Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 So we finally spoke, and he said he's not a psycho, knows how I would have felt, and did care, but 'had to' have some time to think about why he feels how he does (negative, anxious, stressed). Does this all sound like BS?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 So we finally spoke, and he said he's not a psycho, knows how I would have felt, and did care, but 'had to' have some time to think about why he feels how he does (negative, anxious, stressed). Does this all sound like BS? It sounds like he is a terrible excuse for a boyfriend. He doesn't care about you, girl. Men who really care don't pull crap like this. If you choose to stay knowing this, that's on you. 1
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Ptero is right. He probably doesn't know that he doesn't love you as he has a skewed mentality about love. Don't cry sweets. xx You just haven't before been in a controlling type of relationship. I hadn't either until I was 43 and the RS was only 7 months long. It is the weirdest scenario ever and leaves you with only unanswered questions. The good news is you see his behaviour as odd and that you shouldn't have to deal with it. It is simply ridiculous and all 'me me me' on his part. ...except for the grand gestures..of course..those which he wants but they don't actually interest you... Get some reading done on controlling/abusive relationships and on narcissistic behaviours. PM me if you would like some reading fodder - as in books from Amazon. One which is a good place to begin is The jealousy Game by Mandy White (free on Kindle) and a short but 'hit you in the face and make you realise' kind of a read. Being with someone is nice - if it's fun. Being single without hassle like this is a world of so much better. Thank you so much. I guess I know what I need to do, but it's hard. You know, I hadn't ever really been in love like this before, even when i was married, but it's hard. It's so f*&king hard. And it shouldn't be, I know that. It's been just under a year, but I'm so used to that person saying good morning every day, and goodnight every evening, and not being alone all the time, which I was after my divorce and before I met him. So I know what I need to do, I just need the strength to do it. I haven't cried this much for such a long time. I thought that was it, and I'd met the right person. Things unravel so quickly. I am going to get that kindle book now. Thanks for the PM offer too. I'll be in touch. Thanks to everyone who has taken time to answer. Means a lot.
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 So we finally spoke, and he said he's not a psycho, knows how I would have felt, and did care, but 'had to' have some time to think about why he feels how he does (negative, anxious, stressed). Does this all sound like BS? Some folk like to take time out to chill before approaching again if there is a disagreement. The point is..are you happy to do that? If not, any other issue will result in you being upset - unless you can alter your reaction to it. Now is the time to be honest with yourself. If you need quick resolution it is OK. If you need slow resolution it is OK. What do you want? If this is not what you want then find the right man for you.
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Does this all sound like BS? Yes it does, and he will only refrain from hurting you again, until you displease him again, at which point he will hurt you again. Get off that merry go round. Edited January 9, 2015 by Satu 5
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Thank you so much. I guess I know what I need to do, but it's hard. You know, I hadn't ever really been in love like this before, even when i was married, but it's hard. It's so f*&king hard. And it shouldn't be, I know that. It's been just under a year, but I'm so used to that person saying good morning every day, and goodnight every evening, and not being alone all the time, which I was after my divorce and before I met him. So I know what I need to do, I just need the strength to do it. I haven't cried this much for such a long time. I thought that was it, and I'd met the right person. Things unravel so quickly. I am going to get that kindle book now. Thanks for the PM offer too. I'll be in touch. Thanks to everyone who has taken time to answer. Means a lot. We must have posted at the same time. You make my heart break.. I was right about to fall when my last ex went...crazy... I stuck it for a bit and then attempted to end it several times and he went back to charming. It did not last more than a few days. You don't deserve his treatment of you. You are stronger, better and wiser that that and you know this...or you would have never posted this thread. xx 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Some folk like to take time out to chill before approaching again if there is a disagreement. The point is..are you happy to do that? If not, any other issue will result in you being upset - unless you can alter your reaction to it. Now is the time to be honest with yourself. If you need quick resolution it is OK. If you need slow resolution it is OK. What do you want? If this is not what you want then find the right man for you. I guess what hurts is that he did seem committed before - he did seem like he cared, he went out of his way to do stuff (meet my family, friends etc) and now it seems like he doesn't care anymore, and doesn't love me. He is very selfish, I know that. And he does have issues with alcohol (I am really making him sound terrible!) and does have issues with depression. But I never felt that he didn't love me til the last week or so. He's pulled the silent treatment a few times, but while he's never been particularly sexual, he always been very tactile and loving, telling me he loves me, contacting me all the time, and so on. To think that that was all nothing is so painful.
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I guess what hurts is that he did seem committed before - he did seem like he cared, he went out of his way to do stuff (meet my family, friends etc) and now it seems like he doesn't care anymore, and doesn't love me. He is very selfish, I know that. And he does have issues with alcohol (I am really making him sound terrible!) and does have issues with depression. But I never felt that he didn't love me til the last week or so. He's pulled the silent treatment a few times, but while he's never been particularly sexual, he always been very tactile and loving, telling me he loves me, contacting me all the time, and so on. To think that that was all nothing is so painful. He doesn't think it was nothing but he thinks you are his step ladder. For you this means you are unrespected and there for him. You are deserving to be loved. He feels entitled to be loved. Look up Entitled Man/Mlae Syndrome on Google. I bet you find your man on there. I know this is harsh but I hate anyone going through what I did. 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 We must have posted at the same time. You make my heart break.. I was right about to fall when my last ex went...crazy... I stuck it for a bit and then attempted to end it several times and he went back to charming. It did not last more than a few days. You don't deserve his treatment of you. You are stronger, better and wiser that that and you know this...or you would have never posted this thread. xx I totally respect you for getting out of that. Amazing. It always seems so clear-cut from the outside. Realising it's not always so...xx 2
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Yes it does, and he will only refrain from hurting you again, until you displease him again, at which point he will hurt you again. Get off that merry go round. Just WHY why would anyone do this? People are messed up.
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I totally respect you for getting out of that. Amazing. It always seems so clear-cut from the outside. Realising it's not always so...xx The worst thing - for me - I was fascinated by what he would come out with next. I thought he was kidding. I thought he would go back to the lovely man I met. I was deluded. Intrigue with what he would say next kept me there more than anything as it was seriously bizarre. I take my own blame but he was a problem. Don't stay for fascination and being interested in what he will do or say next. 3
pteromom Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 So we finally spoke, and he said he's not a psycho, knows how I would have felt, and did care, but 'had to' have some time to think about why he feels how he does (negative, anxious, stressed). Does this all sound like BS? Is it possible he needs some time to think about things before talking? YES. Does that give him the right to claim that time by being rude and dismissive to you? NO. If he gently took your hands and said "I know this is a big issue that we need to talk about, but I need some time to think about it alone before I am ready to talk about it. I love you though and want to fix this." then gave you a hug and a kiss before retiring to his space for a bit, then came back and out worked with you to solve the issue, well... I don't think you'd be here unhappy, would you? So maybe what he said isn't BS. But how he is going about it is very very much BS. 3
pteromom Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 To think that that was all nothing is so painful. It wasn't nothing. I am sure that he isn't some cold unfeeling monster who never had any feelings for you. You don't have to overthink things here. If nothing changed, and this was what you were signing up for, is this the relationship you would choose, or no? Not what you think he is inside. Not what he is when things are good. Not his "potential". But what things are now. Is that what you want? 3
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 you are seeing the real him, he is not nice to live with, he is a bully in the home, regardless of your power, he had to top you 3
katlover Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Tell this guy to get better or you'll leave. You don't deserve this. You seem like a happy energetic girl you deserve better. Go find someone who is just as happy as you are. The guy should be making the girl happy not the other way around.. You see the sun is the guy, while the moon is the girl. The moon cannot shine without the sun. How are you going to shine(be happy) when you BF is being a moon? Get it? I'm surprised he was even able to have a girlfriend(s) with his depression. Tell him to either go find help and fix himself or else you'll walk. There are plenty of joyful guys out there who will treat you better. Edited January 9, 2015 by katlover 1
Bellaisa Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 He is putting you through emotional abuse. Absolutely. The silent treatment, making you feel bad about your natural instincts, and trying to put you down is abusive. You have to remember that true love doesn't hurt. You shouldn't have to feel bad, unhappy, or worried around him. That's not a healthy relationship, and you shouldn't put up with it. 5
umirano Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 This is a really good question. My answer would have to be...it's not all bad. The beginning was all good. He can be sweet. I don't know, sometimes I just feel this...rush of love, I guess. It sounds like co-dependency to me. You love him, but it really might be you love the idea of being able to fix him because you believe (and maybe with good reason so) that somewhere deep under the heap of his problems there's a great guy. It's possible. You're just not a therapist. You lack the training, and more importantly the professional distance. You won't be able to fix him. I suggest you leave him and find someone without so much baggage. 1
Satu Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 The relationship we have is the relationship we have today. The past and future can't make today any better. 1
newlyborn Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) this has been a heartbreaking thread to read, OP. and you have gotten such brilliant and compassionate analyses of the situation and suggestions for how to proceed. even if you do not feel strong enough yet to end the relationship, please see a therapist or join a codependency anonymous group in the meantime. the worst part of this relationship is how it chips away from your (already diminished) sense of personal worth and your right to have the most basic human needs fulfilled: attention, affection, affirmation, consideration, care, SEX! i am wishing you lots of strength and healing. Edited January 10, 2015 by newlyborn 2
EgoJoe Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Without defending legitimately abusive behavior. Guys need space in between negative emotions to sort through the duality of being unhappy in response to the behavior of someone you care for. Every relationship has a clinger and an avoider and these roles can be reversed. I suggest that you look up healthy boundaries and self love. Turn your focus inward and forgive yourself for not being perfect. Nobody is. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Desperategirl, After I read this He refused to speak to me for a whole day recently, because I snapped at him (this was after he'd been pretty combative for a while. I said one thing, wasn't that bad, then he swore at me, told me to leave him alone etc). This has happened before, though everytime the 'punishment' gets worse, and he ignores me for longer. He knows this makes me panic, feel anxious and cry, but does it anyway. I stopped reading because I had read enough. This is a big red flag - please get out of this relationship now. I married someone like this and it didn't get any better. Your BF is controlling, abusive and downright nasty. He is £ucking about with your emotions. I'm sorry x 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 this has been a heartbreaking thread to read, OP. and you have gotten such brilliant and compassionate analyses of the situation and suggestions for how to proceed. even if you do not feel strong enough yet to end the relationship, please see a therapist or join a codependency anonymous group in the meantime. the worst part of this relationship is how it chips away from your (already diminished) sense of personal worth and your right to have the most basic human needs fulfilled: attention, affection, affirmation, consideration, care, SEX! i am wishing you lots of strength and healing. Thank you for this message. I agree that the advice has been amazing and overwhelming. The weirdest thing is, a few weeks ago I would have said the relationship was amazing and I was happy. The sex thing was there but he was never as mean about it as he was recently. we spoke briefly the other night, and I offered him a very clear and easy 'out' from the relationship, which he did not take. He said he wants time to think about himself and his condition, but that he sees us being together, now and in the future. we had no contact at all the day after that. It was hell. i know it has to end, I know there's more, and I can expect more, but I just feel like everything's been turned upside down in the last week. i am following advice, and researching at all the points everyone made. I feel like I have to end it. It's hard though. I'm supposed to see him in a couple of days, and I don't know what to expect. i slept badly again, and had nightmares that i was running around trying to find him. Lost seven pounds cause I haven't been able to eat. Can't wait for the craziness to be over. 2
GemmaUK Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Guys like this won't accept an 'easy out'. It's much easier for him to continue with treating you this way - he has got away with it before so it won't take long for him to train you up his way and push the boundary a little more each time. When I finally split with my controlling ex (I say finally as it took several attempts) In the time between my first attempt to break up with him and when I finally did he was a sweetheart one moment and blaming me for everything the next. He sent me flowers to work three times within 5 weeks. I had said from the start that I am not one to like being sent flowers and especially not to my work place. He told me that I should like them. He also tried to buy me a jacket for my birthday for £300 - the jacket was an exact replica of one that I had bought myself for about £50 when he was with me a couple of weeks earlier. Felt like he was throwing money at me to get me to feel guilty if I broke things off with him. He was doing just this: feels like he's trying to control me into not having an opinion cos the fallout isn't worth it. The day I broke up with him I was meant to be booking rail tickets to visit him. I couldn't click 'buy' as I simply didn't want to go and see him again...ever. I had been with him 7 months and due to him having talked me around I just texted him this time and said it was over. I told him I didn't want to speak on the phone. The relief I felt from knowing I was not going to see him again outweighed anything else. You sound like you are getting to the point maybe where you actually would rather not see him in a couple of days time, I could be wrong but if you are getting to that stage you need to act on it before he wears you down any further. 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Thanks Gemma. When he ignored me for two days after I snapped at him, I definitely felt like it was a 'punishment'. He denied this, and came out with the classic 'I was angry and was scared of what I might say.' He also said he hadn't appreciated my attitude as he has to put up with it for a week every month. So then I gave him the option and he said he'd rather be in the relationship, but needs some patience while he deals with his issues. This was two days ago, and we haven't spoken again, hence my assumption he wants out. Do I want to see him? I'm nervous. A couple of weeks ago things wrre fantastc - now this. I'm confused.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Thanks Gemma. When he ignored me for two days after I snapped at him, I definitely felt like it was a 'punishment'. He denied this, and came out with the classic 'I was angry and was scared of what I might say.' He also said he hadn't appreciated my attitude as he has to put up with it for a week every month. So then I gave him the option and he said he'd rather be in the relationship, but needs some patience while he deals with his issues. This was two days ago, and we haven't spoken again, hence my assumption he wants out. Do I want to see him? I'm nervous. A couple of weeks ago things wrre fantastc - now this. I'm confused. Your gut and your heart are trying to tell you something - this relationship isn't good. This much chaos is a sign of toxicity. I wouldn't put up with that. He's immature. Do you feel loved and appreciated? 1
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