Fiction86 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Hi this is my first post. I am having problems with my boyfriend in the bedroom department. We have been together just under a year and we are really in love, we live together and it's really worked out. However only 5 months into our relationship he was diagnosed with depression and put on medication, this has really affected his sex drive. He just doesn't seem interested in it anymore, he never initiates it. When I first got with him he would want it night and morning and during the day, He would masturbate 3-4 times a day to porn as well as want sex with me, I asked him if it affects his desire for sex and he said it doesn't at all. He suggested I go on the pill so we could have more pleasurable sex, he said he won't be able to get his hands off me once I do, so I went to the doctors and went on the pill. Now I'm lucky if We have sex once a week, I'm always the one initiating it. I get many different excuses, he's tired, his job is stressing him out, he wants to watch a film. I know he enjoys our sex and tells me how much I turn him on, he tells me i'm really sexy and he's lucky to have me. I have brought up this discussion quite a few times now and he always explains that his medication is really affecting his desire for sex, that it isn't me, how could it be because I'm extremely beautiful, he says he has never ever had this problem before in a relationship and ever since going on the meds it's numbed his life. Yet he watches porn. He told me he doesn't watch it as much as he used to, which from what he told me when we first met, was 4 times a day. The other night I out my hand near his crotch and he pushed me away saying he's not well and not to do that. I went to bed early because I was tired, I woke up a little bit later and went downstairs to get a drink, I walked into the living room to find him masturbating to porn with his head phones in, I went mad at him and asked him why he was doing that when I wanted to go near him earlier and he refused me, he said porn is just a quick fix and he's just not been in the mood for sex, he said it's not me and he can't explain it. I asked him how many times he does it behind my back and he said not very much. Yet I looked through his history on his internet and it showed that he had visited the porn site 4 times in the last 7 days. He lied to me. Great. Makes me resent him! I really don't know what to do, I'm becoming consumed with this problem, I can't get if off my mind. It's getting to a point where I don't want to leave for work and leave him at home because I feel like he will just relieve himself and not want sex. I've said a few times that's the reason he isn't interested in me but he denies it. He wants to go back the doctors and maybe go off the meds or lower his dosage. But I cannot understand how he has no sex drive for me and yet can masturbate no problem? I know it's not me as he used to masturbate 4 times a day when we first for together and with his exes he was sex mad. So what should I do?! How do I sort this out because it's making me depressed, I've brought the subject up that much that it's getting silly now. I know how much he loves me, he wants to be together forever yet I'm scared for our future if this is how things are right now. I honestly feel like coming off the pill because I'm protecting myself against what, one night of sex a week?! he said it's up to me if I come off it and looked sad when I said that. I've no idea what to think. Edited January 7, 2015 by Fiction86
darkmoon Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) you might get pregnant stay on the pill, go with him to the doctors the doc will tell you both what to expect, meds usually put a man a bit, or more than a bit, impotent, which is a huge shame for a guy, if his nob is soft scared for your future? do not argue with him, it will keep him turned off Edited January 7, 2015 by darkmoon
Gloria25 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I don't think the meds are the issue cuz he still gets aroused and orgasmed by porn. Time for a sex therapist. The sex therapist will not only help with giving you two ways to enjoy non-porn sex (cuz he physically may be used to the porn over real sex...that will take work to change), the sex therapist will get to the root as to why he prefers sex alone (i.e. avoiding intimacy, molestation, unrealistic expectations that porn satisfies - like DD breasts). Masturbation is easy. No performance anxiety, fantasies get indulged, and you can avoid real intimacy. None of us know why your bf prefers the porn over a person...hopefully the sex therapist can find out why and give him tools to learn to have sex with a real person.
Author Fiction86 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Gloria25, I am confused because he has had many sexualPartners before me and has never had problems having sex, he has been very sex mad and has admitted he feels less of a man for not being as into sex anymore. This HAS been an issue since he started the meds, honestly before that he wanted sex with me day and night and complained if I didn't want it wondering if I'd gone off him, seriously I miss the days when it used to be me turning him down! When I first met him he told me he loves porn but it honestly never affected our intimacy UNTIL he went on these meds. I can't understand it, it can't be the porn if it never affected us before, from what I know (he's in his 30s) he's been a porn user since being about 14. Why now? Why would it affect his sex life now? :-(
preraph Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 If he gave a crap about your relationship, he'd do what needs to be done and completely stop watching porn until he gets himself back on track. Porn addiction is a very real thing that can make you sexually dysfunctional with real people sex. 2
Author Fiction86 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 You really think it's addiction? I told him he's addicted to it and he laughed it off saying it's ridiculous. He used it before he met me, never had problems, from as far as I know he's always been a massive user of it but it's never affected his sex life before.
TheGuard13 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Beyond basic issues, like attraction and addiction, does it really matter WHY he's not having sex with you? He's not having sex with you. That's the issue, isn't it? Talk to him. Raise serious concerns. If he's not responsive and doesn't do something to fix the situation ASAP, I would say it's time to decide whether you can live without sex, or whether its time to move on.
Danda Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Is he taking an SSRI? That type of medication can absolutely dull one's libido and genital sensitivity. When I was put on an SSRI (before they realized I had bipolar disorder and not clinical depression) the sexual side effects were severe for me and gave me outright inorgasmia. Initially it was just very difficult to orgasm, took much longer and a lot of stimulation and focus. Eventually as the medication built up in my system I completely lost my libido and my ability to orgasm. It was horrible. Sexual side effects like that are unfortunately very common with SSRI medications, which are typically used to treat depression. So it's very possible that with where he is at right now with the medication building in his system, he can only orgasm to some very hardcore porn while beating himself off almost violently. Do you actually SEE his ejaculate when he has sex with you, or does he simply tell you he came? Even then his libido could still be much lower than it was before. How bad does his depression get if he's not on medication? Suicidal? Can't get out of bed? If he as severe, genuine clinical depression that this is going to be a battle for the rest of his life, sadly. But if he was simply feeling 'down' and unmotivated or whatever, I highly recommend him considering going off of the SSRI. The side effects (and the withdrawal if he ever quits them after a long time of taking them) are too high a price to pay IMO when the person simply has a 'case of the blues' and not full-on suicidal can't-even-function depression. There are many other holistic ways and lifestyle changes that can improve mental/emotional health if the illness isn't too severe. But if he does have severe legit clinical depression and really does need medication, please understand that yes it does commonly affect one's sexuality in very negative ways. You will have to decide if you can handle a relationship where sex is minimal and you're always the aggressor, or if you need to leave sooner rather than later to avoid it being more painful when you inevitably go. 1
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I've heard some (granted tv type) psychologists say it's the fastest growing addiction or problem area. I know for a fact it is an addiction and that it can debilitate you sexually because in the very earliest days of internet a computer pioneer friend of mine had this problem and talked to me about it. They get too used to doing it in the same order with their favorite type and they have to put forth zero effort and then they get that routine going and have trouble doing it out of order and not doing the crap you see in porn made strictly to men's taste and they have to get used to the spontaneity and get used to making an effort because real sex is nothing like porn sex. Doing all the work and then getting a slime facial for their trouble doesn't do it for most women. All he'd have to do is totally lay off porn for probably 2-4 weeks and he'd be back on track. Tell him "or else."
BlueIris Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You really think it's addiction? I told him he's addicted to it and he laughed it off saying it's ridiculous. He used it before he met me, never had problems, from as far as I know he's always been a massive user of it but it's never affected his sex life before. This TedTalk video is pretty eye-opening:
ktya Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 fiction86 try initiating sex sometimes, but not too much. i was in that situation as the guy and it was mostly because the girl made me do the foreplay, the massage, the 30 bloody minutes it took to just get her clothes off every single time. i dont mind that sometimes, I still enjoy it but sometimes a quick bang is all you need and with porn you can get the job done in a few minutes. i have also been with girls who initiated way too much, interupting me when I was busy almost to make themselves feel like they were more important than whatever I was doing. Dont do that. Guys love sex. Try getting some sexy clothes like lingerie and only putting it on when your hot and ready and keeping it to when you really want it. Try being a bit more experimental, anal sex or blow jobs or whatever is just a little outside of your comfort zone. My ex did the same routine over and over again and it got so boring sex sucked. I'd try to try new things even not super just like sitting on a peice of plastic in bed with baby oil to slurp around and she'd reject me for the same old routine. Eventually I turned to porn and really, I would have much rather if she just wanted to try something new. Dont be afraid. Sex, in all its incarnations is beautiful. If you give him anal sex once in a blue moon for example, he will adore you for it, especially if you tell him you dont particularly love it but you do it just for him. Or go down for him and choke and gag until you puke all over his feet. He'll know you just adore him and that it cant be that enjoyable. He will reciprocate and do what us men do, which is sit down there and lick what often smells like fish and tastes like chicken for an hour and a half and makes us feel like we're trapped in the bilge of a chinese restaurant. But we love it and we love your moaning and groaning and pleasure all the same.
Author Fiction86 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Is he taking an SSRI? That type of medication can absolutely dull one's libido and genital sensitivity. When I was put on an SSRI (before they realized I had bipolar disorder and not clinical depression) the sexual side effects were severe for me and gave me outright inorgasmia. Initially it was just very difficult to orgasm, took much longer and a lot of stimulation and focus. Eventually as the medication built up in my system I completely lost my libido and my ability to orgasm. It was horrible. Sexual side effects like that are unfortunately very common with SSRI medications, which are typically used to treat depression. So it's very possible that with where he is at right now with the medication building in his system, he can only orgasm to some very hardcore porn while beating himself off almost violently. Do you actually SEE his ejaculate when he has sex with you, or does he simply tell you he came? Even then his libido could still be much lower than it was before. How bad does his depression get if he's not on medication? Suicidal? Can't get out of bed? If he as severe, genuine clinical depression that this is going to be a battle for the rest of his life, sadly. But if he was simply feeling 'down' and unmotivated or whatever, I highly recommend him considering going off of the SSRI. The side effects (and the withdrawal if he ever quits them after a long time of taking them) are too high a price to pay IMO when the person simply has a 'case of the blues' and not full-on suicidal can't-even-function depression. There are many other holistic ways and lifestyle changes that can improve mental/emotional health if the illness isn't too severe. But if he does have severe legit clinical depression and really does need medication, please understand that yes it does commonly affect one's sexuality in very negative ways. You will have to decide if you can handle a relationship where sex is minimal and you're always the aggressor, or if you need to leave sooner rather than later to avoid it being more painful when you inevitably go. Danda his depression IS more severe than I'm actually making out. He's on anti psychotics. He doesn't watch anything freaky from what I saw in the internet history, it was mainly blow job facials and boobs...nothing freaky. Thing is I'm very very experimental and I do things he loves and I have given him anal (which I really found uncomfortable) I keep telling him I want to try new things and I have tried to initiate spontaneous sex a few times on the couch, on the stairs or wherever but he always shoots me down and says "later in bed" it always has to take place in bed later after we have finished our evening of TV or the pub. He tells me I'm explosive in bed and he does come really fast with me, he tells me he can't help how quick he comes because I'm so attractive. He tells me he loves sex with me and porn isn't a replacement (this was one of our discussions about it) he said I shouldn't feel like it's me because I'm sexy and our sex is mind blowing so why would he not want it? He's upset that these anti psychotics numb his life. I suppose it would help if I explained that when he hasn't taken them he is depressed, goes into extreme mood swings, falls out with me over the littlest of things, but then regrets it in the morning. I know most of you think it's porn addiction, but he had been watching it way before he met me in all his past relationships. It's got to be the meds, can using your hand stimulate yourself better than sex? Ktya, I am experiential as I can be. I wear sexy underwear for him in bed, I've offered a blow job and told him not to worry if he feels selfish because I want to give him pleasure.
SolG Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Danda his depression IS more severe than I'm actually making out. He's on anti psychotics. He doesn't watch anything freaky from what I saw in the internet history, it was mainly blow job facials and boobs...nothing freaky. Thing is I'm very very experimental and I do things he loves and I have given him anal (which I really found uncomfortable) I keep telling him I want to try new things and I have tried to initiate spontaneous sex a few times on the couch, on the stairs or wherever but he always shoots me down and says "later in bed" it always has to take place in bed later after we have finished our evening of TV or the pub. He tells me I'm explosive in bed and he does come really fast with me, he tells me he can't help how quick he comes because I'm so attractive. He tells me he loves sex with me and porn isn't a replacement (this was one of our discussions about it) he said I shouldn't feel like it's me because I'm sexy and our sex is mind blowing so why would he not want it? He's upset that these anti psychotics numb his life. I suppose it would help if I explained that when he hasn't taken them he is depressed, goes into extreme mood swings, falls out with me over the littlest of things, but then regrets it in the morning. I know most of you think it's porn addiction, but he had been watching it way before he met me in all his past relationships. It's got to be the meds, can using your hand stimulate yourself better than sex Fiction, severe depression is exhausting. And as he says, the medication can be really numbing; it's like your whole spectrum of emotion and sensation is truncated. The real lows are dulled, but so are the highs. Can you imagine being both exhausted and numb and what that might do to your sexual expression? For some the effect is like being able to see something you know that you really, really want... but not having the emotional or physical resources available to be able to be able to pursue it. Like wanting an eight course degustation meal with matching wines... but going through the take away drive through because you know you're not up pursuing and having the meal you really want. This may be what's happening with you and your bf. He desires and wants you... but at this stage in the treatment of his mental illness, he's just not able to pursue actual sex with you. Masturbation on the other hand is an easy quick fix he's been doing for years that takes no thought or effort and provides some relief; like a sexual happy meal. This may be just as confusing and disconcerting for him as it is for you. Before jumping on the porn addiction bandwagon, see if he's open to you and he seeing his mental health professional together to discuss his condition and medication, yours and his concerns, and how you can work on it together. Mental health management is usually much more successful if the significant others are included. Good luck!
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You have been together for under a year, and for the past 7 months he has been taking meds which means he isn't interested in sex with you yet relieves himself regularly on porn sites, even after you offered him sex on a plate. It is OK for some to say porn and masturbation is easier, but is it really when you were all ready for him? The problem here is that he is not really considering your feelings in this matter. I realise he is depressed, but he is not so depressed that he cannot get himself down to the computer and masturbate over porn, is he? He is being a bit selfish here, this cannot all be blamed on his illness. Shooting you down everytime you try and initiate is soul destroying. Your confidence will have taken a big hit and that is not good for your mental state either. You also need to consider the implications of staying long term with someone who "is depressed, goes into extreme mood swings, falls out with me over the littlest of things, but then regrets it in the morning." - that will eventually send you crazy too. Relationships are not easy, this relationship sounds a bit like hell wrapped up in "oh, but he is depressed". You seriously need to consider why you are still with him. This is a very new relationship, I am not sure why you need to stay here, if your needs are not being met sexually and he is bringing you down at the same time. His depression is obviously pretty serious if he is on anti psychotics, so this will likely be a long term issue. You are not obliged to "save" him. If you had been together a long time I would be suggesting you stick with him, but after under a year, and considering the long term implications of living with an unstable man, I would advise that you get out now, I doubt that things will really improve. Sorry. 2
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Danda his depression IS more severe than I'm actually making out. He's on anti psychotics. He doesn't watch anything freaky from what I saw in the internet history, it was mainly blow job facials and boobs...nothing freaky. Thing is I'm very very experimental and I do things he loves and I have given him anal (which I really found uncomfortable) I keep telling him I want to try new things and I have tried to initiate spontaneous sex a few times on the couch, on the stairs or wherever but he always shoots me down and says "later in bed" it always has to take place in bed later after we have finished our evening of TV or the pub. He tells me I'm explosive in bed and he does come really fast with me, he tells me he can't help how quick he comes because I'm so attractive. He tells me he loves sex with me and porn isn't a replacement (this was one of our discussions about it) he said I shouldn't feel like it's me because I'm sexy and our sex is mind blowing so why would he not want it? He's upset that these anti psychotics numb his life. I suppose it would help if I explained that when he hasn't taken them he is depressed, goes into extreme mood swings, falls out with me over the littlest of things, but then regrets it in the morning. I know most of you think it's porn addiction, but he had been watching it way before he met me in all his past relationships. It's got to be the meds, can using your hand stimulate yourself better than sex? Ktya, I am experiential as I can be. I wear sexy underwear for him in bed, I've offered a blow job and told him not to worry if he feels selfish because I want to give him pleasure. It isn't about you. That's the problem. You can't fix it. He has to stop porn. It's not his depression if he's still able to masturbate. 2
SomeDude16 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 As others have said I think it's the med's. I think from what you described his sex drive has been affected and he is self conscious about it. I think he feels bad about it and doesn't want to admit or acknowledge it is being influenced, thus he masturbates not out of desire but out of security. He think if he masturbates he will still have some sort of semblance of sexual activity and keep what he percieves as his "manhood". My guess is he's a pretty independent person? Likes to initiate things himself and have control, typical "manly" type? 1
Priv Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) So sad a lot of posters jump on the anti-porn bandwagon while neglecting the depression and moreso the AD. It is beyond well known both of these have a severely negative impact on libido and sexual performance. I hope I never end up with a partner leaving at the slightest bump in the road without any empathy or understanding whatsoever. Jeez Believe him when he tells you the occasional porn is a quick fix. It is nowhere near actual sex. Besides that he used to watch it 4 times a day and than still having sex with you, he is now on 4 times a week which we know due to your snooping around and sex with you once a week. He is only having 15% of his regular sexual activity, porn and real sex wise. In my mind watching porn 15% of what you used to is indeed not very much. So can't see the lie either. Point being, addicts tend to increase their drug of choice, not lessen it to a tenth of their usual amount. And there is not a single psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor going to to disagree with me here. It is the drugs. Nothing else... Edited January 8, 2015 by Priv 2
Gloria25 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You have been together for under a year, and for the past 7 months he has been taking meds which means he isn't interested in sex with you yet relieves himself regularly on porn sites, even after you offered him sex on a plate. It is OK for some to say porn and masturbation is easier, but is it really when you were all ready for him? The problem here is that he is not really considering your feelings in this matter. I realise he is depressed, but he is not so depressed that he cannot get himself down to the computer and masturbate over porn, is he? He is being a bit selfish here, this cannot all be blamed on his illness. Shooting you down everytime you try and initiate is soul destroying. Your confidence will have taken a big hit and that is not good for your mental state either. You also need to consider the implications of staying long term with someone who "is depressed, goes into extreme mood swings, falls out with me over the littlest of things, but then regrets it in the morning." - that will eventually send you crazy too. Relationships are not easy, this relationship sounds a bit like hell wrapped up in "oh, but he is depressed". You seriously need to consider why you are still with him. This is a very new relationship, I am not sure why you need to stay here, if your needs are not being met sexually and he is bringing you down at the same time. His depression is obviously pretty serious if he is on anti psychotics, so this will likely be a long term issue. You are not obliged to "save" him. If you had been together a long time I would be suggesting you stick with him, but after under a year, and considering the long term implications of living with an unstable man, I would advise that you get out now, I doubt that things will really improve. Sorry. Agreed... We have a responsibility to bring our "best selves" into a RL and the OPs bf has some serious issues that make him "not available" to date anyone and from what the OP has posted, appears the bf likes it the way it is. Also, sexual issues aside, don't see how the OP could have a future with someone who is so depressed they gotta be put on heavy meds. The OP is not this guy's wife. They only have been dating several months and these ginormous red flags have emerged...But, she's tried to work with him and he doesn't want to do anything about it. Sex is important in any RL. If one partner keeps on rejecting you, that sucks. Again, I recommend the sex therapist...if he doesn't wanna adjust the meds or see the sex therapist, then the OP has to decide if a sexless RL is one she wants to be in.
hotpotato Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If hes watching porn, his libido isnt being affected that much. However, some men will tire themselves with porn. Op, is that what you want to live with? Dump him and run away ...fast... Op, ive btdt. I had a man who would leave me in the bed so he could watch porn but couldnt find energy to have sex with me. He told me he was depressed. He feigned having a irritable male syndrome. It was always something, some reason he fould to not have sex with me. I found out he basically had a part time job watching porn. I wouldnt be surprised if yours was doing the same. Dont waste anymore time with that foo (same advuce people gave to me but I wouldnt listen). He was having sex with you in the beginning because you were new. Hes already had x with you, now he wants other women. The porn is more exciting than you. Im not saying youre unattractive. Im saying he has a short attention span regarding sex. After a year of dating, hes tired of having sex with you. Really let that sink in. It doesnt mater what you do he doesnt. want you. sexually
Priv Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 If hes watching porn, his libido isnt being affected that much. However, some men will tire themselves with porn. Op, is that what you want to live with? Dump him and run away ...fast... Yet I just showed you his porn watching behaviour is less than 15% of what it used to be. His libido is affected a HUGE amount. I think your past experiences, however unfortunate, are very much clouding your judgement here.
Priv Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 We have a responsibility to bring our "best selves" into a RL and the OPs bf has some serious issues that make him "not available" to date anyone and from what the OP has posted, appears the bf likes it the way it is. Also, sexual issues aside, don't see how the OP could have a future with someone who is so depressed they gotta be put on heavy meds. One in four Americans suffer from a mental illness in any given year. Key word here being 'in any given year'. In any relationship the stats are very much not in your favor that your partner or you will never have a mental illness. That said, not to scare you (ok maybe a little ) women are about twice as likely to develop major depression as men. Though having read from some of your other posts I don't think you treat relationships that 'throw away'. But it is food for thought. That said. Sure, OP is allowed to leave. Everyone always is... But in my mind she is not allowed to make him feel even more guilty than he probably already feels in this condition. 2
hotpotato Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Yet I just showed you his porn watching behaviour is less than 15% of what it used to be. His libido is affected a HUGE amount. I think your past experiences, however unfortunate, are very much clouding your judgement here. Tip of the iceberg Why should she put so much effort into someone who doesnt want to have sex wifh her but will masturbate? Relationship is new, and they are already having heavyweight problems. People get dumped over a lot less.
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 You can't say it's the meds OR any other disorder if the only person he can't have sex with is her! His parts are working fine for porn. 1
hotpotato Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Agreed... We have a responsibility to bring our "best selves" into a RL and the OPs bf has some serious issues that make him "not available" to date anyone and from what the OP has posted, appears the bf likes it the way it is. Also, sexual issues aside, don't see how the OP could have a future with someone who is so depressed they gotta be put on heavy meds. The OP is not this guy's wife. They only have been dating several months and these ginormous red flags have emerged...But, she's tried to work with him and he doesn't want to do anything about it. Sex is important in any RL. If one partner keeps on rejecting you, that sucks. Again, I recommend the sex therapist...if he doesn't wanna adjust the meds or see the sex therapist, then the OP has to decide if a sexless RL is one she wants to be in. Exactly...
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