jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Yes, but unless there was a video detailing every aspect of the affair, along with a commentary of the thoughts of the participants at every stage, then for some BSs the info given is never enough, it can never be enough. There is also the doubt that because the WS lied, they are still lying. I also believe that many BSs want some little twig to hold onto, some little chink of light that tells them that the WS really loves or wants to be with THEM. So whilst they want confession per se, they also want the WS to confess, "well if I am honest the sex was better with you", or "he/she was cold and heartless" or "he/she was a bit thick", something, anything that gives them the edge over the AP and gives them hope. Let's face what the realities of any affair. When a WS resigns themselves from their marriage and finds a new partner in life they decide to get involved with emotionally and physically they could care less about the BS in that moment in time. In fact, if you gave everything to the WS on a silver platter where they could just terminate the marriage without any adverse ramifications like financial troubles or splitting the kids I'm sure most would just bail from the marriage effortlessly. 3
Sub Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Yes, but unless there was a video detailing every aspect of the affair, along with a commentary of the thoughts of the participants at every stage, then for some BSs the info given is never enough, it can never be enough. There is also the doubt that because the WS lied, they are still lying. I also believe that many BSs want some little twig to hold onto, some little chink of light that tells them that the WS really loves or wants to be with THEM. So whilst they want confession per se, they also want the WS to confess, "well if I am honest the sex was better with you", or "he/she was cold and heartless" or "he/she was a bit thick", something, anything that gives them the edge over the AP and gives them hope. What you're getting at is that it's a no-win situation. But I don't think that's what disclosure is totally about, to eventually satisfy and put the BS's mind at ease. It's about giving the BS the opportunity to make decisions about their own life based on the reality of their relationship with the WS. It's not the WS's place to assume that the BS will have an insatiable curiosity about the details, and therefore use it to justify withholding. We hear it all the time: you never know how someone will react.
autumnnight Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I think the number one and honestly only real reason WS do not confess is self-protection/fear. I'm not talking about fear of violence. I'm talking fear of consequences or humiliation. They just cloak it in protecting the BS. Here's why the whole protecting the BS thing is bull. It forces the BS to live a lie, to live in ignorance, and to live in danger and uncertainty. I have never been betrayed in marriage through infidelity. I have, however, had the privilege of believing a person/people to be friends while, in reality, they were deceitful, scheming, and harmful. Living in ignorance made me trust them, and trusting them meant sharing more of myself and giving them more ammunition. It is a horrible feeling to not know whom you can trust. And no liars, cheaters included, are perfect. They ALWAYS slip up at least enough for the subject of their deceit and betrayal to get those nagging "off" feelings. A person with character is forthright. A person with character is honest, even if the people around them are not. A person of character is straightforward in their dealings. Therefore, the FIRST step to a heater regaining character is telling the truth. In other words, as long as a deceiver is deceiving, they have no character, regardless of their motive. 1
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Let's face what the realities of any affair. When a WS resigns themselves from their marriage and finds a new partner in life they decide to get involved with emotionally and physically they could care less about the BS in that moment in time. In fact, if you gave everything to the WS on a silver platter where they could just terminate the marriage without any adverse ramifications like financial troubles or splitting the kids I'm sure most would just bail from the marriage effortlessly. Yes I have a feeling you may be right. No loss of money, kids, status, friends, no loss of anything, I also guess many WS would not bother with the R process at all.
Author jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I think the number one and honestly only real reason WS do not confess is self-protection/fear. I'm not talking about fear of violence. I'm talking fear of consequences or humiliation. They just cloak it in protecting the BS. Here's why the whole protecting the BS thing is bull. It forces the BS to live a lie, to live in ignorance, and to live in danger and uncertainty. I have never been betrayed in marriage through infidelity. I have, however, had the privilege of believing a person/people to be friends while, in reality, they were deceitful, scheming, and harmful. Living in ignorance made me trust them, and trusting them meant sharing more of myself and giving them more ammunition. It is a horrible feeling to not know whom you can trust. And no liars, cheaters included, are perfect. They ALWAYS slip up at least enough for the subject of their deceit and betrayal to get those nagging "off" feelings. A person with character is forthright. A person with character is honest, even if the people around them are not. A person of character is straightforward in their dealings. Therefore, the FIRST step to a heater regaining character is telling the truth. In other words, as long as a deceiver is deceiving, they have no character, regardless of their motive. I agree with this 100%. One of my major complaints with those who don't tell is that feel that if they recommit to their marriage fully, it some how makes everything they did okay.
jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) I agree with this 100%. One of my major complaints with those who don't tell is that feel that if they recommit to their marriage fully, it some how makes everything they did okay. In all fairness I think there are a lot of WS's who eventually understand the destruction their affairs caused and do carry some sort of true remorse. Even when they exhibit guilt I'm sure most have aspects of the affair only them and the AP know sealed up until death does its part. Most affairs are started to test the waters outside of the marriage. There are different types of affairs as well. Spouses who don't plan on leaving the marriage, Spouses who are on the fence about leaving their marriage and Spouses who plan on leaving the marriage completely. In my case I think my wife was plotting her exit with her AP. I threw the wrench in their fairytale plans when I found out. I'm not sure if the realities set in or if her AP just bailed on her and said you're on your own and I'm not leaving my family. Edited January 9, 2015 by jm2013
Author jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 In all fairness I think there are a lot of WS's who eventually understand the destruction their affairs caused and do carry some sort of true remorse. Even when they exhibit guilt I'm sure most have aspects of the affair only them and the AP know sealed up until death does its part. Most affair are started to test the waters outside of the marriage. There are different types of affair as well. Spouses who don't plan on leaving the marriage, Spouses who are on the fence about leaving their marriage and Spouses who plan on leaving the marriage completely. In my case I think my wife was plotting her exit with her AP. I threw the wrench in their fairytale plans when I found out. I'm not sure if the realities set in or if her AP just bailed on her and said you're on your own and I'm not leaving my family. I was actually going to build into your point, but I got logged out. It's weird that it still posted though. None the less, I now do see my wife's actions post her ONS as sincere. However, originally I did not see it that way. At that point in time, all her good deeds did not matter to me. I saw them as actions that occurred out of guilt not because she actually wanted to do them. That has been my biggest hurdle through this process. For two years, I was led to believe that my wife was doing all these things because she actually wanted to improve our marriage, which caused me to step up as a husband. To find out differently was a definite shock to my system. Luckily MC is causing me to see things in a different light.
badkarma2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Let's face what the realities of any affair. When a WS resigns themselves from their marriage and finds a new partner in life they decide to get involved with emotionally and physically they could care less about the BS in that moment in time. In fact, if you gave everything to the WS on a silver platter where they could just terminate the marriage without any adverse ramifications like financial troubles or splitting the kids I'm sure most would just bail from the marriage effortlessly. I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER KNOW what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...EVER 1
jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER KNOW what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...EVER You know, for me as a BS this is starting to become less and less important to me. I'm pretty confident in my own sexual performance and I don't think this guy was really competing in those areas unless he was some porn star. This guy gave the emotional attention my wife craved and I'm sure they made "love" together. I think my wife was looking for more passionate sex than getting down and dirty if you know what I mean. I'm sure they did call each other honey or whatever the hell they did. I guess it is irrelevant at that point. 4
MJJean Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I was a WS in an messed up situation. Trying to make a long story short, I married a man because we were casually dating and I got pregnant. I'd been unfaithful with friends and strangers during the engagement and so had he. We both knew about the cheating before we married. Neither of us stopped secretly dating after the marriage ceremony. Some of my affairs were long term lasting months and others were a one of two time thing. Honestly, it would have been easier to just agree to have an open relationship and avoid personal contact as much as possible, but for some reason he had to act like the marriage mattered to him, at least in public. Maybe it really did matter to him despite his own cheating, maybe he just liked the drama, maybe it was just for appearances. Who knows? Anyways, a few years into the 5 year marriage I simply didn't bother to confess to my then husband. Why should I? We only interacted when we were fighting, when we were in a social setting, or when we were with family. I figured he knew I wasn't faithful, I knew he wasn't faithful, so why fight about it? Why share the details? It didn't seem like any of his business.
badkarma2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 You know, for me as a BS this is starting to become less and less important to me. I'm pretty confident in my own sexual performance and I don't think this guy was really competing in those areas unless he was some porn star. This guy gave the emotional attention my wife craved and I'm sure they made "love" together. I think my wife was looking for more passionate sex than getting down and dirty if you know what I mean. I'm sure they did call each other honey or whatever the hell they did. I guess it is irrelevant at that point. Sometimes an Emotional Connection w/sex involved is Much harder for the WW to overcome..You are right it wasnt about you or I it was my WW.. As I have said as BHs ..we will never get the whole truth..I however got more than I bargained for... You seem to be able to accept things that happened and deal with and accept your WW back into your life...I truly applaud your efforts... For many Bhs as myself... the lies ...deceit and her betrayal of our marriage...was a Dealbreaker... I think the thought of what she did with the OM and seeing the Pics...sealed any hope of R.....but that was just me...
jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Sometimes an Emotional Connection w/sex involved is Much harder for the WW to overcome..You are right it wasnt about you or I it was my WW.. As I have said as BHs ..we will never get the whole truth..I however got more than I bargained for... You seem to be able to accept things that happened and deal with and accept your WW back into your life...I truly applaud your efforts... For many Bhs as myself... the lies ...deceit and her betrayal of our marriage...was a Dealbreaker... I think the thought of what she did with the OM and seeing the Pics...sealed any hope of R.....but that was just me... No, I will never in a million years accept what she did. I thought I would be able to initially and extend true forgiveness. I don't think I can lie to myself. I tried. I'm just starting to care less about it all. Perhaps it's because I have pretty much fallen out of love with her. I'm using a line most wayward spouses use though I am not having an affair. "I love her but I'm not in love with her".
badkarma2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 No, I will never in a million years accept what she did. I thought I would be able to initially and extend true forgiveness. I don't think I can lie to myself. I tried. I'm just starting to care less about it all. Perhaps it's because I have pretty much fallen out of love with her. I'm using a line most wayward spouses use though I am not having an affair. "I love her but I'm not in love with her". I understand now...Thank You for the honesty...it is a rare thing these days..
Confused48 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I think you misinterpreted what I said. I will never justify cheating, even if you knew you were about to leave the relationship. My point is why add insult to injury. If you are already on your way out and there is no chance of fixing the relationship, then again, why add insult to injury? If you are not going to be there to build your partner up after breaking them down, then I see no point to confessing in that instance. Ok, well I can agree that giving all the gory details would be unhelpful. However, to just say to your partner that its over, you are leaving, and not admit is was bc of an exit affair, to leave them guessing as to why, that would be unfair. It would be better for the BS to know that they had a cheating partner. Makes it easier to say, maybe it is for the best, that persons was not right for me, I did not know what kind of person I was dealing with. 1
WhiteWingedDove Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 They ALWAYS slip up at least enough for the subject of their deceit and betrayal to get those nagging "off" feelings. BINGO there. I have one word to answer the question. Cowardice. ok two. ..Selfishness! No more really need be said, IMHO! 1
Author jbrent890 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Ok, well I can agree that giving all the gory details would be unhelpful. However, to just say to your partner that its over, you are leaving, and not admit is was bc of an exit affair, to leave them guessing as to why, that would be unfair. It would be better for the BS to know that they had a cheating partner. Makes it easier to say, maybe it is for the best, that persons was not right for me, I did not know what kind of person I was dealing with. I guess it really just depends on the person. If I was divorcing my wife, and she asked if there was someone else, then I would truthfully answer, because she wants to know. I would not however say "hey I'm leaving you and guess what? I've been screwing someone behind your back" if she didn't ask.
Author jbrent890 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I don't know, I guess the thing that disturbs me the most is the justifications that some of these Waywards come up with for not telling. One of the ones I have read was "it wouldn't be fair to my children." All I could think was too little too freaking late. Where was this mindset before you started screwing someone else. I mean do these people honestly not think about these things before they started cheating, because I find it hard to believe that they don't. I'm just waiting for the day on this site where I would see a WS say "I did it, I know I screwed up, but I don't want to confess, because I don't want to face the consequences." 1
autumnnight Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm just waiting for the day on this site where I would see a WS say "I did it, I know I screwed up, but I don't want to confess, because I don't want to face the consequences." Even if you don't hear it, we all know that this is the bottom line. 3
badkarma2013 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Ok, well I can agree that giving all the gory details would be unhelpful. However, to just say to your partner that its over, you are leaving, and not admit is was bc of an exit affair, to leave them guessing as to why, that would be unfair. It would be better for the BS to know that they had a cheating partner. Makes it easier to say, maybe it is for the best, that persons was not right for me, I did not know what kind of person I was dealing with. I agree...the Gory Details would not help if for instance the WW was exiting the marriage.. But as a BH if she was wanting to stay and Reconcile ...You had better DA%N well everything I asked No Matter how Horriable and It had better be the truth...If I found out ANY different of if you trickle truthed me..I would file for D if it was 10 years later... I chose to D My WW...I knew i could not get over the Lies and Deceit... Today if i see any hint of a Lie or if my Spidey Sense tingles...Its goodbye Motherfuc#er with a quickness...
DKT3 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I don't know, I guess the thing that disturbs me the most is the justifications that some of these Waywards come up with for not telling. One of the ones I have read was "it wouldn't be fair to my children." All I could think was too little too freaking late. Where was this mindset before you started screwing someone else. I mean do these people honestly not think about these things before they started cheating, because I find it hard to believe that they don't. I'm just waiting for the day on this site where I would see a WS say "I did it, I know I screwed up, but I don't want to confess, because I don't want to face the consequences." Lovin did just that in post #2 of this thread.
aStranger Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity. Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me.
Author jbrent890 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity. Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me. DKT: Touché aStranger: My wife had the same mindset. Because she wouldn't want to know if I had a ONS, she applied that mindset to me, even though she knew I would want to know. I don't know your wife. If she wouldn't want to know if you had ONS, then good job at fullfilling her wishes. If she would want to know, do you think it's fair that just because you wouldn't want to know that you should apply that mindset onto her? Before going on, just know that there is no vitriol with what I'm about to say. When you keep something like that to yourself, you are essentially covering a lie with another lie. Even worse, you take the right away from the BS to choose if they want to be with you. Again, if your wife wouldn't want to know, then more power to you. This why I always suggest to couples that they talk about what the consequences to cheating would be and if they would want to know or not. 1
autumnnight Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity. Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me. The problem with this thinking is that it is not telling that blows up the marriage. It's the CHEATING. That's like saying that the doctor telling you you have cancer is what kills you instead of the cancer itself. 3
badkarma2013 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity. Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me. She has already lied..deceived and betrayed you.... Shes already inflicted pain and humiliated you...You just dont know it yet.. They are nothing more than liars and cakes eaters and want what they want while keeping the marriage intact and dont have the character to tell you... Your marriage is already wrecked ....if you dont believe it...Let her admit the ONS to you or you find out...Then tell me what you have... 1
sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I would never tell. Why wreck our marriage if it was a ONS? And anything else would be a prelude to divorce and no reason to pile on infidelity. Same goes for me. If I don' catch her or have someone else tells me there is no reason for her to inflict that pain and humiliation on me. I can understand this thinking. It's self preservation. You're doing something hurtful to your spouse, but if they don't find out, they won't get hurt by it. Many betrayed spouses have gone to their graves not knowing their spouse was unfaithful, so actually they weren't hurt could be the thinking. What is hurtful is exposing them to stds, which even if you don't confess you could still be hurting them if you don't use protection. 1
Recommended Posts