WonderKid Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) This was rather funny to me. I tell women all the time (ones that I am dating) or not even dating seriously, to not go through my phone if they don't want to see anything that'll make them upset. I have nothing to hide. And yes there are other girls in there, but majority of them are girls that are my friends and they stay in different states/cities. My ex kept looking through my phone--kept asking who am I texting and I'd tell her. I assured her nothing was going on between any of us, and I told them I have a GF now and they respect that. She still kept going. She looked at every conversation nearly; even ones with my sister and mom. One day my mom criticized her cooking and other things, once she read that, she stopped looking at my phone. I never looked at hers. Do anyone man/woman look through phones and text messages? Sometimes it's a great thing and other times it's not. How can you tell? Lol *Wrong section but oh well Lol Edited January 8, 2015 by WonderKid
Diezel Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 It never goes that far with me. Even though I have nothing to hide, there's no reason anyone needs to be going through my phone and it stops there. If they don't like it, they can get the hell out of dodge. 7
Emilia Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 To my knowledge, no-one has ever gone through my phone and I would not tolerate anyone scrutinising my messages and conversations with people. I would find that sort of desire for control offputting and I would lose respect for that person. It's never been an issue though. I never checked a guy's phone in my life and some leave it lying around all the time. I have no interest. 3
jezzika Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I have a lot of respect for a person's privacy and expect the same in return. I always make it very clear that my purse, computer and phone are off limits and I have no desire to go through a man's wallet, computer or phone at all. It's a rule for me. If someone can't respect my privacy, I will NOT have them in my life. Period. It's not that I am hiding anything. It's just the principle of the matter. Also, really...if I feel like I have to play detective in any kind of relationship then that's not the relationship for me. It's not worth it. 4
Jono85 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 i've gone through one girls phone, and it was after a year dating her, and respecting her privacy, and never had any urges to until this one time. she was acting very distant, and her words were not matching up with her actions. i did what i did, and found stuff, and that was the end. i don't regret it, b/c it saved me time and possibly further heartbreak. i guess what i'm saying is i don't advocate it ever, unless someone has given you strong reasons to (and that doesn't include PAST people, ie exes, i mean that current person). basically only when you're almost sure somethings going on and are fully prepared that it's over. but you have to be prepared to have that person end things if they find out and you don't find anything lol. but yeah most people will look at a person much differently after finding out they went through your personal stuff (as has happened to me several times, and it definitely got me very upset and hurt the relationship), so i'd advise not to.. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I believed in all this personal privacy stuff until I caught my wife in an affair. It may be different in GF/BF relationships but I believe that once you're committed as a partner with someone in life, there should be complete transparency. At that level, there should be no secrets and no lies. Privacy in a marriage is for the bathroom. 4
TigerCub Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I wouldn't look through a boyfriend's phone - BUT I'd want a boyfriend that would volunteer his password (shows he has nothing to hide) over a guy that's got passwords on everything and is secretive and protective of them. ** and has shifty eyes ** I wouldn't care if a bf wanted my password - I have nothing to hide, but if he were to do it constantly look @ my phone to 'catch' me or out of insecurity, then it's a definite problem.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Very few times have I felt the urge to look through my girls phone, Most of the time, you can tell if something is wrong just from a voice's tone. Actions and words go a lot further in judging interest I'd profess, But some people make damn good liars, frustratingly so I'd confess.
melodymatters Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You know how 99% of people agree with "Don't' do anything you wouldn't want your partner to see" ? Well, self accountability can be difficult ( look at police departments) so simply having an "open phone/open facebook policy" but seldom using it, isn't a bad thing imo. We are so much a unit it's not like it's an issue : we grab each others phones to look something up or use the GPS, our FB's are left open on the computers etc. all of the time. I would NEVER purposely hurt my husband and think cheating is a capital crime, but I think I'm more... aware of my word choices and make sure that I'm not coming across as flirtatious knowing that either my H OR the other party might misinterpret it ! 1
jezzika Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I believed in all this personal privacy stuff until I caught my wife in an affair. It may be different in GF/BF relationships but I believe that once you're committed as a partner with someone in life, there should be complete transparency. At that level, there should be no secrets and no lies. Privacy in a marriage is for the bathroom. Just because there is an expectation of privacy does not mean there are secrets and lies being hidden. Everyone has a right to privacy, married or not. You don't stop being individual human beings just because you are married. I was in the most committed relationship and he invaded my privacy. Of course, he did not find anything at all that was questionable...but I lost all respect for him along with trust and I got out pretty quickly...with no regrets. I will always believe that every individual has a right to their privacy...child, adult, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband...everyone. 1
lizzygirl Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My opinion is not going to be the popular one here, but quite frankly in this day and age, I don't see anything wrong with it. My life is an open book. I understand the need for privacy and I do agree than unless you have given that person something to make them suspicious, constantly looking is insulting. But, if you are in a committed relationship, you are a team now, you should be allowed to look at anything in my life and vice versa. Maybe I've been dumped on too many times and I'm jaded, but I just believe that there are too many avenues one can use to cheat these days. It isn't 1952 anymore. So why not be an open book and show that person, give a little reassurance, that hey, I'm a good person. No worries. You and I are a team and my life is your life. After all, if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. 1
Shepp Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 We are so much a unit it's not like it's an issue : we grab each others phones to look something up or use the GPS, our FB's are left open on the computers etc. all of the time. This^ Its not something thats on my radar. I just dont care, she'll use my phone when hers is charging or to upload photos of the kids or something, i couldnt care less if she wants to flick through my facebook to see endless photos of my friends new harrow or my texts to see me and my brother discussing football or fishing. I doubt she'd be interested. However is she wanted to purposefully check my texts etc. indicating she didn't trust me! That I'd have a problem with!! 2
coolheadal Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My Ex Wife at the time she was the Wife had locked her iPhone. I had known she was hiding things from me. So yeah if your going to hide things you don't want your spouse to know what your up too. They'll locked phone! As for me I don't locked my phone, because I don't have anything to hide! 1
melodymatters Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I'm coming forward to admit that I am a bit of hypocrite. I ABHOR the argument of " If you have nothing to hide you hide nothing" when it comes to government or police power, but subscribe to it 100% in an intimate relationship. If I can play with your balls, I can play with your phone. The gov't and I don't have that kind of relationship.
amaysngrace Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If you can't trust the person you're with why be with them? 1
salparadise Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 They'll locked phone! As for me I don't locked my phone, because I don't have anything to hide! I keep my phone locked and I'm single as can be, not even dating right now. I think it's just good policy. If my phone should be lost or stolen I don't want anyone getting into it. I have a lot of important information in there... passwords, bank account and credit cards, etc. I also keep email and texts indefinitely, and I have phone and contact info for a lot of women that I've met since I've been single, so if I were dating someone and they went through it it would just cause a bunch of senseless worry. I just feel better keeping it secure regardless of the situation. If I was seeing someone and they insisted on having my password I'd see that as a big red flag. 4
Shining One Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My company phone and laptop are locked down and she's not allowed to look in those. My gaming computer is now password protected after a previous girlfriend got malware on it. You're free to access everything else.
MissBee Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I don't go through anyone's phone. I have never gone through a man's phone and have NEVER even thought of it and haven't had one go through mine as far as I know. I've been in relationships, their phone will be on the bed, on the table, lying around and if I wanted to go through it I could but it has truly never dawned on me. Even if it rings or there is some alert and they aren't around, I let it ring and I don't even generally go look at who it is, unless they're expecting a call and stepped away and asked me to get it. If they are across the room and it's ringing I pick it up and hand it to them. The only time I look in their phone is if they are showing me something. 1
MissBee Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My opinion is not going to be the popular one here, but quite frankly in this day and age, I don't see anything wrong with it. My life is an open book. I understand the need for privacy and I do agree than unless you have given that person something to make them suspicious, constantly looking is insulting. But, if you are in a committed relationship, you are a team now, you should be allowed to look at anything in my life and vice versa. Maybe I've been dumped on too many times and I'm jaded, but I just believe that there are too many avenues one can use to cheat these days. It isn't 1952 anymore. So why not be an open book and show that person, give a little reassurance, that hey, I'm a good person. No worries. You and I are a team and my life is your life. After all, if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. Transparency and being an open book are not at odds with privacy. In my relationships I don't hide my phone and take it everywhere with me so a boyfriend cannot go through it, neither have they done that with me. They are transparent and open in that neither of us have anything to hide so are not even thinking about our phones and they lie around on the bed, counter, table, couch, wherever, with no one seeking to hide it or go through it. Transparency and openness exist in that we can live our lives freely without having to hide our phones or without feeling like we need to look through each other's. Like I said, in all my relationships they leave their phones out and about and if I wanted to I could look but it has simply never dawned on me to go through it to look for anything. At the point I feel like looking we already have a problem which needs addressing. 1
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Sometimes people overlook the obvious. If you're doing something sneaky, then simple common sense would tell you not to write it down! I don't understand why this option is never even considered since smartphones. It's crazy. All your texts can be subpoenaed in a divorce or other legal action. If you have a wife or husband who is sensitive, for example, about not liking them talking about anything about you to their friends, even if it's complimentary, then only talk to them in person so you don't piss off your spouse. A friend of mine and I do lunches so we can talk openly. Everything is on record these days. There is no privacy except in person. So can't imagine why cheaters take so many chances and why any couple would create tension between themselves by putting embarrassing or just super private conversation on their phone. I really think if you're committed, you should be able to let each other use your phones and not worry about it. There are times when you don't want but one person reading something very personal, like maybe talking to a girlfriend about a female medical problem and same thing with a man. So it's not like there's never a place for privacy. But if it's sensitive to you, do it in person or in private on a phone. I got really pissed off one time when I messaged (in the old days of online messaging) a friend to ask her something really personal and get advice and she chatted back and then later found out that it was her husband. She hadn't remembered to sign off and he was a jerk and acted like he was her. It was very embarrassing. She didn't think he'd do that. Once I knew that, I didn't message her anymore unless it was something really unpersonal. Another friend of mine let this weird friend of hers have her passwords to her email because he is who keeps her computer running (though why he'd need her email password -- well, he wouldn't, so this is why my antennae went up.). So I wouldn't even email her for several months until she rectified the situation because he'd been trying to talk to me on the phone when I was at her house and I knew he had a creepy side and didn't want any part of it. You have control over all this communication. There's no reason to think everything has to be emailed or texted when a phone call or a get together would be more appropriate and have no potential to offend.
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If you can't trust the person you're with why be with them? I might tend to agree with this except that in my case, my trust in her was completely taken advantage of. I trusted her implicitly (never had a reason not to; we had made vows and all) and it turns out she was sleeping with her boss during mid-day hotel stays for over a year (60-70 of them as far as I could tell). Wouldn't have known if I hadn't snooped. And I wasn't just gonna leave with the lives of a 4- and an 8-year old in the balance over a gut feeling about trust after 18 years of apparent fidelity.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 We are so much a unit it's not like it's an issue : we grab each others phones to look something up or use the GPS, our FB's are left open on the computers etc. all of the time. This I agree with. If my SO was stuck with his phone and wanted to borrow mine to make a call or send a text, I would have no issue with it whatsoever. That's different from his imposing some kind of a rule on me because of his own issues.
Otter2569 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I tell women all the time (ones that I am dating) or not even dating seriously, to not go through my phone if they don't want to see anything that'll make them upset.l I agree with complete openness, honesty and respect but based on your first sentence it sounds like you are antagonizing and challenging them to look. which could create an air of mistrust. Iv'e been on both sides of this: with a woman secretly guarding and hiding her phone like it was made of gold and a mistrusting woman who stood over my should to read and question every incoming message. Good riddance to both of them!!! 1
ktya Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I used to not care and let my partners know my passwords. I dont anymore and simply will not give it to them even if asked. The turning point for me was a gf who thought i was cheating (i wasnt, there wasnt even anything remotely female involved) so she started deep searching my devices, emails, facebook, whatever she could think of and access. She never found any evidence of cheating, save for one undelivered and deleted email to an escort typed in a drunken stupor at 4am when i was staying on my boat alone, it was never even sent. But she did find all sorts of other crap to question me about. Google searches, web pages visited, porn i was looking at, facebook PMs. And by question i would be more accurate to call it interrogation. Next thing i knew she was lighting up her phone telling people she was concerned that i might molest her daughter (i was looking at "teen" porn off pornhub.com, nothing illegal). For me that was it. I changed all my passwords on all my devices to a 10 letter and 4 number super strong password, and ill never give it up again. To her, the loss of access was like coming off crack cocaine. She was always leering trying to see my password. Regularly my blackberry would be at 3/10 attempts when i got up in the morning. I forgot to change my facebook password because i dont really use it and had friends message me asking why i was up at 3 am. She must have been checking my stuff damn near daily. I wasnt cheating and had no other women in my life at all not even female friends and rarely even talk to my sisters. Her collateral "finds" were what really bugged me. How dare you interrogate me about my bloody google searches? Never again, and i wouldnt recommend anyone else let their partner have their device or passwords. If theres a reason to look that cant be solved by asking a question, just save the headache and break up. 1
jezzika Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I used to not care and let my partners know my passwords. I dont anymore and simply will not give it to them even if asked. The turning point for me was a gf who thought i was cheating (i wasnt, there wasnt even anything remotely female involved) so she started deep searching my devices, emails, facebook, whatever she could think of and access. She never found any evidence of cheating, save for one undelivered and deleted email to an escort typed in a drunken stupor at 4am when i was staying on my boat alone, it was never even sent. But she did find all sorts of other crap to question me about. Google searches, web pages visited, porn i was looking at, facebook PMs. And by question i would be more accurate to call it interrogation. Next thing i knew she was lighting up her phone telling people she was concerned that i might molest her daughter (i was looking at "teen" porn off pornhub.com, nothing illegal). For me that was it. I changed all my passwords on all my devices to a 10 letter and 4 number super strong password, and ill never give it up again. To her, the loss of access was like coming off crack cocaine. She was always leering trying to see my password. Regularly my blackberry would be at 3/10 attempts when i got up in the morning. I forgot to change my facebook password because i dont really use it and had friends message me asking why i was up at 3 am. She must have been checking my stuff damn near daily. I wasnt cheating and had no other women in my life at all not even female friends and rarely even talk to my sisters. Her collateral "finds" were what really bugged me. How dare you interrogate me about my bloody google searches? Never again, and i wouldnt recommend anyone else let their partner have their device or passwords. If theres a reason to look that cant be solved by asking a question, just save the headache and break up. THIS! This is what I dealt with except the guy I was with was an IT guy and used brute force to hack into all of my email accounts...even work ones. He did everything just like what you're talking about plus more. He found nothing and I lost all respect and trust in him. The interrogation over google searches made me laugh when I got hit with it. All I could think was that he had lost his damn mind. ...and not once, did he ever ask me a question about anything before doing all of this, most of which was done illegally. 1
Recommended Posts