Dumped Suddenly After 3.5 Yrs Long Distance And Stuck Living With Exs Sister for 6mo

[brokenknight]

This is going to be a long post. I know it will be too long for many to read and I understand you probably don't have time.

 

I am male in my 20's. I met my (now ex) gf in her 20's from 4.5 years ago at a summer internship near where I have lived my entire life. She is from 1000 miles away from me. We kept in constant touch texting daily for 1 year until she came back for another nearby internship for a couple weeks and then we decided to try to make this long distance relationship happen.

 

Things were great and we were really really into each other. This is the closest I've ever been to any other human by a mile. My previous ex's don't even compare (and I'm not just saying that due to heat of the moment).

 

I made the decision to move out of my network 1000 miles to be closer to her several months ago. However, due to the nature of my job, it is a four-year locked in contract essentially. It is equivalent to career suicide to bail in the middle or attempt to transfer and is very very difficult. I did not have an exact selection of my work city, only preferences that I could rank and hope to get. For all intents and purposes, my gf had the same scenario. Unfortunately due to luck, I ended up 4 driving hours away from her (better than a 3 hour flight).

 

My gf's sister was living in this city that I was to be moving to and was looking for a roommate for cheaper rent. I was too because I wanted to save money and thought it would be good to have someone I could rely on (FYI we are completely platonic and have zero interest in each other and my gf knew this which is why she pushed for it in the first place). So we rent an apt together and have no problems really.

 

Things seemed to be going much better being only 4 driving hours away, as I saw her about 7-10 days a month rather than 2. We even went on a one week vacation in mid-December this year. We spent Christmas separately to visit our respective families.

 

Then when we skype on New Years Eve, she acts weird and doesn't talk to me like she normally does. She is texting other people while on screen. Now, I don't think she is cheating on me or anything but it irked me. I had to sleep early on NYE since I had to work early the next day. I wake up and didn't see any "Happy New Year's" texts like you'd expect to from a gf. No messages or contact all day. I didn't message because I wanted to see what would happen cuz she had been acting strangely.

 

Then I finally call her 4 times the next day. We have a 15 min "conversation" which was mostly dead silence because she refused to talk. She then tells me she doesn't think we should be together. She just said I can't do long-distance. Then she tells me she's gonna go. That was pretty much the conversation.

 

Now she has broken up with me about every 6 months for 2 days max each time because of distance. It's now been 4 full days and it sounded like a permanent move this time.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I'm ridiculously depressed right now. I'm conflicted between trying to call her and not contacting her forever because I don't want to give her the internal satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and wanting her back.

 

How can I ever be happy? The other times I've had breakups, I've had a fresh start and a network of people to support me. I moved far far away from any friend or family member I have. My work colleagues are mostly married/have kids. We meet up less than once monthly. It's very hard because we are scattered in a 2 hour radius at multiple sites. Like I mentioned, I can't move for the next 3.5 years without destroying my career (to the point that my salary would be reduced 5-8 magnitudes).

 

Since we've broken up, I think both me and my ex's sister have been avoiding each other. We normally don't talk much but we seem to try to hide in our rooms and only come out when we know the other is in their room.

 

What can I do? I loved this girl with all my heart. I am shattered. I had hope in my previous breakups but this girl felt like the one. We frequently talked about getting married, rings, our home, etc. And she was always surprised that I never flinched. It's because I was 100% serious and committed. I went all-in on her. I don't know if my heart will ever be able to recover let alone have the same magnitude of feelings for anyone else.

 

I treated her like a queen. I never cheated on her. I never abused her. I always told her she was beautiful. I loved looking at her in a t-shirt and PJ's and glasses just after she woke up. I always told her she was smart and funny. I was always there to talk to her through hardship. I bought her flowers when she was sleeping to surprise her in the morning. I made her coffee before the woke up even though I don't drink coffee and barely know how to make it. I gave her foot massages no matter how dirty her feet were. I brought her things when she didn't want to get them in another room. I opened every door for her. I always drove whenever we went anywhere because she hated driving. I always paid for our dates and vacations. And this is the worst part. No matter what I did, there's no way to make her happier. I didn't even do anything wrong and that makes me want to bawl my eyes out like a little girl.

 

Should I try to contact her? It pains me every day not to. Every single phone notification, my heart skips a beat hoping it's her. I can't stop listening to wedding music and sitting in my room and crying because this is what should have been us. And I don't know how long I can hang on like this with no network. I'm withering away slowly. There's no light at the end of this tunnel.

 

The very short summary version: Went all-in on a girl after 3 yrs long distance. Moved 1000 miles for girl. Girl dumps me. I'm alone with no friends or family remotely close. And awkwardly living with my ex's sister for another 6 months. Cannot leave job for 3.5 years. I don't know what to do and find life pointless (no suicidal intentions).

[Satu]

Limerence.

 

"Limerence is thought to be one of the significant causes of breakups and divorce. In the beginning it often starts as a nearly imperceptible set of feelings of mild attraction which can grow into enormous intensity making people think they are very much in love. Then two to four years later the limerence process winds down causing all the ‘in love’ feelings to start fading out and closing down. Sometimes this happens quite rapidly. Once in a great while limerence can precede the development of healthy, real couple-love if a couple works at it, but usually not. Sometimes the condition runs its course in less than the usual two to four year long duration and sometimes lasts longer than that average. Two people can become limerent with each other simultaneously, sometimes it’s one person who is limerent and the other truly in love, and sometimes just one person is limerent and the other has no reciprocal feelings. Limerence feels great in the early stages but if the couple (where one is in a limerent state and one truly in love) marries and have a child the person truly in love eventually is likely to be terribly heartbroken and their life possibly severely damaged, while the limerent person’s former ‘love’ feelings are just gone."

 

Source.

[brokenknight]

I appreciate the reply but I don't find it to be very constructive.

 

Where do I go from here?

[Elle1975]

Although it's hard, you need to stop listening to music staring at your ceiling. To get better, you have to make an effort.

 

I'm sorry that you're stuck in such a living situation. Is there any ways you could bite the bullet and find another apartment?

 

Concentrate on your career and get out of the house as much as you can.

[brokenknight]

Thanks for the reply. The living situation honestly could be a lot worse. We didn't talk that much to begin with but got along. Now we just don't see each other. Although I have some money saved up, I don't think it'd be the best idea to just ditch a few thousand dollars. There's always the option of me just leaving without paying my share of rent but I'd feel guilty leaving my ex's sister on the hook/getting evicted when she didn't do anything.

 

What to do other than focus on career though? When I'm working, it's tough and I need to not think about it when I'm not at work. I'm usually a rock-solid stable person who doesn't get knocked over by events but this is one of the excecptions.

[brokenknight]

Today's been really hard. Several times I found myself picking up my phone only to realize that I don't have anyone to text the dumb things that I would have with my ex.

 

I'm on the tipping point of breaking NC. Can someone convince me not to (or to)?

[Itspointless]

Why don't you skype, text via whatsapp or hangouts with family and old friends? There are enough ways to keep distant people close to you. Me and my friends use hangouts a lot. There are also people in it who moved as far as you did.

 

Stay strong buddy.