Author losangelena Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 In my dating I have noticed that men go in and out of phases with their communication. Once in a while they're quieter for a week then they go back to being their chatty self. With time you will notice that after spending a lot of time together, or each time your relationship reaches the next step, your boyfriend will get quieter for a few days. I agree, Gaeta. He's actually pretty much as you describe and has done similar things before. I don't know what got to me so much this time, but it's kind of thrown me. Thanks, everyone! Y'all are so helpful.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I have a serious case of Worst Case Scenario Syndrome, not just in relationships, but absolutely everything. Boss wants to talk to me? I'M GETTING FIRED. Devoted boyfriend responds with shorter texts? HE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME. Missed call from my parents? OH GOD SOMEBODY'S DEAD. I used to think it was just me but it's actually somewhat common. How comfortable do you feel talking with this guy? Do you talk about where the relationship stands, what you're looking for, or even how you're feeling about it? It looks like the toothbrush issue is settled but hopefully you guys can have a good discussion about what's going on. It doesn't have to be a huge deal; in fact, it'll be easier for both of you if you keep a sense of humor and don't go in with an agenda. But I think even more casual couples should be able to pour a few glasses of wine and have a good talk. You mention you try not to externalize these things to him. Do you think that's helpful? My boyfriend externalizes his own insecurities---"Oh, good, you laughed! I was afraid you didn't find it funny and thought I was an idiot, and then I was wondering what to say to sound smart again"---and I've grown comfortable doing the same. I know specific little things that unsettle him and can avoid them, and he does the same for me. Don't forget that he may simply be in a bad mood, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When you get out of the honeymoon phase and the less pleasant sides of our personalities come out, we can interpret things incorrectly. Good luck! 1
Elle1975 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Don't think you are overreacting. It seems like he's pulling out, and you should do the same.
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 You've spent almost every day together over the holidays.The guy needs some breathing room! And at 4 months, leaving a toothbrush would be an invitation for us to stop seeing each other. (My own opinion) You sound "clingy" and I don't mean that badly. Just that you've planted your roots with him and invested too much,too soon. And yes, he's going to lose interest if you keep this up. We guys need a little room to ourselves and time to ourselves. It also helps us miss you more. If you were married,it'd be different, but you're dating and only at the 4 month mark. I don't know but at 4 months my boyfriend bought me a toothbrush and a pink hairdryer, and also emptied a dresser drawer for me (that I never used). So it's up to the guy. I didn't ask, he did all of these. I second the opinions that say you should just wait for him to text/contact you and you are probably over-reacting. You should just mostly look at the time he's giving you and also other clues of his in-person behavior, you can feel these things. Wait for him to reach out. Sometimes my BF texted me as late as 10pm. I used to be worried too but not anymore because he showed with certainty he's committed. Just wait more and contact less. Even if one day is skipped is not the end of the world. Chill! 2
newlyborn Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I don't know but at 4 months my boyfriend bought me a toothbrush and a pink hairdryer, and also emptied a dresser drawer for me (that I never used). So it's up to the guy. I didn't ask, he did all of these. same here. my ex bought a new toothbrush, declared it mine, and stuck it in his bathroom. he also asked me to leave clothes in his home, as it made him feel like i lived there, too. this was shortly after becoming exclusive, so maybe at the 3-4 month mark. again, i do think that things are fairly standard for people who have decided to date exclusively. my sense is that only guarded people or those accustomed to being single mind having evidence in their home that they are in a relationship. 1
Diezel Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 quick question: do you think that your ex's taking the main responsibility for keeping communication going made you a bit lazy at it? in other words, if this communication practice hadn't developed between you, do you think you would have been more mindful of initiating communication regularly? no judgment intended here. i am just trying to understand how relationships work. thanks! Absolutely. I admit to it being my fault and to a lesser degree hers. When you know for a fact that everyday, no later than 10 AM you are going to get a text from her...you get used to it and it becomes routine. And she did complain about the fact, at some point, that I never texted first and I became mindful of it and tried to balance it out. 2
Author losangelena Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I have a serious case of Worst Case Scenario Syndrome, not just in relationships, but absolutely everything. Boss wants to talk to me? I'M GETTING FIRED. Devoted boyfriend responds with shorter texts? HE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME. Missed call from my parents? OH GOD SOMEBODY'S DEAD. I used to think it was just me but it's actually somewhat common. How comfortable do you feel talking with this guy? Do you talk about where the relationship stands, what you're looking for, or even how you're feeling about it? It looks like the toothbrush issue is settled but hopefully you guys can have a good discussion about what's going on. It doesn't have to be a huge deal; in fact, it'll be easier for both of you if you keep a sense of humor and don't go in with an agenda. But I think even more casual couples should be able to pour a few glasses of wine and have a good talk. You mention you try not to externalize these things to him. Do you think that's helpful? My boyfriend externalizes his own insecurities---"Oh, good, you laughed! I was afraid you didn't find it funny and thought I was an idiot, and then I was wondering what to say to sound smart again"---and I've grown comfortable doing the same. I know specific little things that unsettle him and can avoid them, and he does the same for me. Don't forget that he may simply be in a bad mood, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When you get out of the honeymoon phase and the less pleasant sides of our personalities come out, we can interpret things incorrectly. Good luck! Just an update: We saw each other last night at an event that I had invited him to earlier in the week. Everything's fine, as expected. I think it's what many of you said, a combination of just needing some space and a touch of laziness/expectedness on his end, and a case of paranoia on mine. Even though I last saw him Sunday morning (four days only!), it felt like it had been so much longer, but that "coming back together" feeling was quite nice, I must admit. I guess as long as I know that periodic silence does not equal pulling away, then I'd feel better. Chimp, thanks for the above. We definitely could use a good talk about these kinds of things. Not because there's anything duplicitous afoot, but I'm more reserved and a bit closed off, relationship-wise (admittedly), and initiating these kinds of discussions freaks me out. I know that's not an excuse not to go there, but I suppose that's what the wine's for! My toothbrush is still there, lol. He also has designated a towel as being mine to use. I have a glass for water, a particular pillow he knows I like, and knows thats I like Nutella on my toaster waffles and will get it off the high shelf for me. I like him ... (sigh) 2
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Just an update: We saw each other last night at an event that I had invited him to earlier in the week. Everything's fine, as expected. I think it's what many of you said, a combination of just needing some space and a touch of laziness/expectedness on his end, and a case of paranoia on mine. Even though I last saw him Sunday morning (four days only!), it felt like it had been so much longer, but that "coming back together" feeling was quite nice, I must admit. I guess as long as I know that periodic silence does not equal pulling away, then I'd feel better. Chimp, thanks for the above. We definitely could use a good talk about these kinds of things. Not because there's anything duplicitous afoot, but I'm more reserved and a bit closed off, relationship-wise (admittedly), and initiating these kinds of discussions freaks me out. I know that's not an excuse not to go there, but I suppose that's what the wine's for! My toothbrush is still there, lol. He also has designated a towel as being mine to use. I have a glass for water, a particular pillow he knows I like, and knows thats I like Nutella on my toaster waffles and will get it off the high shelf for me. I like him ... (sigh) Sounds good It's good to talk about the relationship, but it's better to be in it rather than talk about it. In this case, I don't think you need to have any "talk" right now, as long as it was said that you two are in an exclusive, official relationship, just let it flow. I don't see anything to worry about here! Enjoy and when you feel worried, just repeat "X loves me" and calm yourself down. I remember once around the same time, he didn't text me all day and I dug my heels in and didn't text him either. I started to go crazy and make scenarios in my head, only to find out when we met that he texted me, I didn't get the text and he was doing the exact same thing, going crazy on his end because I didn't reply lol 1
newlyborn Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Sounds good It's good to talk about the relationship, but it's better to be in it rather than talk about it. In this case, I don't think you need to have any "talk" right now, as long as it was said that you two are in an exclusive, official relationship, just let it flow. I don't see anything to worry about here! Enjoy and when you feel worried, just repeat "X loves me" and calm yourself down. wonderful advice! 1
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