Feeling responsible for my ex-girlfriend

[Lear]

I really need some advice and it would be great if some of you would tell me what you think I should do. I'll try to make this as short as possible:

 

When I was 16 I met a girl with whom I fell in love. At that point she was a patient at a psychiatric day hospital for an eating disorder and depression. We met shortly before the end of her therapy there and I don't know how she was before she went there, but when we met she was actually more or less ok psychologically. That didn't last that long, sadly. We were happy for some time and she seemed ok but over the months she slowly got worse and at some point it got really bad: she became extremely depressed again, she relapsed into self-harming and her eating disorder, she had suicidal thoughts and really bad mood swings, so bad that she was unpredictable at times. I don't really want to think back to that time, so I won't go into detail, but it was really bad.

I broke up with her after 1.5 years. Because I couldn't deal with seeing her like this anymore, because we were fighting all the time and there didn't seem like there was anything I could do anymore, and because at some point I wasn't able to tell anymore if I was with her because I loved her or because I felt responsible. I just felt like **** all the time because I was trying so hard to deal with all this and be there for her but I reached a point where I realised that this was helping none of us and that I needed to get out and start concentrating on my own life again. I know that it was the right decision in the end but I still feel guilty about it until today. She attempted suicide shortly after the break-up, and even though I know that I didn't make her do this, I still feel guilty because I think it was my actions that lead her to it. She was admitted to a psychatric hospital after that and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

That was 2.5 years ago and we're still friends (or: again) and talk from time to time. She's been getting worse again lately and I've been spending some time talking to her, trying to be there for her, as a friend. She isn't asking for much, she's not pressuring me into doing anything for her, she simply needs someone to talk to sometimes.

But sometimes even this is too much for me because it reminds me of all the **** that happened back then and I feel helpless because I can't help her. I'm in a relationship now (with a man) and I can't talk to him about this because I don't want to talk about all the things that happened and I don't want him to know that I still spend time worrying about my ex-girlfriend. My feelings towards her are completely platonic but I am afraid that he might get it wrong. So I don't really talk about it which again makes me feel guilty because I'm not 100% with him. To be completely honest, I wish I could just stop talking to her because I don't want to think about my past anymore and about what happened back then. But I can't because I feel guilty and I feel responsible for her and I can't just leave her because that's what everyone else is doing. I think I'm probably just a very selfish person.

[darkmoon]

mental health professionals are there, she is not alone, nor are you selfish as you are the only one still on the scene

 

your new partner might wonder why you kept this attachment from him, and there is a likelihood that she will phone you when he is around, sooner or later

 

at least do not jump to talk to her soon as she rings you, at best phase her out, she needs meds badly, or i think her need to talk will grow for as long as you let it, and you are hoping some1 here will say bail, yes bail, i think she is draining you

Edited January 9, 2015 by darkmoon

[CC12]

My feelings towards her are completely platonic but I am afraid that he might get it wrong.

 

Well, he will get it wrong, if you've been hiding this from him and he finds out on his own. It's going to be really hard to make him understand why you're still carrying on with an ex-girlfriend and being secretive about it. This alone is a good enough reason to stop talking to her.

 

To be completely honest, I wish I could just stop talking to her because I don't want to think about my past anymore and about what happened back then.

 

This is also a good enough reason to stop talking to her.

 

But I can't because I feel guilty and I feel responsible for her and I can't just leave her because that's what everyone else is doing. I think I'm probably just a very selfish person.

 

You're not being a selfish person. You're dealing with someone who needs more help than you can possibly give her. She needs help from professionals, and you just don't have the kind of knowledge or training to help her. You're unequipped. That's through no fault of your own, but you can't take responsibility of someone else's mental health. It's too much for you. It's already causing you some problems, and it has the potential to cause much bigger problems in your personal life.

 

And finally, it might actually be unhealthy for her to carry on a friendship with her ex boyfriend from high school. There are probably a different set of feelings and expectations she might have from you, as compared to a friend, family member, or therapist.

 

Tell her that you wish her well and that you hope she gets better, but that you need to move forward and concentrate on your current life.

[preraph]

You have no control over her mental disorder. You are not why she attempted suicide. It was more than likely just a way to try to keep you there -- and it worked. You cannot help her. Being with her from today until you die will not keep her in good mental health. You are not her cure.

 

She is getting care, so you need to wash your hands of this at this point and give yourself a fair chance at a happy life. Her hanging on to you because you feel guilty is not at all healthy for her and as long as you are allowing this, you are only enabling her to keep using her illness to control you. You need to give her caregivers a heads-up before you do it, and then you need to let her know you are going to move on. Then you need to go no contact just like any other breakup. She needs to adjust on her own to this change. She's pulling suicide blackmail on you, and that is not a good trait. Also, you should let her know you're in a relationship. She won't like it, but it is at least some reason she can tell herself that it isn't her. If she doesn't already know it's with a man, you should tell her that too. While your justification with your man is you feel platonic, you know she does not. So that's not fair to your man. Let her know you can't have a normal life and maintain a relationship if you don't cut ties with her. If she really loves you, she'll understand the truth in this.

 

Set yourself free. Do warn her caretakers ahead of time so they can be on alert for her acting out again. You've been a good person to do what you could, but it's beyond your control. She might be able to let go of some things once she realizes you're really gone for good and do some growing and moving on herself.