cel615 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 The guy I've been with for 10 years has difficulty talking. I have had some serious personal issues in my life , an autistic suicidal son being the main one. And after telling him i felt "broken" after all the stress recently, he just said, "you're not broken." The end! Today, he told me "he will only comforrt, talk , hug, etc if he thinks what i am upset about is important, and every day may be different, it depends on his mood" Is this love???
WonderWoman911 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 That's not love. That's ignorance. "It depends on his mood"? Wow,smh... But you been with him for 10 years. So it has to be love there if you stayed with him for this long,right? Not saying that his comment defines love, but your relationship must have it.
Quiet Storm Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 So sorry to hear about your son. (((Hugs)) Everyone loves in different ways. In his mind, he may fully believe that he loves you, but as you can see, his behavior regarding your emotional needs isn't very "loving". Some people see love as a feeling they have towards that person. And others see love as an action, where you do loving and nice things for the object of your affection. So "is this love?" is impossible to determine. Some men love women like they love chocolate cake and football games- for satisfaction and entertainment purposes. In their minds, it's love. Others genuinely love the person, but have never learned how to love. This is common in people with difficult or neglectful childhoods. We learn how to love by our models (parents, family), and if our family of origin has a dysfunctional way of showing love, it will often repeat itself because the person never learned how show love in a healthy way. Some families don't show emotions, and kids will grow up feeling that being too emotional is weak or a punishable offense. They will think they are normal because that is all they knew. I would say to him "This is very important to me, regardless of whether you think it's worthy of compassion. You are my partner in life. I need your emotional support right now, and your lack of consideration for my feelings is making me feel unloved. I feel like we should be a team, a partnership and try to meet each others needs. If I needed help carrying in the groceries, you would help me. But now I need a hug. I need someone to listen. I need someone to understand. It hurts that I can't depend on you for this. Can you please try?" You may have to spell it out for him- I need a hug right now. I need you to just listen while I vent. I don't expect you to fix this, but talking about it makes me feel better, even if there is no resolution to the problem. A lot of guys feel like women look to them to "fix" problems, and if it's a problem like your suicidal autistic son, he may feel overwhelmed and just want to avoid the issue because he has no solution to offer. It may help to point out that you are just looking for comfort, not a solution. 2
Danda Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 You may have to spell it out for him- I need a hug right now. I need you to just listen while I vent. I don't expect you to fix this, but talking about it makes me feel better, even if there is no resolution to the problem. A lot of guys feel like women look to them to "fix" problems, and if it's a problem like your suicidal autistic son, he may feel overwhelmed and just want to avoid the issue because he has no solution to offer. It may help to point out that you are just looking for comfort, not a solution. I agree with this 100%. Most of the guys I've known are a lot like this, or even completely like this. If you're upset and they care about you, the way their brains work is to try to tackle the problem and fix it for you. Most of the good guys I know morph into knights in shining armor when they think they can solve a problem, but if they can't then it's like they don't know what to do lol. Of course there are special exceptions, some guys are more intuitive and empathetic than others, but a lot of guys simply are not on par in those areas with the average gal. It's best to just tell them straight up what you want and why, and then if they care about you, they'll do it. Like, "It makes me feel a little better if you give me a long hug." Then they know what to do. My stepfather is a classic example of this sort of thinking. When he thinks he can solve a problem for my mother, he might as well throw a superhero cape on while he's at it. She gets a flat tire and he drops whatever he's doing, drives from three cities away and comes to change her tire haha. And he gets on the phone with her with this adorable, "You're going to be fine, I'm on my way," voice, like he's off to save a school bus full of children in a hero movie. So it's very obvious that he cares about her. But if she's simply upset about something that he can't solve at all for her, he just sort of goes into vapor lock and earlier in the marriage she would have to straight up tell him how to comfort her.
Danda Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 The guy I've been with for 10 years has difficulty talking. I have had some serious personal issues in my life , an autistic suicidal son being the main one. And after telling him i felt "broken" after all the stress recently, he just said, "you're not broken." The end! Today, he told me "he will only comforrt, talk , hug, etc if he thinks what i am upset about is important, and every day may be different, it depends on his mood" Is this love??? That part is kind of weird, though. Maybe it's his kind of passive-aggressive way of telling you that he doesn't think everything you get upset about it really a big deal or worthy of being upset about, and that he doesn't have the emotional energy, himself, to comfort you over all of it. Although your son should never fall into such a category of "trivial melodrama".
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 My husband, bless his heart, is not the most emotional or communicative person either. His family was a bit aloof & the military drove the rest of his emotions away. However, one of the reasons I know he loves me is that when I am upset or freaking out, he hugs me & comforts me even if he can't figure out why I'm upset or he thinks my reaction is over the top. He feels bad when I'm hurt even if what is hurting me wouldn't bother him in the slightest. It's called empathy. The lack of empathy in your partner makes me question his love for you. For him to say that he will only comfort talk & hug you if he thinks it's important indicates to me that he is callous. I do hope your son stays safe. That is a LOT for anybody to deal with. Do you have another source of support besides this guy because he doesn't seem all that supportive.
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