newby Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 well i wrote a really long thread but my pc crashed just as i was about to send it. how annoying! well this is the long and short of it: broke n.c as i was sad and lonely spent a strange night w/him spoke to him 2 days later he said he never wants to see me again, i persisted with questions as i wanted the whole truth, not because i am a glutton for punishment but because i wantd to ensure that i got the real truth and there would be no way i could ever go back. it turns out he had no feelings for me whatsoever, none. it also turns out he sleeps w/his wife ALOT. his marriage is not in the mess he said it was in, everything he said was a blatant lie. now i am not a huge fool, i knew that he was painting a worse picture of it than it was, however i did not realise the extent of the lies. the logical conclusion the mind reaches no matter how hard i try to think otherwise is that the rejectee always feels that they must be inferior to the rejector, this is hard to swallow as he is a lowly thug with no vision or desire for spiritual evolution and absolutely no awareness or compassion with anybody that isnt like him, he does have compassion for his wife even though he did have an affair. as a result my ego is having a really hard time with this and i know that in the grand scheme of things the ego is nothing and yet i cant seem to deal with either the fac that he thinks he is better than me or that he actually is better than me. the thing is that i am still lonely with all the problems that i had before but i have to deal with the fact that he didnt in all that time have any feelings whatsoever it was a cold act to him. i find it hard to deal with the coldness of it. also that now that he has no use for me he must really view me as an inconvenience that i am still around as he must fear exposure. i live in the same street as him and there is nothing that i can do about that in a hurry. i am determined to take this experience and put it into my spiritual development somehow. i dont wish to recieve any i told you so's not because i cant deal with them but because thy are irrelevant.
ww Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 been there seen that ... felt the same way you feel MY ADVICE: wear something sexy, wear no panties under the super sexy dress, get out, do no flirting and just enjoy yourself.... let go of him, no he is not better . Grab your ego put it between two slides of bread and it it. Bon apetit. you will start to feel better trust me
d'Arthez Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 he said he never wants to see me again, i persisted with questions as i wanted the whole truth, not because i am a glutton for punishment but because i wantd to ensure that i got the real truth and there would be no way i could ever go back. it turns out he had no feelings for me whatsoever, none. it also turns out he sleeps w/his wife ALOT. his marriage is not in the mess he said it was in, everything he said was a blatant lie. now i am not a huge fool, i knew that he was painting a worse picture of it than it was, however i did not realise the extent of the lies. Affairs thrive on lies. We all know that, but sadly we can be mistaken in the willingness of a MM to portray his marital situation a lot worse than it was. That does not erase your pains, that does not mean, that this is what you deserved. Think of it in another way. He may have lied to you about his marriage, but he still lies about his marriage to his wife. If she does not know about the affair, there are reasons to feel even sorry for the wife. She has a husband, who does not mind hurting another woman in the way he has done. She has a husband who does not respect his wife enough to be honest with her. That he had no feelings for you might be true. But if he gave you the impression it was otherwise, you know one thing for certain. That he is by no means a prize man. the logical conclusion the mind reaches no matter how hard i try to think otherwise is that the rejectee always feels that they must be inferior to the rejector, this is hard to swallow as he is a lowly thug with no vision or desire for spiritual evolution and absolutely no awareness or compassion with anybody that isnt like him, he does have compassion for his wife even though he did have an affair. It is hard to deal with the situation. But look at the credentials of the rejector. His credentials are not telling of you, but only of him. What great compassion he has shown his wife, and what a fine human being he is! Seriously, if you could rationally make a decision about him, would you want to have him? as a result my ego is having a really hard time with this and i know that in the grand scheme of things the ego is nothing and yet i cant seem to deal with either the fac that he thinks he is better than me or that he actually is better than me. By assuming superiority over another human being, he has become an inferior human being. He is not better than you. He may think so, but he is a bloated frog. He may look large, but he is not. And he is still a frog. the thing is that i am still lonely with all the problems that i had before but i have to deal with the fact that he didnt in all that time have any feelings whatsoever it was a cold act to him. i find it hard to deal with the coldness of it. Coldness is always hard to deal with, as is loneliness. You have been deceived by MM. Do things for yourself, and start rebuilding your trust. And work on your problems. No one but you can solve your own problems. Other people can guide you, but nothing more. also that now that he has no use for me he must really view me as an inconvenience that i am still around as he must fear exposure. i live in the same street as him and there is nothing that i can do about that in a hurry. Oh, and now you think you are an inconvenience to him? In his mind it is probably true. Why? Not because he is compassionate with his wife. But because he wants to get away with the affair, and does not want the wife to find out. He might lose some things and liberties. Don't feel sorry for him, as he inflicted the situation on himself. You have your own problems and issues to attend to, and by no means they are easy to deal with. i am determined to take this experience and put it into my spiritual development somehow. You will.
newby Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 ww, i replied to you but since then i have registered as i am sick of my posts taking so long to appear. your reply made me laugh, thankyou d'Arthez, thankyou for your reply, it was very helpful and very kind. i dont think that i would seriously want to be with him no, its not really about that though. it is because the huge problems that i have with myself were diminished somewhat by having him as a distraction and by maybe somebody thinking that i was a worthwhile person. i do realise that this stuff has to come from within, however when somebody comes charging into your life making you feel that you ARE special it is very hard to stop and say "ah now, i must get this from myself first" especially when they are so persistent as he was. now that he has gone the problems i had are still there and there is no distraction and now that i know that he had no feelings any of the time for me and realise that me feeling that i was special to somebody was actually somebody spotting me as easy prey for manipulation. that it was all cold and calculated. that stuff is there on top of old stuff and i am finding things tough. it doesnt matter how many times i say to myself well that i wouldnt want him anyway because the pain is not that i never won him it is that i never was anything. i say that i am an inconvenience to him not because that is how i feel about myself but because that is how he feels about me now that i am no longer of any use to him along with the coldness and contempt and even i think in retrospect, pity for me that i was so easy and willing to please. it makes me feel bad. i saw him earlier and i didnt know what to do, i tried to make my face just blank as i dont mind him knowing i am hurting but i dont want him to feel pity although as far as i could make out from his expression he seemed to be smirking slightly, to look a little smug along with a little uncomfortable.
ww Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 well newby ...laughing is an half way to healing. great to hear you still laugh. my laughter was dead for a year and half. now it has shown out again and i am glad. not only! i am able to make people laugh ( apparently...way to go ww way to go!)
newby Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 yes ww i can always still laugh, i feel ok now anyway actually. now i know where i stand he cant ever lie to me again and he can never ever have me again, and he knows it.
ww Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 well my situation was the worse of kind...I even went through an situation that will leave me scars 4 ever. A stuff very difficult for a woman to deal with ( Christian or not ) ...and he was not there for me.
newby Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 ww, it is because thy are pampered, they have wives to look after them, thats why they will never leave. their wives are probably replacement mommys, they have never had to deal with anything. they have no empathy all they know is what they themselves have experienced, all they operate from is from getting what they want. be proud that you dealt with that stuff on your own and you are better now, you are stronger for it and you will never be so weak you have to have a parent replacement with you at all times.
Owl Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by newby ww, it is because thy are pampered, they have wives to look after them, thats why they will never leave. their wives are probably replacement mommys, they have never had to deal with anything. they have no empathy all they know is what they themselves have experienced, all they operate from is from getting what they want. be proud that you dealt with that stuff on your own and you are better now, you are stronger for it and you will never be so weak you have to have a parent replacement with you at all times. Hmmm...and you're talking about someone you were once in love with? I'm sorry WW, but it just seems to me that you're awfully bitter. I'm not saying that you haven't been through rough times, nor am I really defending MM's. I guess what I'm really saying is that you make it sound like it's ENTIRELY his fault, and the fault of his wife. And you blame them both for repairing their marriage (if they did). I know what you hoped for out of your relationship, and I'm not going to get into a discussion on what you expected to happen, but I hardly think that blasting the people who are working on recovering from something as horrible as the affair was to them (I'm a BS, so trust me, I KNOW how horrible it can be) is a fair response either. I completely agree that any spouse who has an affair has problems...definite problems that need to be worked on. And that the absolutely have some issues within their relationship that need to be fixed...don't take that wrong. But the whole comment about 'mommys' and parent replacements is just uncalled for. Take a moment and look at THEIR side of things, just for a moment. Think about the fact that at one point, they really were in love...just as much love as you likely felt for him. But they both began making mistakes...not paying enough attention to each other, not actively working on their marriage, letting the day to day pressures get them down...and add in the presence of someone who's not part of that day to day grind, not part of the 'reality' that they're trying to deal with. THAT is how most affairs get started. Not all...some are just people who never had a conscience in the first place, who probably didn't belong in ANY relationship. But the vast majority of them begin just in this kind of fashion...and the vast majority DO end up with the MM/MW returning (at least for a time) to the spouse. Not cause he needs his/her mommy/daddy...but because at one time, that relationship WAS something special. And that the truth is, he still loves his wife. And about 35% of those marriages survive...often happier, and more secure than they ever were, because NOW the couple knows the dangers, the risks, and what they need to do to stay together. You know what...I've spent a LOT of time looking at what happened in my case from the OM's perspective...a LOT. I no longer hate him...the truth is, he was attracted to the same things in my wife that I was. What I fault him for is for his failure to ME as my friend. As my friend, he should have come to me when my wife let him know how unhappy she was, he should have come to me and helped me work on my marriage...as my friend. He failed me as a friend....and that is in truth, the ONLY blame I can hold for him now. So, he's no longer my friend, and that's the end of it. You sound like you resent her....calling her his 'mommy', and a parent figure. Did she really do anything to you, WW? Or did she just fight for her husband back? Sorry...rant off now. Give some thought to what I've said. And regardless, I really hope that things work out the best they can for all of you.
ww Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 thanks Owl but i think you responded to newbys post not mine. I never said his wife is the replace for mother.... ( nor i feel so) I `ve only said I`ve been through something awful and he was not there. And tha`s it. fact is : he was not there
newby Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 actually owl, i think you meant to address that to me! ha ha! i was actually trying to give ww some moral support but well maybe i am a little bitter myself! quite frankly i am not going to give myself a hard time about being slightly bitter so soon after being knocked down by this. i'll give myself a little time to get over it. i certainly was not aiming the "replacement mommy" comment at the wife. it is not her fault and she has never done anything to me and i have no feelings about her whatsoever. i do however think that married men have things pretty easy alot of the time. its not their fault that other people go through bad stuff and neither can they help it if they dont feel that they desire to be with ow they had an affair with. however i dont like the way that they dont mind seeing ow for what they want and for when they have had hard day etc but when it comes to ow needing some support that they then are cold about it. then they still come back again after that and want ow to be there for them. that is not on and its not as though they can have had that bad a time or been through great loneliness.
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