ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Hello all, I am just looking for your opinions in why my boyfriend hasn't told me he is in love with me after 9 months of dating and living together. He shows me he loves me through his actions every day. He treats me like a princess, takes care of me in more ways that I could ask. We moved in together 6 months ago and it has been great! I just got a kitty and he refers to it as "our" kitty even though he doesn't like cats. He took me home to the other side of the country to meet his family for Christmas, they were so excited because apparently he hasn't brought many girls home and hasn't in several years... I KNOW he loves me, but is his definition of love different from mine? I just don't know why he hasn't told me. I am nervous to say it first because of possible rejection, plus, he is a gentleman old-school kind of guy and I think he would want to be the first one to say it anyway. He says "ily" to his family on the phone so I know he doesn't have a complex with saying it. I know it's just words and actions are greater than words, but you must cross the line sometime. What do you guys suggest? He's 34.
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Also, it is not uncommon for him to talk about our future together very casually.. He is looking to buy a house and refers to it as "our house" involving me in his search process. I am just so confused.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 What? Why did you move in together if you aren't saying I love you? Moving in after 3 months -- a whopping 90 days -- doesn't sound like the brightest idea. The fact that his actions are telling you that he loves you is a good sign. Since you have already moved in, you have a pet together, you have flown across country to meet his family, I am at a loss as to why you are too scared to say ILY first. For all of the other positives in your relationship, this fear / insecurity makes no sense to me. If you trust him with everything else, be brave. If he still doesn't say it back you may need to consider other options
mammasita Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 HOLY CRAP! You're questioning this NOW after you moved in with him after only dating for 3 months? Usually, you know you're in love and say it to each other before you move in together - even better - you're engaged. I mean, you might be lucky and he really is in love with you, odds sound like they might be in your favor - but dang.......You really don't even know each other at this point.
Assada Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Fact is OP hasnt said "I love you" either. so... Ask yourself the same questions 1
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 We moved in together because my intuition was telling me it was the right thing to do, and I don't regret it, it has been wonderful. Anyway guys, please try to focus on the actual issue of this thread I know it's different for you guys, it's different for me too. I don't know what to do. And I haven't said it because like I said before 1 - I am nervous 2 - he is a traditional guy and I should give him a chance to say it first when he is ready.. Maybe he is the type of guy that doesn't say it until he is ready to propose, I don't know. I just don't know, and wouldn't be asking for hell if I really didn't feel clueless.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Just be the brave one. You can't keep living & stressing without knowing. 3
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Everybody comes from different backgrounds and something that may seem inexplicably inappropriate to one person can perfectly suit another.. Please instead of judging, pretend we did not move in together. I am here with only positive motifs, asking for help and support, not judgement.. Thank you. 1
mammasita Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Everybody comes from different backgrounds and something that may seem inexplicably inappropriate to one person can perfectly suit another.. Please instead of judging, pretend we did not move in together. I am here with only positive motifs, asking for help and support, not judgement.. Thank you. Well then - all you can do then is bite the bullet and make the first move. Maybe write him a note or something, that way it doesn't put him on the spot with you standing in his face and it gives him time to process - allows HIM to be the first to verbalize it to you if that's how he truly feels.
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Just be the brave one. You can't keep living & stressing without knowing. Thank you for your advice - there has been several times I wanted to say it, but then each time my stomach squeezed and flipped upside down and nothing came out of my mouth. At once at an intimate moment he felt like I wanted to say something and he asked "what baby?" And I said "nothing" and he said "tell me", and I said "nope" and he says "please tell me" and I didn't say anything.. It felt like he knew what I wanted to say and he wanted me to say it bad.. But I never did. And he didn't either.
pteromom Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Thank you for your advice - there has been several times I wanted to say it, but then each time my stomach squeezed and flipped upside down and nothing came out of my mouth. If you love him, you should be able to trust his reaction. If you say it, either: - he'll say it back. Happiness ensues. - he will ignore it, and you'll be in the same place you are now, wondering what he is feeling. - he will say he doesn't love you, in which case, that's good to know, so you can move on. So there is no losing by just saying the words. Ignore the butterflies and be brave. 2
Andy_K Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 So he wants you to say it first, and you want him to say it first. Stalemate! Maybe you can both write it in your valentine's cards a month or so from now? 2
Frank2thepoint Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Thank you for your advice - there has been several times I wanted to say it, but then each time my stomach squeezed and flipped upside down and nothing came out of my mouth. At once at an intimate moment he felt like I wanted to say something and he asked "what baby?" And I said "nothing" and he said "tell me", and I said "nope" and he says "please tell me" and I didn't say anything.. It felt like he knew what I wanted to say and he wanted me to say it bad.. But I never did. And he didn't either. You are overcomplicating it. Just say the words, and witness what will happen. But if you are having a physical reaction to you saying it yourself, it means you are definitely not ready at all to utter such words of affection. I also think he has a similar notion, which is why he hasn't said the words to you. Give it some time. Just enjoy the relationship.
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) You are overcomplicating it. Just say the words, and witness what will happen. But if you are having a physical reaction to you saying it yourself, it means you are definitely not ready at all to utter such words of affection. I also think he has a similar notion, which is why he hasn't said the words to you. Give it some time. Just enjoy the relationship. That's what I have been doing, but it's been almost 10 months, and after a curious google search "why hasn't he said I love you", according to the "rules" (which I'm sure a bunch of high schoolers have created) if he hasn't said it after 6 months, he just doesn't love me, haha. But that contradicts his actions. I don't think about this everyday, but it's on my mind subconsciously - for example, I have been having symbolic dreams about loyal loving pets (cats or dogs) who I love and who love me unconditionally. I know it's weird, but I think it has something to do with my subconscious desire to be loved and the absence of such confirmed emotion/affection. Edited January 7, 2015 by ain5053
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 So he wants you to say it first, and you want him to say it first. Stalemate! Maybe you can both write it in your valentine's cards a month or so from now? I can't predict what he will do. I just feel like if he hasn't told me yet, there is a reason.. He is very old school when it comes to dating, he should know according to "tradition" a man should say it first. Not that I necessarily believe in that as I am quiet a feminist, but I just feel like he knows to say it first.. If he still hasn't said it, maybe he isn't ready, or maybe he doesn't feel? I know I should just be honest and tell him how I feel, but still my mind ponders as to what his reasons are for bot expressing his feelings for me..
Author ain5053 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 I suppose he isn't very "romantic" kind of guy.. Or maybe it's me, everytime he tells me I'm beautiful or something along those lines, I just blush and look away very awkwardly.. Or roll my eyes and he says "I am being serious silly".
preraph Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I don't advise saying it because it can make a guy feel pressured. My guess is everything is fine and moving forward but that he doesn't say the words or imply them until he's ready to give you a ring. A lot of guys are like that. It's sort of traditional with some guys. They equate "I love you" with a formal commitment. So the problem in saying it first is that if he's still a year away from commitment, this can make him feel pressured or like you're not happy and want him to move faster, which is obviously the case. That can scare a guy off, make them panicky. Just sayin. I mean, he shows you he loves you and you show him you love him. I don't know why the words are so important. Lots of people find saying them awkward. I would never be one of those people who said them every day before the guy went to work. For some it comes easily and casually, and others use them for a formal declaration.
FitChick Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 It's funny how you keep saying he is old school and traditional. If that were true, he wouldn't have moved in with you after 90 days. He'd wait a year, say I love you, and ask you to live with him. Maybe even propose and have a year long engagement to see if you should get married. Wait until your one year anniversary and he takes you out. If you don't get an I love you or an engagement ring, think about moving out. 4
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My husband and I are older than you OP, but my husband is very old school. He told me he loved me only a few months after we started dating, and I moved into his house at the one year mark. It was already decided that we weren't going to just live together - that marriage was going to be part of the equation - and it was. Moving in with someone isn't just being roommates although that's kind of the impression I'm starting to get from reading various posts here over the last couple of years. I've always seen moving in together as a total commitment to each other and a stepping stone to a final commitment. As someone else said, this guy can't be THAT 'old school' if he has no problem living with you but doesn't say "I love you" or talk about a future engagement. Sounds as though he's just enjoying the moment. 3
Diezel Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 There is a lot of confusing ideas being thrown around, one of them being the "old school" thing. Maybe old school is being muddled because old school I know was you wouldn't move in before getting married. But that's not the issue here. The issue is that the OP is hinging many more things on the three words than she is the actions. She's admitting that he SHOWS her how he feels, and yet, she still has doubts. Are you the type of person who wants to hear it? Then say it yourself first. There is nothing old school or traditional about this relationship. So there's no reason to hide behind "old school". Maybe he doesn't want to say it first and is wondering the same thing. At 9 months, a man knows by then and there should be no pressure on him to feel a certain way, specially if you two have already been living together. 3
RDawg Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 My parents are in their mid eighties, they've been married for 60 years and my Mom has never told my Dad that she loves him. Never. Not once. And yet she adores him and has been the perfect wife and mother. She just doesn't feel the need to say it. It is so weird to me, I don't understand it. Sorry.
Rydo Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I don't understand why girls care so much about the words. I can say them easily and not mean them. It matters more how you treat someone really.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) I'll just be blunt and call like I see it, sorry if it doesn't cradle your feelings. You sound like the typical young naive woman, with older man who holds all the power and you basically sit there like a doggy on the porch, waiting for him to open the door every time to let you in and for some reason...even though the man is older, more experienced and wiser than you, you somehow believe there is some inexplicable reason...like he's the 7th wonder of the world, that he hasn't noticed, seen or is even aware of what he is doing...like he is some dumb, naive and flustered teenager who can't say the words or isn't able to think of the right timing, whatever your imagination conveniently conjures up to explain the "unexplainable"...and then you actually think that telling him I love you is some rule a stupid teenager made up when at the same time you're living your life like a bunch of teenagers and just throwing it all to the wind AND on top of it calling the guy "traditional" and "old-school"...like YOU even know what you're talking about, when it sounds more like an excuse. The reason being that you don't be the one to say the magical "ILY" first, is because if you want to know how he feels then he'd be the one to say it first...rather than you busting through the elephant in the room and just "getting it over with" because your obsessive female mind can't stop letting this idea circulate in your mind without having to create a thousand excuses or reuse the same excuses as before, trying to come up with some ridiculous female reason that he basically doesn't say what you want him to say. I don't know why...some women refuse to learn from this message board, I mean...why even be here if you're going to try and manipulate yourself anyway in the end, I guess all there is to it is sitting here having somebody come in and tell you what you want to hear because the real reason if you're just looking for some motivation and support to "force" the thing it is that you want to force in this "relationship". But for all you know, beyond your fantasies of this new whirlwind romance...is that the only reason he's with you is for some easy booty and because you are "younger and hotter" than he is used to getting..as far as I'm concerned you have no idea how the man feels, and you don't know what the hell is going on...only all those reasons listed justify nothing at all. Nothing you have said means anything at the end of the day, the guy doesn't even know you, isn't it a little suspicious to you that he's going full speed? no little lights going off there? of course not, it's just "love" right? he just knew it when you meet you, that you were the one right? says the guy who won't even tell his GF ILY...and guess what, I'm 34 too! I can completely understand what he is doing if he's doing what I think he's doing. I mean you REALLY think he doesn't know what YOU want to say, do you think he is that stupid? I mean really, do 34 year old's come this stupid? He's going to do what he's going to do with you...whether that makes you a baby-maker wife to be, a live in lover, or he's just playing a typical game that you're too blind to see through because you're too busy justifying everything you think you know. But this doesn't sound like he's a traditional guy in any way, I don't know what you're smoking...I've seen a lot of guys play a lot of games, and this one to be honest, looks no different than what I've seen...I highly doubt, the man loves you, sorry...you just seem to ridiculously easy to swoon to be honest and falling for the wrong things, his end game motive is unknown at this time but it doesn't sound like "love"..just another shot-gun romance, who knows though, if this guy needs some baby-making woman here, he might offer you the "world" but it's going to be on his watch and likely of little importance to feelings IMO...it's a practical and rational decision...you've got all these things going on around and you're just going along for the ride. But hey, you're communication sucks...so maybe that's another sign of him being "traditional"..who knows! *bangs head against desk* Edited January 8, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Had you not moved in together so soon, at this point in order not to lose you he would be forced to make some sort of commitment to you. That commitment would include saying he loves you, wants to marry you, etc. etc. But now he doesn't need to say anything because he already has you where he wants you. Listen to Ninjanpajamas, he is telling it as it is.
preraph Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 I don't understand why girls care so much about the words. I can say them easily and not mean them. It matters more how you treat someone really. Which is a very good point and there are plenty of guys who say them just to avoid a cessation of sex or so the woman will have sex to begin with.
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