Grevensteiner Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I have a gf for about half a year, she says she loves me, won't cheat on me etc, but I still got these insecurities, and I'm jelous. Do all relationships really look like that? She didn't really give me any serious reasons to have insecurities during out relationship. Until yesterday evening, when she told me she moves out of her parents' house, and moves into her good friend's home. He's gonna help her with bills, so she can keep going to university, and work a bit. I mean, what the heck, even though she tells me she knows how I feel, and that he's just a friend, and nothing is between them, I feel pretty bad, as I don't have enough money to get us a house in our city. If it wasn't enough, sometimes she goes out to smoke weed, she was addicted a long time ago. When she does that, there's actually no contact with her for 2-3 hours, and then she comes back home, calls me, and tells she's sorry. Quite often she does that with a friend, whom I described above. So I mean, I can keep meeting her everyday, or every second day at least, behave normally, but I feel like she could cheat on me one day. Is it normal, or should I work on removing those insecurities? Thanks!
regine_phalange Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I would feel very insecure and annoyed too. I don't know if we're normal. But who cares about normal, you feel the way you feel, is there a way to unfeel things just because you choose to?
HVW_Mark Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Yeh, sounds like your issue mate. She's done nothing to deserve your distrust from what I can tell. If your girl tells you he's just a friend, he's just a friend. If you don't believe her, she shouldnt still be your girl. Trust is the biggest thing you have. If you dont have it and she hasn't given you a reason not too, it's 100% on you to work on yourself and fix it. Become a better person by using some of those insecurities as fuel to push yourself forwards in life. If she likes weed occasionally, and that makes her feel good, try to be positive about her and be happy for the fact that your girlfriend is feeling good. If you can't handle it, or if you're super anti-weed for whatever reason, have a chat to her about it, but be aware she may not want to change, and you might have to find someone more like you 2
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You think she will eventually cheat because if you were put in the same situation YOU would be tempted to cheat. We often accuse others of what we would do, or what we have done already is same situation. My daughter has always had male room-mates and it was never an issue with her boyfriend. Room-mates don't live like a family live together, they don't sit and eat together, they don't watch movies together, or don't entertain themselves with long conversation. They're in and out on their own schedule and live their own life. 1
hoping2heal Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I have a gf for about half a year, she says she loves me, won't cheat on me etc, but I still got these insecurities, and I'm jelous. Do all relationships really look like that? She didn't really give me any serious reasons to have insecurities during out relationship. Until yesterday evening, when she told me she moves out of her parents' house, and moves into her good friend's home. He's gonna help her with bills, so she can keep going to university, and work a bit. I mean, what the heck, even though she tells me she knows how I feel, and that he's just a friend, and nothing is between them, I feel pretty bad, as I don't have enough money to get us a house in our city. If it wasn't enough, sometimes she goes out to smoke weed, she was addicted a long time ago. When she does that, there's actually no contact with her for 2-3 hours, and then she comes back home, calls me, and tells she's sorry. Quite often she does that with a friend, whom I described above. So I mean, I can keep meeting her everyday, or every second day at least, behave normally, but I feel like she could cheat on me one day. Is it normal, or should I work on removing those insecurities? Thanks! Why on earth would this "just friend" move her into his home and pay her bills? Or really, why would she accept his offer? This is fishy 1
Hopes Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I saaaid yoooouuu, got whaaat I neeeeeed, but you say he just a friend, you say he just friend. I suggest you check out "Just a friend" if you guys think that when a girl says "He's just a friend", that she means it. The problem is, not all girls are like that as well. HOWEVER, I would say, one problem for me is the guy is helping her out financially, and many many men that I know, do not just help girls out with money without hopes for some sort of compensation. I know that I would help out a friend with money, but only if they intend to pay me back. I think it that it is a situation that has the potential to break hearts. As far as smoking pot, man lay off on that, it isn't such a bad thing. Plus, being high lasts for a couple hours, and when I am hanging out with a friend, I'm not trying to stay in contact with other people. So 2-3 hours out of contact?? OMG!!! NO WAY. That you are overreacting on. Living with a guy who is paying her bills is a bit strange. Though, if you get all possessive, insecure, and controlling, it won't make things any better. The only thing you can do is tell her once that it makes you uncomfortable, that you are worried about her friends expectations for helping her out financially, and that you just care about her. Then pay attention to things, how he behaves, etc... Try to make friends with him. I know a lot of guys who will sleep with a girl in a relationship, but wouldn't dream of sleeping with their friend's gf.
Raena Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You think she will eventually cheat because if you were put in the same situation YOU would be tempted to cheat. We often accuse others of what we would do, or what we have done already is same situation. My daughter has always had male room-mates and it was never an issue with her boyfriend. Room-mates don't live like a family live together, they don't sit and eat together, they don't watch movies together, or don't entertain themselves with long conversation. They're in and out on their own schedule and live their own life. That's not always true.... roommates sometimes DO sit together and eat and talk and do stuff together. It depends on the roommate situation. If this guy is a friend of hers, than yeah, she probably will hang out with him occasionally. I had a male roommate once who was one of my closest friends. We did stuff together all the time but it was never an issue for my boyfriend because he trusted me. OP... your insecurities sound like they are coming from within you. But, if your gut is telling you that you feel like something isn't right, you may be on to something. All you can really do is make sure you openly talk to her and trust her until she actually does something to make you know differently. 1
kendahke Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I have a gf for about half a year, she says she loves me, won't cheat on me etc, but I still got these insecurities, and I'm jelous. Do all relationships really look like that? No. Only relationships where someone needs to do a whole lot of work on their emotions before getting into a relationship. She didn't really give me any serious reasons to have insecurities during out relationship. Until yesterday evening, when she told me she moves out of her parents' house, and moves into her good friend's home. He's gonna help her with bills, so she can keep going to university, and work a bit. I mean, what the heck, even though she tells me she knows how I feel, and that he's just a friend, and nothing is between them, I feel pretty bad, as I don't have enough money to get us a house in our city. If it wasn't enough, sometimes she goes out to smoke weed, she was addicted a long time ago. When she does that, there's actually no contact with her for 2-3 hours, and then she comes back home, calls me, and tells she's sorry. Quite often she does that with a friend, whom I described above. So I mean, I can keep meeting her everyday, or every second day at least, behave normally, but I feel like she could cheat on me one day. Is it normal, or should I work on removing those insecurities? Thanks! Yes you should work on those insecurities. Why can't she remain at her parent's place and attend school and work? I"m also curious as to why you're not in a position to get your own place? Are you living with your parents? Do you work? Go to school? What is really your driving reason for wanting to get a house for her? Here is the brutal truth about why she may being doing what she's doing: Her friend isn't going to make her quit smoking MJ like you would if she lived with you, so that's probably why she's moving in over there instead of staying at her parent's house or waiting until you can afford to split the rent on an apartment. Yeah, she could cheat on you one day. There is always that possibility just like there is the possibility that she won't cheat. One thing is for certain: she's going to eventually get tired of having to carry the burden of your insecurities if you don't find some way to deal with them. If that means you break up with her in order to get your head straightened out, then do it. Here's the thing: there is nothing you can do to stop her from cheating if that is her intent. If you feel this is the kind of person she is, then look to why it is you are with someone that you think would make cheating her intention. However, if cheating is not in her realm of thought, she's going to get really sick and tired, really fast, of your accusations.
GemmaUK Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If someone is going to cheat they will just cheat. She's not doing anything wrong. Personally I don't do drugs but if I am out with friends then I won't be in text contact with a partner as I am out having time for me or busy doing something. Same in reverse and I won't text him nor expect texts when he is out or busy/whatever. You mention her smoking but clearly that hasn't caused you jealousy before now if what you have posted is true. If all has been good so far then trust her. If you think that you cannot handle her having her life right now then end it. If you go insecure on her she will likely end it. If you think you will become insecure about other things then end it asap. I have my own place and have had several lodgers. My last ex didn't like when I said I was considering a lodger at one point but that I had no issue over whether the lodger was male or female and he went ballistic that I might have a male lodger! It was absolutely ridiculous! I have in the past had 7 lodgers - 5 were male, 2 were female - it was a business arrangement with a contract - nothing more.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 He's gonna help her with bills If it wasn't enough, sometimes she goes out to smoke weed, she was addicted a long time ago. When she does that, there's actually no contact with her for 2-3 hours, and then she comes back home, calls me, and tells she's sorry. Quite often she does that with a friend, whom I described above. She's moving with him so they can consolidate their funds, and be able to spend more money on getting high. Also potheads are very passive aggressive.
Author Grevensteiner Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 So what do I do? If I tell her to stop smoking weed and not moving to him, she will surely get angry, and tell me I'm controlling her. So should I let go of these insecurities, and just let it happen?
mammasita Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 WTF? Why does everyone think its ok for someone in a relationship to move in with someone of the opposite sex that's NOT their SO?
Author Grevensteiner Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I need some quick advice. I have a possibility to lend a house in my city, but it's gonna cost me 50% of my salary. And she most probably won't pay half the price I do. The question is - should I lend a house with her? She's living with her friend now. They only have one bed, and one sofa. She said sleeping with him without touching is perfectly ok for her. She also said she doesn't want a relationship with me cause she doesnt trust me. Also that she doesn't have any "wrong behaviors" with others, but haven't said anything about will not having. I would do that only because I don't wanna loose her. Otherwise I wouldn't do it. Can you look at it obejtively? Thanks!
kendahke Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 So what do I do? If I tell her to stop smoking weed and not moving to him, she will surely get angry, and tell me I'm controlling her. So should I let go of these insecurities, and just let it happen? No. You should stop dealing with her and find someone who doesn't smoke weed and their living situation is not so bloody messy.
kendahke Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I need some quick advice. I have a possibility to lend a house in my city, but it's gonna cost me 50% of my salary. And she most probably won't pay half the price I do. The question is - should I lend a house with her? NO! Do not sign any lease for any place that will take half your money--you may end up paying for the place by yourself. Signing a legal document only because you want to keep control over someone is a really, REALLY bad idea. She's living with her friend now. They only have one bed, and one sofa. She said sleeping with him without touching is perfectly ok for her. She also said she doesn't want a relationship with me cause she doesnt trust me. Also that she doesn't have any "wrong behaviors" with others, but haven't said anything about will not having. They're sleeping in the same bed? They're having sex. Sorry, but that's the truth of the matter. It's time for you to cut her loose. Seriously. She doesn't want a relationship with you. It's over, my dear. I'm curious, though, as to why she says she can't trust you? She's still going to go smoke weed and be incommunicado for hours to days at a time and then flip it all back on you as if it's all your fault. Yes, you do need to go find some help with your insecurities, but a huge part of that is the fact that you're trying to keep control over someone who really isn't that into you like you wished she was. It may be your neediness and desperation that's turning her off, but honestly, how you're behaving is bringing about exactly what you don't want to happen. I would do that only because I don't wanna loose her. Otherwise I wouldn't do it. Can you look at it obejtively? Thanks!That's the beauty of all of us--we cannot look at it any other way but objectively.
bachdude Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I need some quick advice. I have a possibility to lend a house in my city, but it's gonna cost me 50% of my salary. And she most probably won't pay half the price I do. The question is - should I lend a house with her? She's living with her friend now. They only have one bed, and one sofa. She said sleeping with him without touching is perfectly ok for her. She also said she doesn't want a relationship with me cause she doesnt trust me. Also that she doesn't have any "wrong behaviors" with others, but haven't said anything about will not having. I would do that only because I don't wanna loose her. Otherwise I wouldn't do it. Can you look at it obejtively? Thanks! You don't wanna lose a girl that is sleeping in the same bed with another guy every night? I don't think your insecurities are as much of an issue as your self esteem. Why would you want a GF that treats you like this anyway?
SycamoreCircle Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I can't believe the advice from some posters. This is your issue? She's done nothing wrong? Next your gf will tell you that this guy putting his ***k in her **** doesn't mean anything untoward. It's time for you to be full blown NC on this nutjob. Sever all ties and move on. I'm sorry.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 It's not about them living together. It's not even about the bed. It's about the drugs. As you said, much of this living situation is driven by her desire to use drugs without your being around to nag. This guy enables her. She and this guy may not be dating---honestly, I'm inclined to think they really are more interested in getting high than having sex---but they're in this lifestyle together. Unfortunately that lifestyle involves being in altered mental states and that is not going to make you feel more secure. I'm not against the use of marijuana at all. But it doesn't sound like she's using pot in a responsible way, especially not if she's moving in with a guy on such a tight budget they can't even afford separate beds. And this relationship can't go anywhere so long as she keeps putting drugs ahead of you.
Author Grevensteiner Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Is this healthy to keep behaving normaly, and keep meeting with her like always, knowing that she spends MUCH more time with him, and being anxious that she can one day fall in love with him?
kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Is this healthy to keep behaving normaly, and keep meeting with her like always, knowing that she spends MUCH more time with him, and being anxious that she can one day fall in love with him? No. It's telling her that you have no boundaries and that you will let her treat you any way she wishes. If she does fall in love with him, there's nothing you can do about it. You are too hung up on things you can't control. You cannot make this or any woman do/feel/think/want/say what she already doesn't do/feel/think/want/say. That is life 101. You're both grown and both have a will. If her will is such that she is doing something that she wants to do, despite knowing your feelings on it, then logic says that that is what she will do and how you feel doesn't enter into any of her decision on doing it. Really, s0n, it's time to cut her loose.
kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 She also said she doesn't want a relationship with me cause she doesnt trust me. I'm curious, though, as to why she says she can't trust you? Why does she say she can't trust you?
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