Honestly, why not confess?

[Clay]

There seems to be a huge emphasis placed on "true remorse", but how do you(gen) gauge "true remorse"?

 

I think its really more about to committing back to the marriage. Committing themselves back to the person they married. The vows people take to each other are really something to pay attention to. I mean honestly I am sure when people get married they don't say at the alter " I Promise to LIE to you to go outside of our marriage for my own personal needs when I feel it suits me best." If the person ends the affair and they want to truly fix there marriage then they have to be honest about it all. I know its clear most people don't believe that. Sadly I think that's the real breakdown here. If they did and they truly recommitted themselves to the person they married then who knows. It might actually be the marriage they really wanted all along.

 

I personally think if a person is going to do those kinds of things and then continue to lie about its not the kind of person I would ever want around me or my kids. If more people were honest we would have less of a need for these kinds of discussions.

 

Clay

[fellini]

Remorse is for the BS from what you say. A WS doesn't have to show remorse If confession is not in the cards. What they have to show, for themselves, is a return to their basic values and get themselves and their marriage back on track. Regret and remorse are not emotions that need to be displayed UNLESS there is a dday.

 

Saying that a WS expect praise and a pat on the back is pure projection.

 

To continue with this, I had a total light bulb moment yesterday with another poster on this site that cheated and is choosing not to confess. At the end of the day, cheaters in that situation are only doing what they set out to do in the first place, cheat and hope they don't get caught. And yet, they expect praise and pats on the back for ending their affairs and recommitting to the marriage. I'm sorry, but that doesn't display true remorse. In fact, it is just another display of narcissism at its finest.

[Confused48]

I am a BS and in my circumstance I would have preferred my WS end her A and focus on doing what she clearly was able to focus on doing post dday. I would rather not have to live with what I am now required to live with because her A was NOT about me, it was about her, and it does not in any way define her completely, not even remotely. What happens to some people in an extremely short period of time when compared to more than a generation of marriage does not need to be their defining characteristic.

 

This would be a beautiful thing, if it happened. It did not in your case and I think it may never have happened in the history of human relations. With no consequences to the WS for the A, no witnessing even of pain in the BS by the WS, why would they change? Cake tastes good. If it is completely harmless to all involved why stop eating cake?

[Midwestmissy]

Jbrent that's exactly what my h did. Was emotionally abusive during the a, blamed me for everything (I was unaware of the a but knew he had left the marriage emotionally), pranced around with bravado since he had 2 women, ended his a with the train wreck ap, and recommitted to the marriage (guess I wasn't so bad after all?) all under the big lie. For 15 mos during his full commitment to the marriage, I knew there were lies, and dug and dug until he confessed. The ap not quietly walking away didn't help him. So selfish to take my options about the marriage and my sexual health away. He admittedly never had my best interest at heart, never until he finally spat it out. It's been 4 mos and I'm shattered.

 

Everything was about him and how much control he had. Or thought he had. he couldn't control the ap, the bh, my teenagers on the computer, his mother, his sister and everyone else to whom he lied. Mr big was impotent and now he sees it. The ap held up a trick mirror to him and he chose to believe what he saw. Much easier than being a man. Had he stepped up earlier instead of doing nothing, there'd be less work for everyone. We are in a very bad place right now and our children are forever changed and have no respect for their dad. That's what he sacrificed for 9 encounters with a fellow cheater he now hates. That swooshing sound you hear is my self esteem and self worth going down the toilet.

 

I always tell my kids 'the lazy man does twice as much work'. Just do the right thing, we all know what the right thing is.

[fellini]

Not sure where you are coming from with that assertion but the opposite makes more sense and coincides more with the world I live in. Surely it's conceivable that someone gets into an A, and for any number of reasons gets out and returns to the nest. Surely this is what people mean when they say a large number of A's go undetected or discovered.

 

Of course it's possible to unilateraly end an affair. Come on WS'S aren't 2 dimensional characters in a dime novel

 

 

This would be a beautiful thing, if it happened. It did not in your case and I think it may never have happened in the history of human relations. With no consequences to the WS for the A, no witnessing even of pain in the BS by the WS, why would they change? Cake tastes good. If it is completely harmless to all involved why stop eating cake?

[fellini]

It's weird because in my book not telling someone something is LESS choosing how someone will feel than TELLING and sending them into PTSD is.

 

 

 

 

 

The issue I have is that every WS who chooses not to tell their spouse is doing the exact same thing you decry. They are choosing for someone else how they will feel and what they should/ should not know in thier life. Infidelity does not only affcet the perosn who cheats, but their spouse , etc. as well.

[Selfish]

This would be a beautiful thing, if it happened. It did not in your case and I think it may never have happened in the history of human relations. With no consequences to the WS for the A, no witnessing even of pain in the BS by the WS, why would they change? Cake tastes good. If it is completely harmless to all involved why stop eating cake?

 

It dors happen in real life. It happened to me. The cake was not good. The affair was ended. NC was in place. The reason you don't hear about it is usually those people don't seek forums. And of course their spouse doesn't know about it. And the fact that many affairs are caught during the "honeymoon" phase. I can tell you it is easier to get over your AP when the ending is your own choice and not abrupt. But it doesn't help with the self loathing or the struggle to know if you should or shouldn't tell.

[Confused48]

Not sure where you are coming from with that assertion but the opposite makes more sense and coincides more with the world I live in. Surely it's conceivable that someone gets into an A, and for any number of reasons gets out and returns to the nest. Surely this is what people mean when they say a large number of A's go undetected or discovered.

 

Of course it's possible to unilateraly end an affair. Come on WS'S aren't 2 dimensional characters in a dime novel

 

I do not dispute that a large number of As go undiscovered. I also acknowledge that a large number of the cheaters that get away with an A, never cheat again.

 

What I dispute is that your WW would have done the hard work you say she did, if her A went undiscovered. To have a decent marriage after an A, discovered or not discovered A, you need to do that hard work. And won't if it is undiscovered.

[Selfish]

I do not dispute that a large number of As go undiscovered. I also acknowledge that a large number of the cheaters that get away with an A, never cheat again.

 

What I dispute is that your WW would have done the hard work you say she did, if her A went undiscovered. To have a decent marriage after an A, discovered or not discovered A, you need to do that hard work. And won't if it is undiscovered.

 

Not always true. But i would say true for many if not most.

[Confused48]

It dors happen in real life. It happened to me. The cake was not good. The affair was ended. NC was in place. The reason you don't hear about it is usually those people don't seek forums. And of course their spouse doesn't know about it. And the fact that many affairs are caught during the "honeymoon" phase. I can tell you it is easier to get over your AP when the ending is your own choice and not abrupt. But it doesn't help with the self loathing or the struggle to know if you should or shouldn't tell.

 

Ah, good point. You told. You suffered and changed as a result, you did the hard work of confessing and seeking change in yourself.

 

I guess it is theoretically possible that one could change without confessing. But not without truly feeling the negative consequences of the A. I think you are rare that you felt these without a Dday and felt them strongly enough to want to change. I think it would be even more rare for a WS to feel this way and then not confess. I do concede it is possible. I've not seen anyone here that claims that is their story.

[Selfish]

Ah, good point. You told. You suffered and changed as a result, you did the hard work of confessing and seeking change in yourself.

 

I guess it is theoretically possible that one could change without confessing. But not without truly feeling the negative consequences of the A. I think you are rare that you felt these without a Dday and felt them strongly enough to want to change. I think it would be even more rare for a WS to feel this way and then not confess. I do concede it is possible. I've not seen anyone here that claims that is their story.

 

There are people who try to have an affair and are simply not cut out for all they involve (we are so stupid). I am not the only one.

[jbrent890]

There seems to be a huge emphasis placed on "true remorse", but how do you(gen) gauge "true remorse"?

 

I have no problem answering this question. Some of my suggestions, I adapted from chump lady and other sites.

 

1) Own up to it: Yes, this means confessing. I can see if you have a BS like Fellini that would have preferred not to know, but if you know cheating is a dealbreaker for your spouse, then come clean.

 

2) Show some Humility: This kind of ties into #1. But I'm getting really tired of seeing a wayward end an affair and recommitting to the marriage, and expecting some type of praise for it, especially when they don't even confess. Let's be real, at the end of the day, they are still only doing what they set out to do, cheat and keep it to themselves. Seeing as if most Waywards say that they never intended to leave the marriage in the first place, it can be assumed that knew that their affairs wouldn't last forever. But when they come out of it, they expect browny points. Not only do I find that narcissistic, I also kind of find it insulting. I think Waywards in this situation got exactly what they wanted.

 

3) Actions Speak Louder than Words: I think this says it all. You can only say sorry so much. Pretty soon you are going to have to show that you are sorry. My biggest suggestion is offering a postnup.

 

4) Do Not Blame Shift: Honestly, this shouldn't be done at any point. Nobody drives or manipulates a person to cheat. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. If you are not happy in the marriage and see no resolution in sight, then you can do the honorable thing by leaving. People do it every day and manage not to cheat in the process.

 

5) Be Decisive: After they get discovered I see a lot of cheaters just waffle with what to do. At this point you have two options. 1) divorce or 2) recommit to the marriage.

 

6) Stop Making Everything about You: One of the suggestions I see thrown around a lot when it comes to confession is "do what's right for you." Isn't putting themselves first what got them into the mess in the first place? The selfish entitlement has to stop.

 

7) Do Not Go On About Forgiving Yourself: I agree with Chump Lady 100% on this. This is by far the most narcissistic thing a cheater can say, especially when they don't confess. In the grand scheme of things, you forgiving yourself does not matter. The only forgiveness that matters is the person you hurt. Not to mention, I don't think it takes that long for a cheater to forgive themselves.

[violet1]

Read her other posts. She never said it was her only option.

 

You see some people get it. They understand why someone my choose to cheat without actually agreeing to said choice. I can understand why a BS would commit violence after discovering infidelity. Doesn't mean I think it is right.

 

Infidelity is no different. I can see why some people cheat (in circumstances far from my own even) but it doesn't mean I ever think it is the right choice.

Exactly! I understand why a person doesn't confess, but I don't necessarily condone it. There are a few rare situations in which I do believe confessing is in nobody's best interest. Does this mean I think secrets and lies are okay? No it doesn't. I'm always accused of not being a remorseful WW or supporting cheating just because I understand why these things happen.

 

 

I also understand why a desperate single mom may steal formula and diapers. It doesn't mean I think it's okay for her to do it. I just believe that understanding bad behavior is a way to prevent it from happening in the future. I'll share why I believe I cheated. This is not a excuse btw and it doesn't make what I did okay. A big reason why I cheated was because I was very resentful towards my husband. Now, I discuss things with him and try to come up with compromises so resentment doesn't develop again.

[fellini]

You are making the assumption that the marriage needed work. It didn't. She did.

 

And yes, she needed to find her dignity. This is a personal journey for her and has little to do with me.

 

When a WS realizes she is behaving in an undignified way, considering her life experiences, core values, etc. She need only recognizer that she stepped off her own path and knows perfectly well what needs to be done to get back on track and find herself again.

 

I sincerely don't know why you are so convinced that if an affair is undiscovered that essential work cannot be done. Who are you to make such assertions?

 

I do not dispute that a large number of As go undiscovered. I also acknowledge that a large number of the cheaters that get away with an A, never cheat again.

 

What I dispute is that your WW would have done the hard work you say she did, if her A went undiscovered. To have a decent marriage after an A, discovered or not discovered A, you need to do that hard work. And won't if it is undiscovered.

Edited January 16, 2015 by fellini

[autumnnight]

I have no problem answering this question. Some of my suggestions, I adapted from chump lady and other sites.

 

1) Own up to it: Yes, this means confessing. I can see if you have a BS like Fellini that would have preferred not to know, but if you know cheating is a dealbreaker for your spouse, then come clean.

 

2) Show some Humility: This kind of ties into #1. But I'm getting really tired of seeing a wayward end an affair and recommitting to the marriage, and expecting some type of praise for it, especially when they don't even confess. Let's be real, at the end of the day, they are still only doing what they set out to do, cheat and keep it to themselves. Seeing as if most Waywards say that they never intended to leave the marriage in the first place, it can be assumed that knew that their affairs wouldn't last forever. But when they come out of it, they expect browny points. Not only do I find that narcissistic, I also kind of find it insulting. I think Waywards in this situation got exactly what they wanted.

 

3) Actions Speak Louder than Words: I think this says it all. You can only say sorry so much. Pretty soon you are going to have to show that you are sorry. My biggest suggestion is offering a postnup.

 

4) Do Not Blame Shift: Honestly, this shouldn't be done at any point. Nobody drives or manipulates a person to cheat. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. If you are not happy in the marriage and see no resolution in sight, then you can do the honorable thing by leaving. People do it every day and manage not to cheat in the process.

 

5) Be Decisive: After they get discovered I see a lot of cheaters just waffle with what to do. At this point you have two options. 1) divorce or 2) recommit to the marriage.

 

6) Stop Making Everything about You: One of the suggestions I see thrown around a lot when it comes to confession is "do what's right for you." Isn't putting themselves first what got them into the mess in the first place? The selfish entitlement has to stop.

 

7) Do Not Go On About Forgiving Yourself: I agree with Chump Lady 100% on this. This is by far the most narcissistic thing a cheater can say, especially when they don't confess. In the grand scheme of things, you forgiving yourself does not matter. The only forgiveness that matters is the person you hurt. Not to mention, I don't think it takes that long for a cheater to forgive themselves.

 

This should be put on a sticky note somewhere

[autumnnight]

I think what some WS don't understand is that confessing is actually not only pretty much the only way to have a truthful marriage and move on for real, it is actually a powerful and freeing thing.

 

That might come across weird but let me explain. Anytime you are hiding something you have to at least somewhere in your mind be aware that it is hidden so you can keep it hidden. If you talk to even one person about it then you have to make sure that they will keep it hidden too. If you decide to come on the internet and tell it then you have basically told about a million people and have to hope they will keep it hidden. It goes on and on and on. And the whole time no matter how good your are being or how hard you are trying there is this huge variable out there. Actually there are lots of huge variables out there: phone bills, credit card bills, an old momento here or there, someone who might recognize you from a restaurant or something, a passing remark about a place you forgot to tell your spouse you went, and all the handful or dozens or millions of people who know what you did.

 

Let's face it in today's world if you cheat you are at least in some way living in fear if you do not confess. I wouldn't mind giving my spouse who knows me and is married to me the power to decide about the marriage by confessing. But I'd be damned if I would want to give some maitre di or friend of a friend or something that kind of power.

 

Confessing proactively, all of it, tonight, would free a WS of all that uncertain fear and powerlessness, and until they can do that and follow those 7 steps in an earlier post they are living under a black cloud that just isn't going to go away.

[elaine567]

To have a decent marriage after an A, discovered or not discovered A, you need to do that hard work. And won't if it is undiscovered.

 

I don't actually believe that.

You are assuming that all in affairs are a homogenous bunch and they ALL are incapable of working on themselves or their marriages.

You are assuming that somehow cheaters NEED confession and they NEED the disapproval of the BS and they NEED to wear the hair shirt of penance, before they can see the error of their ways.

I agree some may NEED that short sharp shock, but to lump everyone into that same category I think is being too narrow.

The assumption is that they need treated a bit like naughty children, before they can work on their marriage, and that is perhaps a bit condescending to those who embark on affairs.

I believe some in affairs are like children, caught in a fairytale but I also believe others have reached logical conclusions re their marriage issues and have taken pragmatic solutions. We may not agree re their solutions, but we are not in their shoes.

We are dealing with adults here and adults can think and do things for themselves, and I think that fact sometimes gets lost in the general furore around affairs. It seems to me from reading posts here, that in R the BS usually assumes the role of the disapproving parent and the cheater MUST assume the role of the naughty child, else all is deemed lost...

That to me doesn't smack of a healthy ongoing arrangement.

[purplesorrow]

I don't actually believe that.

You are assuming that all in affairs are a homogenous bunch and they ALL are incapable of working on themselves or their marriages.

You are assuming that somehow cheaters NEED confession and they NEED the disapproval of the BS and they NEED to wear the hair shirt of penance, before they can see the error of their ways.

I agree some may NEED that short sharp shock, but to lump everyone into that same category I think is being too narrow.

The assumption is that they need treated a bit like naughty children, before they can work on their marriage, and that is perhaps a bit condescending to those who embark on affairs.

I believe some in affairs are like children, caught in a fairytale but I also believe others have reached logical conclusions re their marriage issues and have taken pragmatic solutions. We may not agree re their solutions, but we are not in their shoes.

We are dealing with adults here and adults can think and do things for themselves, and I think that fact sometimes gets lost in the general furore around affairs. It seems to me from reading posts here, that in R the BS usually assumes the role of the disapproving parent and the cheater MUST assume the role of the naughty child, else all is deemed lost...

That to me doesn't smack of a healthy ongoing arrangement.

 

Affairs are condescending. Where was the adult behavior when they were sneaking behind their spouse's back? Lying to their spouse? Robbing their spouses of years of their lives? What kind of solution is an affair? How does it help a marriage?

[sidney2718]

I do not dispute that a large number of As go undiscovered. I also acknowledge that a large number of the cheaters that get away with an A, never cheat again.

 

What I dispute is that your WW would have done the hard work you say she did, if her A went undiscovered. To have a decent marriage after an A, discovered or not discovered A, you need to do that hard work. And won't if it is undiscovered.

 

I don't know if I agree with that. I think that on a recommitment to the marriage the WS would be very anxious to do the hard work and bury the A even further.

[sidney2718]

Exactly! I understand why a person doesn't confess, but I don't necessarily condone it. There are a few rare situations in which I do believe confessing is in nobody's best interest. Does this mean I think secrets and lies are okay? No it doesn't. I'm always accused of not being a remorseful WW or supporting cheating just because I understand why these things happen.

 

 

I also understand why a desperate single mom may steal formula and diapers. It doesn't mean I think it's okay for her to do it. I just believe that understanding bad behavior is a way to prevent it from happening in the future. I'll share why I believe I cheated. This is not a excuse btw and it doesn't make what I did okay. A big reason why I cheated was because I was very resentful towards my husband. Now, I discuss things with him and try to come up with compromises so resentment doesn't develop again.

 

Does he work with you to prevent resentment? If so, he's tacitly acknowledged that he could have behaved better in the past.

[Confused48]

I don't actually believe that.

You are assuming that all in affairs are a homogenous bunch and they ALL are incapable of working on themselves or their marriages.

You are assuming that somehow cheaters NEED confession and they NEED the disapproval of the BS and they NEED to wear the hair shirt of penance, before they can see the error of their ways.

I agree some may NEED that short sharp shock, but to lump everyone into that same category I think is being too narrow.

The assumption is that they need treated a bit like naughty children, before they can work on their marriage, and that is perhaps a bit condescending to those who embark on affairs.

I believe some in affairs are like children, caught in a fairytale but I also believe others have reached logical conclusions re their marriage issues and have taken pragmatic solutions. We may not agree re their solutions, but we are not in their shoes.

We are dealing with adults here and adults can think and do things for themselves, and I think that fact sometimes gets lost in the general furore around affairs. It seems to me from reading posts here, that in R the BS usually assumes the role of the disapproving parent and the cheater MUST assume the role of the naughty child, else all is deemed lost...

That to me doesn't smack of a healthy ongoing arrangement.

 

You are right. I was too narrow in saying all. I should have said most. There is the rare exception to what I said, I'm sure.

 

I don't know if I agree with that. I think that on a recommitment to the marriage the WS would be very anxious to do the hard work and bury the A even further.

 

I agree with you too. This is possible. Brings a tear to my eye to think of what could have been the result for me. Instead of what was for me,,, and most.

[merrmeade]

Forgot to mention this example of not confessing:

Since my brother was unable to move or eat, lived sadly in a nursing home, I decided it would not be in his best interest to tell him after discussing my H's and SIL's affair with my brother's care manager. There was nothing he could do about it, and he already had nothing. Apparently his family agreed and followed suit. He died a few months ago believing that his wife and family loved him.

 

And, sigh, I'd probably do it that way again but hate to imagine it. I did hate, too, that the kids shifted into lying mode so easily for his sake. Great modeling and expectations (not).

[Tayla]

 

 

7) Do Not Go On About Forgiving Yourself: I agree with Chump Lady 100% on this. This is by far the most narcissistic thing a cheater can say, especially when they don't confess. In the grand scheme of things, you forgiving yourself does not matter. The only forgiveness that matters is the person you hurt. Not to mention, I don't think it takes that long for a cheater to forgive themselves.

 

I edited for ease of reading and responding. The bolded one caught my eye. I kindly disagree. If someone is to change, then remorse ( which goes hand in hand with humility) does exhibit itself. Its NOT selfish to forgive oneself, its important in order to heal the relationship. A crippled soul and mind can not Hold up the one its harmed. Heal thy self and heal the relations. Its a balancing act and a slippery slope all in one. Separate the "ACT" which is actually not deserving of forgiveness , but forgive the person when change for good is happening.

Regretfully my mantra is fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, so I understand that some folks are leary to forgive and that too is understandable. ...

.in a perfect world...I just wish folks didn't inflict such heartache on the faithful spouse.

[katielee]

I don't think it takes that long for a cheater to forgive themselves.

 

agree with everything but this. 5 years out - still struggle with forgiving myself.

[badkarma2013]

Exactly! I understand why a person doesn't confess, but I don't necessarily condone it. There are a few rare situations in which I do believe confessing is in nobody's best interest. Does this mean I think secrets and lies are okay? No it doesn't. I'm always accused of not being a remorseful WW or supporting cheating just because I understand why these things happen.

 

 

I also understand why a desperate single mom may steal formula and diapers. It doesn't mean I think it's okay for her to do it. I just believe that understanding bad behavior is a way to prevent it from happening in the future. I'll share why I believe I cheated. This is not a excuse btw and it doesn't make what I did okay. A big reason why I cheated was because I was very resentful towards my husband. Now, I discuss things with him and try to come up with compromises so resentment doesn't develop again.

 

Really...you dare compare a single mother stealing to feed her child..to you choosing to have a A and lying.deceiving and betraying your husband..becaused you resented him.....and Now you want to talk to him...

 

How about talking to him BEFORE you went on you F FEST with another man...

Godalmighty ..the excuses and justifactions many WSs come up with still astound me..But I will say this your post IMHO is spoken like a true WW..