Tullyseptember Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I don't want to call you desperate girl, you don't need to be desperate. This mans behaviour will be hard for you to understand because you are not him and do not have his issues. Please don't try to point out his good points to yourself to excuse his very bad points. My ex-husband did the silent treatment and the shifting of blame and so many other harmful behaviours that I allowed my self esteem to become nothing. It's definately a desperate way to live and you don't need to live this way. You sound very self aware keep that awareness moving forward so that your self esteem doesn't erode away because that's what your boyfriend is doing:( keep strong Beautiful Woman:)
pteromom Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 If you were married, I could give you some things to try, that may improve things and make it worth sticking through. But you aren't married. You aren't even living together. There is no reason you have to try to force a bad relationship to work. There is a great relationship out there just waiting for you. And it doesn't really matter if things were great a couple weeks ago (although I think you may be looking at that through a broken filter and trying to make it better than it was.) The fact is that he has shown you his nature. I've posted this so many times on LS, but this applies here so forgive me everyone else for the repeat. This is info from the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Patricia Evans' book is packed full of detailed information about the major differences in the way the verbal/emotional abuser and the victim or partner thinks. It is a great book to read after reading Lundy Bancroft's book, “Why Does He Do That?” I say this because Bancroft's book defines the basics of an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship, while Evans' book goes into great detail about the two separate realities the abuser and the partner live in. The two realities are called Reality 1, which the abuser lives in, and Reality 2 which the partner lives in. Both realities deal with power but in different ways. Reality 1 deals with “Power-Over”, and Reality 2 deals with “Empowerment”. The problem comes along when the partner, living in Reality 2, thinks the abuser is also living in Reality 2. “Power-Over” is just that: Power over anything and anyone. Everything is weighed by the abuser as a win or lose situation, even those casual conversations that you may define as trivial. To feel good the abuser must always win at all costs and only the abuser can define a “win”. It is a “me first” kind of reality where everything is geared around self. “Empowerment”, in Reality 2, is gained by living a life of mutuality where there is support, trust, assurance and encouragement. The partner always wants the best for and thinks the best of their spouse or significant other. They also unknowingly believe their spouse or significant other is thinking the same way they are. If there is an argument, the partner thinks if they only explain themselves to their abuser, he/she will someday understand – there will be an “Ah-hah” moment and everything will be better. Unfortunately this does not happen. The abuser, living in Reality 1, does not care for explanations. The abuser is only concerned with winning and “Power-Over”. So if your bf is a "reality one" guy, he sees every interaction as having a winner and a loser. It isn't about working together to solve an issue. It's about WINNING. The withdrawal, the yelling, the swearing...these are all just tactics to WIN the battle. If you are crying and yearning for him, he won. The rest (like how you feel) doesn't matter. I highly recommend that you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Why Does He Do That?" They are both books that will shine a light on your current relationship and prevent you from getting into another relationship with a "reality one" guy.
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