Honestly, why not confess?

[jbrent890]

JBrent - You're right, our communication is not clear. We can talk, but do not seem to be coming at issues from the same place. My husband is quite old fashioned in his views, and very religious, and we struggle to see things from the same angle. Over the years I have begged him to go for counselling, either separately or together, and he flat out refuses, and that is when he acknowledges there are problems, other times he is in complete denial and doesn't believe there are any problems. And on the whole there aren't many issues, and we get along well.

 

Clay, I understand the cheating is completely on me - it was and is my choice, and I accept full responsibility for it. The thing is, I have no wish to leave my marriage or give an ultimatums. I love my husband, we are (mostly) good together, and by getting this 1 need met outside my marriage it eases an issue inside the marriage and puts less strain on our relationship. I know its all the wrong way round for most people, but it seems to work.

 

The thing is it works now. If you think you have problems in your marriage, what you are doing is not solving anything, in fact, you are just running away from the issues on top of magnifying them. Your affair is not going to last forever. Sooner or later you are going to come face to face with person you have become and either two thing are going to happen. You are either going to blame yourself or your husband for what you have become. Again, I feel for you, but what you are doing is not how you solve issues in a marriage. You're dressing it up as something that is saving your marriage, when all it is doing is slowly killing it.

Edited January 15, 2015 by jbrent890

[merrmeade]

I am a cheater and I haven't confessed to my H, nor do I intend to.

 

I consider myself a good person, with strong morals, and I do understand the devastation that can be brought about if an affair is discovered. I'll try and explain why I don't feel what I am doing is terribly wrong.

 

I've been married for 7 years, and also cheating with a married friend for 18 months. My H and I have problems in our relationship, which we are working on, but in general we're happy. One part of our relationship that doesn't work is sex - we don't have it, and haven't for a long time. I don't know if we ever will again. This is what led me to seek outside my relationship for intimacy. My friend and I are very close, he is in a similar situation, and we hook up regularly, both fully understanding that the friendship is the most important thing, the sex a bonus but it won't ever go any further than that relationship wise. It works for us.

 

I see sex as a part of my relationship with my H, not the whole relationship. If my husband didn't like yoga holidays I'd go with a friend, or didn't like indian food, I'd eat out with a friend. These are all parts of the relationship and if 1 part isn't a shared passion then you do it with other people. I don't see sex as any different. And yes, I know a lot of you will probably be incensed by my attitude to it, but this is how I feel.

 

I also know my H would be upset if he found out, and if he did I would not do him the disservice of lying. I would tell him the truth and hope that he would understand why, which I believe he would, and the choice of how our marriage went from then on would be his, as I understand I am the one who has complicated our relationship. I love my H dearly, I have no wish to hurt him, but without me cheating and having a sexual relationship outside my marriage, my marriage would have ended long ago as I want sex in my life.

Yuck, just yuck 5 million times again yuck. And why is everyone so happy to discuss and intellectualize this bullsh-t? No interest in pointing out the fallacies in thinking here. None whatsoever. It will only be meaningful when she sees her "happy," sexually challenged spouse mortally wounded by her cavalier approach to adultery. Not to mention completely dismissing the throw-away offense of deception and betrayal. Excuse me while I throw up again.

[Spectre]

You have nothing but a concept to back you up.

 

Not to mention the fact that "living a lie" is just a concept as well.

 

For me, living a lie occurs when a person is actively involved with an AP.

 

You keep talking about concepts and all this, that is fine but..living a lie is..well, living a lie. You don't get to bend and twist the definition of "living a lie" to suit your own purposes. If a person has been cheated on and they are not made aware? They are living a lie. Does not matter if the cheating has stopped, they are living their life thinking they have an honest and faithful partner when they do not. That is the definition of living a lie. It doesn't get anymore clear cut then that.

 

I personally don't see past undisclosed infidelity as living a lie. The laughter shared is real, the experiences are all real. It may seem unfathomable that would be the better life than hatred, anger, selfishness, pain, and so forth.

 

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me you don't see it that way, but the thing is, if you have cheated and not told? Every day with your spouse is a lie. Every "I love you" is a lie. If you do not get that..there is nothing anyone on this board can tell you to make you understand.

 

Givinf your spouse the oppurtunity to choose as I chose to do may seem "right". But it carried a lot of pain for my H that keeping silent would not have done.

 

You know what? Pain is a part of life, and people are far far tougher then they think they are. Some people think they are fragile, this is why you will hear people say "If I was being cheated on and made a fool of I'd want to..be kept in the dark and continue being made a fool of..because reasons!" No, there will be some pain, but 99% of people can deal with it.

[A.Moscote]

Wow a great spark astralla, with that little confession post. I guess you have answered the question of this thread well i.e. why not confess.

 

I think I'd summarize the reason why you decide not to confess as a way to preserve all the best things and the bliss that you are having now. Does that sounds about right?

 

Though there is this one peculiar thing...

I also know my H would be upset if he found out, and if he did I would not do him the disservice of lying.

Why tell all? Why not minimize the hurtful thing, and try to contain the catastrophe?

[violet1]

Yuck, just yuck 5 million times again yuck. And why is everyone so happy to discuss and intellectualize this bullsh-t? No interest in pointing out the fallacies in thinking here. None whatsoever. It will only be meaningful when she sees her "happy," sexually challenged spouse mortally wounded by her cavalier approach to adultery. Not to mention completely dismissing the throw-away offense of deception and betrayal. Excuse me while I throw up again.

I'm not trying to cause a fight here, but should she live without sex? She said she loves her husband and they have a great marriage other than the sex. I don't see the BS in that situation as the victim. I see what he's doing just as cruel. She probably would be faithful if her husband would fulfill her basic needs. He refuses to give her sex or an open marriage so what does a BS expect in that situation? I'm sure you and others will say divorce! I don't think she or her husband want a divorce. What do you do if there's no compromise? Personally, I believe if a person is asexual or refuses to have sex with their spouse they should be willing to let their spouse have sex with others.

[purplesorrow]

I'm not trying to cause a fight here, but should she live without sex? She said she loves her husband and they have a great marriage other than the sex. I don't see the BS in that situation as the victim. I see what he's doing just as cruel. She probably would be faithful if her husband would fulfill her basic needs. He refuses to give her sex or an open marriage so what does a BS expect in that situation? I'm sure you and others will say divorce! I don't think she or her husband want a divorce. What do you do if there's no compromise? Personally, I believe if a person is asexual or refuses to have sex with their spouse they should be willing to let their spouse have sex with others.

 

The difference is she knows what he is doing and is openly accepting it on some level by staying in the marriage. He is not getting a choice because she is keeping it hidden. Why not just be honest?

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm not trying to cause a fight here, but should she live without sex? She said she loves her husband and they have a great marriage other than the sex. I don't see the BS in that situation as the victim. I see what he's doing just as cruel. She probably would be faithful if her husband would fulfill her basic needs. He refuses to give her sex or an open marriage so what does a BS expect in that situation? I'm sure you and others will say divorce! I don't think she or her husband want a divorce. What do you do if there's no compromise? Personally, I believe if a person is asexual or refuses to have sex with their spouse they should be willing to let their spouse have sex with others.

 

 

yeah. Hubbs is just as much at fault here. Not for the infidelity or the lies... but of fostering an environment that encouraged such behavior.

 

I love my wife. But if she closed down the booty factory for good....well, that aint what I signed up for.

[Clay]

I'm not trying to cause a fight here, but should she live without sex? She said she loves her husband and they have a great marriage other than the sex. I don't see the BS in that situation as the victim. I see what he's doing just as cruel. She probably would be faithful if her husband would fulfill her basic needs. He refuses to give her sex or an open marriage so what does a BS expect in that situation? I'm sure you and others will say divorce! I don't think she or her husband want a divorce. What do you do if there's no compromise? Personally, I believe if a person is asexual or refuses to have sex with their spouse they should be willing to let their spouse have sex with others.

 

The problem is when your in a marriage both people have a responsibility to each other. Sure there is no doubt the BS should be meeting her needs but its up to her to voice these concerns and if they are not met she has to make the decision to leave the relationship in search for a better one. There is no excuse for ever bringing someone else into the relationship. Once you open this door you can not go back. She is taking a chance on infecting her husband and her self with a STD. She is taking a chance on there being some kind of physical violence to take place. This still is just scratching the surface of all the negatives that come from this kind of thinking. If the BS ever discovers this on his own you have no idea what he might do. In my state your taking a chance on your life. The damage to him will last so many years its just never worth it.

 

Leave the relationship. Choose a more healthy life for the both of you. Life free without guilt. Life is so much better without knowing you willing set out to destroy people for what you felt you deserved.

 

Its just sad.

 

Clay

[violet1]

The problem is when your in a marriage both people have a responsibility to each other. Sure there is no doubt the BS should be meeting her needs but its up to her to voice these concerns and if they are not met she has to make the decision to leave the relationship in search for a better one. There is no excuse for ever bringing someone else into the relationship. Once you open this door you can not go back. She is taking a chance on infecting her husband and her self with a STD. She is taking a chance on there being some kind of physical violence to take place. This still is just scratching the surface of all the negatives that come from this kind of thinking. If the BS ever discovers this on his own you have no idea what he might do. In my state your taking a chance on your life. The damage to him will last so many years its just never worth it.

 

Leave the relationship. Choose a more healthy life for the both of you. Life free without guilt. Life is so much better without knowing you willing set out to destroy people for what you felt you deserved.

 

Its just sad.

 

Clay

Her situation is sad. She leaves, she looks like the bad guy. She looks like the one breaking up the family (if there's children). She said that her and her H don't have sex at all. There's no possibility of bringing home an std if that's the case, but I do get what you're saying. Of course two wrongs don't make a right, but her H is breaking vows just like she is. I think the problem is everyone thinks divorce is the answer to every issue. I don't believe in getting married just to divorce.

[jbrent890]

Her situation is sad. She leaves, she looks like the bad guy. She looks like the one breaking up the family (if there's children). She said that her and her H don't have sex at all. There's no possibility of bringing home an std if that's the case, but I do get what you're saying. Of course two wrongs don't make a right, but her H is breaking vows just like she is. I think the problem is everyone thinks divorce is the answer to every issue. I don't believe in getting married just to divorce.

 

I think your looking at this situation through your own lens. You cheated, you got caught, and it caused your husband to step up. I'm glad it worked out for, but your case is a very rare exception. You should know by now thay cheating doesn't solve problems, it only enhances them. Also, you think she would be the bad guy if she divorced. Imagine what people would think when they found out she cheated. No divorce isn't the answer to every issue just like cheating isn't the answer to any issue. If one partner says that there issues and the other isn't willing to work on them, then yes, divorce is the most sensible option. People do it everyday and most manage not cheat on their partners in the process.

[Clay]

Her situation is sad. She leaves, she looks like the bad guy. She looks like the one breaking up the family (if there's children). She said that her and her H don't have sex at all. There's no possibility of bringing home an std if that's the case, but I do get what you're saying. Of course two wrongs don't make a right, but her H is breaking vows just like she is. I think the problem is everyone thinks divorce is the answer to every issue. I don't believe in getting married just to divorce.

 

There is no doubt I will always be the first person to say leave a cheater. I really understand why you might feel divorce would be the first option when talking to me. I am really just saying its her job to voice her concerns to her SO. Its her job to hold him accountable to his agreement. Sex to me is like top on the list so you can bet if I am not getting it my wife is going to learn about it quickly. If she is unwilling to fix the situation or at least work with me to try to figure out how to resolve this then I will probably leave the marriage.

 

If you don't hold yourself accountable for your own actions then how can you ever try to hold someone else accountable.

 

Your working on your marriage that means you are learning this and you are doing the necessary things to help keep your marriage healthy. If she gets caught she might not get that choice and anything she says after she already lied might never be heard.

 

Clay

[goodyblue]

Of course this makes total sense. So you have a tumor in your brain right now, but you don't know it. Soo, said tumor can't hurt you, right?

 

If you suddenly drop dead from the tumor, having lived a wonderful life, happiness, love fulfillment, etc., would it have been better to know, to worry, spend the last of the time you have doing chemo, being miserable, vomiting?

 

Nobody can answer the tell/don't tell scenario except in their own personal situation.

[Selfish]

Wha-a-a-athe...?! :Sorry for the lack of encouragement! That's really a hard one. Shame on us!

 

 

Don't be facisous. You know very welllI meant confessing and used the wrong word. At least everyone else did. I often type too fast and have too many thoughts at once.

 

Hopefully there are people who do choose not to cheat because they google it first... But I don't have much hope for that.

 

I think threads about confessing are to encourage and discourage it. Contrary to what spectre thinks which is that these threads are just to spread the "strong dislike" of cheaters, remind everyone they are a special, unredeamable class of people, and pretty much say whatever they do is selfish. Despite the fact there are other differing POVs. And situations vary.

[Selfish]

If you suddenly drop dead from the tumor, having lived a wonderful life, happiness, love fulfillment, etc., would it have been better to know, to worry, spend the last of the time you have doing chemo, being miserable, vomiting?

 

Nobody can answer the tell/don't tell scenario except in their own personal situation.

 

The problem I have with the tumour anaolgy is... It doesn't fit. And doesn't rationally work for all affairs. A dead and done affair may or may no kill a marriage. An unknown dangerous cancer will. If people want to use an anaolgy to back their arguement for confession they probably should come up with one that is a better fit.

Edited January 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Selfish]

I am a cheater and I haven't confessed to my H, nor do I intend to.

 

I consider myself a good person, with strong morals, and I do understand the devastation that can be brought about if an affair is discovered. I'll try and explain why I don't feel what I am doing is terribly wrong.

 

I've been married for 7 years, and also cheating with a married friend for 18 months. My H and I have problems in our relationship, which we are working on, but in general we're happy. One part of our relationship that doesn't work is sex - we don't have it, and haven't for a long time. I don't know if we ever will again. This is what led me to seek outside my relationship for intimacy. My friend and I are very close, he is in a similar situation, and we hook up regularly, both fully understanding that the friendship is the most important thing, the sex a bonus but it won't ever go any further than that relationship wise. It works for us.

 

I see sex as a part of my relationship with my H, not the whole relationship. If my husband didn't like yoga holidays I'd go with a friend, or didn't like indian food, I'd eat out with a friend. These are all parts of the relationship and if 1 part isn't a shared passion then you do it with other people. I don't see sex as any different. And yes, I know a lot of you will probably be incensed by my attitude to it, but this is how I feel.

 

I also know my H would be upset if he found out, and if he did I would not do him the disservice of lying. I would tell him the truth and hope that he would understand why, which I believe he would, and the choice of how our marriage went from then on would be his, as I understand I am the one who has complicated our relationship. I love my H dearly, I have no wish to hurt him, but without me cheating and having a sexual relationship outside my marriage, my marriage would have ended long ago as I want sex in my life.

 

If you leave a spouse because they cheated, almost everyone understands. If you leave because of no sex... Well those that don't need human touch and sex will say "buy toys" are "get another "non cheating" outlet. Ignore those people. They are unhelpful and don't understand.

 

What you are doing now will only end in heartache. Very few affairs are long term sustainable. Someone if not everyone gets hurt beyond measure. Right now you are enjoying it all. But the fact you are searching about it and on here means you need support and are conflicted.

 

I won't tell you what to do. Because I know you will do what you want. But if I were you I would end the affair. Now. And get over your fear of ultimatums. They have their place. But don't work well when you want your cake.

 

Ultimatums that are needed:

"If you don't seek help for our lack of intamcy I will find it outside of the marriage" (or past tense if you decide to get honest.

Other ultimatums that are okay and I'm sure you will agree with are.

 

"If you don't seek help for your anger issues/ drug use/ alchohalism I will leave"

"If you don't end the affair our marriage is over"

 

They give the other a chance to know how serious it is and if they don't do their part can't say "i didn't know"

[violet1]

I think your looking at this situation through your own lens. You cheated, you got caught, and it caused your husband to step up. I'm glad it worked out for, but your case is a very rare exception. You should know by now thay cheating doesn't solve problems, it only enhances them. Also, you think she would be the bad guy if she divorced. Imagine what people would think when they found out she cheated. No divorce isn't the answer to every issue just like cheating isn't the answer to any issue. If one partner says that there issues and the other isn't willing to work on them, then yes, divorce is the most sensible option. People do it everyday and most manage not cheat on their partners in the process.

I didn't cheat because of a sexless marriage. I also don't think my situation or my H choosing to forgive is that rare. I don't generalize, I basic my opinions on the specifics of a situation. I do NOT condone cheating, but her situation is a bit different. She has stated that she begged her H for counselling, etc. No, cheating is not the best solution, but she's obviously conflicted on what to do. She loves her H, but she doesn't want to live without sex. Can you honestly blame her? Maybe she has young children who she doesn't want to only see half the time. I'm not sure of her reasons of staying.

 

 

Cheating is something that's considered a valid reason to divorce, but a sexless marriage is not always considered a good reason. I know of people who have open marriages because one person doesn't want sex, but wants to remain married. I think that would be the ideal situation for her. The affair is only a band-aid and eventually she's going to have to face the issues of her M.

[merrmeade]

I'm not trying to cause a fight here, but should she live without sex? She said she loves her husband and they have a great marriage other than the sex. I don't see the BS in that situation as the victim. I see what he's doing just as cruel. She probably would be faithful if her husband would fulfill her basic needs. He refuses to give her sex or an open marriage so what does a BS expect in that situation? I'm sure you and others will say divorce! I don't think she or her husband want a divorce. What do you do if there's no compromise? Personally, I believe if a person is asexual or refuses to have sex with their spouse they should be willing to let their spouse have sex with others.

But wait a minute. Why is adultery the only solution?

[Selfish]

But wait a minute. Why is adultery the only solution?

 

Read her other posts. She never said it was her only option.

 

You see some people get it. They understand why someone my choose to cheat without actually agreeing to said choice. I can understand why a BS would commit violence after discovering infidelity. Doesn't mean I think it is right.

 

Infidelity is no different. I can see why some people cheat (in circumstances far from my own even) but it doesn't mean I ever think it is the right choice.

[fellini]

You cannot cure infidelity. Infidelity takes its meaning from having already ocurred.divorce is no more a cure for infidelity than it is a cure for marriage.

 

 

 

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but how do you know that txhis is the only true cure for infidelity?

[fellini]

I am a BS and in my circumstance I would have preferred my WS end her A and focus on doing what she clearly was able to focus on doing post dday. I would rather not have to live with what I am now required to live with because her A was NOT about me, it was about her, and it does not in any way define her completely, not even remotely. What happens to some people in an extremely short period of time when compared to more than a generation of marriage does not need to be their defining characteristic.

 

Honestly, why should we have to spend the rest of our lives together with this elephant in the room when all she needed to do was to get proper treatment for her ISSUES?

 

I know there are things, secrets, in, my past, that i will take to my grave because they are mine, they belong to me, and it is me that has to carry the weight of their significance as I move through this one and only life.

 

This is the contradictory and puzzling natural of being human. If we are going to be trapped inside our own heads, with only ourselves, yet at the same time are born into a society, and within that society embark upon an agreement to share our lives with another, there are going to be unresolvable dilemmas. It's impossible not to. How we deal with, and how much discomfort we must bear living in this arrangement is up to each of us. And no one here, out there or anywhere has the right to question my mind if I say "I would have preferred she not tell me".

 

It's not an opinion, it's who I am.

 

 

That's an awfully big assumption. Suppose your om became unbalanced when the affair ended and began to harass or come after you or your husband, suppose you picked up an std, suppose someone else found out about the affair and told your husband at some point in the future, suppose he found out on his own, suppose your behvaior during teh affair was not so sterling as you would like to believe and he knew something was up, but not what is was and was hurting?

 

These are all situations beyond your control, and to say "he would have ben happier if he never knew" is a complete fallacy, as there is no way for you to know that, or to know if he would have spent the rest of his life in the dark. You are speculating, basing your opinion on varriables that may or may not have existed.

Edited January 16, 2015 by fellini

[truncated]

I am a BS and in my circumstance I would have preferred my WS end her A and focus on doing what she clearly was able to focus on doing post dday. I would rather not have to live with what I am now required to live with because her A was NOT about me, it was about her, and it does not in any way define her completely, not even remotely. What happens to some people in an extremely short period of time when compared to more than a generation of marriage does not need to be their defining characteristic.

 

Honestly, why should we have to spend the rest of our lives together with this elephant in the room when all she needed to do was to get proper treatment for her ISSUES?

 

I know there are things, secrets, in, my past, that i will take to my grave because they are mine, they belong to me, and it is me that has to carry the weight of their significance as I move through this one and only life.

 

This is the contradictory and puzzling natural of being human. If we are going to be trapped inside our own heads, with only ourselves, yet at the same time are born into a society, and within that society embark upon an agreement to share our lives with another, there are going to be unresolvable dilemmas. It's impossible not to. How we deal with, and how much discomfort we must bear living in this arrangement is up to each of us. And no one here, out there or anywhere has the right to question my mind if I say "I would have preferred she not tell me".

 

It's not an opinion, it's who I am.

 

 

Fine. That's your opinion for yourself, and i agree that no on should tell you what you feel.

 

The issue I have is that every WS who chooses not to tell their spouse is doing the exact same thing you decry. They are choosing for someone else how they will feel and what they should/ should not know in thier life. Infidelity does not only affcet the perosn who cheats, but their spouse , etc. as well.

 

The person who cheated may well never cheat again, or they might end up having another affair. Why is it okay for a betrayed spouse to not know that information? Do they not deserve to make informed decisions about their life and wh they choose to speind it with?

Edited January 16, 2015 by truncated

[jbrent890]

Fine. That's your opinion for yourself, and i agree that no on should tell you what you feel.

 

The issue I have is that every WS who chooses not to tell their spouse is doing the exact same thing you decry. They are choosing for someone else how they will feel and what they should/ should not know in thier life. Infidelity does not only affcet the perosn who cheats, but their spouse , etc. as well.

 

The person who cheated may well never cheat again, or they might end up having another affair. Why is it okay for a betrayed spouse to not know that information? Do they not deserve to make informed decisions about their life and wh they choose to speind it with?

 

To continue with this, I had a total light bulb moment yesterday with another poster on this site that cheated and is choosing not to confess. At the end of the day, cheaters in that situation are only doing what they set out to do in the first place, cheat and hope they don't get caught. And yet, they expect praise and pats on the back for ending their affairs and recommitting to the marriage. I'm sorry, but that doesn't display true remorse. In fact, it is just another display of narcissism at its finest.

[badkarma2013]

You cannot cure infidelity. Infidelity takes its meaning from having already ocurred.divorce is no more a cure for infidelity than it is a cure for marriage.

 

No you are right again...However...divorce for a great deal of BHS here and on other sites is like this.....most liken D after their wives lied and betrayed them to forgiveness...Forgiveness is for ONESELF not for anyone else...The Divorce for most BHs is for themselves and their well being..no one else...

 

I speak from experiance...The D did not fix her choice to commit infidelity...It allowed ME to continue with MY life..without triggers...esteem issues..and doubts

 

I am not anti R as you know Fellini...but it was my choice as many other BHs here..

Edited January 16, 2015 by badkarma2013

[elaine567]

To continue with this, I had a total light bulb moment yesterday with another poster on this site that cheated and is choosing not to confess. At the end of the day, cheaters in that situation are only doing what they set out to do in the first place, cheat and hope they don't get caught. And yet, they expect praise and pats on the back for ending their affairs and recommitting to the marriage. I'm sorry, but that doesn't display true remorse. In fact, it is just another display of narcissism at its finest.

 

There seems to be a huge emphasis placed on "true remorse", but how do you(gen) gauge "true remorse"?

[Confused48]

 

Ultimatums that are needed:

"If you don't seek help for our lack of intamcy I will find it outside of the marriage"

They give the other a chance to know how serious it is and if they don't do their part can't say "i didn't know"

 

^^^^^This is exactly right, IMHO. This is what was needed and we assume was not given. If she did this then I'd say she had permission to have an affair and keep it a secret.

 

She has stated that she begged her H for counselling, etc.

 

This is what she said she did. Close but not nearly enough, so she is just a run of the mill cheater. IMHO.