ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 My therapist believes I have been suffering from moderate depression for years, and have recently developed a more severe case. I can't say she is wrong. I can't believe I've lived so long feeling the way I have without seeking help. I knew I wasn't happy, that my thought process was flawed, that I had shut down for long periods of time. I wonder what my life could have been had I sought help sooner. I have a responsibility to myself and to my daughter to get myself right. It is such a wicked disease, forcing you to wage a war against yourself, a constant battle being fought in your own head. But I can't escape my own mind. And the only person I want to share any of it with, is my Ex, who is slowly falling in love with someone else. Shes the only real emotional attachment I've ever had. If only I could have talked to her before, been more open. But I withdrew, isolated myself because of the depression. I couldn't help it. Since I didn't recognize my disease it cost me my family. Realizing it now, seeking the help now is too late. It already cost me so much. It cost me her, and while I can still save myself for my daughter, even her life won't ever be the same, what it could have been. All because I didn't seek help soon enough. Maybe things would have ended anyway, but I'll never know. I should have known something was wrong with me a long ago. I know a lot of us on here go to therapy, and I commend each of you for doing so. I truly believe it can save your life. If you are struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to anyone. I know that is why we all come to this forum, to reach out in a way, but please continue to do so and to your loved ones.
ruhrohcd Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I felt guilty for not getting help any sooner as well, but I've gradually eased up on myself. If you've been a certain way all of your life, that is your normal. How were you to know that your normal is not typical? We all have a subjective view of the world. I thought I had a pessimistic personality. And getting help is no guarantee that things will go well. My domestic partner just walked out on me even though I've been going to therapy and taking medication for a very long time. The simple fact is that many people simply don't understand or don't care to understand mental health issues. I've started trying to figure out why I do the "if I had only..." thing. My therapist thinks it's because it distracts from the pain I'm feeling. Quite possibly the case. I also think it's because it's a way of punishing myself by pretending that I could have controlled what the outcome was, that I was the one who caused another person to leave, to stay, to love me, to not love me anymore. I'm gradually accepting that there was no way I could have ever done the "right" things to make my life turn out exactly how I wish it had. None of us has that level of control. Find what you can control, and work on that. The rest of it is a distraction and vanity.
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