Jump to content

Does this letter to my ex-girlfriend's parents sound genuine or controlling?

inbrake

By inbrake
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

inbrake New Member

inbrake

Posted
Posted

We recently broke up, by her choice. There was not animosity of fighting between us. She has a very harsh past. I have only met her parents once, and she told me they approved of me.

 

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Z:

 

It was very nice to have met you but as you know, X and I are no longer together. I had a wonderful time with her but unfortunately I tried to take on a role which was probably not yet appropriate for the short time we were seeing each other. I tried to be the person who helped her find the strength to get over her past. This only ended up stressing her out and caused her to withdraw from me, a mistake I will have to live with. I write to you today only because I do not know if you are aware that her past is still haunting her. I know that you know she is stubborn and tends not to trust, but what really made me want to help her is when she is afraid of becoming the person she used to be. She told me that she never wants to be in love with anyone again because she doesn’t want to be weak like she was when she was in love with her abusive ex. My attempts to help her get over her past were only seen as unnecessary conflict in her eyes. And it was probably not my place to do so. In order for her to get over her past, she has to first want to. But I know she did not want to leave her abusive ex without the help of others, so I think it is likely she will not want to get over her past without help of the ones close to her. You might wonder why it matters to me anymore. It’s very unlikely that we will see each other again and writing this message to you will probably make her resent me. She has made it clear that she will never go back to an old relationship. But I failed to help someone I genuinely cared about and is at-heart a good, loving person. Even though my feelings for her will soon diminish, it doesn’t mean I will just stop caring about her. So I hope that letting her family know her views (you are probably aware of a lot of them already), they can maybe help her learn to love and trust again.

To me, it is the love of the people you choose to let into your life that make life worth living. And I do not believe anyone should be condemned to live their life without love, or being in love. I could not imagine living a life where you never let anyone in. She believes that makes her weak, and lives in fear of becoming someone she was when she was with her abusive ex. She needs to know it was not her fault! The first and only person she loved just happened to be a terrible human being. I know she has been betrayed by others in her life as well, but she needs to know there are good people out there that would never hurt her. She is an amazing young woman and I know she can one day overcome the fears of her past. She just needs some guidance from the ones close to her, and maybe she will seek to talk to an expert. The sooner she deals with her fears the sooner she can start living a complete life again. I do not know if I will be around to that happen, I need to push forward with my life. But I am happy to have met your daughter and I have shared some good memories with her.

 

It is not my intention to make any contact after this letter, but I have no problem if you want to ask me questions. I wish you all well."

towardthefuture Established Member

towardthefuture

Posted
Posted
We recently broke up, by her choice. There was not animosity of fighting between us. She has a very harsh past. I have only met her parents once, and she told me they approved of me.

 

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Z:

 

It was very nice to have met you but as you know, X and I are no longer together. I had a wonderful time with her but unfortunately I tried to take on a role which was probably not yet appropriate for the short time we were seeing each other. I tried to be the person who helped her find the strength to get over her past. This only ended up stressing her out and caused her to withdraw from me, a mistake I will have to live with. I write to you today only because I do not know if you are aware that her past is still haunting her. I know that you know she is stubborn and tends not to trust, but what really made me want to help her is when she is afraid of becoming the person she used to be. She told me that she never wants to be in love with anyone again because she doesn’t want to be weak like she was when she was in love with her abusive ex. My attempts to help her get over her past were only seen as unnecessary conflict in her eyes. And it was probably not my place to do so. In order for her to get over her past, she has to first want to. But I know she did not want to leave her abusive ex without the help of others, so I think it is likely she will not want to get over her past without help of the ones close to her. You might wonder why it matters to me anymore. It’s very unlikely that we will see each other again and writing this message to you will probably make her resent me. She has made it clear that she will never go back to an old relationship. But I failed to help someone I genuinely cared about and is at-heart a good, loving person. Even though my feelings for her will soon diminish, it doesn’t mean I will just stop caring about her. So I hope that letting her family know her views (you are probably aware of a lot of them already), they can maybe help her learn to love and trust again.

To me, it is the love of the people you choose to let into your life that make life worth living. And I do not believe anyone should be condemned to live their life without love, or being in love. I could not imagine living a life where you never let anyone in. She believes that makes her weak, and lives in fear of becoming someone she was when she was with her abusive ex. She needs to know it was not her fault! The first and only person she loved just happened to be a terrible human being. I know she has been betrayed by others in her life as well, but she needs to know there are good people out there that would never hurt her. She is an amazing young woman and I know she can one day overcome the fears of her past. She just needs some guidance from the ones close to her, and maybe she will seek to talk to an expert. The sooner she deals with her fears the sooner she can start living a complete life again. I do not know if I will be around to that happen, I need to push forward with my life. But I am happy to have met your daughter and I have shared some good memories with her.

 

It is not my intention to make any contact after this letter, but I have no problem if you want to ask me questions. I wish you all well."

 

Dude you should not be sending letters to your ex's parents, especially one that is very critical of her. Their reaction is just going to be "Wow, what an A-Hole"

  • Like 8
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's a great letter if you don't send it.

 

If you send it, it's a very bad letter.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 3
Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted

What the..

 

Yeah.. no.. don't send that...

 

Not sure who you think you are to see yourself entitled to send such a letter, but you're not her family. If she needs help, you can suggest HER to see a health professional.

  • Like 1
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Established Member

chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

Posted
Posted

A letter of that length would be inappropriate even if you'd been married thirty years. You have met her parents one time. It sounds like you're hoping this impassioned plea will somehow move her parents to rush to their daughter and say "No! No! You can't throw him away, he loves you!" and then dramatic music will play and you'll kiss in the rain and roll credits or whatever. I assure you her parents don't care how you're handling the breakup, and they would probably feel pity and alarm to read something like this. At any rate it would just reaffirm their decision that their daughter did the right thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, I understand the impulse to reach out to something, anything that can revive the connection to your ex. But you ultimately have to sever it for your own well-being. Write as many letters as you need, but don't send any of them. Definitely do not send this one.

  • Like 6
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Nope, nope, nope.

  • Like 4
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Good heavens man, what in the world would make you think that's a good idea?

 

Do not send this letter. You are hugely over-stepping boundaries. Just...NO.

  • Like 3
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

It's actually massively patronising.

  • Like 1
  • Author
inbrake New Member

inbrake

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Well I know she hides stuff from her parents, and since they are very involved with her life I guess I just wanted to let them know her past is still affecting her.

  • Author
inbrake New Member

inbrake

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yeah I know she definitely needs to see an expert, but I think if I suggested that to her it would just make her not want to see one even more.

Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted
Well I know she hides stuff from her parents, and since they are very involved with her life I guess I just wanted to let them know her past is still affecting her.

 

That's none of your business.

 

If she did crystal meth, I could see you blowing the whistle, but this is not the case.

 

They will see you as a lunatic overstepping his boundaries.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted
Well I know she hides stuff from her parents, and since they are very involved with her life I guess I just wanted to let them know her past is still affecting her.

 

Not your place to instruct her parents about their daughter.

  • Like 1
  • Author
inbrake New Member

inbrake

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the replies. I guess I'll have to just let her deal with it however she is going to. I felt the need to help, especially since she is prone to making bad decisions. She would have never left her abusive ex if her friend's didn't intervene and she used to lie to her parents about even seeing him.

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Well I know she hides stuff from her parents, and since they are very involved with her life I guess I just wanted to let them know her past is still affecting her.

 

It's yourself that you should be thinking about, and what it is in you that makes you think that this letter could have any value to anyone but you.

 

"Dear Mr and MRS X,

 

Your daughter is nuts.

 

I just thought I'd bring that to your attention.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Blah."

  • Like 6
Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

Posted
Posted

There may not be any animosity between you & you ex, and her parents may like you, but I guarantee all that will change if you send that letter. Basically, you are lecturing them on how to be parents! You come off as being arrogant, controlling, critical, condescending & passive-aggressive--not to mention foolish.

 

Look, you may be the nicest guy in the world but that letter certainly doesn't show it. Besides, unless you knew them before you began your relationship with your ex, there is no reason for you to have any contact with them.

 

Do yourself a HUGE favor, burn the letter, & start focusing on your own business.

  • Like 4
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

in asense your heart is true....

 

your intentions however will go askew....for you a beautiful poignant letter....to send it will not make her better....very heartfelt.....but not appropriate to send.....deb

  • Like 1
Hoosfoos Established Member

Hoosfoos

Posted
Posted

You can't rescue, help, or fix anyone who isn't willing to do it themselves. Don't send the letter. It's basically telling her parents that she needs professional help.

  • Like 1
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

Didn't even read the letter, but sending a letter to your ex's parents is an even more dreadful idea than sending one to your ex herself. Honestly, everyone -- from your ex to your parents -- would think that you were the biggest horse's ass in the world if you actually do this. The act itself is controlling no matter what you write.

 

Just an awful, awful, awful, awful idea.

  • Like 2
broken77 Member

broken77

Posted
Posted

don't be an ******* by sending them a letter. game over

  • Like 1
seminoles84 Established Member

seminoles84

Posted
Posted

I've seen it all now. Welp, see ya later!

  • Like 2
sober and dry Established Member

sober and dry

Posted
Posted

Man that's creepy... Come on, we can understand that you care about her but your letter is not just about that. Anyway, now, it's not the time for you to fix her, not at that level at least, even less "by" her parents!

 

I think you are clinging badly! Come on man, snap out of it and fix yourself!!!

  • Like 1
organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
Posted

Worst idea, ever.

  • Like 2
Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

Please no. Fiendishly bad idea.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...