Which woman would you pick?

[elaine567]

Conflict (as I am talking about it) is not a hypothetical, perceived theoretical give and take which leads to some kind of growth. I'm not just talking about one woman says yes to everything you say, and another woman will take another side.

 

I'm talking about your girlfriend getting pissed off and storming out of a bar and you have to chase her down and you're not even sure what you said to piss her off.

 

Or being so fearful of saying something that will offend her, you are always on the watch.

 

Or couples getting into such heated fights that the female starts swinging at the male.

 

I'm talking about nasty, real fights. That is conflict.

 

That is toxic and it reduces the victim to always be walking on eggshells and is in fact emotional abuse.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Friction to me is being challenged, called on my bullsh*t. and vice versa.

 

No offense, but WTF does that mean?

 

Does that mean that you are feeding your man bullsh*t to test him? Introducing conflict into a relationship for growth?

 

Give me an example.

[ThaWholigan]

Conflict (as I am talking about it) is not a hypothetical, perceived theoretical give and take which leads to some kind of growth. I'm not just talking about one woman says yes to everything you say, and another woman will take another side.

 

I'm talking about your girlfriend getting pissed off and storming out of a bar and you have to chase her down and you're not even sure what you said to piss her off.

 

Or being so fearful of saying something that will offend her, you are always on the watch.

 

Or couples getting into such heated fights that the female starts swinging at the male.

 

I'm talking about nasty, real fights. That is conflict.

Well that's quite a one-sided definition of conflict. Now, these things do happen of course - but I'm unlikely to be fearful of any eggshells with any prospective SO or doing any chasing out of bars . Again, the frequency would definitely be something to keep an eye on, but I'm sticking with my choice personally.

 

I do have a volatile side occasionally that needs exercising, so maybe an occasionally volatile woman would help. I do like an angry session in the bedroom .

[JuneJulySeptember]

That is toxic and it reduces the victim to always be walking on eggshells and is in fact emotional abuse.

 

Yes, well I clearly said 'HIGH INTENSITY FIGHTS' in my original post, yet many people (mostly women) still decided that was the best option.

 

Option A is actually based on a real person, and I think that explains a lot about her now.

[truth_seeker]

I suggest you go with E) jerk off to porn.

 

On a serious note, it would be between A) or C) ... For A) where there's fire, there can be lust Some couples get off on the fighting so they can enhance the making up. C) sounds like a safe choice.

[xxoo]

High intensity isn't necessarily bad. Can they resolve these conflicts?

 

There were a lot of loud arguments and tears early in our relationship, but we worked through it every time.

[TouchedByViolet]

Definitely B.

A is drama and I don't do that at all. Intense fights you say? F that. Many people enjoy fights and drama, not this guy.

C isn't enough compatible/attractive.

D too much baggage, sadly.Would FWB though

 

B is great because once you get to know someone you develop your own language. You know what the other is thinking, how they will behave and even what they mean to say when they can't find the words. The language of love transcends words. It would also be romantic to help teach her English and have her teach me her native language. Lots of bonding potential and learning.

[ThaWholigan]

High intensity isn't necessarily bad. Can they resolve these conflicts?

 

There were a lot of loud arguments and tears early in our relationship, but we worked through it every time.

This is just like I was saying in my thread - there's an idea that friction is bad, particularly where highly intense people are concerned. Now, if one partner is more volatile than the other and can't resonate on that same frequency then it's a mismatch and won't work. Someone like JJS probably needs more comfort. I know a few guys like that. My brother is a fairly tenacious and volatile person, but he requires a bit more comfort from his relationships - he doesn't do arguments.

 

I can hack a shouting match, and emotions do rise, especially where affairs of the heart are involved. I don't necessarily want her to be uber jealous or possessive over me, but I do want some fire at least. Something that I did learn about myself over the course of the last few years - they were only fleeting sexual relationships but they told me a great deal about what I need.

[JuneJulySeptember]

This is just like I was saying in my thread - there's an idea that friction is bad, particularly where highly intense people are concerned. Now, if one partner is more volatile than the other and can't resonate on that same frequency then it's a mismatch and won't work. Someone like JJS probably needs more comfort. I know a few guys like that. My brother is a fairly tenacious and volatile person, but he requires a bit more comfort from his relationships - he doesn't do arguments.

 

I can hack a shouting match, and emotions do rise, especially where affairs of the heart are involved. I don't necessarily want her to be uber jealous or possessive over me, but I do want some fire at least. Something that I did learn about myself over the course of the last few years - they were only fleeting sexual relationships but they told me a great deal about what I need.

 

Yep.

 

And you can have ALL of those women.

 

Have fun!

[JuneJulySeptember]

High intensity isn't necessarily bad. Can they resolve these conflicts?

 

There were a lot of loud arguments and tears early in our relationship, but we worked through it every time.

 

Depends what you are fighting about.

 

My parents have been married for over 40 years. Every now and then, they have a really bad fight. But it's always over something small that escalated. Like my father being too lazy to mow the lawn.

 

Now. When you have a natural propensity to have conflict, I cannot imagine why anybody would want that. But now, as I said, I am starting learn exactly why certain people are the way that they are. That is just speaking from an objective level.

 

From a subjective level, that is so far from me I cannot even put into words. A wife to me should be a best friend, and I don't have high intensity fights with my best friend.

 

Woman A was only an option because there is a thought that they could change and the friction could be eliminated.

[Million.to.1]

No offense, but WTF does that mean?

 

Does that mean that you are feeding your man bullsh*t to test him? Introducing conflict into a relationship for growth?

 

Give me an example.

 

All good! I'll explain... It's not a conscious thing and no one is trying to bait anyone.

 

I don't think people want or consciously seek out friction. I think it's just something that happens as a side effect of your personality for those of us that relate to your "A" example.

 

I'll give you an example.

 

I tend to raise my voice when I get angry or feel defensive. I don't even realise I'm doing it and I know it's something I've pick up from my parents. I don't scream and yell.. but the volume and intensity escalate. My partner hates it. He just stops listening, so I get louder. He will have to keep reminding me while we are arguing over whatever stupid conflict it is, for me to keep my voice down. That is calling me on my bull****. My bull**** being a pointless dysfunctional habit that appears in me when conflict arises. In the moment, it is frustrating for me because i feel that he is deflecting away from the issue that began it and choosing to focus instead on me "yelling".

I actually have to consciously make an effort to stay calm and it helps the situation when i do. But it takes effort as I do automatically default to this when emotional.

 

Same with me.. He has bullsh*t I call him on. He shames people and wants everyone to own their mistakes. He blew up at me once for leaving an open packet of sauce in the fridge and he didn't know it was open and knocked it and it spilt all down his jeans. I just said Oh sh*t. He wanted me to walk in a go "omg, i'm so sorry that was so stupid of me!" because I didn't do that he got angry and started shaming me and demanding that i admit I was really stupid for putting it there (which it was, sure! ) He was stressed about other stuff at the time, and just being really dramatic, swearing and making me feel like an idiot. He was being such an ass at that point that my "i'm sorry" didn't really sound genuine which irritated him further. He was hung up on getting that "i'm so sorry! I take 100% responsibility for the heinous crime of spilt sauce" that he doesn't understand how his reaction to the event doesn't make anyone want to say sorry.

In that situation I told him that he was right about the sauce, but his over reaction was completely unwarranted and i will not apologise to someone who is swearing and calling me an idiot over sauce.

5 mins later he apologised and it was fine. That is his bull****.

 

These examples make us sound a bit crazy, but most of the time we are laughing and loving each other and having a great time. We are very compatible in hundreds of ways.

 

We are both working on our bullsh*t. It takes time and as xxoo said.. you work through it. It's worth it for all the good intense times!

[candie13]

see, the problem is your can rarely have your cake and eat it too. Are you and your best friend having sex ? Most prob not. So you cannot expect that level of ease and comfort in a romantic relationship, also I do understand your point about having friendship as the foundation of that relationship. That would make it much stronger and much more authentic, so I hope that whomever you choose is able to fulfill that need.

 

In reality, no one is given a full set of clubs, as they say in golf, so you will have to pick.

 

The thing with relationships, especially when there is high attraction, is that they tend to bring out stuff from us - or from our partner - that is unresolved. Our tendency to avoid fights or confrontation, our abandonment fears, our deep insecurities etc etc, any many of these are at a subconscious level. So those relationships are high on emotions.

 

But how that high on emotion relationships do not have to be dysfunctional or toxic and what makes them not dysfunctional or toxic is the ability to talk and confront whatever discomforts you or your partner. The ability to communicate - during good times and during bad times - is what sets the ground for a harmonious, positive relationship. Fighting fair. Talking. Sharing. Listening. Deep listening. Confronting those fears and revealing them to the partner, despite appearing vulnerable to them.

 

I am sorry, but the fact that she stormed out of a bar is not a good sign. The fact that you don't even know what you've said to trigger that reaction is the worst of all - because it means that she only reacted, she did not talk about what made her sensitive and ... you did not ask either. I see her getting hurt and I see you potentially causing that hurt. I also see her running away from you - she reacted to the hurt, instead of talking about how you may have wounded her - and I see you scared of her over reaction - basically, despite your going after her, you only reacted to her behaviour, without understanding the cause. You actually avoided the deeper conflict and her, by not talking, avoided to get vulnerable to you - also it's obvious she was upset.

 

Now... we all get upset at times. But we all must confront what upsets us in the others and deal with it. Running away is not dealing with it. Not talking is not dealing with it. Being scared is not dealing with it.

 

Basically, JJS, you don't understand that woman and you don't care to, because she acts in an emotional, irrational way. Maybe she reacts that way because she really likes you and cares (too much) about things you say...

 

Irrespective, if she does not share what makes her upset and if you are not feeling comfortable to ask why she is upset - or deal with her behavior, she may be the fairest in the kingdom, you may indeed, stay single for the rest of your life and not pick that woman. Peace of mind over a piece of arse, that's what i always say.

 

However, there is poor conflict and there is good conflict. There is fighting dirty and pushing sensitive spots only to win an argument and there is fighting fair and calling a spade a spade. Whether you like it or not. A good argument is when your partner knows you well and will not allow you to lie to yourself...

 

The style of communication - especially during stress or periods when there are high emotions - whether they are caused by the partner or by the stress in one of the lives of one of the partners - is usually the tell tale sign about the level of compatibility between 2 people. Do they talk? Do they keep in touch? Do they share? Do they allow the other partner to know them? Are they reliable? Do they want to help or do they always expect to get help? Givers or takers?

 

I have never walked on eggshells around any of my partners. I have never had a partner walking on eggshells around me - except for exam time, but I am usually a quiet beast, if left alone .

 

You should either confront or walk away. If you find confrontation draining, don't even bring it to the equation, take option A out of the equation altogether. But if you fancy option A and are highly attracted to her... at least don't give up that easily. Talk. Ask questions. Confront. Stand up for yourself - sorry, but making scenes like that is not enjoyable or tolerable. If that makes you feel uncomfortable - or too much effort, then ... you have your answer.

 

In high attraction relationships, the partners get much closer very quickly and are more vulnerable to eachother. If that makes you uncomfortable, then indeed, you should settle with someone you feel less attracted to. As I said before, there's no lunch for free . And what finally really matters is that you are happy and tranquil with your partner, overall.

 

Emotional rollercoaster are a clear sign of dysfunction, so either confront and stop that dynamic or stay away.

[Million.to.1]

Yep.

 

And you can have ALL of those women.

 

Have fun!

 

He will!

 

 

OP, if you think option A is not for you, that's fine. But it seems like you have a specific person in your mind that is A. If we don't know her personally, we can only go off what you said in your original example which is broad.

 

I relate to A because I am high intensity and fit into that group of characteristics you mentioned. I don't have swinging matches or storm out of bars though...

[JuneJulySeptember]

You guys are reading way too much into it.

 

Either there's constant fights or there is not.

 

I have had one relationship where there was constant fights and another where there was none. Literally none. So I have a point to judge from.

 

And I choose none.

 

There's a difference between occasional bickering over miniscule stuff and high intensity fights. You know which relationship you are in.

Edited January 9, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Ninjainpajamas]

A) Woman is fairly attractive, and a lot of fun and very intelligent. Good career. Very high compatibility. However, there is often friction and almost sure to be high intensity fights if a long term is pursued.

 

B) Woman is fairly attractive, and is very friendly. Has a good job and is fun and low maintenance. However, there is a lack of compatibility due to English not being a first language and lack of high proficiency in speaking and writing.

 

C) Woman is medium compatible, and speaks English fluently. Fun, and intelligent and good rapport, but definitely less attractive.

 

D) Woman is more attractive, but has several children and deep financial troubles. She is ambitious, but in quite a hole. A very kind and caring woman. Not the highest compatibility, but decent, and fun and light hearted and no friction. Easy maintenance.

 

I've dated A, B and C..but not D.

 

I think financial troubles is the big red flag on D, because I feel that people in desperate situations can often times result in unwise choices in partners and I wouldn't want to get myself into a situation with so much going on. I would be a friend and supportive, but not pursue anything romantic.

 

The overwhelming indication to me that stands out however is compatibility, I think that's the game-changer for me. I think you need it in order to sustain a long-term happy relationship, it's fine for the beginning of a relationship or a whirlwind romance, but eventually things are going to get real tough when you don't see eye to eye on things, sharing the same vision, and communication will likely be poor as a result or just frustrating. It will be like a back log of unresolved issues that both people just let go the entire time that rise up at some point once the butterflies and rainbows start to fade. Not to mention, you just can't really be yourself without compatibility.

 

Woman A is the most attractive to me, and very likely my preference objectively speaking...however it depends on what she is intelligent about, as I also have an appreciation for "street smarts". I've dated women who have only went to school and basically hopped right into their career and they only know that dynamic and aren't very wise in anything else that I would consider "common knowledge". She also might have a very inflated sense of self and entitlement...thinking her success in her career somehow attributes to a more deserving life in other respects, such as with men and romance, as that is just a given thing. So basically her experience can create a very warped reality where she thinks she is control of everything. So I tend to prefer women with both qualities to some degree, that down to earth side to them that grounds them and gives them those "basic" life skills and perspective, and that professional career woman side.

 

But if she's attractive, a lot of fun and intelligent that's the golden combo of course. And IME I've seen a lot more women with those qualities than I have seen them in men, so women looking for the same I believe are going to have some trouble. I don't know why, but a lot of times "intelligent" and/or educated guys often tend not to have the greatest sense of humor, can be quite dull, and can lack "personality". I've met a lot of intelligent/successful guys in life, and there's just something about them that seems to be missing...something is just "off" about most of them to me, very intelligent but at the same time clueless.

 

The friction doesn't bother me at all in a relationship, as long as there is some ability to communicate. I like high intense emotions in a relationship, for me it's mandatory thing overall and I don't want this tame subtle woman who is quiet/calm and just gives me an easy life, because I just feel like they hold a lot of it inside and can eventually become a ticking time-bomb, and that's not my kind of relationship, I'd rather have things out in the open even if it's not in the most pleasant of ways.

 

I often see people post on these forums about how they never fight with their partner and they think everything is going well or is well because of the "silence" and calmness of their relationship...yet for me that just raises a crap ton of questions and flags about what's going inside of both of their heads and hearts..what are they NOT saying or talking about, because I definitely don't just believe that everything is just so blissfully perfect and happy and that's why everything is so calm, IMO there's a lot of things unknown in that relationship and just assumed. So when something does happen in those relationships, it can be a sudden explosion that seemingly came from "nowhere".

 

Woman B is also not a problem, I don't feel the language barrier results in a lack of compatibility although you might have to work harder on communication and interpretation, as well as understanding each others cultures/values to understand perspective.

 

Woman C sounds ok, but just definitely lukewarm...wouldn't see myself going for it, since if I find her quite unattractive.

[carhill]

B) Woman is fairly attractive, and is very friendly. Has a good job and is fun and low maintenance. However, there is a lack of compatibility due to English not being a first language and lack of high proficiency in speaking and writing.

 

Nearly K1'd one of these. Despite the finer points of the language barrier, we got on more completely than I think I ever have with a woman, plus she was intelligent and caring, working as a trauma doctor. Even when she'd kick me out of her kitchen, yelling in Russian, I instinctively knew there was a balance, and it showed. IMO, in intimate relationships, it's about a synergistic balance, where partners 'get' each other, regardless of the appearance of the milieu of the moment. For some partners, that might be silence, for others apparent combat, for others anywhere in between, and the same with personal circumstances and personality characteristics.

 

In any event, language is a barrier I can always overcome, and did to a certain extent, even though having a long ways to go on the finer points. With the right person, right is the reason. Good luck in your choices.

[Noproblem]

Wow, you should always choose the one you love or like

 

not based on pros and cons

[Toodaloo]

Not me. I want easy. Give me little Miss Boring any day of the week.

 

I tried Mr Boring and as it turns out he was an **** hole... Easy is not always the best option...

 

I am going to take another option.

 

None of them.

 

All sound like they are either incompatible or drama lamas so I take the option of getting off of my botty and going out to have some fun and get to know other people instead in the hope I meet someone more compatible.

 

Next time I am going for exceptional and I am not going to settle for a drunkard, a hole etc just because that is "what is left over". Next one is going to be special and if takes a while to find him well so be it. Not the end of the world.

[xxoo]

Depends what you are fighting about.

 

My parents have been married for over 40 years. Every now and then, they have a really bad fight. But it's always over something small that escalated. Like my father being too lazy to mow the lawn.

 

Now. When you have a natural propensity to have conflict, I cannot imagine why anybody would want that. But now, as I said, I am starting learn exactly why certain people are the way that they are. That is just speaking from an objective level.

 

From a subjective level, that is so far from me I cannot even put into words. A wife to me should be a best friend, and I don't have high intensity fights with my best friend.

 

Woman A was only an option because there is a thought that they could change and the friction could be eliminated.

 

We fought about money, time management, and household habits mostly in the early years. Power struggles, learning to live together.

 

He was/is my best friend. We also made love louder and more often than we fought But, speaking for myself, I cared so much that I wanted to get everything worked out. That requires confrontation and conflict resolution. It would not have been better for our longterm relationship if I'd swept my frustrations under the rug.

 

Now that we're older, more mature, and more experienced in marriage, the fighting greatly reduced. I don't think we've had a fight in over a year. So it isn't that we need the fighting, but rather that we weren't averse to it. And the fights were always resolved well, and ultimately drew us closer, helping us get where we are.

[candie13]

I tried Mr Boring and as it turns out he was an **** hole... Easy is not always the best option...

 

I am going to take another option.

 

None of them.

 

All sound like they are either incompatible or drama lamas so I take the option of getting off of my botty and going out to have some fun and get to know other people instead in the hope I meet someone more compatible.

 

Next time I am going for exceptional and I am not going to settle for a drunkard, a hole etc just because that is "what is left over". Next one is going to be special and if takes a while to find him well so be it. Not the end of the world.

 

Let me tell you about my good on paper ex - whom I was not even so much into, at the beginning. Basically, I had to convince myself as my intuition was picking up signals - red flags. We had a strong attraction and we did not have our first fight until right after we had sex - one month and a half into the R.

 

Key learning: never too late to leave, irrelevant how good sex is and how high the attraction turns out to be. If that person is taking more that is giving, if the fights are too intense and consuming, if it's neverending and too much of a headache to handle, leave it.

 

Peace of mind after a piece of arse.

[Toodaloo]

Let me tell you about my good on paper ex - whom I was not even so much into, at the beginning. Basically, I had to convince myself as my intuition was picking up signals - red flags. We had a strong attraction and we did not have our first fight until right after we had sex - one month and a half into the R.

 

Key learning: never too late to leave, irrelevant how good sex is and how high the attraction turns out to be. If that person is taking more that is giving, if the fights are too intense and consuming, if it's neverending and too much of a headache to handle, leave it.

 

Peace of mind after a piece of arse.

 

My "good on paper" ex and I still have not had a fight, not a proper one anyway. I think we shouted at each other briefly as in less than 2 mins and only a one liner about twice in 6 years...

 

Never had an argument with the one before either...

[Frank2thepoint]

The thing is, most people require some degree of friction in their relationship, whether it's a tiny little bit to create a small spark, or whether they need to have a challenging partner.

 

Replace the boldfaced part with "challenge", then you have a healthy partner that exemplifies what wrote. A partner that challenges you allows for the relationship to grow and sparks to fly. Challenge nurtures improvement. Friction is unnecessary conflict, unjustifiable drama, and disrespecting behavior.

[BluEyeL]

A conflictual partner is not a good bet. I read a book written by a legit Ph.D., Dr. Ty Tashiro, and based on serious research, you want a partner that has "agreeability" as a characteristic and you do not want one that likes conflict. That is, if you want long term success. For short term flames, yeah, whatever.

[xxoo]

A conflictual partner is not a good bet. I read a book written by a legit Ph.D., Dr. Ty Tashiro, and based on serious research, you want a partner that has "agreeability" as a characteristic and you do not want one that likes conflict. That is, if you want long term success. For short term flames, yeah, whatever.

 

I agree that I would not prefer a partner who likes conflict.

 

But I also don't want a partner who fears it or avoids it.

[Shepp]

A

 

I'm a firefighter - perfect man for the job!