answer to this question is going to be. And I myself know what the answer it. But I thought I'd ask anyway.

 

Some background on my situation: ex gf left at the end of november after 8 years. Said she was 'unhappy for a long time' and 'didn't see a future with me anymore'. I cried, begged, pleaded. Eventually I sent her a letter saying something to the effect of "I'm doing a lot of self improvement, it's going really well. I just wanted you to know that and then I'm gonna back off completely. If you don't respond to this I'm moving on. If you get in touch later I won't be here. I won't be your backup plan." That was breaking NC, but it was a good letter to send. I felt like I got my power back. I got a private number call + hangup a week after that, which I'm sure was her.

 

Then a few days later I sent a kind of pathetic late night phone message that was like "I love you, I'm working really hard on myself to become someone who deserves you." Totally undid my previous 'final word', gave the power back to her. Now my exit impression is needy instead of strong. So it's been 10 days since then and I'm wondering if I should send something else strong that sends the message like, "I'm done pining over you."

 

The message I was thinking of was "Thank you for leaving me. I know the lessons I've learned from the breakup and the self improvements I've made and continue to make will make me a great catch in my next relationship. I've learned so much about how to treat a woman and make her happy. Please do not contact me as I no longer love or trust you. Best of luck in all your future endeavors."

 

Now, a few other pieces of info:

- I was not a good boyfriend for the last 2 years. I was a couch-body, got really negative about life because I was unemployed and sick.

- I really suspect she had an exit affair, and if so is probably still in a honeymoon stage relationship with that person.

- I think my breakup was very very similar to the plot of forgetting sarah marshall

- I still kind of want her back, but if she had an exit affair which I've *decided* is fact, since I don't have all the facts, I really really would not take her back. Who knows what I would actually do. There's still some lingering love there.

- I have done *significant* self improvements. No longer sick, went in therapy and anti-depressants, no longer negative, my worldview changed, lost 4 belt sizes, no longer play video games, have a great job interview tomorrow, etc, etc.

- She has been almost sociopathically committed to NC since DDay.

 

So obviously I shouldn't send this text right? Pros are I would feel like I got my power back, it might make me more attractive making me 'the one who got away' instead of 'the clinger she successfully escaped' which might facilitate a second chance years down the line when the whole thing has a lot of distance. The big con is obviously breaking NC again.

 

I'm definitely leaning towards not sending it. And definitely decided to table the idea of sending any like "I've got my **** together just like I said but you can't come back now" message until I've got a job firmly instead of just interviews.

 

But what do you guys think?

Edited January 9, 2015 by towardthefuture

[Elle1975]

Leave it alone. The late phone call isn't really a screw up, as long as you leave it at that.

 

Attempt more contacts, and it will be back to square one.

[barky2]

What you're looking for, you won't get.

 

You feel even more empty.

 

Believe it or not, right now you have the most power you'll get.

 

Just leave it be...as hard as It is.

 

If someone doesn't want you in their life, it's their loss....not you.

 

Keep plugging forward.

 

 

One day at a time

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[lauri]

Power is being in control.

 

By choosing to maintain NC, that gives you all the power. If you send any message or make any contact, it shifts the power into her hands. If she ignores you (because she will, your message would scream desperstion / weakness as you're looking for validation from her), then she has essentially all the power over you. Right now, the power is in your hands.

[beach]

By sending any more messages you are just handing her ALL your power - which is backwards.

 

And stating that you might be improving so you deserve her looks weak and pathetic.

 

Do it for you = yourself! That would show healthy balance and a strong sense of self! You are important! Why should you view her as more important than yourself?

 

You're stuck with yourself forever - make yourself the best you can be and you will enjoy your own company by being happy and content.

 

 

As a general rule... You shouldn't have to beg someone to love you... That should be your indicator that things are off balance.

 

Hugs

[towardthefuture]

And stating that you might be improving so you deserve her looks weak and pathetic.

 

That's what's in my head. Because in the letter I sent her it was like "I'm doing this for me, not you" but then in the phone call it was like "I'm doing this so I deserve you" and I don't feel that way, that was a moment of weakness. I feel the way I felt in the letter. And she was responding to that -- she called me and hung up until I did the pathetic thing. I want to go back to the way it was before the phone call where it was like "I'm improving, some other girl is gonna get the improved me, bye forever". But I guess that ship has sailed. I suppose if she comes looking for her backup plan and I don't respond it'll be the same message, just a lot later.

[seminoles84]

That's what's in my head. Because in the letter I sent her it was like "I'm doing this for me, not you" but then in the phone call it was like "I'm doing this so I deserve you" and I don't feel that way, that was a moment of weakness. I feel the way I felt in the letter. And she was responding to that -- she called me and hung up until I did the pathetic thing. I want to go back to the way it was before the phone call where it was like "I'm improving, some other girl is gonna get the improved me, bye forever". But I guess that ship has sailed. I suppose if she comes looking for her backup plan and I don't respond it'll be the same message, just a lot later.

 

 

You very well could be making much of this up in your head. I doubt it was even her who called.

[Satu]

Please get the idea that begging, pleading, and showering a woman with painful emotions and communications, can only ever make things worse, and make that woman even more determined to remove you from her life.

 

If can really really get that, you will have learned a valuable lesson to carry forward in your life.

[towardthefuture]

You very well could be making much of this up in your head. I doubt it was even her who called.

 

You know, I think you're probably right. Pointless to make assumptions. Anyway, I'm not going to break NC. These breakup emotions come in waves and this wave has passed for me at the moment.

[Satu]

You know, I think you're probably right. Pointless to make assumptions. Anyway, I'm not going to break NC. These breakup emotions come in waves and this wave has passed for me at the moment.

 

Well done. I know the feeling too well.

 

I used to think about it as being like an avalanche.

[newlyborn]

sadly, after someone has managed to free themselves from an 8-year relationship, there is NO way that they will reconsider it for a long, long, long time. your ex knows you well. not a word you say will hold any water with her, not even your final email threatening to disappear on her forever. there is literally not a word you could say to make her turn back. she is in the throes of new freedom (think someone frolicking on the beach). i'm sorry.

 

so, the battle before you is one of healing and rediscovering yourself and your life on whole new and hopefully wonderful terms.

[towardthefuture]

sadly, after someone has managed to free themselves from an 8-year relationship, there is NO way that they will reconsider it for a long, long, long time. your ex knows you well. not a word you say will hold any water with her, not even your final email threatening to disappear on her forever. there is literally not a word you could say to make her turn back. she is in the throes of new freedom (think someone frolicking on the beach). i'm sorry.

 

so, the battle before you is one of healing and rediscovering yourself and your life on whole new and hopefully wonderful terms.

 

Eh, what you say is true. You never know though. My state of mind at the moment is pretty in the moment so I'm not really thinking about it. Pretty happy with my improvements, getting some good attention on dating websites, have some positive stuff lined up for myself. Who knows, maybe she'll come back around some time. Probably not. Whatever. Watch me at like 2 AM tomorrow though I'll be like "how can I get herrrr backkkkkk"

[newlyborn]

if she does come back around, it will be after a very long time. imagine getting to a place where you couldn't care less about her, because that is likely how long it would take. if ever.

 

i know how you feel. we all do. and i am sorry.

[hurts2death]

this power thing though. at my beginning i was powerless but now two years later i am so powerfull. infact i might be a super hero dumpee. she still calls.

 

heheheheh

 

barky2 cheers.

 

and to all dumpees out there. go stealth mode is the only way to regain power and trust me power feels good;)

[towardthefuture]

Had a phone interview with a company I really wanted to work at. I guess I'm in the running, but the job they wanted me to do is not the one I applied for and it's in Utah, not my current state. I don't want to move to Utah. Guess it's back to sending out applications.

 

After that I went for a walk to clear my head, got back and there's my ex's "request to forward mail from this address" in the mail slot. Just more 'making it official'. Arghhhhhhhhh

 

I love her so much. I want her back. God. At least I'm not texting her. Arghhhh

[Noproblem]

Moving to another state is the best thing that could happen to you right now..

[towardthefuture]

Moving to another state is the best thing that could happen to you right now..

 

I don't mind moving as much. Moving doesn't mean I would have to stay forever. I'm more worried that I won't get the job, it's not the job I applied to, I think it's just some job the HR lady was trying to fill. I'll admit the idea of leaving the state and any chance at reconciliation behind (yes, yes, I know there is none) gave me some tight chest moments.

[towardthefuture]

Does talking to a mutual friend count as breaking NC?

[towardthefuture]

I know I shouldn't. I know making threads about it just so people reaffirm that I shouldn't is somewhat pointless. But it's helping me keep up NC so that's what I'm doing. Today I want to contact her. My running theory is that she was emotionally cheating on me at the tail end of an 8 year relationship because I had become unattractive, clingy and dependent, and that she broke up to date this other person 'legitimately'. I don't know if they had sex before or not. I suspect they did not, but probably have by now.

 

Weirdly I am capable of forgiving her for this. It's not excusable, it would require a lot of work, but I know what a big part I played in it. Does that make me a doormat? I mean, by the end, and I mean the last year or so, I ignored her, I didn't respect her, I looked at other women, our communication was crap. I can see how she felt alone in the relationship and went looking elsewhere.

 

Also, while I had had girlfriends before her and had sex with a few women 3-4 before we got together, I was her first. So I can see how it would happen on that level too -- that she didn't know what else is out there.

 

Actually, I don't want to contact her about any of this. Because it's all emotional and not manly. But it's making me think about her and making me want to talk with her. Try to 'talk it out', which isn't possible.

 

What it's really making me want to do is message her friend and ask how she is doing. But I know I wouldn't get a straight answer.

 

Does it make me a doormat for wanting my cheating ex back? I don't excuse the cheating, but I can forgive it, and we had 6 years of great times, 1 year of meh times and 1 year of me being a bad boyfriend and her working a lot.

 

Is NC all I can do, in cases of cheating? I unfriended her friends on FB so I'd be more mysterious and make it appear as though I'm letting go (which IS what I'm doing -- I'm just not quite there yet. But at least I'm just feeling it in private instead of talking about it). Was that a good decision, or should I have left them on there so they could see updates and update her on my self improvements?

[Jimmyjackson]

I know I shouldn't. I know making threads about it just so people reaffirm that I shouldn't is somewhat pointless. But it's helping me keep up NC so that's what I'm doing. Today I want to contact her. My running theory is that she was emotionally cheating on me at the tail end of an 8 year relationship because I had become unattractive, clingy and dependent, and that she broke up to date this other person 'legitimately'. I don't know if they had sex before or not. I suspect they did not, but probably have by now.

 

Weirdly I am capable of forgiving her for this. It's not excusable, it would require a lot of work, but I know what a big part I played in it. Does that make me a doormat? I mean, by the end, and I mean the last year or so, I ignored her, I didn't respect her, I looked at other women, our communication was crap. I can see how she felt alone in the relationship and went looking elsewhere.

 

Also, while I had had girlfriends before her and had sex with a few women 3-4 before we got together, I was her first. So I can see how it would happen on that level too -- that she didn't know what else is out there.

 

Actually, I don't want to contact her about any of this. Because it's all emotional and not manly. But it's making me think about her and making me want to talk with her. Try to 'talk it out', which isn't possible.

 

What it's really making me want to do is message her friend and ask how she is doing. But I know I wouldn't get a straight answer.

 

Does it make me a doormat for wanting my cheating ex back? I don't excuse the cheating, but I can forgive it, and we had 6 years of great times, 1 year of meh times and 1 year of me being a bad boyfriend and her working a lot.

 

Is NC all I can do, in cases of cheating? I unfriended her friends on FB so I'd be more mysterious and make it appear as though I'm letting go (which IS what I'm doing -- I'm just not quite there yet. But at least I'm just feeling it in private instead of talking about it). Was that a good decision, or should I have left them on there so they could see updates and update her on my self improvements?

 

I was in a similar situation, my ex emotionally cheated on me too, but it wasn't as long as your relationship. I can't even begin to comprehend how much harder it must be for you due to the length of time you spent together but the best thing you can do is not contact her. I haven't talked to my ex in 10 weeks now, the urges have gone away to be honest and they will for you.

 

You don't need to contact her to let her know you still exist, you guys were together for 8 years, she'll never forget you. If she wants to talk she knows were you are, I'm sure she'll reach out at some point due to the length of your relationship - but for what purpose who knows.

 

When you feel like contacting her, remember why the relationship ended, the emotionally cheating. If you remember this it should turn into anger and hate like it did for me, the anger made me think what the hell should I speak to her?

 

Oh and don't speak to her friends either, it'll be obvious what you're trying to do

 

Hope I helped and good luck man

[dyna85]

Having read your other thread detailing the breakup itself, I think it's a bad idea to contact her as she told you several times she can't talk and asked for space. I would respect her request for space.

[towardthefuture]

Having read your other thread detailing the breakup itself, I think it's a bad idea to contact her as she told you several times she can't talk and asked for space. I would respect her request for space.

 

I'm trying my best. I really do understand that. I've already made a big mistake once since then (11-12 days ago I forget which) with a late night phone call. I sent an email in between that call and the phone call where I last spoke to her where she said she wanted space, but I don't think that particular contact was a mistake, looking back, because it was basically said "I'm working on myself for me, I respect your need for space, I'm backing off."

 

How much space will she need? A month? Two months? Forever? The uncertainty of this thing is what's driving me nuts today. Mostly I am just trying to move on, but in moments like this where it's the weekend and I've got nothing to do it's hard to not think about it. I've definitely had enough of getting stabbed in the heart to know texting her is a fool's errand, so now I come on here to air my unmanliest emotional thoughts.

 

I know the longer I stay NC the more mysterious, independent, respectful and non-desperate I look. So I'm not going to break it. I guess I'm still at a point where I need people to remind me.

[sober and dry]

...8 year relationship because I had become unattractive, clingy and dependent, and that she broke up to date this other person 'legitimately'...

 

...It's not excusable, it would require a lot of work, but I know what a big part I played in it. Does that make me a doormat? I mean, by the end, and I mean the last year or so, I ignored her, I didn't respect her, I looked at other women, our communication was crap. I can see how she felt alone in the relationship and went looking elsewhere.

 

...I was her first. So I can see how it would happen on that level too -- that she didn't know what else is out there.

 

Well that's pretty much my situation...

 

Actually, I don't want to contact her about any of this. Because it's all emotional and not manly. But it's making me think about her and making me want to talk with her. Try to 'talk it out', which isn't possible.

 

You know it's impossible so you don't do ti.

 

What it's really making me want to do is message her friend and ask how she is doing. But I know I wouldn't get a straight answer.

 

You know if you do this it will be just like sand in your eyes, so again, don't do it.

 

 

Does it make me a doormat for wanting my cheating ex back? I don't excuse the cheating, but I can forgive it, and we had 6 years of great times, 1 year of meh times and 1 year of me being a bad boyfriend and her working a lot.

 

It doesn't necessarily make you an doormat if you can do it properly. If you and her eventualy manage to make it, it just proves you are a great person, with a big heart.

 

Is NC all I can do, in cases of cheating? I unfriended her friends on FB so I'd be more mysterious and make it appear as though I'm letting go (which IS what I'm doing -- I'm just not quite there yet. But at least I'm just feeling it in private instead of talking about it). Was that a good decision, or should I have left them on there so they could see updates and update her on my self improvements?

 

I think it was a good decision.

 

 

Bottom line, you know what went wrong and why. The next step is to get a wider prespective about all the RS and then decide from there.

After that you have to think about:

Do I still want to be with someone how did this? Is it worth?

If so, next:

Is she available for that? Can we/do we want to, work very hard to make it properly?

 

So, for now, work it out by yourself and get at the stage were you have all this answers before contacting her.

[Satu]

Very often when people say that NC isn't working, it's because they're not really doing NC.

 

Are you by any chance peeping at her Facebook/social media posts?

[towardthefuture]

Very often when people say that NC isn't working, it's because they're not really doing NC.

 

Are you by any chance peeping at her Facebook/social media posts?

 

She deactivated her facebook a little bit after the last of her stuff got moved out. I think what was holding me back, and it's the reason I deleted her friends on FB, is I was posting things that I hoped she would see. Not like "boo hoo" stuff, but like "Hey I'm working on this project" or "Yes, hit my workout goal today" usually one thing every 2-3 days. And maybe this feeling is blowback from stopping myself from having the potential to do that, like "did I just cut off my last line of indirect communication with her?" So I guess I was breaking NC in that way.