Honestly, why not confess?

January 11, 2015

I agree with realist to an extent, we are not usually programmed to tell the truth, all day, every day. The films "Liar Liar" and the "Invention of Lying" pointed that out quite well.

So faced with an awkward situation, we tend to lie. We lie to make ourselves seem "nice" or "friendly" or "superior" or "in control", to others.
We lie to smooth our own path.

"Great car!" is better received than "It's not as nice as my car" or "You actually spent money on that!!!"
I massage the ego of my friend and we do not fall out over the car, that is how it works.

So although confession is obviously a necessary part of R, how much to tell is always going to be an issue.
Does the WS say, that they had a wonderful time before Dday, every day was filled with sunshine with the AP?
Do they go into the intricacies of the affair?
"he/she and I together had the best night of our lives - nothing and I mean nothing will ever beat that..."
"she/he loves being touched right there"
"what a body!"
"he/she was so funny, we were in stitches every day!"
"I am so miserable without him/her, but I have to go through this R for the kids"
"I have never loved anyone like I loved him/her"
"we are planning to meet up in the summer again, once this all dies down..."
So whilst all that may be the real truth, will it actually help R? - I guess not and that is why I feel WSs try and keep as much to themselves, as is possible.

I think the "how much to tell" is only issue for those who are selfish. Anyone truly interesting in saving the relationship is going to give them any detail they ask for, no matter how small or graphic.

I get what you are saying when you say "will all the truth help the R?", but the thing is..if a person cheated they absolutely do not get to decide what will or will not help the situation. That is up to the person they betrayed, they don't get to choose which information will or won't help. Especially since something tells me any information they decide won't help will be the stuff that makes them look especially bad.

January 11, 2015

I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity.

Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me.

Translation: I would never confess because I'd be too cowardly and selfish to do so. Sorry pal, you don't get to play the whole "no reason to pile on!" stuff. You would of had no reason to have a one night stand either, but if you did that? Well, you can do other things you have "no reason" to do either. Like being an adult, taking responsibility for your actions, and all around not being a sh*tty person.

I can understand this thinking. It's self preservation.

You're doing something hurtful to your spouse, but if they don't find out, they won't get hurt by it. Many betrayed spouses have gone to their graves not knowing their spouse was unfaithful, so actually they weren't hurt could be the thinking.

What is hurtful is exposing them to stds, which even if you don't confess you could still be hurting them if you don't use protection.

Making your spouse look like a fool hurts them whether they realize it or not. People with a single iota of respect or love for their spouse would never subject them to living a life based on a lie, not for a single second.

Edited January 11, 2015 by Spectre

January 11, 2015

When a person does something they know is wrong they lie to themselves. This doesn't just include infidelity. I know a younger girl who's in her early 20's, married with a baby. Her husband quit his job awhile ago and didn't find another because he only wanted a certain type job with specific hours. Instead of telling her husband that he needs to take anything he can get to help the household, she chose to steal from her employer. She started looking for a higher paying job. She finally find one and put in her two weeks notice. She got busted a week before she quit and now has to go to court. She's a nice person and a hard worker. She fooled all of us. We had no idea she was stealing. In her thoughts, "desperate times equal desperate measures." Now she's facing the consequences and all I hope is that she will learn from it.

This also applies to infidelity. I lied to myself to the extent that I convinced myself that cheating was okay in my position. At that point I was never going to confess. I thought that taking my secret to the grave and living with the guilt was enough punishment and that I didn't need to transfer it to my spouse. Of course my perspective changed after my D Day. I can see now how messed up my thinking was. I understand why a WS who has never been caught would not want to confess. Until you pay for your bad decisions you don't see how bad they really are.

January 11, 2015

What you don't know can't hurt you.

January 11, 2015

Honestly, why not confess?

Honestly? Do you still believe this is an honest thread?

You ask for authenticity but you then fill 4 pages with

"But don't give me the BS about" and "im tired of hearing from WS that"

And then when even a BS gives a point it's attacked by complete strangers with "what YOUR WS really meant was"

So if you will read each and every post you will see that as far as the BS'S are concerned there are no authentic answers that they are not already prepared to accept. And honesty from a WS is just more lies, and only BS'S know what WS'S really mean.

I really don't see how this thread is supposed to reveal something u I que, even with that tag "honestly so dishonestly attached.

January 11, 2015

Honestly, why not confess?

Honestly? Do you still believe this is an honest thread?

You ask for authenticity but you then fill 4 pages with

"But don't give me the BS about" and "im tired of hearing from WS that" "they always want you to believe"

And then when even a BS gives a point it's attacked by complete strangers with "what YOUR WS really meant was"

So if you will read each and every post you will see that as far as the BS'S are concerned there are no authentic answers that they are not already prepared to accept. And honesty from a WS is just more lies, and only BS'S know what WS'S really mean.

I really don't see how this thread is supposed to reveal something unique, even with that tag "honestly so dishonestly attached.

I am left with the image of Jack Nicholson's famous retort, "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth"

January 11, 2015

Honestly, why not confess?

Honestly? Do you still believe this is an honest thread?

You ask for authenticity but you then fill 4 pages with

"But don't give me the BS about" and "im tired of hearing from WS that" "they always want you to believe"

And then when even a BS gives a point it's attacked by complete strangers with "what YOUR WS really meant was"

So if you will read each and every post you will see that as far as the BS'S are concerned there are no authentic answers that they are not already prepared to accept. And honesty from a WS is just more lies, and only BS'S know what WS'S really mean.

I really don't see how this thread is supposed to reveal something unique, even with that tag "honestly so dishonestly attached.

I am left with the image of Jack Nicholson's famous retort, "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth"

Good points. However, I think you need to understand that people have been disagreeing with each other for years, especially with topics such as infedility. This thread wasn't supposed to reveal something unique, but was created in an effort to hear people's point of views about the logic and motivations for not telling. Most importantly, it is to see if the motivations really are the true motivations. For example, most people will say that their prime motivation for not confessing was to protect their BS. Now I do not doubt that this might be the case for some, but for most it isn't. I have no doubt that protecting the spouse is a motivation, but I don't think its the main one.

January 11, 2015

Good points. However, I think you need to understand that people have been disagreeing with each other for years, especially with topics such as infedility. This thread wasn't supposed to reveal something unique, but was created in an effort to hear people's point of views about the logic and motivations for not telling. Most importantly, it is to see if the motivations really are the true motivations. For example, most people will say that their prime motivation for not confessing was to protect their BS. Now I do not doubt that this might be the case for some, but for most it isn't. I have no doubt that protecting the spouse is a motivation, but I don't think its the main one.

Jbrent, its something like an eggroll were its all wrapped up in one shell. Sure its most often self-preservation, that doesn't mean their aren't elements of not wanting to hurt the BS, or uprooting the kids life. Isn't that all part of not wanting to face it?

January 11, 2015

I think most people who have cheated do care for their spouses. They may justify their actions, but they don't necessarily want to hurt anyone. Having the mindset that if nobody knows, nobody gets hurt is IMO a huge motivation to why people don't confess. Of course there are other factors- children, finances, looking like the bad guy, etc. A BS may not like the WS's motivation for not confessing, but it doesn't mean it's not valid. There were lots of reason why I didn't want to confess. Causing my H pain was a part of that. Yes, I probably should have thought about that beforehand, but that's just not how infidelity works.

January 11, 2015

Jbrent, its something like an eggroll were its all wrapped up in one shell. Sure its most often self-preservation, that doesn't mean their aren't elements of not wanting to hurt the BS, or uprooting the kids life. Isn't that all part of not wanting to face it?

THE TRUTH DOES NOT DESTROY ANYTHING... Lies ,Deceit and Betrayal destroy a marriage....A WS MAKES A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

As a BH I would want to know.... anything less the WS is a coward and a cake eater..

Lack of character..selfishness..cowardness to name a few...if you did not want to hurt me..then why did you (in my case)have sex with another man...

The excuses are endless...But "I never wanted to hurt you" sounds GODDA&N hollow at the time...

January 11, 2015

What you don't know can't hurt you.

Of course this makes total sense. So you have a tumor in your brain right now, but you don't know it. Soo, said tumor can't hurt you, right?

January 11, 2015

Honestly, why not confess?

Honestly? Do you still believe this is an honest thread?

You ask for authenticity but you then fill 4 pages with

"But don't give me the BS about" and "im tired of hearing from WS that"

And then when even a BS gives a point it's attacked by complete strangers with "what YOUR WS really meant was"

So if you will read each and every post you will see that as far as the BS'S are concerned there are no authentic answers that they are not already prepared to accept. And honesty from a WS is just more lies, and only BS'S know what WS'S really mean.

I really don't see how this thread is supposed to reveal something u I que, even with that tag "honestly so dishonestly attached.

Okay, nothing you just said means the topic shouldn't of been posted. It doesn't hurt you one bit. If someone wants to ask why confess, let them. If someone wants to respond with what THEY think your WS meant, let them. You know why you let them? Because this was posted on a public internet forum, so when someone does that they open themselves up to a variety of opinions. Doesn't mean they are right or wrong.

It's asking a question, and any cheaters answering..well, that can help, even if not everyone agrees with the answer. Maybe it's not about revealing unique things. Sometimes a person has to ask a question a few times before they believe the answer, so you wouldn't have to of learned anything unique here in order to come away with *something* from this thread.

Edited January 11, 2015 by Spectre

January 11, 2015

I'll assume what you seem to be trying to say includes my opinion that it's not particularly interesting to ask for an honest response but then give a list of responses you don't want to hear, won't accept, or have the right to interpret and distort as you wish... This being a public forum and all.

Okay, nothing you just said means the topic shouldn't of been posted. It doesn't hurt you one bit. If someone wants to ask why confess, let them. If someone wants to respond with what THEY think your WS meant, let them. You know why you let them? Because this was posted on a public internet forum, so when someone does that they open themselves up to a variety of opinions. Doesn't mean they are right or wrong.

It's asking a question, and any cheaters answering..well, that can help, even if not everyone agrees with the answer. Maybe it's not about revealing unique things. Sometimes a person has to ask a question a few times before they believe the answer, so you wouldn't have to of learned anything unique here in order to come away with *something* from this thread.

January 11, 2015

If you know your BS is going to stay with you anyway after finding out, then I don't see the point in confessing and inserting all that drama into their lives and the relationship, especially if this was your first and only A and you plan to end the A. At that point, you should work (really hard) on making your M work. Fix all your problems! Do whatever it takes and hopefully that does work. If that doesn't work, then leave the M. DON'T stay and become a serial cheater or stay and remain miserable.

January 11, 2015

If you know your BS is going to stay with you anyway after finding out, then I don't see the point in confessing and inserting all that drama into their lives and the relationship, especially if this was your first and only A and you plan to end the A. At that point, you should work (really hard) on making your M work. Fix all your problems! Do whatever it takes and hopefully that does work. If that doesn't work, then leave the M. DON'T stay and become a serial cheater or stay and remain miserable.

The problem with this is that it is, sadly, human nature to think that if we got away with something once, we can get away with it again. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it hardens someone's conscience to carry around a lie.

January 11, 2015

I agree with realist to an extent, we are not usually programmed to tell the truth, all day, every day. The films "Liar Liar" and the "Invention of Lying" pointed that out quite well.

.

I ws raised to tell the truth and to accept the consequences of my actions, not to lie when I did something worng or hurtful.

There's a big differeence between telling someone that their dress doesn't make their butt like big- and i wish more people would do that for me and save me some embarassment:laugh:- and lying about soemthing that is life changing like having an affair.

January 11, 2015

Reading some of the answers to thw thread make me want to pose a mirror question, to see if the answers are different or the same.

Let's say there's a married man, and he happens to find a single woman and is attracted to her enough that he's considering starting an affair with her, but knows he will never leave his wife ( the reasons why he won't leave don't matter here).

Is it okay if he lies to, outright or by omission to his ow and never tells her he's married? If no, why not?

If you answer no because that's kepeing vital information from her, because she may fall for him and start to plan a life with him that will never happen, or becuase she's not being informed about the facts of their reationship, why?

If it's not okay for him to lie to her, then why is it okay that he lie to his wife? Dosn't she have just as much right to live an informed life as the other woman?

January 12, 2015

If you know your BS is going to stay with you anyway after finding out, then I don't see the point in confessing and inserting all that drama into their lives and the relationship, especially if this was your first and only A and you plan to end the A. At that point, you should work (really hard) on making your M work. Fix all your problems! Do whatever it takes and hopefully that does work. If that doesn't work, then leave the M. DON'T stay and become a serial cheater or stay and remain miserable.

I some what agree with this, but that is a very hefty assumption. I can see if they actually told you before hand that they would stay or if that wouldn't want to know, but you have no idea how someone would react to that news. Not to mention, I really don't think you learn anything by "suffering in silence." Personally I don't think that really is a punishment, and deep down I don't think cheaters do either. I can only imagine the relief that they feel when someone tells them not to confess. For me, even if I knew I would stay, I would still want them to confess. Not to tortue them, but so they can see the fallout. Again, personally, I really don't think cheaters grasp the magnitude of what they've done when they "suffer in silence."

January 12, 2015

The problem with this is that it is, sadly, human nature to think that if we got away with something once, we can get away with it again. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it hardens someone's conscience to carry around a lie.

Most of the people I know in A's would rather not be in one. They realize that it's bad and want it to end but don't know how to stop and that is why they are still in it. If they can manage to stop, they probably won't go back into another one, assuming they are not a serial cheater, but I believe most are 1st timers.

January 12, 2015

I some what agree with this, but that is a very hefty assumption. I can see if they actually told you before hand that they would stay or if that wouldn't want to know, but you have no idea how someone would react to that news. Not to mention, I really don't think you learn anything by "suffering in silence." Personally I don't think that really is a punishment, and deep down I don't think cheaters do either. I can only imagine the relief that they feel when someone tells them not to confess. For me, even if I knew I would stay, I would still want them to confess. Not to tortue them, but so they can see the fallout. Again, personally, I really don't think cheaters grasp the magnitude of what they've done when they "suffer in silence."

I never said anything about suffering in silence. They become a new person in their minds and the old cheating person goes bye-bye.

And, I, personally, don't think it's all that hard to predict who is going to stay. At least after getting caught the first time. I'll give you one - if one spouse is heavily financially dependent. Another - if the BS is like crazy in love with the WS (independent of WS being in love with them).

January 12, 2015

- deleted -

Edited January 12, 2015 by Jkidding

January 12, 2015

I never said anything about suffering in silence. They become a new person in their minds and the old cheating person goes bye-bye.

And, I, personally, don't think it's all that hard to predict who is going to stay. At least after getting caught the first time. I'll give you one - if one spouse is heavily financially dependent. Another - if the BS is like crazy in love with the WS (independent of WS being in love with them).

I was and still love my spouse but I'm not staying. Do you really think all of these betrayed spouses would be so hurt if they didn't love their WS? Do you think any WS loves their bs still?

Edited January 12, 2015 by purplesorrow

January 12, 2015

I was and still love my spouse but I'm not staying. Do you really think all of these betrayed spouses would be so hurt if they didn't love their WS? Do you think any WS loves their bs still?

Good for you for leaving. I hope you really do it and stay gone. Never said that if you leave it means you didnt love your spouse. It's just that the contract is broken.

This thread, however, is about those who stay.

January 12, 2015

Good for you for leaving. I hope you really do it and stay gone. Never said that if you leave it means you didnt love your spouse. It's just that the contract is broken.

This thread, however, is about those who stay.

Actually it's about why cheaters don't want to confess. You didn't answer my question though. But even if I do decide to go back, it will be good for me. This is the judgement I was talking about earlier. Are you married? Sent you a pm. Op, my apologies for getting off topic.

Edited January 12, 2015 by purplesorrow

January 12, 2015

If you know your BS is going to stay with you anyway after finding out, then I don't see the point in confessing and inserting all that drama into their lives and the relationship, especially if this was your first and only A and you plan to end the A.

I don't think most affairs are revealed by way of a voluntary confession by the WS. Therefore, if it is possible that your BS could find out some other way, you have decide how much more devastated your BS would be to find out some other way, than if you told them.

And unless you have talked about it before hand and been told they would specifically not want to be told, then the obligation to disclose is unavoidable, however unpleasant that may be for the WS and/or BS.

And, I, personally, don't think it's all that hard to predict who is going to stay. At least after getting caught the first time. I'll give you one - if one spouse is heavily financially dependent. Another - if the BS is like crazy in love with the WS (independent of WS being in love with them).

Your first example - must be both financially dependent AND unable to change that AND be placing a higher value on finances than happiness.

Your second - I can't imagine a BS crazy in love AFTER finding out about an affair. I just can't imagine that it is possible. After Dday you realize the person you were in love with was a figment of your imagination. I do think it is possible for some deluded narcissistic WS to THINK their BS would still be crazy in love with them.

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