Does someone's dating resume/experience matter to women?

[E-Squared]

Being a guy who is 28 and lacks some dating experience, not to mention sexual experience, I wonder if it is a deal breaker among women for someone who has not dated much in his lifetime.

 

It seems to be in the norm for most people to start dating in their teens, and by their 20s to have had a list of exes or at least one of them having lasted more than six months.

 

My longest relationship lasted only two months. She is practically the only girl who I can say is an ex. The rest were just "one date" women or mainly in the "talking" stages. Last year, I was in the "talking" stage mostly, though we really liked each other and went on a few dates, but we never made anything official like me calling her my GF or her calling me her BF. She called it off before anything got official, mostly because of her problems.

 

However, I can very well say that I don't meet women a lot and while I have accounts on dating sites, I don't always send women messages, and when I do, I mostly get no response and sometimes I will get the vague and short messages that don't make conversation.

 

As for bedroom stuff, I never really got too far where our clothes came off, so I don't have much to add about that. Not to mention that when I am in a group and sex comes up, I just stay quiet or leave because I have nothing too add, and I must add that talking about sex with other people makes me uncomfortable.

 

So does experience matter?

[Jono85]

Being a guy who is 28 and lacks some dating experience, not to mention sexual experience, I wonder if it is a deal breaker among women for someone who has not dated much in his lifetime.

 

It seems to be in the norm for most people to start dating in their teens, and by their 20s to have had a list of exes or at least one of them having lasted more than six months.

 

My longest relationship lasted only two months. She is practically the only girl who I can say is an ex. The rest were just "one date" women or mainly in the "talking" stages. Last year, I was in the "talking" stage mostly, though we really liked each other and went on a few dates, but we never made anything official like me calling her my GF or her calling me her BF. She called it off before anything got official, mostly because of her problems.

 

However, I can very well say that I don't meet women a lot and while I have accounts on dating sites, I don't always send women messages, and when I do, I mostly get no response and sometimes I will get the vague and short messages that don't make conversation.

 

As for bedroom stuff, I never really got too far where our clothes came off, so I don't have much to add about that. Not to mention that when I am in a group and sex comes up, I just stay quiet or leave because I have nothing too add, and I must add that talking about sex with other people makes me uncomfortable.

 

So does experience matter?

 

there are no absolute answers, it won't matter to some, and will matter to probably a lot.

 

just like anything in life, girls would "prefer" a man who's in demand (whether they will admit this, is another story). that would mean a man who attracts girls and has had sexual/relationship experience.

 

that being said, i'm in a similar boat, but not to the same extreme. i've had 3 serious relationships in my life, and I'm 29, and none of them lasted 2 years. my sexual experience is limited and a lot of it has come from casual drunken hookups, ie. not really gaining a whole lot of experience there. i don't think it's the end of the world. BUT, there's been girls I dated recently where I didn't "perform" well, and was probably because of my lack of confidence/experience and I was nervous, and I'm pretty sure that had to do with their sudden lack of interest in continuing things lol.

 

so it will matter for a lot of girls, but there will undoubtedly be some that it won't matter to. it will sort itself out though, as the ones it will matter to, you obviously won't enter into relationships with.

[preraph]

Not most women, but a lack of confidence does.

[Toodaloo]

So does experience matter?

 

Only if you make a bit thing of it.

 

Your past is your own. You don't need to bring it up.

 

I would advise against bringing up that you are a virgin as it actually puts pressure on the other person. Just go with the flow. The first time with anyone is always useless anyway regardless of how many people you have or have not slept with, as everyone is different and has different preferences in the bedroom.

 

My advice to you is read as many books as possible that are INFORMATIVE about the female body and how to please a female. I have been told that "The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus" is very helpful (I have the one on fellatio and it has been fantastic). If you are informed you will have a good idea of what to do. Probably more so than guys who have just fumbled about. Gives you the upper hand and confidence if you already know what to do even if you have not actually done it.

 

Second bit of advice is just be yourself. If you feel uncomfortable walk away. If you feel comfortable stay. But do not ever change into something you think women in general might want. You have plenty of time so don't think that you have to rush anything.

 

Third bit of advice is talk to as many women as you can. Get into practice and chat to all women you meet about stupid every day stuff. Oh whats that bottle of wine you have in your basket is it a good one? I am trying to make stuffed mushrooms for supper any tips? You can make a conversation out of anything. AND you never know where it may lead!!

 

Good luck

[E-Squared]

I remember reading some threads in the past about how some women feel that if a guy has a number of exes, then there must be something desirable and appealing about him. If not, some women may have this thought in their heads about how if a woman never saw anything appealing about this guy, then why should they?

 

That is what I read, anyway.

[me85]

Players play. It's rare for a man or a woman who have pasts of cheating or dating A LOT to commit to one person for the rest of their life. I do pick up on those things early on and weigh whether or not I am willing to take the risk when I know I'll eventually get hurt. The old me dove in head first. I will never take those risks again. Because it hurts more and more in the end every time I do.

[welshbambi]

It really depends on the woman. Sex is really important to me, so I wouldn't want someone that was too nervous about that subject. My best friend, on the other hand, is really not bothered about it and I think her husband had only had one sexual partner before her.

 

You may be lucky and find a woman who actually sees your lack of experience as enticing - a project to work on! If you feel the mood is right, you might actually want to spin it as a bit of a quirk of yours rather than a downfall. Make it a light hearted almost humourous topic so that you are being honest about your lack of experience, but not conveying that you are hung up about it. Girls love a guy who can see the funny in any situation and someone who is totally comfortable with who he is.

 

Definitely read up on the female form and how to be a good lover generally. Some guys think this means being able to bend a girl into pretzels and going at it for hours. That's really not the case. Give me a man who understands passion, kissing deeply and grabbing my butt because I am just too sexy over the guy who thinks he needs to put on a performance worthy of a porn grammy or something.

 

FYI if a guy has slept with a lot of girls, or had a lot of girlfriends, like me85 I would find that off putting. He is more likely to see women as dispensible and it would be likely I fall into that category eventually.

[Danda]

Eh. It boils to cynicism vs optimism if they have an opinion on it, I think.

 

Several past relationships =

1. Person was in high demand because they're awesome

OR

2. Person is needy and insecure, or a playah

 

Few or no past relationships =

1. Person who is clearly undesirable or else they'd have more exes

OR

2. Person is who is selective and knows what they want, or had other priorities like a tough degree

 

I think what you want to aim for is a person who actually asks you for your story because they know there are several possibilities, and so don't assume blanket things about you.

[Gloria25]

Eh. It boils to cynicism vs optimism if they have an opinion on it, I think.

 

Several past relationships =

1. Person was in high demand because they're awesome

OR

2. Person is needy and insecure, or a playah

 

Few or no past relationships =

1. Person who is clearly undesirable or else they'd have more exes

OR

2. Person is who is selective and knows what they want, or had other priorities like a tough degree

 

I think what you want to aim for is a person who actually asks you for your story because they know there are several possibilities, and so don't assume blanket things about you.

 

Agreed....

 

Some people have a string of exes and/or bedmates and suck in the bedroom.

 

Also, like preraph said, "confidence"...I can work with someone who is an "apt pupil". As long as you display a willingness to learn, we can have fun exploring ourselves in the bedroom.

[todreaminblue]

communication matters....an open and accepting mind matter..honesty matters....with all things including sex.....beign able to discuss it with maturity i salso important.....not go ick sex nah dotn want to talk about it.....to me and for me sexual experience isnt a requirement...i am confident enough that i would teach a guy who cared about me how to have fun and what sex the dreaded soppy making love means to me and to discover what turns a guy on is easy for me to talk about....if i feel he is an honest and open person.it si easy for me to steer the coversation..guarded ..is difficult... a sense of discovery is a good thing for a guy with limited sexual experience.....so is actual respect for me....most limited experience guys.....havent had a problem being with me...if they know my heart ...they have no worries....i am not judgemental...all women differ in what they require......to go forward in dating..deb

[d0nnivain]

If you are otherwise a good guy -- intelligent, interesting, attractive (all of which are subjective) -- experience only matters if you wear your lack of it on your sleeve.

 

 

Just be yourself. Eventually you should be able to make a connection.

 

 

Compared to my husband I was a wild child. I dated A LOT in college; I was like a kid in a candy store. My sorority sisters joked that my idea of a double date was having lunch with one guy & dinner with another. Post grad I was a serial monogamist I had 2 relationships of about 2 years, one 12 year run & another 2+ year relationship with a smattering of dates in between. My husband had a HS GF, a few dates while he was in the Marines, an almost fiancé (she broke up with him the night he was going to propose) and a few (like maybe 5) dates over the course of the next 10 years. The almost FI really hurt him. I didn't know any of that when we 1st started dating & when we met based solely on his looks, I thought he was a Player.

 

 

The past doesn't matter as much as you think it does. You are putting emphasis on it because it's something that you see as a negative. Instead focus on your connection with the person here & now.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Not most women, but a lack of confidence does.

 

I think this sums it up for most women.

 

As usual you can't paint all women with the same paint brush. There will always be women who are VERY picky about a man's dating and sexual resume while other women see it as just one piece of the big picture puzzle.

 

Personally speaking, I think most women will be more turned off by a man's lack of confidence then his actual dating resume.

 

And one shouldn't confuse confidence with arrogance. One is sexy while the other is not.

[StanMusial]

Go out and get some strange this weekend.

[E-Squared]

I think this sums it up for most women.

 

As usual you can't paint all women with the same paint brush. There will always be women who are VERY picky about a man's dating and sexual resume while other women see it as just one piece of the big picture puzzle.

 

Personally speaking, I think most women will be more turned off by a man's lack of confidence then his actual dating resume.

 

And one shouldn't confuse confidence with arrogance. One is sexy while the other is not.

People always talk about how confidence is this thing that makes women cream. I can be confident about passing a test or doing well in writing a story, but it doesn't attract women.

[d0nnivain]

People always talk about how confidence is this thing that makes women cream. I can be confident about passing a test or doing well in writing a story, but it doesn't attract women.

 

 

Think about how you feel when you do these intellectual things well. Now try to channel that feeling simply walking down the street.

[Jono85]

People always talk about how confidence is this thing that makes women cream. I can be confident about passing a test or doing well in writing a story, but it doesn't attract women.

 

the problem, and what i touched on in my post with a lack of dating/sexual experience being a problem, is this experience BUILDS confidence. you can be confident passing that test or writing a story because your experiences and successes doing so have given you confidence.

 

everyone can fake confidence to a degree, but it's much harder, and more fragile.

 

also, those confidences you speak of, are not really areas where confidence is attractive to women, imo. sure women enjoy confidence in men in many areas (ie. not just sexual/dealing with women) but i don't think test taking or story writing generally speaking is going to arouse too many girls. things like confidence speaking to people or in groups, confidence in mannerisms or actions/decisions, confidence in your future success, confidence when in a position of authority, confidence in a sport...i think these areas are more observable. not saying success taking tests/writing stories is not important.

 

my advice is NOT to mention your lack of experience in early dating stages. if asked, i would just say something like "i prefer not to discuss exes/past relationships and am focused on the present" or "i keep sexual talk reserved for girlfriends" or something. when you connect more with a girl and feel more comfortable with her and when she's more invested in you, you can then choose to share your lack of experience if you wish.

[E-Squared]

I am going to tell you people now that I absolutely DETEST being asked if I am a virgin. I remember in the past, I had been defensive when asked that, especially with women who I was talking to at that point. I usually get defensive because I had been made fun of for it in the past. I pretty much went off on that girl who gave me crap for it.

[GravityMan]

Self-confidence, having a life (in terms of direction, passions and fun stuff), willingness to live a little, honesty, empathy, backbone, wit, humor, charm, spontaneity...those are the things that tend to really matter.

 

The VAST majority of young men in their early 20s and up who possess the above things are going to have had prior dating and relationship experience. After all, those things tend to play a huge role in making a person an attractive human being and a pleasant person for others to want to spend time with.

 

The most important things are to be comfortable with being yourself, to have a life and value that, to get out there and interact with society and to not overthink stuff. The good connections will eventually come. Worrying too much about your lack of experience is just going to send you spiraling and swirling down the whirlpool of despair.

[E-Squared]

Just out of curiosity, do any of you recommend me going to a call girl for a little practice before the real thing?

[AVarma]

Dude relax. I'm 28 and I've never been on a date, kissed a girl, or had sex. The fact that you've been on dates means you're much further ahead than you think you are.

 

Just out of curiosity, do any of you recommend me going to a call girl for a little practice before the real thing?

 

Click on my profile and find my escort thread. Ton of information.

 

For me personally the escort route is mostly a last resort and a desperate one at that. What I would really like is for the woman to take it slow and I guess guide me, if that makes any sense. I think it would incredibly intimate to tell a woman you're a virgin and have her show you the ropes so to speak but it seems like many posters here on LS think that puts too much pressure on her so I don't know.

 

Not most women, but a lack of confidence does.

 

But what if he's confident in general but a bit insecure about his inexperience? I mean if you were to see me with a bunch of guys you'd think I was pretty confident. I can even talk casually to girls. But if it were to come to kissing or sex I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be a bit nervous or insecure. I mean we all have our insecurities right? At what point does it become a turn-off?

Edited January 10, 2015 by AVarma

[Ebelskiver]

I personally would not want to bed a virgin. While I will teach a guy what I like and bring him up to speed on my kinks, I prefer that he already have the language. But sexually I'm submissive and I like a man who can take charge and knows what he wants. Probably my single biggest turn-off is an inexperienced man with no self-confidence in the bedroom. To that end I see absolutely NO problem in visiting a caring escort for a while to get you up to speed. Someone who can really teach you the ropes in how to pleasure a woman. The confidence from learning how to do that, not to mention just getting your rocks off, will bleed over into the rest of your life.....making you more attractive in general. It's a positive feedback loop.

 

Also, take an assertive communication class. I knew someone who was meek and mealy and always apologizing for everything. He took an assertive communication class and actually used what he was taught......suddenly he was sexy! The whole way he presented himself just changed, for the better. He no longer came across as a wishy-washy pushover. He was able to clearly state his wants and needs and it was immensely attractive.....it paraded as confidence. And I don't think his confidence level had changed, at least not initially....he was just able to fake it. Which was the same thing.

[Ebelskiver]

Also, maybe see a stylist. Women are visual as well and you want to be sure that your style reflects who you are while putting your best foot forward. Most guys are rather clueless about this anyway. The guy I'm currently seeing is a HUGE nerd, and physically isn't super attractive (I do find him attractive but I'm not sure most women would). Oddly enough he's one of the best dressed men I know. He just looks......smart, witty, successful,and yet completely original. All that based on his clothing and grooming. And confident. Clothes really do make the man. And it's not all business attire. He'll wear some dark jeans, a sweet shirt, some really killer shoes and a casual jacket, but it looks good. As far as increasing your confidence knowing that you look good and are good in bed (previous post re:escort) will go a loooong way.

[E-Squared]

not to mention just getting your rocks off, will bleed over into the rest of your life.....making you more attractive in general. It's a positive feedback loop.

 

I get my rocks off with my right hand a lot, as well doing threesomes with my left as well.

[AVarma]

I get my rocks off with my right hand a lot, as well doing threesomes with my left as well.

 

Wow... how is this even remotely relevant?

[E-Squared]

Wow... how is this even remotely relevant?

It isn't. I just said it to throw off that one woman who I quoted.

 

Overall, my lack of experience has SOMEWHAT to do with shyness, but a lot of the time it has to do with the fact that I just do my own thing and I don't always have much of a drive to meet women. Personally, I see attractive women everywhere I go. I acknowledge their attractiveness, but that doesn't mean that I am attracted to them.

Edited January 12, 2015 by E-Squared