jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Most people by now know that I'm pretty pro confession. I really don't believe that you should cover up a lie with another lie. I would like to hear people's opninions on why you should not tell. I definitely believe that there are certain circumstances that you should not confess. If you know the bs would harm you or themselves, if you already plan on leaving the relationship, or if the bs told you beforehand that they would not want to know provided you are recommitting yourself to the relationship. From my experience on here, the majority of Waywards that are not confessing are choosing not to because they know it's dealbreaker for their spouse. However the reason not to confess is masked with "I don't want to deflect my guilt on them." Personally I find that mindset rubbish, and I think they do as well. Again, I would love to hear thoughts on this issue? 1
lovinDKT3 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Confessing is hard. I knew I needed to and I really wanted to, but as you said, at a point I knew it would end our marriage. I didn't want him to be dissapointed in me or think less of me. Sure I didn't want to hurt him, but at that time I was still selfish and above all worried about how it would affect me. Self preservation really. In the end I just couldn't do it, and once he put it all together I still lied. Do I wish I had handle it different? Yes. I truly understand how scary it can be, but I think its a must if the WS intends to continue the marriage. JBrent its really a loaded question, and I think your more interested in the motivation behind confessing or not. Bottomline is my motivation for not confessing was so I didn't have to face the music. 8
Mal78 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Most people by now know that I'm pretty pro confession. I really don't believe that you should cover up a lie with another lie. I would like to hear people's opninions on why you should not tell. I definitely believe that there are certain circumstances that you should not confess. If you know the bs would harm you or themselves, if you already plan on leaving the relationship, or if the bs told you beforehand that they would not want to know provided you are recommitting yourself to the relationship. From my experience on here, the majority of Waywards that are not confessing are choosing not to because they know it's dealbreaker for their spouse. However the reason not to confess is masked with "I don't want to deflect my guilt on them." Personally I find that mindset rubbish, and I think they do as well. Again, I would love to hear thoughts on this issue? A laundry list of reasons why WSs justify not telling comes in mind. I think much of it boils down to, "I want my cake and eat it too. If no one is counting calories then what's the harm"? My WS was different. He never had ongoing As. He also can't keep secrets, he told me about all 3 (within a 3 year period) and that was that. It was over and for some reason his mindset was, "I told the truth, I admitted to the A ASAP so that devolves me of any reprocussions and guilt". (Whole other can of worms it's been 20 years) I worry about those who are capable of having ongoing affairs years old. Years of keeping up with lies I assume you get pretty good at it. With all that power one could do so much damage. 1
katielee Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 if only. If only those who don't confess realize they're manipulating someone into staying married to them. If only they'd realize theyre now being loved conditionally, instead of unconditionally. If only theyd love their partner enough to allow them a choice... 7
harrybrown Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 If the roles were reversed, you would want to know. I think confessing is very important. If you once loved your spouse, how could you be so cruel to cheat on them, lie and deceive them and not tell them. Get the D before you cheat. my marriage of 40 years is really dead, because she will not own up to her A or affairs. It kills the love that once was strong for the spouse. So now we live in limbo, keeping contact with the family, but the marriage is dying a slow death. No trust kills any love over a period of time. 4
Confused48 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Most people by now know that I'm pretty pro confession. I really don't believe that you should cover up a lie with another lie. I would like to hear people's opninions on why you should not tell. I definitely believe that there are certain circumstances that you should not confess. If you know the bs would harm you or themselves, if you already plan on leaving the relationship, Seriously?! You include this with a list of things like fear of death as justification for lying to your spouse about sex outside the marriage? How morally bankrupt is that, to think that bc you have an exit strategy that means you can lie to your spouse and have sex with whoever you want?! Expose your spouse to STD's and to unbelievable heartache, just bc you have an exit strategy. No. That is not a justification. That is just pure selfish, entitled, narcissistic behavior. 4
No Limit Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 So many reasons. Cowardice, selfishness, the list goes on and on. 4
sandylee1 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 If the roles were reversed, you would want to know. I think confessing is very important. If you once loved your spouse, how could you be so cruel to cheat on them, lie and deceive them and not tell them. Get the D before you cheat. my marriage of 40 years is really dead, because she will not own up to her A or affairs. It kills the love that once was strong for the spouse. So now we live in limbo, keeping contact with the family, but the marriage is dying a slow death. No trust kills any love over a period of time. Can I ask why you stay together if it's so dead? Even if she doesn't confess and you know it happened, why stay? 5
sandylee1 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Most people by now know that I'm pretty pro confession. I really don't believe that you should cover up a lie with another lie. I would like to hear people's opninions on why you should not tell. I definitely believe that there are certain circumstances that you should not confess. If you know the bs would harm you or themselves, if you already plan on leaving the relationship, or if the bs told you beforehand that they would not want to know provided you are recommitting yourself to the relationship. From my experience on here, the majority of Waywards that are not confessing are choosing not to because they know it's dealbreaker for their spouse. However the reason not to confess is masked with "I don't want to deflect my guilt on them." Personally I find that mindset rubbish, and I think they do as well. Again, I would love to hear thoughts on this issue? Why not confess: Guilt Shame/reputation Fear of ending the marriage Fear of violence Because the cheater wants to be in control. Effectively you are making someone stay with you, without the full facts. You are not allowing them to make an informed decision. It's actually fraudulent. Especially those who start a marriage of cheating and those people do exist. Cheaters from day 1. Those living a double life. A man in my hometown committed suicide when his double life was exposed. A wife and a partner, neither knew of the other. Nine kids between them. The kids uncovered it all on the famous FB. Both women kicked him out, kids didn't want to know and the rest is history. More reasons not to confess: Fear that you will loose you financial comfort and lovely lifestyle. This is often the case with men who have stay at home wives. They don't want to divorce and split assets and pay spousal support for life. They don't want to have less than 50/50 custody. They don't want to have the kids hating them The top two reasons for homicide between spouses are financial and infidelity. 3
Realist3 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Honestly, why not confess? Because we are conditioned not to confess. From a very early age we learn about hiding things from our parents when we did wrong. Without getting caught how many times did you come to your parents and say, "I did xyz." Probably never. Why does anyone think the biggest lie of their life would be any different? 3
gettingstronger Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 They feel they will never get caught- I know from therapy my husbands A made him feel powerful, it was an ego boost-its just ick to me that was worth all we are going through now- in my mind, if he was too weak to say no, of course he would be too weak to confess-A's are for the weak minded and when involved in one I guess its too much for the weak mind to understand that they should end it and come clean- 2
waterwoman Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 H was almost ready to walk away when I found out something was going on, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. Because he was so scared of facing the situation he had created and of confronting me (and himself) with the whole messy truth. The fact that he reacted that way has impaired our reconciliation massively. Being painfully honest is....well, painful. Most of us avoid pain where we can. 2
Realist3 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 "Hey, officer... I was speeding. Could you give me a ticket?" 2
gettingstronger Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 "Hey, officer... I was speeding. Could you give me a ticket?" Not a really great analogy- guessing you don't claim to love the officer, guessing that your speeding does not impact his life the way an A impacts a marriage, etc... but I do appreciate you piping in because it furthers my point that when in an A people are weak minded- they allow themselves to think in a way that is not healthy or realistic- 2
Realist3 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 "Hey, officer... I was speeding. Could you give me a ticket?" Not a really great analogy- guessing you don't claim to love the officer, guessing that your speeding does not impact his life the way an A impacts a marriage, etc... but I do appreciate you piping in because it furthers my point that when in an A people are weak minded- they allow themselves to think in a way that is not healthy or realistic- I will give you that. At the same time it is fomented early on. 1
Sub Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I will give you that. At the same time it is fomented early on. Of course. But we evolve, and we mature. We begin to understand the consequences of our actions and the value of honesty. I think we all know why people, especially as children, generally aren't forthcoming when we do something wrong. I don't think that's what the OP is asking, though. The main reason I've seen given for not disclosing is the "what they don't know won't hurt them" line of thinking. On the surface, sure. That makes some sense. But just off the top of my head I recall two recent threads by WS's that are examples of counters to that: One worried that if she doesn't confess she'll continue to cheat. The other now worried that the AP's WW could tell her BH about the the A. It's just something so layered and complicated that it can't just be boiled down to "would you tell a cop if you were speeding?" 1
Confused48 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I thought Realist was making a joke. I love gallows humor.
Spectre Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 They don't confess because they are cheaters and by their very nature cheaters are utterly selfish. But yeah, one of the most asinine things a cheater can do is pull the "I am not going to confess because I don't want to hurt my partner and it's not right to do it just to get rid of my guilt!". Awww, what a trooper! Selflessly keeping this secret just so you don't hurt your partner. It'd be almost sweet if it wasn't so god damn a disgusting notion, considering they should of been worried about their partner before the cheating, not after. You don't get to brush their feelings aside till you've gotten banged, and then decide to take them into consideration. It's the truly cruel, selfish, and manipulative people who do not confess for those reasons. 2
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I agree with realist to an extent, we are not usually programmed to tell the truth, all day, every day. The films "Liar Liar" and the "Invention of Lying" pointed that out quite well. So faced with an awkward situation, we tend to lie. We lie to make ourselves seem "nice" or "friendly" or "superior" or "in control", to others. We lie to smooth our own path. "Great car!" is better received than "It's not as nice as my car" or "You actually spent money on that!!!" I massage the ego of my friend and we do not fall out over the car, that is how it works. So although confession is obviously a necessary part of R, how much to tell is always going to be an issue. Does the WS say, that they had a wonderful time before Dday, every day was filled with sunshine with the AP? Do they go into the intricacies of the affair? "he/she and I together had the best night of our lives - nothing and I mean nothing will ever beat that..." "she/he loves being touched right there" "what a body!" "he/she was so funny, we were in stitches every day!" "I am so miserable without him/her, but I have to go through this R for the kids" "I have never loved anyone like I loved him/her" "we are planning to meet up in the summer again, once this all dies down..." So whilst all that may be the real truth, will it actually help R? - I guess not and that is why I feel WSs try and keep as much to themselves, as is possible. 3
Author jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Seriously?! You include this with a list of things like fear of death as justification for lying to your spouse about sex outside the marriage? How morally bankrupt is that, to think that bc you have an exit strategy that means you can lie to your spouse and have sex with whoever you want?! Expose your spouse to STD's and to unbelievable heartache, just bc you have an exit strategy. No. That is not a justification. That is just pure selfish, entitled, narcissistic behavior. I think you misinterpreted what I said. I will never justify cheating, even if you knew you were about to leave the relationship. My point is why add insult to injury. If you are already on your way out and there is no chance of fixing the relationship, then again, why add insult to injury? If you are not going to be there to build your partner up after breaking them down, then I see no point to confessing in that instance. 1
Author jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I agree with realist to an extent, we are not usually programmed to tell the truth, all day, every day. The films "Liar Liar" and the "Invention of Lying" pointed that out quite well. So faced with an awkward situation, we tend to lie. We lie to make ourselves seem "nice" or "friendly" or "superior" or "in control", to others. We lie to smooth our own path. "Great car!" is better received than "It's not as nice as my car" or "You actually spent money on that!!!" I massage the ego of my friend and we do not fall out over the car, that is how it works. So although confession is obviously a necessary part of R, how much to tell is always going to be an issue. Does the WS say, that they had a wonderful time before Dday, every day was filled with sunshine with the AP? Do they go into the intricacies of the affair? "he/she and I together had the best night of our lives - nothing and I mean nothing will ever beat that..." "she/he loves being touched right there" "what a body!" "he/she was so funny, we were in stitches every day!" "I am so miserable without him/her, but I have to go through this R for the kids" "I have never loved anyone like I loved him/her" "we are planning to meet up in the summer again, once this all dies down..." So whilst all that may be the real truth, will it actually help R? - I guess not and that is why I feel WSs try and keep as much to themselves, as is possible. But don't you think that's why the majority of Rs fail is because the bs doesn't have that information? Heck, this was even brought up in another thread that the BS will never really know this information. I even suggested to one poster on here that she let her BH read her earlier threads because it would give him an idea where her mindset was during the affair. Guess what her response was? If I knew my wife enjoyed sex more with her AP then me, then I would leave. If I knew she only wanted to R for the kids, then I would leave. If I knew that her AP was the person she really wanted be with, then I would leave. I think finding out all this information during the R process is more detrimental to the marriage and for those involved as opposed to finding all this out from the get go.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 If you are not going to be there to build your partner up after breaking them down, then I see no point to confessing in that instance. I agree, Affairs are pretty horrible, the last thing a deserted BS needs is their whole belief system shattered and their self-esteem ground into dust by more truths in minute detail and in bright technicolor. Truths they didn't really need to know, and they would never have found out anyway. The fact their partner had an affair, is bad enough surely, without rubbing their noses in it.
fellini Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Well you asked a question, and now look at where you have landed. And probably, seeing that is the best answer I can give. Why not confess? quickly gets distorted into "Why, what, where, when, how, who, etc. etc. how often, which positions, truth truth truth. I've been there I want it all to. A confession is a great truth. It is a simple truth: Either you did or you did not. The "information" that BS's seek beyond confession is not always so simple, and is not something that can always be reduced to such a simple truth. So it really isn't about confession is it? When people go to "confession" they do so knowing the invisible man isn't going to ask them, "did you enjoy it my son?" ... Perhaps people simply don't confess because they know the confession is the easier part: what follows is pure hell. For everyone. I say this as a BS. I got a "confession" out of my WS relatively easily. Obviously she wanted me to "assist" her in her decision to either leave the marriage, or end the affair. Neither of which she seemed able or willing to do. After confession, the truth became a London fog - impossible to navigate through, and full of obstacles that kept coming up in my face. But the confession was a flash of bright light and a brick wall in the head. Edited January 9, 2015 by fellini 2
central Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 It's easier to not confess. You postpone the pain of dealing with the issue, and if lucky (well over 80% of affairs are NEVER disclosed or discovered) you may avoid it entirely. 2
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 But don't you think that's why the majority of Rs fail is because the bs doesn't have that information? Heck, this was even brought up in another thread that the BS will never really know this information. I even suggested to one poster on here that she let her BH read her earlier threads because it would give him an idea where her mindset was during the affair. Guess what her response was? If I knew my wife enjoyed sex more with her AP then me, then I would leave. If I knew she only wanted to R for the kids, then I would leave. If I knew that her AP was the person she really wanted be with, then I would leave. I think finding out all this information during the R process is more detrimental to the marriage and for those involved as opposed to finding all this out from the get go. Yes, but unless there was a video detailing every aspect of the affair, along with a commentary of the thoughts of the participants at every stage, then for some BSs the info given is never enough, it can never be enough. There is also the doubt that because the WS lied, they are still lying. I also believe that many BSs want some little twig to hold onto, some little chink of light that tells them that the WS really loves or wants to be with THEM. So whilst they want confession per se, they also want the WS to confess, "well if I am honest the sex was better with you", or "he/she was cold and heartless" or "he/she was a bit thick", something, anything that gives them the edge over the AP and gives them hope. 1
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