losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Gang, a question. So, my guy and I have been dating for four months, "official/exclusive" for around one. We've met each other's friends; I went to his holiday company party; we've spent Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years together, etc. I don't know if I love him yet, but I'm definitely developing feelings. Throughout the holidays, we spent more time together than normal. We usually see each other on weekends, and then once during the week, but because of relaxed schedules and whatnot, we saw each other almost everyday and I got used to that amount of togetherness. I haven't seen him since Sunday as we're back to our normal routines. That's fine. What I've noticed this week though is that I have had to initiate all of the contact. He's never been a great communicator, but will typically chime in with a "hi" or "how was your day" at some point. This week, he's not done that at all. He will reply to my texts, but that's it. Even writing this, I already feel like I'm overreacting. My fear is that he's losing interest for some reason. I've recently started doing more "couple-y" things like put photos of us on Instagram, and have left a toothbrush at his place (I asked if he's cool with it before doing any of this stuff, by the way). He's coming along on a weekend trip with some of my friends over the MLK holiday, and my roommate recently made him a t-shirt for which he's already paid and I have to deliver. In a certain light, these could be seen as signifiers of a deepening relationship, or maybe for him it's too close for comfort. I don't know. There are no glaring read flags, just my own anxiety and a few days of less contact. I guess I just wanted to get the opinion of others instead of simply stewing in my own mind. To me, as a relationship grows there should be more communication, not less. But that's just me. Does he just need a little space or what?
newlyborn Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 i think you should stop initiating and let things balance out over the next couple of days. i notice that sometimes we women go into partner/nurturer mode fairly early into relationships and start compensating for what we see as lacks in the partner and doing all the work in that area: i.e., he is not good at communicating so i do most of the reaching out. or he never has good ideas or time to plan dates, so i maintain our social calendar. these compromises are fine for married and other seriously committed couples, not for young relationships. i also think you should stop asking permission to do normal girlfriend things: like posting pics of you on facebook or leaving a toothbrush at your boyfriend's place. i know you think you are being respectful and taking care of his feelings, but in asking you are also assuming a lesser position in your relationship. these are ordinary things. let him be responsible for his feelings, his shortcomings, communicating his preferences, etc. let him articulate his boundaries. this way you know that you are dealing with a healthy mature man who can show up in life in the ways that life (and relationships) requires. finally, i don't know if he needs space. but, if you are feeling anxious and a bit insecure, you need space. let him come to you. 2
katlover Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) What's the issue here? That he didn't text you "hi" or "how was your day?" Texting can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I wouldn't be worried unless he acts differently in person. Time will tell, but I'm sure you are just overreacting. You just need to play it cool, nice and slow. You see love is like a chess game, you wait for the person to make a move and then you act accordingly. Let him come to you and if he doesn't reach out to you at all within a week or 2, then that's when you worry. Edited January 8, 2015 by katlover 2
Diezel Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I was guilty of this sometimes with my ex. I just knew that at some point if I didn't text her, she'd probably text me. So subconsciously, I'd get into my work day and knew it'd happen. And it always did. If by a certain time, she hadn't texted, then I knew maybe I should be saying something. Regardless, you might be reading a little too much into it. Why not give him a call tonight? Or wait and see if he texts you at all throughout the day. He might even do what I did, "Haven't heard from you all day, everything ok?" Sometimes we're oblivious. 2
newlyborn Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I was guilty of this sometimes with my ex. I just knew that at some point if I didn't text her, she'd probably text me. So subconsciously, I'd get into my work day and knew it'd happen. And it always did. If by a certain time, she hadn't texted, then I knew maybe I should be saying something. quick question: do you think that your ex's taking the main responsibility for keeping communication going made you a bit lazy at it? in other words, if this communication practice hadn't developed between you, do you think you would have been more mindful of initiating communication regularly? no judgment intended here. i am just trying to understand how relationships work. thanks!
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 i think you should stop initiating and let things balance out over the next couple of days. i notice that sometimes we women go into partner/nurturer mode fairly early into relationships and start compensating for what we see as lacks in the partner and doing all the work in that area: i.e., he is not good at communicating so i do most of the reaching out. or he never has good ideas or time to plan dates, so i maintain our social calendar. these compromises are fine for married and other seriously committed couples, not for young relationships. Oh wow, yes. I see this absolutely. I guess I just go so comfortable these last few weeks and seeing him so much, that it has felt normal to slip into that role. I myself am pretty inexperienced with relationships, and so is he, so I think, especially after we became "official," things just kind of got relaxed and I see we're now doing what you describe here. i also think you should stop asking permission to do normal girlfriend things: like posting pics of you on facebook or leaving a toothbrush at your boyfriend's place. i know you think you are being respectful and taking care of his feelings, but in asking you are also assuming a lesser position in your relationship. these are ordinary things. let him be responsible for his feelings, his shortcomings, communicating his preferences, etc. let him articulate his boundaries. this way you know that you are dealing with a healthy mature man who can show up in life in the ways that life (and relationships) requires. finally, i don't know if he needs space. but, if you are feeling anxious and a bit insecure, you need space. let him come to you. Thanks for this. Again, I had not thought about it this way. I've not ever thought that my actions come off that way, that's interesting. Thanks everyone for the replies!
HVW_Mark Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 i think you should stop initiating and let things balance out over the next couple of days. i notice that sometimes we women go into partner/nurturer mode fairly early into relationships and start compensating for what we see as lacks in the partner and doing all the work in that area: i.e., he is not good at communicating so i do most of the reaching out. or he never has good ideas or time to plan dates, so i maintain our social calendar. these compromises are fine for married and other seriously committed couples, not for young relationships. finally, i don't know if he needs space. but, if you are feeling anxious and a bit insecure, you need space. let him come to you. +1 to all this. Let it balance out a bit more. He needs to put some effort in for you girl! I dont mind the toothbrush asking thing, Id be a little creeped out if a girl didn't ask at first, even a month in. But yeh, you're worth it, let him come to you, and if he doesn't, he'll have to learn the hard lesson that you won't endlessly do all the work 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You've spent almost every day together over the holidays.The guy needs some breathing room! And at 4 months, leaving a toothbrush would be an invitation for us to stop seeing each other. (My own opinion) You sound "clingy" and I don't mean that badly. Just that you've planted your roots with him and invested too much,too soon. And yes, he's going to lose interest if you keep this up. We guys need a little room to ourselves and time to ourselves. It also helps us miss you more. If you were married,it'd be different, but you're dating and only at the 4 month mark.
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) You've spent almost every day together over the holidays.The guy needs some breathing room! And at 4 months, leaving a toothbrush would be an invitation for us to stop seeing each other. (My own opinion) You sound "clingy" and I don't mean that badly. Just that you've planted your roots with him and invested too much,too soon. And yes, he's going to lose interest if you keep this up. We guys need a little room to ourselves and time to ourselves. It also helps us miss you more. If you were married,it'd be different, but you're dating and only at the 4 month mark. Hey thanks for your input! I understand what you're saying, and agree. However, when you say, "he'll lose interest if you keep this up," it makes it sound like you assume that I'm the one who's pushing for all the time together. To clarify, over most of the holiday break, it was he who was initiating most of the getting together. For instance, if I stayed over on say, a Thursday night, Friday morning he'd be asking if I had anything going on, and if I said no, he'd say, well let's go see a movie later. If he left my place on a Monday morning for work, by after work hours he'd be asking if I wanted to get dinner. You see? So me asking to leave a toothbrush at his place was because I was getting tired of having to bring mine over every time, because we'd gotten into the habit of me being there most nights. If anything, I feel like I've been matching his level of involvement, not pushing for more on my own and then feeling frustrated when he's not stepping up. I think it's the precedent the last few weeks seem to set (more contact) that makes this week seem out of place. It's probably what you say, that he needs some space, and that's fine, but given what just transpired, it feels a bit sudden. Maybe we both escalated too soon and this is just a natural pull back. Edited to say: I need just as much if not more alone time that he does. Again, my negative thoughts stem from the sudden lack of contact, not not seeing him. Edited January 8, 2015 by losangelena more to say
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 OK.I can see where maybe both of you invested too much too soon. You've gotten accustomed to being together and it feels weird when you're not. It's not a bad thing, but myself, after spending so much time with someone, would definately need my own space for a while. It's partly his fault as well. And, come on. I've been around. A toothbrush being so cumbersome and expensive it has to be left because it's SO much hassle to leave one in your bag? I'm assuming you still take a bag with clothing in it to his place,right?
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 OK.I can see where maybe both of you invested too much too soon. You've gotten accustomed to being together and it feels weird when you're not. It's not a bad thing, but myself, after spending so much time with someone, would definately need my own space for a while. It's partly his fault as well. And, come on. I've been around. A toothbrush being so cumbersome and expensive it has to be left because it's SO much hassle to leave one in your bag? I'm assuming you still take a bag with clothing in it to his place,right? lol, of course ... But, for me, leaving a toothbrush is much more of a convenience than some kind of relational depth signifier. It's a toothbrush—it's not like I want to move in or anything! 1
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Also, I've been thinking about this ... I understand someone's need for space in a relationship. I'm in no ways an enmesher. I have friends and work and interests outside of my boyfriend and I like that he has his. He goes to the gym regularly, he does bar trivia, he loves his Xbox. I don't want him to give those things up or include me in them. HOWEVER, as much as a man needs space, a woman needs connection. And I don't mean, "oh, I'm so needy, I must know that he's always there or else my world will fall apart," I mean it's a legitimate relational need to feel close and connected to one's partner. For me, little daily "check-ins" help me feel that way. I don't need or want him to be all up in my business all day, but when I know he can devote four solid hours to the gym, and fritter away his evening playing Call of Duty, it does leave me a bit miffed to think that he can't spend 30 to 60 seconds to type out, "hey, how has your day been?," especially not after we just spent the better part of three weeks together. I don't think I'm asking for the moon here. I don't think it's fair to say to a woman, "you just have to let the man be the man and be thankful for what you get." And, before anyone says anything, I know that the solution is to talk to him about it. I'm just using this space to process. Thanks. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) You sound like my gf. Next thing ya know,you'll be leaving a stick of degree deoderant and casually insert some Aussie shampoo and conditioner in the shower(but not at the same time.That'd be too forward.lol) I'm bald,so I'm pretty sure it wasn't left for me! The toothbrush is the first step guys. Don't be fooled! Seriously though, she's like that too. She needs the confirmation and reassurance. It does bother me sometimes,because even though I'm all in, if I've spent alot of time together, I need to just be me for a little while and concentrate on things that need to be done.(Work,house cleaning,kids,bills,etc.,,) I still contact her during the day,but it's probably at a reduced pace. Added: Come to think of it, she told me early on that she needed reassurance. Even if it was just once during the day. You might try telling him that also. Edited January 8, 2015 by DivorcedDad123 Added 1
Eighty_nine Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I know that like me, it's taking you a little while to feel comfortable and secure (for me it's because of past hurts, not sure if it's the same situation for you), so likely it's your own stuff that's making you worried. He probably doesn't even realize he's not making first contact. I bet if you don't text him all day, you'll eventually hear from him. He's seen you so much lately that he might be feeling "too" comfortable, overlooking how much that little hey, how's your day? Matters to you. Was anything "off" or different the last time you saw him? Maybe he just needs time alone to catch up on his game lol. 1
newlyborn Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Also, I've been thinking about this ... I understand someone's need for space in a relationship. I'm in no ways an enmesher. I have friends and work and interests outside of my boyfriend and I like that he has his. He goes to the gym regularly, he does bar trivia, he loves his Xbox. I don't want him to give those things up or include me in them. HOWEVER, as much as a man needs space, a woman needs connection. And I don't mean, "oh, I'm so needy, I must know that he's always there or else my world will fall apart," I mean it's a legitimate relational need to feel close and connected to one's partner. For me, little daily "check-ins" help me feel that way. I don't need or want him to be all up in my business all day, but when I know he can devote four solid hours to the gym, and fritter away his evening playing Call of Duty, it does leave me a bit miffed to think that he can't spend 30 to 60 seconds to type out, "hey, how has your day been?," especially not after we just spent the better part of three weeks together. I don't think I'm asking for the moon here. I don't think it's fair to say to a woman, "you just have to let the man be the man and be thankful for what you get." i just want to encourage you not to allow yourself to many of these negative judgments about your boyfriend. it can lead to resentment down the road. he has begun to share his life with you, which is how you know how many hours he spends at the gym or playing video games. i really think that you should pull back in both your behavior and your preoccupation with him. try to let things flow and rebalance themselves naturally. he's your boyfriend -- yay! enjoy it. 1
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 I know that like me, it's taking you a little while to feel comfortable and secure (for me it's because of past hurts, not sure if it's the same situation for you), so likely it's your own stuff that's making you worried. He probably doesn't even realize he's not making first contact. I bet if you don't text him all day, you'll eventually hear from him. He's seen you so much lately that he might be feeling "too" comfortable, overlooking how much that little hey, how's your day? Matters to you. Was anything "off" or different the last time you saw him? Maybe he just needs time alone to catch up on his game lol. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's up. There wasn't anything off the last time we saw one another, and he's definitely gotten more "comfortable" in the past few weeks, even keeping the Call of Duty on one time when I came over once (for the first time). He did just text me over lunch to say hi (same as always). I definitely feel all my "stuff" coming up in this relationship, and you're right—these feelings really are about what's going on with me, and don't have much to do with him. I'm IN therapy, trying to work things out, but damn is it hard. I just feel like a crazy person sometimes.
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 i just want to encourage you not to allow yourself to many of these negative judgments about your boyfriend. it can lead to resentment down the road. he has begun to share his life with you, which is how you know how many hours he spends at the gym or playing video games. i really think that you should pull back in both your behavior and your preoccupation with him. try to let things flow and rebalance themselves naturally. he's your boyfriend -- yay! enjoy it. Thanks, newlyborn. I know what you're saying. It's just hard. I feel like I get so much conflicting advice. Some people say "go with the flow!," while others say, "tell him how you feel." And sometimes I feel like I really can't differentiate between what's a legitimate relationship issue ("honey, I'd feel more connected to you if we touched base everyday"), or what's being driven by my negativity and unhealthy thought patterns. I know I have them—I know I'm given to worst case scenario thinking—and like I said in my previous post, I am in therapy to try and work through this stuff. It's hard for me to relax and enjoy things. I've always been this way, but of course I don't want to ruin a good thing with my anxiety. But how do I "pull back" on my behavior? Which behavior?
newlyborn Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Thanks, newlyborn. I know what you're saying. It's just hard. I feel like I get so much conflicting advice. Some people say "go with the flow!," while others say, "tell him how you feel." And sometimes I feel like I really can't differentiate between what's a legitimate relationship issue ("honey, I'd feel more connected to you if we touched base everyday"), or what's being driven by my negativity and unhealthy thought patterns. I know I have them—I know I'm given to worst case scenario thinking—and like I said in my previous post, I am in therapy to try and work through this stuff. It's hard for me to relax and enjoy things. I've always been this way, but of course I don't want to ruin a good thing with my anxiety. But how do I "pull back" on my behavior? Which behavior? whether you go with the flow and/or share your concerns, i am cautioning you from externalizing the source of your bad feelings. it is your anxiety, likely caused by having to adjust to less couple time, but you are making your bf the cause. your are making a case against him when really you just need to adjust to being back in your life after all that holiday togetherness. i know it is really hard to tell when your concerns are legitimate about a partner's treatment or when you are just being super critical based on your own bad feelings. in this case, i think it is the latter. and i think if you went for a walk, or called a friend or family member, or took a bath, or went to a movie, you could just shift your focus and feel confident that your life is grand, even when the bf is not around.
Mrin Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I was guilty of this sometimes with my ex. I just knew that at some point if I didn't text her, she'd probably text me. So subconsciously, I'd get into my work day and knew it'd happen. And it always did. If by a certain time, she hadn't texted, then I knew maybe I should be saying something. Wow. Thanks for this. After reading it i realized I had fallen into this exact same routine with my GF. I let her initiate out of habit, busy-ness and laziness. Figured it was just a routine that we had developed but now I can see how she may not see it that way. Thanks! 1
newlyborn Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 also, the only behavior i think you should pull back on is initiating communication and asking for permission to do those little things all partners do. when you are feeling a bit insecure, it feels SO much better to answer a call or email or text from than to initiate one. 1
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 But, for me, leaving a toothbrush is much more of a convenience than some kind of relational depth signifier. It's a toothbrush—it's not like I want to move in or anything! Not for men. Look at the reaction from men on here concerning the toothbrush. I would not ask a man I date if I can leave a few things at his house, I would wait for him to offer me to leave my toothbrush, big difference. In my dating I have noticed that men go in and out of phases with their communication. Once in a while they're quieter for a week then they go back to being their chatty self. With time you will notice that after spending a lot of time together, or each time your relationship reaches the next step, your boyfriend will get quieter for a few days.
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If a man is going to bitterly complain when a woman he is sleeping with, leaves her toothbrush in his bathroom, then perhaps she shouldn't be sleeping with him. Just a thought 1
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Alright, well the toothbrush damage is done. I've already asked and it's presently sitting in it its caddy next to the toothpaste. He said yes, and there's not much I can do now, aside from take it back. I kind of agree with newlyborn. Even if it wasn't the best idea on my part, he could have said that he wasn't comfortable with the idea when I brought it up.
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 If a man is going to bitterly complain when a woman he is sleeping with, leaves her toothbrush in his bathroom, then perhaps she shouldn't be sleeping with him. Just a thought LOL. Thank you.
Author losangelena Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 whether you go with the flow and/or share your concerns, i am cautioning you from externalizing the source of your bad feelings. it is your anxiety, likely caused by having to adjust to less couple time, but you are making your bf the cause. your are making a case against him when really you just need to adjust to being back in your life after all that holiday togetherness. i know it is really hard to tell when your concerns are legitimate about a partner's treatment or when you are just being super critical based on your own bad feelings. in this case, i think it is the latter. and i think if you went for a walk, or called a friend or family member, or took a bath, or went to a movie, you could just shift your focus and feel confident that your life is grand, even when the bf is not around. Thanks again, newlyborn. I've actually been through something similar with him a couple of times before, and I make it a point to not externalize these thing to him, and each time things swing back around and it's fine.
Recommended Posts