sadconfusedvt Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I recently walked away from my 2 year relationship because he wouldn't commit. He said he wasn't ready to even propose to me, because something still seemed off in the relationship. I was so angry after his perpetual ambiguity to me that I told him that I needed to move on. I mean, we are both in our 30s- he should know by now right? The relationship had its ups and downs, but for the most part, we got along great. No fighting. We knew each others families- had many mutual friends. But I want to get married and start a family and he said he wanted those things too (albeit never mentioned me). He even said that around Thanksgiving that we were going to get married. Now he's not sure? I'm feeling incredible guilt for leaving so hastily, but I just don't want to be one of those women who waits years and years for their boyfriends to decide. Any advice? Did I make the wrong decision- I feel terrible. We haven't really spoken since the break up (a month ago) with the exception of a Happy New Years text.
KBarletta Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I am curious about the details here: What are his reasons for not wanting to commit? Just that it doesn't feel right and something "seemed off"? That doesn't make it clear at all as to what his reasons are. Is he a classic commitment-phobe? Is he seeing someone else? Are there compatibility issues with personality, intimacy, communication, etc? Sometimes (not always, just sometimes) a jolt like this is just what a fearful person needs for clarity. I would never recommend breaking up with someone just to gain that clarity, but the world works in mysterious ways. As the dumpee, chances are he is hurting right now and trying to heal. That is likely the advice he'd be getting right now, anyway. So in a way, as the dumper the ball is in your court. But as the one who failed to commit, he needs to make changes too. I would give it some time and see how you feel a month or two down the road, get your head away from it for a while and then revisit the situation when you aren't clouded by the breakup.
Author sadconfusedvt Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 I am curious about the details here: What are his reasons for not wanting to commit? Just that it doesn't feel right and something "seemed off"? That doesn't make it clear at all as to what his reasons are. Is he a classic commitment-phobe? Is he seeing someone else? Are there compatibility issues with personality, intimacy, communication, etc? Sometimes (not always, just sometimes) a jolt like this is just what a fearful person needs for clarity. I would never recommend breaking up with someone just to gain that clarity, but the world works in mysterious ways. As the dumpee, chances are he is hurting right now and trying to heal. That is likely the advice he'd be getting right now, anyway. So in a way, as the dumper the ball is in your court. But as the one who failed to commit, he needs to make changes too. I would give it some time and see how you feel a month or two down the road, get your head away from it for a while and then revisit the situation when you aren't clouded by the breakup. He didn't really have a reason- he just said the dreaded "I'm not ready", which is so bizarre to me. I think he may be a commitmentphobe, which means he has to work on himself and I can't fix him. I'm his first serious relationship.
GoBlue Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Thank you for sharing - your situation is repeated over-and-over again in today's world. There are lots and lots of women who endure a relationship just like you've described. Many ending up staying so long that they never extract themselves from a man who "will not commit." I know you feel awful right now but what's the alternative? My perspective of dating and relationships (by the way, I am a man) is that it's supposed to lead somewhere. Two years is enough time to decide if the relationship can lead to marriage or not. It is clear that you have strong feelings for this guy, or you wouldn't have stayed with him for two years. It can be very difficult to make a decision that's going to upset short term happiness for a long-term goal. I am not saying that there's no hope for this relationship either. Men can be very perplexing creatures. Sometimes they have to be forced to realize how good they have it and to stop taking something for granted by losing it. He may very well come around and seek you out, but what if he doesn't? I guess it comes back to a fundamental question - do you want to sacrifice your long-term goal for marriage and family for a short-term goal of companionship? My heart goes out to you. I pray that your man sees the error of his ways and comes pining for your love in repentance ready to commit! Or, that you are set free from the broken heart so you can move forward and find the man you will marry. Blessings!
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