desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I'm in love with my bf of nearly a year, but some of his behaviour has worried me a bit. He refused to speak to me for a whole day recently, because I snapped at him (this was after he'd been pretty combative for a while. I said one thing, wasn't that bad, then he swore at me, told me to leave him alone etc). This has happened before, though everytime the 'punishment' gets worse, and he ignores me for longer. He knows this makes me panic, feel anxious and cry, but does it anyway. A friend of mine said she was a bit shocked about how dismissively she's heard him spoke to me. He has a very low libido, and doesn't like me to mention sex, or even tell a sex joke or whatever, because he thinks that 'puts pressure' on him. He's told me I'm obsessed with sex, and get turned on by ridiculous things. He says that it's weird that I have such a high libido, and he's never met a woman like that. This is not something anyone's ever said before. He has depression, and I wonder if that makes him act like a jerk. He always says he's sorry after, and that his issues are affecting our relationship, but won't take pills or accept money for therapy. I love him so much, but when he ignored me for so long, it made me start thinking about whether someone who wants to make me feel so bad can love me. He is so cruel sometimes, saying things like he never feels happy, so I don't make him happy. Then he says sorry after. I feel like being punished like this for losing my temper, being told to leave him alone because I'm 'pissy and moody' when he's moody a lot - feels like he's trying to control me into not having an opinion cos the fallout isn't worth it. Thanks.
Country_Girl Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Look up "stonewalling" - it's kind of a form of phsycholigical abuse. Sounds like that's what's happening here. As for the sex comments, I think he's insecure about sexuality and trying to bring you down with him. 6
toscaroscura Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 This whole thing sounds crazy abusive to me. Silent treatments ARE cruel, as well as extremely passive-aggressive. Literally nothing about this guy sounds good. And I've been where you are, with a guy who tried to make me feel like a defective freak for having a perfectly normal, healthy sex drive. The crux of it was, he was very selfish in bed and didn't give a hoot about my pleasure, so he tried to get out of it. Once he was more than happy to get his, but when I wanted reciprocation he told me all I cared about was sex, my libido is weird and too high, blah blah blah. I dumped him very shortly after. 4
Author desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Thanks for the replies. I was a bit worried people would say I was over reacting or being whiny. Like, he's sent messages telling me 'he's not ready to talk' to me, after ignoring me for hours for something that feels like nothing. Or even if I haven't really done anything and he's in a mood. It's not all the time though, just now and again.
GemmaUK Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 He is controlling and emotionally abusive. This also means he is charming and uses that side of himself when he wants to or needs to. I would run fast from him. I've been there - only once, once was enough. 6
Frank2thepoint Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Concerning sex, what you and your boyfriend have is sexual incompatibility. It can be worked on. He can boost his libido by eating healthier, eating raw garlic (this boosts libido) with meals, exercise, and even foreplay. He refused to speak to me for a whole day recently, because I snapped at him (this was after he'd been pretty combative for a while. I said one thing, wasn't that bad, then he swore at me, told me to leave him alone etc). This has happened before, though everytime the 'punishment' gets worse, and he ignores me for longer. He knows this makes me panic, feel anxious and cry, but does it anyway. This part is a red-flag, and worthy of a break-up. No one should be punished by lack of communication. The least he could do is convey that he is upset and needs to cool off a bit. The silent treatment should never be tolerated under any circumstance. It's a cowardly act. My suggestion is have a serious discussion with him, but try not to get angry. Explain to him that it is not fair what he does to you, meanwhile recognizing that you also know it's not fair that your directly reacting to his behavior by also getting angry and moody as well. Basically you both are fueling the fire. If you don't see an improvement in a few weeks, you will need to end the relationship. 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Thanks for the replies. I've been looking up stonewalling, and it appears that a relationship is basically doomed if that's happening anyway. I just don't understand how it's so good sometimes, and how awful others.
Author desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Thanks LadyLuck - this is the weird bit. I"ve ALWAYS been more dominant in relationships before. But you're right - what does he bring? It's weird - he brought out some big measures recently, surprise holidays, hints of proposing etc. I don't give a crap about going on holiday. I want someone who will listen to me and isn't so damn selfish that they struggle to grasp the concept of other people having feelings. Once he said that his ex-girlfriend was better looking than me. He denies saying it now, and says it's not true anyway. But that felt weird - like he didn't want me to relax about myself or something. 3
oldshirt Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 This has happened before, though everytime the 'punishment' gets worse, and he ignores me for longer. He knows this makes me panic, feel anxious and cry, but does it anyway. He's not doing it 'anyway.' he is doing it because it has the desired effect of controlling you. A friend of mine said she was a bit shocked about how dismissively she's heard him spoke to me. we can't live our lives according to what our friends like, but when you have friends and family expressing concern that someone isn't treating you right, you need to take heed. He's told me I'm obsessed with sex, and get turned on by ridiculous things. He says that it's weird that I have such a high libido, and he's never met a woman like that. If this is true, then millions of men all over the world would line up and crawl all over each other to be with you. You have a whole world of options. perhaps this isn't your best option. He has depression, and I wonder if that makes him act like a jerk. The only thing that makes people act like jerks is if they are a jerk. you are what you do. He always says he's sorry after, and that his issues are affecting our relationship, but won't take pills or accept money for therapy. Everyone has issues and imperfections and challenges. It's how we deal with them and overcome them that makes us who and what we are. I love him so much, but when he ignored me for so long, it made me start thinking about whether someone who wants to make me feel so bad can love me. If he is wanting to make you feel bad and is intentionally making you feel bad, that is what abuse is. He is so cruel sometimes, saying things like he never feels happy, so I don't make him happy. Then he says sorry after. another sign of abuse. I feel like being punished like this for losing my temper, being told to leave him alone because I'm 'pissy and moody' when he's moody a lot - feels like he's trying to control me into not having an opinion cos the fallout isn't worth it. That is exactly what it is. Thanks. responses above. 5
Frank2thepoint Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Once he said that his ex-girlfriend was better looking than me. He denies saying it now, and says it's not true anyway. But that felt weird - like he didn't want me to relax about myself or something. Damn, that's is not something anyone should utter to their significant other. I'm surprised you didn't tell him to go back to his ex-girlfriend and continue admiring her. 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 it drives me crazy - like, that's not normal right? 24 hours of being ignored for saying something that he didn't like? I feel like I'm going crazy, haven't been able to eat all day, having to leave my desk to cry, he said he's 'not ready' to talk to me yet. wtf???? he's making it sound like i did something really awful. I feel really confused and upset and exhausted.
angel.eyes Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Your relationship sounds very dysfunctional. What about it is meeting your needs? Are you ever happy? It sounds as if you're modifying your behavior to avoid him getting angry with you and punishing you with prolonged silence...basically, you're walking on eggshells around him. Dating is about finding someone with whom you're compatible, who adds to your life in some way, who mostly makes you happy. I'm not sensing any of that here. Regardless of your emotional attachment to him, you need to take a long, hard look at why you're with him and why you tolerate the way he treats you when it makes you this unhappy. 2
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I'm struggling to understand why you think you love this guy. Sex isn't right, he's depressed a lot, he's mean whether he's depressed or not, and he's all in all just treating you like crap. Learn to love someone who deserves your love and treats you better. How can you love someone who openly is a jerk to you? 1
Author desperategirl Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 I'm struggling to understand why you think you love this guy. Sex isn't right, he's depressed a lot, he's mean whether he's depressed or not, and he's all in all just treating you like crap. Learn to love someone who deserves your love and treats you better. How can you love someone who openly is a jerk to you? This is a really good question. My answer would have to be...it's not all bad. The beginning was all good. He can be sweet. I don't know, sometimes I just feel this...rush of love, I guess.
angel.eyes Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Fear of being alone, perhaps? Codependence, which is commonly seen in emotionally abusive or dysfunctional relationships? I wonder if you know what love really is...because what you describe definitely isn't it. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Guys like him love the power they get from controlling you. They love the validation they get from knowing how desperate you are to make things right. They love the manipulating the situation to suit their needs. But they damn sure don't love you. 2
sandylee1 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I'm in love with my bf of nearly a year, but some of his behaviour has worried me a bit. He refused to speak to me for a whole day recently, because I snapped at him (this was after he'd been pretty combative for a while. I said one thing, wasn't that bad, then he swore at me, told me to leave him alone etc). This has happened before, though everytime the 'punishment' gets worse, and he ignores me for longer. He knows this makes me panic, feel anxious and cry, but does it anyway. A friend of mine said she was a bit shocked about how dismissively she's heard him spoke to me. He has a very low libido, and doesn't like me to mention sex, or even tell a sex joke or whatever, because he thinks that 'puts pressure' on him. He's told me I'm obsessed with sex, and get turned on by ridiculous things. He says that it's weird that I have such a high libido, and he's never met a woman like that. This is not something anyone's ever said before. He has depression, and I wonder if that makes him act like a jerk. He always says he's sorry after, and that his issues are affecting our relationship, but won't take pills or accept money for therapy. I love him so much, but when he ignored me for so long, it made me start thinking about whether someone who wants to make me feel so bad can love me. He is so cruel sometimes, saying things like he never feels happy, so I don't make him happy. Then he says sorry after. I feel like being punished like this for losing my temper, being told to leave him alone because I'm 'pissy and moody' when he's moody a lot - feels like he's trying to control me into not having an opinion cos the fallout isn't worth it. Thanks. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I would say think about what you want from it. If it's just fun and you're having fun, then fine. If you want this to develop into anything more, I don't reckon he's the one for that. Dating is supposed to be fun, if a guy m a les you feel that way, you honestly need to question if you can deal with it. His behaviour won't change. 1
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Now 43 hours into the stonewalling...gone from panic, despair, tears, anger, ambivalence then through them all again. Four times. This is such an evil thing to do to someone. Either he doesn't love me at all, or he has no empathy.
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Fear of being alone, perhaps? Codependence, which is commonly seen in emotionally abusive or dysfunctional relationships? I wonder if you know what love really is...because what you describe definitely isn't it. This is a big part of it. This is my first relationship (not just dating) post-divorce. I hate being single, I can't bear the thought of it. I don't know why I'm so weak with this.
preraph Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 This is a really good question. My answer would have to be...it's not all bad. The beginning was all good. He can be sweet. I don't know, sometimes I just feel this...rush of love, I guess. Literally everyone is not all bad all the time and can be fun or nice sometimes. I've met sociopaths, dangerous ones, who were quite charming or funny. Get more for yourself, particularly for the long term. This isn't enough for a future.
pteromom Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I just don't understand how it's so good sometimes, and how awful others. Because it is always about what he wants. When he wants connection, he makes an effort to connect with you. So if he wants sex, affection, laughter, friendship, whatever, he gives it so that you will give it back to him and he will get what he wants. So you feel good afterward, because you were able to make HIM happy, and you were happy too! But his GOAL was never your happiness - it was his own. Then when he is moody, angry, irritated, or annoyed, he focuses on his needs then as well. So he is controlling, allowing him to feel powerful, cruel, allowing him to feel superior, dismissive, allowing him to get the space he wants, or silent, allowing him to punish you. He doesn't love you. And it isn't because of anything you've done wrong. It's because he is not CAPABLE of love. You know what love is, right? It's patient, kind, respectful, keeps no record of wrongs, accepting, and all that. Loving someone means wanting the best for them and wanting to see them soar and succeed and laugh and smile and have a wonderful beautiful life. What he is doing is something else - manipulating you so that he can continue to have his needs met, and hopefully demean you to the point where you will no longer have needs so his life will be easy. It's certainly not love. And you can certainly do better. 3
Author desperategirl Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Because it is always about what he wants. When he wants connection, he makes an effort to connect with you. So if he wants sex, affection, laughter, friendship, whatever, he gives it so that you will give it back to him and he will get what he wants. So you feel good afterward, because you were able to make HIM happy, and you were happy too! But his GOAL was never your happiness - it was his own. Then when he is moody, angry, irritated, or annoyed, he focuses on his needs then as well. So he is controlling, allowing him to feel powerful, cruel, allowing him to feel superior, dismissive, allowing him to get the space he wants, or silent, allowing him to punish you. He doesn't love you. And it isn't because of anything you've done wrong. It's because he is not CAPABLE of love. You know what love is, right? It's patient, kind, respectful, keeps no record of wrongs, accepting, and all that. Loving someone means wanting the best for them and wanting to see them soar and succeed and laugh and smile and have a wonderful beautiful life. What he is doing is something else - manipulating you so that he can continue to have his needs met, and hopefully demean you to the point where you will no longer have needs so his life will be easy. It's certainly not love. And you can certainly do better. Thanks. Reading this and crying. Even without the stonewalling stuff I have wondered, and even asked him if he loves me. He says so, but I guess he's lying. He's so selfish.
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 This is a really good question. My answer would have to be...it's not all bad. The beginning was all good. He can be sweet. I don't know, sometimes I just feel this...rush of love, I guess. How it works in the kind of relationship you have: You're not happy in the present, so you look back to the beginning when you were happy. You then put your hopes and energy into trying to make the future like the past. But you're still living in the unhappy present, and the present is the only place where you're ever going to be. He is emotionally abusive, and uses stonewalling to punish and control you. Withdrawing love the way he does, is deliberate emotional violence. Eject, eject, eject. 4
pteromom Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Thanks. Reading this and crying. Even without the stonewalling stuff I have wondered, and even asked him if he loves me. He says so, but I guess he's lying. I am sorry you are crying. As far as him saying he loves you, there are two possibilities. ONE, he believes he DOES love you. Only problem is that his definition of "love" isn't the kind of love that you want to receive. or TWO, he says it to keep you on the hook, because he knows you will hang in there for "love". It doesn't really matter which it is. He is incapable of the kind of love you want. He will never just be loving and kind and accepting and rational with you, because that isn't who he is. Love is a concrete thing with a very specific definition. But people can have very different perspectives when it comes to love. His definition of love is for you to do what it takes to make him happy, while he completely ignores what you need to be happy. If you want to live by his definition, then you have to either accept who he is and forget about your expectations of what a good relationship is, or you have to change up how you react to what he does, and see if that changes the patterns in your relationship. For instance, if he goes silent, instead of crying or begging, you just walk up to him and say "I see you aren't talking to me, so I will be back later." Then go out somewhere fun with friends. Have a great time. Let him sulk and have his pity party alone. Come back with a smile on your face. If he still isn't talking, give him a kiss on the forehead and take a nice hot bubble bath with a favorite book. In other words - don't play into his manipulation. BUT - even if you can get to a point where you can "win" these battles, it still sucks that your relationship has to be a war zone. It would be so much better to be with someone who accepts you, cares about your needs, and is gentle and kind to you. It is up to you what you want to accept in this life. But if this is the "love" you are accepting, then you have to accept him for who he is, and accept all his flaws and issues. And you have to learn how to be happy no matter what he does. 3
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Ptero is right. He probably doesn't know that he doesn't love you as he has a skewed mentality about love. Don't cry sweets. xx You just haven't before been in a controlling type of relationship. I hadn't either until I was 43 and the RS was only 7 months long. It is the weirdest scenario ever and leaves you with only unanswered questions. The good news is you see his behaviour as odd and that you shouldn't have to deal with it. It is simply ridiculous and all 'me me me' on his part. ...except for the grand gestures..of course..those which he wants but they don't actually interest you... Get some reading done on controlling/abusive relationships and on narcissistic behaviours. PM me if you would like some reading fodder - as in books from Amazon. One which is a good place to begin is The jealousy Game by Mandy White (free on Kindle) and a short but 'hit you in the face and make you realise' kind of a read. Being with someone is nice - if it's fun. Being single without hassle like this is a world of so much better. 2
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