dreaming4ever Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Ok....I've been with my bf for a year and a half now and we DO compromise on some things but some things he will just REFUSE to compromise on and they drive me nuts. Like, I'm a hopeless romantic type of person.....I absolutely love romance movies and the idea of a guy doing something sweet for the person he loves just because he loves her....yet my bf says to me "don't ever expect me to be romantic"....which to me, doesn't seem very fair. I compromise for him all the time! I'm not expecting him to be some fairytale type bf but he could do SOMETHING don't you think? He's never done anything and when I talk about it with him he says there's no way he's being romantic EVER. Which of course makes me feel like i don't deserve it.....which totally blows. I mean he could do something, even if it's small but he always says "NO!" Also, when we're in the car.....when we're in his car he always gets to listen to his music (we have very different musical tastes).....so then when we're in my car I put on what I want to listen to b/c I'm driving and it's only fair.....but he starts bitching every time saying he doesn't want to listen to what i like b/c it's garbage. And he won't stop bitching until I change it or until we get in a huge argument....How is that fair? He even tried to justify it by saying music is more important to him than to me....which is SO not true. Like, how can someone even say that to anyone? That's so strange...... Also, my bf is completely averse to public displays of affection. I mean, I get that some people feel uncomfortable with them.....but when I dated him a few years ago he was totally fine with them....he LOVED them! And now suddenly he isn't? I don't get it.....honestly, it's ridiculous sometimes. Like today when he couldn't even give me a peck goodbye when he dropped me off at my house b/c his brother was in the car. Isn't that taking it a bit too far? These are just a few things my bf refuses to compromise about...I bet you guys are going to say that I should talk to HIM about these things....but the thing is that I have and he doesn't listen.....he just says I shouldn't expect him to be exactly the person I want...which I don't....but come on....what if the things he's not willing to compromise about really MATTER to u? (ex. romance/PDAs) Any suggestions?
CurlyIam Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 He thinks he can do whatever he wants to do. Boys need to be remembered that actually... they can't DO that. How about leaving the goodie goodie girl home and take the high maintainance b!tch out of the closet? I'm sorry, he's acting like the ultimate jerk, especially with the music and with the affectionate displays in public. So Listen to your music, if he yells, be sure to yell more then he does, if he's being a spoiled brat be more spoiled than he is. He is way too sure of yourself. Hit the gym, put the sexy outfit on and... ignore him! He is dying to be in the center of your attention. How about you refuse him that? And drop a few hints about a few guys that started calling you? That seems to calm guys out! Girl, the second you give in to them, they tend to become real bastards! I think heneeds a little remainder about what being the boss means! Good luck!
very-confused-girl Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 I absolutely agree with CurlyIam. You are too....soft, easily to be influenced. Start to insault his music as well, in absolut confident way without even blink of your eye, it you drive in your car, play your music and ignore what he says about your music. If he says something extremely bad, say something back to him that would shut his mouth right at that second!
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 You compromise by finding a boyfriend who contains your ex in himself (has a dick), but is romantic!
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 ...and Very-Confused-Girl will teach us how to become the bitchiest of all bitches so that no bitch can live her life (life's a bitch too) without bitching at guys!
moimeme Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 These are just a few things my bf refuses to compromise about...I bet you guys are going to say that I should talk to HIM about these things....but the thing is that I have and he doesn't listen.....he just says I shouldn't expect him to be exactly the person I want...which I don't....but come on....what if the things he's not willing to compromise about really MATTER to u? (ex. romance/PDAs) Any suggestions? Some men have a dread of being 'controlled'. They spend most of the relationship in a power struggle with you to 'control' their own lives. Love is about being willing to give - *not* to the point of self-abnegation, but both parties need to have similar desires to give to each other. You won't have that with a guy who does this power thing. You absolutely can't nag or beg him into changing. You can try being extra nice and sweet and hoping that he'll be moved to want to return the favours, but I doubt it will work. Oh, and don't listen to very-confused-girl. All that happens if you turn miserable is that he'll become more so. Few humans respond to attacks and mistreatment with compliance; the tendency is to fight back. So it's really stupid advice.
pseud Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 A compromise is, in essence, finding a middle road that both parties can agree to. It sounds as though you may not really be compromising, so much as demanding. At least, this is how your boyfriend may see things. It is unrealistic to expect fairy tale romance in relationships; reality just does not work that way. If you two are able to get along for the most part, and enjoy one another's company, then you have a good thing going. I understand that it would be nice if he did a little something extra for you now and then, but it is possible that he views your attempts at compromise as reminders of his failure. If there are things he does which you are fond of, perhaps you could try reinforcing such behaviors. If he feels uncomfortable now displaying affection in public, you need to respect that, even if he used to seem to enjoy it. As for the music, I don't know if that battle can be won; in my experience, this is almost as bad as deciding upon toppings for a pizza.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 You know I started reading the responses to this post and thought - OMG how harsh. Thankfully pseud chimed in!!! My b/f is also not the romantic type - he has never bought me flowers, or any of that junk, but he is what I would call romantic in other ways. He usually opens doors for me, he carries my bag, etc. in reality these things mean just as much to me as huge displays - and in my eyes they are more lasting. Is there no way for you to find romance in even the little things he does? As far as the music goes - ever hear of talk radio? Or a station somewhere in between both of your preferences? If you two have been going strong for a year and a half, there must be some very wonderful things there. Feels like you may need to compromise some of your expectations here. Just my two cents on this one.
HokeyReligions Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by dreaming4ever "don't ever expect me to be romantic"....which to me, doesn't seem very fair. How is this unfair? He told you upfront that he's not the romantic type. You can't change another person no matter how much you want to. Also, when we're in the car.....when we're in his car he always gets to listen to his music (we have very different musical tastes).....so then when we're in my car I put on what I want to listen to b/c I'm driving and it's only fair.....but he starts bitching every time saying he doesn't want to listen to what i like b/c it's garbage. And he won't stop bitching until I change it or until we get in a huge argument....How is that fair? He even tried to justify it by saying music is more important to him than to me....which is SO not true. Like, how can someone even say that to anyone? That's so strange...... That should be an easy compromise, but it sounds like he doesn't care enough about your feelings. Keep the music off, or find someone who is less of a baby about it. He sounds spoiled. Also, my bf is completely averse to public displays of affection. I mean, I get that some people feel uncomfortable with them.....but when I dated him a few years ago he was totally fine with them....he LOVED them! And now suddenly he isn't? I don't get it.....honestly, it's ridiculous sometimes. Like today when he couldn't even give me a peck goodbye when he dropped me off at my house b/c his brother was in the car. Isn't that taking it a bit too far? You dated him a few years ago, and now are dating again? There was a break in between? Well, if he's changed then maybe he's not the one for you. It doesn't sound like you two have your priorities in line with each other. he just says I shouldn't expect him to be exactly the person I want...which I don't....but come on....what if the things he's not willing to compromise about really MATTER to u? (ex. romance/PDAs) Any suggestions? He's right in saying that you can't expect him to be someone he's not. If he is not willing to compromise on things that really matter to you---find someone who IS willing. Unless you want to settle for an unmatched / one-sided relationship, move on. It doesn't sound like you can build a healthy relationship with him.
Cecelius Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 I agree with moimeme: he's got some small security issues. A real man doesn't worry about enduring a few minutes of crappy music as demonstrating that he's being "controlled". The response to the mistreatment is to ignore it or point out the inappropriateness of it -- your car, your music. Let him know he can walk if he wants to... As to the lack of romance and PDA (does anyone say that anymore), I don't think this is mistreatment, but I do think it may mean you're with the wrong guy.
CurlyIam Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Patatoe, patatoe!!! Call it as you wish. I call it "self assurance". He knows he's got you wrapped around his fingers so he doesn't give a damn to at least try and respect your wishes. Your car or his! "Small" insecurity issues? No insecurity issues you mean. No consideration for you, you mean. And partially it is your fault for letting it happen. Now you have to undo it. IF you think he's gor anything that makes you feel/thing he's the one for you. I for one don't enjoy men who don't care about what I want, about how I feel and about my preferences. Because I certainly have enough RESPECT to consider their wishes and desires. That's what's all about. Courtesy. I so DON'T think it's too much for one to give in a relationship. And I think you demand this one too. IMHO, he's being a spoiled brat because he takes you for granted. Because you don't manage to impose yourself in front of him. This is not about shouting or screaming. Is about making yourself HEARD. LISTENED. RESPECTED. Thats how I see it.
alphamale Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by dreaming4ever he just says I shouldn't expect him to be exactly the person I want...which I don't....but come on.... i agree with him on this. you are attracted to him because of the person he is right now. if some romantic clown came along who let you listen to all your music in the car and was into PDAs then u would not give him the time of day. and once you current b/f starts doing what u want of him you will most likely leave him. such is life...
CurlyIam Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 I think Alpha's implying that you stick around this guy because on an unconscious level you like to be treated poorly. Are you?
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