If you want to get back together with your ex, read this

[lostsoul6486]

Hey everyone. I hope you're all coping better today than you were yesterday. Before you read this, please understand something very important: what you are about to read is not a plan or strategy to get your ex back. No matter what you read or what anyone tells you, such a plan doesn't exist. What you are about to read is simply the bittersweet truth that I recently realized about why the chances of getting back together with your ex are slim to none. Being the dumper feeling regret or the dumpee hoping for a phone call does not make the previous statement any less true.

 

First thing is first. The reason why the chances of getting back together with your ex are very slim is simple to state but not simple to carry out: If you REALLY want to get back together with that person and you REALLY want it to work out this time, YOU MUST LET THAT PERSON GO FIRST. This is why no contact is so important immediately after a break up. Many people, including myself, misunderstand no contact at first and therefore don't do it. No contact WILL NOT stop you from getting back together with your ex. No contact also WILL NOT be the reason why you get back together with your ex. No contact WILL help you heal. No contact also WILL allow you to emotionally detach yourself from your ex so that you could let her go and move on. No contact is all about YOU and has nothing to do with THEM. Just to be clear, no contact doesn't just mean not to be the one to initiate. It also means being the one who politely asks for some space if contacted first.

 

Let me lay out the scenario for you to explain why letting go is so important. First, if you were the dumpee (like me). It sucks. There is no other way to say it. It hurts and sitting around waiting for that call or text is torture. Just the thought of letting that person go doesn't seem like an option because, in your mind, that person has already let go of you because you were the one who was dumped and if you let go all hope is lost. This could not be more wrong. Whether or not the dumper has gotten over you is irrelevant and it is actually better if she has. If you see that she has moved on, that will allow you to move on too. It will hurt like hell, but it will free you. Letting go shows the dumper (and more importantly yourself) that yes, she was very important to you and you love her very much, but she is not the only thing in your life and you could be happy without her. It shows that you have found yourself again.

 

Now, if you were the dumper. I have not been in this situation, but I'm sure it's not easy if you truly care about the person you are breaking up with. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings but you know there is no way around that so you're trying to find the right words to say. You finally do it and you feel terrible. After a few days, you want to contact the person who's heart you just broke. DO NOT DO IT. Please. If you truly care, do not do it. Maybe you want to get back together because you feel regret or maybe you just want to make sure the person is doing ok. Whichever the case may be, do not do it. If it's because you want to get back together, realize that you just ripped that person's heart out whether it was intentional or not. That means he may take you back, but he is wounded and he will never trust you in the same way that he once did. He may love you more than anything in the world, but that trust will never be what it once was and you will realize that. You will get hurt because you will either have to dump him again or you will get dumped this time around when he realizes that, no matter how hard he tries, he can't trust you anymore.

 

I know, I know. It doesn't make sense. Right now, you're saying, "How the hell could I get back together with my ex if we never speak again? Also, you're telling me that even if we do get back together, we'll break up again. I don't see how I could ever get back together with my ex if I let go like you're saying that I should." I'll tell you how. You leave it to chance. After enough time passes, you won't feel the same way you felt about that person if you truly went no contact and let go (and, hopefully, it will be the same case for your ex). If the breakup was amicable, you may even find that you're able to speak to that person again as a friend. One of you may reach out to the other for God knows what reason or run into each other at some place. If you let go of each other, maybe one or both of you have dated other people. Maybe you have had some new life experiences and learned new things. The fact is, you will both be changed in some way and that change may be what fixes the thing that was broken the first time. Once you're both friends again, who knows what could happen? Maybe that spark never comes back and you don't date again, but you become good friends. Who knows, right?

 

That scenario sounds pretty sweet, huh? Now, for the bitter part: don't forget the chances of getting someone back after letting them go are extremely slim. It's a big world out there and letting someone out into it means that you will probably lose them. Just know that if you do, it was never going to work out anyway. I know it's hard. I'm dealing with it too, but it is the truth.

[lil hoodlum]

That was a lovely read and very well written.

 

 

 

People do get back together all of the time.

 

 

Many relationships have fundamental problems or there maybe compatibility problems. Often times a deal breaker ends a relationship (i.e. cheating or lying.) In such cases it is often best the relationship dies and both people go their seperate ways.

 

 

Truth is, there is no exact science or formula for why and how people do get back together. It is often a mystery and maybe, just maybe it was just meant to be. But as I said, people do often get second chances and reconcile.

 

If it is meant to be, it will happen. Whether one or both go No Contact, Limited Contact, or whatever contact, it doesn't matter.

 

 

So simply put, if two people still have love and care in their hearts for one another, and there is a TRUE desire to get back together it will happen.

[welshbambi]

This was so well written and completely true.

 

Basically, by going NC, you win either way. You get back in touch with yourself again - I know I am terribly bad for being all about the other person. It's why I struggle to remember and enjoy the other things that make me happy at times like this.

 

If your ex DOES get back in touch, and you reconcile, then you are a more rounded, better person going back in to things.

 

And if they don't, then you are still that same well rounded, better person when you meet someone new.

 

Great post.

[RedButton]

I liked this post, it helps remind me that there is life after the breakup, for both of the parties. I still think about her every day, but I'm getting to a point where it's less being distraught and more 'We had some fun together'.

 

It's been two months and I don't feel the need to make contact anytime soon, but it's also nice to think that she's not 'dead', and if I ran into her one day It might not ruin my day.

[fire_angel94]

I'm finding it hard moving on. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago and today I made it finally by going over and taking back all the things that belonged to me from his house. It hurts and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel weak and I have the urge to just run back and pretend nothing happened and snuggle up to him again. But I know I can't. I realised I can't from that moment a few days ago.

 

I broke up with him because I felt he couldn't understand me. He knows me and my quirks and all but he didn't truly listen to my feelings. When I tell him I'm feeling like sad or disappointed at something he did/didn't do, I get shot back because he did all he could to make me happy and I'm still not satisfied. He gets upset about how I justify my reasons by what I feel. (ie. I kind of feel like we have been getting lazy etc) instead of evidence. Like the other time I told him that we weren't putting in effort anymore and that I miss going on dates sometimes (we usually just stay home and play video games) but he said it costs money and I'm always so uptight about my money that I refuse to spend it anyway. And I constantly feel like I'm being blamed for everything. Everytime he scolds me is because I deserve it. Even when he gets mad because we lost in a video game or I read the map wrongly and we made a wrong turn... I'm drained. But yet I can't stop loving him.

 

My family dislike him. My friends too. I know we can't work out but it's so hard to let go. And I miss him. He's a douchebag and a jerk. But we were really in love. He says he's not the type of man to chase a girl. I knew that so I usually did all the chasing instead because I didn't want to lose him. But this time I didn't. I wanted to feel important too.

 

I know I'm overly dramatic and sensitive and meek. I just wanted to be loved back the way I loved him.

[blackcat777]

The power and perspective I gained during NC allowed me to only accept a situation that would translate into a successful reconciliation.

 

I know, for the longest time, all I wanted is that other person back. I know what it's like to want to do anything, to feel the urge to beg, to want to convince them, the endless wondering...

 

I think one way to know NC has worked its magic on you is that you can step back and realize that, if you still want your ex back, you wouldn't take them back unconditionally... you'd only take them back if they showed up in a way that is healthy for you and enriches your life.

 

My ex did come back (fortunately, in the best way possible), but if he had flip flopped for a minute, gave me any BS about, "let's see what happens," or blew hot and cold for one millisecond, I would have peaced out... and I still would. The pain of that breakup was so terrible, I'd have to be insane to stick around if he wasn't choosing to prove he's committed of his own free will.

 

If you're willing to sacrifice your boundaries to be with someone, disaster lies ahead. NC is amazing for staking out your boundaries and worshipping them. This is what you should be doing during NC.

 

NC was my magic safe circle, and the strength and power I found in sticking to it--sticking to my decision to act in favor of my well being, always--is indispensable. I will never forget it and I will never put it down.

 

It's the stuff that makes other people respect you, especially in relationships.