tryintogetoverit Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Been reading some of the posts on here… Some people have been giving some great advice, so I thought I'd ask for some myself if that's ok? This may take a while to read though… Anyhow, I was in a relationship with a girl for 7 years. The last 3 years of it she left the UK and went back to the US due to her visa running out, so we continued as an LDR with no real problems at the start. About 18 months ago we agreed that she would come over, see how things go and then look at eventually tying the knot. She then started having doubts, and then that's when things took a turn for the worse…I compromised and said I'd move out there if she was unsure about relocating, and that seemed to sort things out, until it all broke down… as a result, I stayed in the UK. I might add that she kept putting off getting her Visa sorted as well - normally she's quite laid back about these things, but I guess I should have seen that coming. Anyway, she asked for space around October 2013. Being both our first proper relationship, I didn't really handle that too well, and made some of the rookie mistakes - I tried to give space but clearly didn't give enough of it, which annoyed her… In the meantime, some personal stuff happened - my father became ill, my job was unstable (I'm self employed), and was becoming depressed. Even though she asked for space, she told me she'd be there for me if I ever needed to talk…. Well, the times I needed to talk, she kept brushing me off and ignoring me, going to the extent of shouting at me. In hindsight, I should have really just gone full NC and tried to deal with things myself, but the fact she kept saying she loved me, and would be there for me was just confusing. Come early 2014, I finally gave her 6 weeks of NC. She said she wanted to start seeing other people - a statement which she then later retracted and said she didn't mean it…whether she saw anyone on that break is anyone's guess - she denied it, but I have my doubts… We still tried to work things out over the next couple of months, but for the most part, I'm always the one initiating contact, and she had a habit of letting me down when we set a date to skype. All the time saying she cares about me, but didn't feel the urge to put in any effort. After much arguing, It got the point where I finally admitted defeat (after she randomly decided to block me), and we agreed to just try and be friends… That worked well from June through to August, until she reverted back to her old ways of ignoring me, and relying on me having to chase her… All the while she's apologising and saying she never meant to hurt me? Weird. All this time, I was still set on relocating due to work in the US (I'm a musician). Come September/October, she starts saying that she can't be amicable, and she can't give me what I want (i.e. friendship), but then turns around halfway through the conversation and tells me we are amicable (what?), and then starts blaming me for wanted "too much interaction". Perhaps that might have been the case, but I was always respectful in that sense - I learned not to be too needy… Anyhow, she stops putting in the effort full stop, gives a bunch of excuses, and by then I've lost my temper and written an angry email telling her that's it, I'm done. Come December, I made contact out of courtesy (my mistake) to see if she wanted me to post back a few items that left at mine over the years…I did ask for an explanation for her actions - why she kept going hot and cold, why she made false promises about helping me out if I was going to relocate for work, and why she couldn't make the effort to be amicable. We have a similar social circle out in the US, and it would make sense for us to be cool with each other. The only reply I got was a "Merry Xmas" text. Wanting to get closure, I decided F*** it, I'm going to get this over and done with, and proceeded to confront her. After much pushing, she finally admittedly that she's seeing someone (a friend which developed into something. She said that us keeping in contact was causing problems… Which then changed to "actually, I started seeing this person after I cut contact, and trying to remain friends prior to that was a strain". She's slept with him, etc etc. I pointed out that there must have been some kind of interest/chemistry prior to her hooking up with this guy, and basically told her you should have just been honest from the start, rather than give me a bunch of fleeting excuses. After an argument, where it got heated and I stupidly insulted her, she's blocked my number. I've taken it upon me to delete her number, unfriend her on facebook, instagram, etc. The only thing I did was send an email apologising, but making it clear I wasn't happy with being kept in the dark, along with the mixed signals and the general feeling of being led on for the past year, and also pointed out that if she was honest from the start, it wouldn't have gotten so ugly….I wished her well and that's it. She mentioned in the past she kind of had a fear of missing out and seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. I get the impression that this was the real reason all along, and that she never had the intention of moving over here back in 2013. I might also add that her family has a long habit of walking away from relationships and cutting people off. her brother did it to his wife and child over in the UK.. he's now back in the US. I fell pretty stupid for allowing myself to be led on, and perhaps if I acted differently, maybe things wouldn't have ended so badly? But then I look back and feel like I was the one who was messed about. Anyhow - my question to you guys is how do I get over such a long, nasty breakup? I'm in the position where I just constantly feel a mixture of sadness and anger - I'd like to move on. It just hurts knowing that my ex is happy with this other guy, and as juvenile as it sounds, I feel that after the way she treated me, she really doesn't deserve it… Life isn't fair, I know that, but it just sucks, and it's eating away at me. I'm finding it almost impossible to forgive her though. Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out my system though.
Holmes85 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Tryingtogetoverit, Couple of things About 18 months ago we agreed that she would come over, see how things go and then look at eventually tying the knot. She then started having doubts, and then that's when things took a turn for the worseWhen you mentioned tying the knot to her, she came to realize "is this it for me? or can I do better than this" she asked for spaceShe wanted to explore other opportunities (or took a great interest in someone else), doesn't matter which one, the result in the end is the same. she kept brushing me off and ignoring me, going to the extent of shouting at me. In hindsight, I should have really just gone full NC and tried to deal with things myself, but the fact she kept saying she loved me, and would be there for me was just confusing.The guy she is interested in, is giving her mixed signals, hence the hot and cold behavior with you. Don't want you to completely go away till it's a sure deal with him. She said she wanted to start seeing other people She was seeing this romantic interest way before she told you this. Come September/October, she starts saying that she can't be amicable, and she can't give me what I want (i.e. friendship)Remember the romantic interest that I've been mentioning, she is secure with him now, he has given her the green signal and she has given you the boot. She mentioned in the past she kind of had a fear of missing out and seeing if the grass is greener on the other sideThe grass is never greener on the other side, it's just different grass and sometimes even worse than the ones they left. The problem with this kind of mentality is, the grass is never going to be greener, every grass is going to look fresh and new in the early honeymoon stage. I might also add that her family has a long habit of walking away from relationships and cutting people off.I don't think she has a healthy person to look on to in the family. Now you asked how do you move on? It's rather simple, but very difficult in the beginning, but you would make it. 1. Delete her off from everywhere. Unfriend her from social networking sites, pictures and all the other stuff, put it somewhere not easily accessed (or just delete them). 2. Don't sit around the home and sulk because you would only be rewinding everything in your head over & over again, instead go out, have a walk for 30 minutes to get some fresh air, set some new goals / hobbies. Take the time for yourself since you are single, you can take this time to improve yourself. 3. Do not respond to her texts, she hurt you emotionally, don't give her the time of your day, unless she wants something to do with reconciliation (if you are still interested that is). If you must reply give short replies, if she asks you how come you aren't talking to me like you used you, you keep your cool and say "you broke up with me, it's for the best that we don't talk with each other anymore" basically wish her well and don't initate contact ever, don't wish her happy birthdays, don't wish her merry christmas, don't wish her new year, wishing her anything doesn't make your situation better. By the time her exploration with her new fling is done, you would be far away from this mess and with all the new improvements you have made, who knows you might have upgraded from her to something better (which in a retrospect will make her regret big time, but it won't be your problem by then).
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