DazedandConfused8 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Mini-rant time (with the opportunity for feedback from everyone of course) I've noticed a lot of women lately who are just horrible at having online conversations. I don't mean to stereotype, because there have been some really good conversations, but the majority of those who I'm talking to just seem to have no skills whatsoever. (Basic) example: Me: Hey, how are you? Them: Good Me: How was your Christmas and New Year's? Them: Good Me: What do you do for work? Them: I'm a cashier At this point I usually just get frustrated and a) stop messaging them altogether; or b) wait a few days and try again to see if they were just having a bad day. The only way a conversation WORKS is if there's reciprocation and mutual interest. And I would assume there's mutual interest and attraction; otherwise why would you be conversing in the first place? Why aren't you answering what I'm asking you and asking me a question? Why aren't you reciprocating interest while I am? Am I missing something here? Are they just expecting me to skip the small talk and work into asking them to meet/go for coffee? Are they just hoping I'll go away? Thoughts welcomed!
Danda Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 We're generally told that we need to let you guys chase us, because otherwise the risk is too high that (A) We'll scare you away with our "emasculating" behaviors. (B) You'll use us for easy sex and then bail. © Any relationship will be lukewarm at best because you were never that interested, but you had no better options at the time and just settled for us. I think some women take this too far and will want you to pursue hardcore without any green lights, to 'prove' that you really do want them. I've seen posts from guys saying they went out on a date with a gal but the attraction (usually physical) just "wasn't there". While that might be disappointing for the men, disappointing would be an understatement for how the women feel when they realize they liked you but you were just too "meh" about them. So they generally want to make sure your interest level is way above "meh" before they even think about investing any hope or excitement in you. So yes, she wants you to just ask her out already. She is responding. She wouldn't be wasting her time doing that if she saw 0 potential in you at all. Be bold, tell her what you liked about her profile, make small talk to see how receptive she is and then ask her out on a date. If she never responds or says no, move on. If she says yes, cool. It's just one of those things taken too far much of the time. Think of it as the female version of PUA advice, and then gone wrong lol. 2
Rydo Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If you are getting no conversation from someone online it's because they aren't really interested and just like having a little chat with minimal effort til someone they are interested messages them. im sure there are a few exceptions.
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I remember not long ago coming across a man online that only answered my questions and never commented, added details, or asked me questions. He just answered the basic. After that one way conversation I sent a last message in which I thanked him for his time, that now that I knew everything about him I was gonna go off line and if ever he felt like knowing something about me I would answer his questions. It took the guy by surprise lol He apologized and said he had not noticed and offered to talk on the phone. We did, it was an instant connection, we met twice then he did something stupid and I ended it but that's another story. All this to tell you it's ok sometimes to shake people a little and get a reaction. 3
doeblin Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (Basic) example: Me: Hey, how are you? Them: Good Me: How was your Christmas and New Year's? Them: Good Me: What do you do for work? Them: I'm a cashier I know this is only an example, but this sounds like a generic interview... no fun, no character. You should ask more interesting questions and maybe offer up some stuff about yourself. However... I've learned to ask them out ASAP, that way you can filter out the ones who are truly interested. Vis-a-vis communication is so much better. 4
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 We're generally told that we need to let you guys chase us, because otherwise the risk is too high that (A) We'll scare you away with our "emasculating" behaviors. (B) You'll use us for easy sex and then bail. © Any relationship will be lukewarm at best because you were never that interested, but you had no better options at the time and just settled for us. I think some women take this too far and will want you to pursue hardcore without any green lights, to 'prove' that you really do want them. All of this is reasonable, but (I would think) there should be reciprocation; isn't the guy sitting at the other end asking himself the same questions and feeling the same unease (what if? questions, outcomes, possibilities of x, y, and z). If a guy was giving a girl one-word responses, wouldn't she feel put off by him? I've seen posts from guys saying they went out on a date with a gal but the attraction (usually physical) just "wasn't there". While that might be disappointing for the men, disappointing would be an understatement for how the women feel when they realize they liked you but you were just too "meh" about them. So they've already made the "I like him" commitment before meeting him in person? So they generally want to make sure your interest level is way above "meh" before they even think about investing any hope or excitement in you. Wouldn't this just result in fake online emotions to get to the next stage?
Satu Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I was going to to say, "Good," but you have to use at least ten characters. 1
Ann253 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I had similar experiences with men and OLD. It was how I weeded through the emails. If they couldn't communicate through messaging I just moved on to the next. 1
toscaroscura Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Yes! Believe me this goes both ways. The last guy I dated was very sweet but his conversational skills sucked. All he wanted to talk about were mundane things, his dog, etc. I'd throw out conversations and he'd just sort of let them drop. Very frustrating. 1
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 However... I've learned to ask them out ASAP, that way you can filter out the ones who are truly interested. Vis-a-vis communication is so much better. This seems to be the opposite of what other women have suggested though. Their reasoning has been that you should talk online for at least 3 days/a week/two long conversations and then speak on the phone for a bit before actually meeting in person. So where's the line drawn?
Satu Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 This is my hierarchy of preferred communication methods: 1. Face to face. 2. Skype video. 3. Telephone. 4. Email. 5 Text/Chat. 6. Morse Code. 7. Smoke signals. 8. Screaming into a vacuum. 9. Silence. I'm getting better at 8 and 9, I think. 4
Danda Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 All of this is reasonable, but (I would think) there should be reciprocation; isn't the guy sitting at the other end asking himself the same questions and feeling the same unease (what if? questions, outcomes, possibilities of x, y, and z). If a guy was giving a girl one-word responses, wouldn't she feel put off by him? So they've already made the "I like him" commitment before meeting him in person? Wouldn't this just result in fake online emotions to get to the next stage? No it's not reasonable, is what I'm trying to say hehe, but many of them probably believe it is because they are trying to follow 'rules' that 'work' just as many men try to do. Modern dating almost has no rules and so women can wind up just as lost and perplexed as men can. Yes most women would be put-off by one word responses, but then we would take that as he's not pursuing us and so we should move on, he must just be bored or not have better options or something. But because women are NOT the expected pursuers, we are often lead to believe that we need to let men do ALL of the pursuing when in reality a little give and take is a good thing, IMO. And no, I meant they went on a date, liked him from what they gathered about him from the first date, and then he fades out because he didn't find her attractive enough. Of course if she had misleading pics then it was her fault, but sometimes it's because the guy was just settling and desperate and asked out a gal he found mediocre at best. It actually happens a lot. And yes a manipulative guy could fake a higher level of interest than he really feels. There is always the risk that someone is manipulating you, whether you're man or woman. But I meant outside of unfortunate scenarios with slimy people.
Danda Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 This seems to be the opposite of what other women have suggested though. Their reasoning has been that you should talk online for at least 3 days/a week/two long conversations and then speak on the phone for a bit before actually meeting in person. So where's the line drawn? There are typically two type of advice that will be coming at you: 1. This is what we are supposed to say. 2. This is how we really feel. Doesn't just apply to women in dating, applies to pretty much all humans everywhere in all situations. After 30-60 minutes of chatting us up, I'd say in over 90% of cases we already know if we would say yes or no to a request for a date from you. We've scouted out your profile, we've gathered what we can about you from text-format communication. There is no much else for you to do or say to win us over, although from there on out DO run the risk of blundering your chances if she takes something the wrong way. That's why it's best to just chat it up for a bit and then go for it, not draw it out for days.
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 No it's not reasonable, is what I'm trying to say hehe, but many of them probably believe it is because they are trying to follow 'rules' that 'work' just as many men try to do. Modern dating almost has no rules and so women can wind up just as lost and perplexed as men can. Yes most women would be put-off by one word responses, but then we would take that as he's not pursuing us and so we should move on, he must just be bored or not have better options or something. But because women are NOT the expected pursuers, we are often lead to believe that we need to let men do ALL of the pursuing when in reality a little give and take is a good thing, IMO. Then how do you turn this on its head and make women act normal?
thecrucible Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Danda has some wise thoughts... Like other women, I was burnt early on by guys taking advantage of my obvious romantic interest in them. So I have learnt to step back and be on alert for guys that are either acting 'just not that into you'; only in it for an easy lay or are settling for me because I make myself too available. I used to take this too far and maybe not to be too talkative. Now I trust my own boundaries more which consequently makes me open up more than I did when I didn't trust myself (I do this because I'm confident enough that if a guy doesn't respond to that, he is not worth my time). Some women might find it harder to open up. I know she is not asking you questions back. Maybe you could tell her more about you, and see if she reciprocates by asking you questions. You could also steer the conversation away from generic topics which may come across as boring and ask her more about what sort of stuff she does for fun - that might take it a bit further than small talk. It could also give you a way into a possible date (if you share interests, it could lead to the suggestion of a date spot). 1
Danda Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Then how do you turn this on its head and make women act normal? What is normal? And changing people, let alone changing all of society in one glorious swoop, aint happening. So it's usually best to just come up with approaches and personal mechanisms for protecting yourself and navigating the sea, so to speak. I mean, back in the day, if a man brazenly tried to get in a woman's pants during the first date, he'd probably get slapped. Now many, many men expect sex very early on, without any commitment, and many even feel entitled to it. Instead of trying to figure out how to "fix" men, or instead of hating all men everywhere, we gals just have to try to come up with methods of trying to avoid getting used for sex and then left on the side of the emotional road. Then back in the day, men actually had to approach and talk to women, have decent social skills and ask them out in person. These days many men are horrified to even ask a girl out via a text message. How do we get men to go back to being "normal"? You feelin me? We just have to empathize with each other over the uncertainty and chaos that is modern dating, communicate really well and not give up on each other as genders. In person if I thought a guy seemed interested but was too nervous to ask me out, I would be able to understand that, and I would start flashing big green lights at him to give him the confidence he needs. If he still doesn't ask me out then I'm moving on. On OLD, if a woman seems very aloof and cautious about talking with you, understand that there are often other possible reasons than her having a crap personality or not thinking you're "good enough". So ask her questions that require more than one word to answer, help her out a bit, and then ask her out. If she says no or doesn't respond, then move on.
shet Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 This isn't a women thing, it's a people thing - and IMO and age thing. I've noticed it too, don't get me wrong. A third to half of people I talk to online via whatever means, even if not a dating thing, simply can't converse. They're dullards. You use every tool at your disposal to get them to engage and they don't, because they can't. What they do online all day I don't know, because they aren't talking to people. And it's nearly always the young doing it. Those under 25. These are the same generation who only use the internet to post inane comments on other people's content and celeb trash. They have no spark whatsoever. I think it's just a reflection of how many ****ing boring people there are out there. We've all met them IRL too. But at least there they can animate their faces and bodies.
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 ask more open-ended questions like "What are your interests?" And then if you get a one-word answer, she's just an idiot.
samaraa Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If I had a dime for every blasé "how are you," "how was your day" I received. Sometimes the conversation went nowhere, even when I was friendly and responsive. I finally decided to mostly ignore or give blasé responses to blasé questions. Maybe harsh, but I received a lot of messages and couldn't entertain them all. I recommend being a bit more eccentric or bold to capture a lady's attention, and give her the impression you're genuinely interested versus just fishing around for anyone. Maybe ask about something specific from her profile--one of her hobbies or interests, maybe discuss an interest you share. Personally, I didn't like question after question conversations, because although you might feel you're showing genuine interest, I felt it was a bit impersonal & that the guy wasn't giving much effort-- just listing questions while I did the talking. If you're trying and the other party doesn't chime in at some point, forget about it. And yeah, some people are just poor conversationalists.
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