bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Hey, so I have been with my girlfriend just over 6 months and we only get to see each other on weekends because we live 3 hours drive away, soon it will be only every other weekend due to work shifts and her studying. I'm 23, she is 21 and we both live in England. Basically her best mate and another friend (both guys) are moving in together soon and she is thinking about moving in with them. She used to date her best friend a couple of years back and they broke up maybe 14-15 months ago. She works in a male dominated work place so the majority of her friends are male and that doesn't bother me really. I have met them both a fair few times and I get on well with them and when we had a rough patch last month her best friend actually came out with me for a drink and helped me talk about it. So we get on but I still feel really uncomfortable with the situation and the thought of her living under the same roof, being half naked on front of him and stuff like that, and they both have told me they would never go back there to each other, but obviously they are physically attracted to each other seeing as they dated in the first place. I do trust her otherwise I wouldn't be doing the long distance thing but I'm not sure about the whole situation, is it just me being silly, iv been cheated on twice in the past so I dunno if it's just that playing on my mind, or do I have every right to feel uncomfortable? I'm just struggling to get my head around it at the minute and I'm looking for abit of advice really and some opinions, i would really appreciate it
Emilia Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 You are right to feel uncomfortable and I would raise it with her. If she ignores your feelings, there is all you need to know about her. Your feelings are completely reasonable. 4
PegNosePete Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Where do you see your relationship heading? You are supposed to get closer to those you love. Going from every weekend to every other weekend is a significant downgrade. There may be factors beyond your control but are these factors temporary or permanent? Where do you see yourselves in 6 months, 1 year's time? Will you be moving near her or will she be moving near you?
Dontfindme Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I agree with Emilia. You should talk to her and see what she has to say. But I will add something based on my experience - sometimes after breaking up with someone, after a sufficient amount of time has passed, some people may not feel any attraction to their exes. I kind of lose that attraction - for whatever reason - I can never see my exes in the same light as when we dated.
Gaeta Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 But I will add something based on my experience - sometimes after breaking up with someone, after a sufficient amount of time has passed, some people may not feel any attraction to their exes. I kind of lose that attraction - for whatever reason - I can never see my exes in the same light as when we dated. I agree with this, I experience the same lost of attraction toward and ex. I would be more worried about only seeing her every 2 weeks than her living arrangement. 1
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Basically her best mate and another friend (both guys) are moving in together soon and she is thinking about moving in with them. She used to date her best friend a couple of years back and they broke up maybe 14-15 months ago. Distance coupled with living with an ex that is her best friend? Relationship over. This can only go wrong for YOU. Why this is even a thought that crosses her mind is a blatant show of immaturity and young age. Don't do this to yourself. Obviously you can't DEMAND her to not live with them, but if this goes down, you might want to remove yourself from the situation and find someone who is a little bit closer. Any woman that is even remotely into me would be voicing concerns if I suddenly decided to want to move in with two females that weren't her... and one of them being someone I used to date.
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Thanks for the advice so far people I am planning on talking about it but I was just after some advice and opinions on the matter first. I do think it is a temporary move until we can decide wether I'm going to move down to her orif she is going to move up to me. also she doesn't particularly like living at home so that also weighs in on the decision I think. Also as she pointed out when them two moved in when they where together that's what drove them further apart. Part of me thinks if it's going to make her happy then I should back it, because at the end of the day seeing her happy gives me such a good feeling. But part of me doesn't know if it can work like that and it might just bring trouble to us? Really torn between two sides of what I'm thinking right now. Also like one of you said (sorry I forgot your name) should she be considering it?, or does she have every right to and it's me acting like a fool?
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Distance coupled with living with an ex that is her best friend? Relationship over. This can only go wrong for YOU. Why this is even a thought that crosses her mind is a blatant show of immaturity and young age. Don't do this to yourself. Obviously you can't DEMAND her to not live with them, but if this goes down, you might want to remove yourself from the situation and find someone who is a little bit closer. Any woman that is even remotely into me would be voicing concerns if I suddenly decided to want to move in with two females that weren't her... and one of them being someone I used to date. Just out of curiosity, she hangs around with her ex all the time anyway and work together. But that doesn't bother me so does that change your opinion or do you still think it's disaster coming?
PegNosePete Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Just out of curiosity, she hangs around with her ex all the time anyway and work together. But that doesn't bother me so does that change your opinion or do you still think it's disaster coming? She hangs around with her ex all the time, she works with him, and she will soon be living with him (seeing him every morning and evening)? And will only be seeing you once every 2 weeks? Yes this is a huge disaster waiting to happen.
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 She hangs around with her ex all the time, she works with him, and she will soon be living with him (seeing him every morning and evening)? And will only be seeing you once every 2 weeks? Yes this is a huge disaster waiting to happen. They have both been best friends since they split though, she's had sex after him and before me with someone else, they have never once hooked up again or done anything like that. I'm just trying to get all the info out there see what opinions are, I appreciate your opinions so far.
orangetree Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I think your mind is going a bit too crazy about a girl living with guys. I have lived with guys and they have never seen me half-naked. When I showered I always got dressed in the bathroom or I went with a big towel to my room. But I do understand that you're worried about your girlfriend living with her ex, especially you being far away and only seeing each other every other weekend. I would express my feelings to her and see how she reacts. If she's serious about the relationship she should care about your feelings and not move in with him.
Timshel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Well, maybe it would come down to whether you believe you will handle it ok. Since adult relationships before marriage are testing grounds (so to speak) to making that ultimate commitment, then this situation would certainly lend to that discovery. Maybe she's the one, maybe not. If your are comfortable and enjoying the relationship, then challenging circumstances will either strengthen your relationship or destroy it. They all go one way or the other, lol. How will you be emotionally should this living arrangement occur? Will you be ok unless or until you have good reason not to be or will it make you crazy right out of the gate?
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Just out of curiosity, she hangs around with her ex all the time anyway and work together. But that doesn't bother me so does that change your opinion or do you still think it's disaster coming? That makes it WORSE. That makes it sound like they are still in a relationship and you are just the guy on the side. Are you kidding me? 1
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 I think your mind is going a bit too crazy about a girl living with guys. I have lived with guys and they have never seen me half-naked. When I showered I always got dressed in the bathroom or I went with a big towel to my room. But I do understand that you're worried about your girlfriend living with her ex, especially you being far away and only seeing each other every other weekend. I would express my feelings to her and see how she reacts. If she's serious about the relationship she should care about your feelings and not move in with him. Maybe it is just playing tricks on me, I dunno. That's good to know though what you just said especially coming from another girl. Yeah it will tell me alot about where we are heading sorta thing when I see her reactions and thoughts to What I say
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Well, maybe it would come down to whether you believe you will handle it ok. Since adult relationships before marriage are testing grounds (so to speak) to making that ultimate commitment, then this situation would certainly lend to that discovery. Maybe she's the one, maybe not. If your are comfortable and enjoying the relationship, then challenging circumstances will either strengthen your relationship or destroy it. They all go one way or the other, lol. How will you be emotionally should this living arrangement occur? Will you be ok unless or until you have good reason not to be or will it make you crazy right out of the gate? I completely get everything you have just said. That's the thing though, I don't know how I will react unless it actually happens, I can have an idea of how I would, and how I think or I'd like to act about it, but I'm never gpingvto actually know I don't think unless it happens, which is a problem for me.
Author bellison Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 That makes it WORSE. That makes it sound like they are still in a relationship and you are just the guy on the side. Are you kidding me? I totally get that view point, but I can honestly say it's never felt like that to me, but I can see how it can look like than from an outside point of view.
Emilia Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 They have both been best friends since they split though, she's had sex after him and before me with someone else, they have never once hooked up again or done anything like that. Means nothing. I work with my ex, I hooked up with someone else since, no idea whether he has. last time we slept together was well over a year ago yet you can still cut the chemistry between us. He gets nervous when I walk up to his desk and I blush when he comes over to mine and we get on well usually (though not at the moment). Believe me that simmer can be there regardless what has happened since. If I shared a house with him I'd sleep with him again for sure, he wouldn't even try to stop me.
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I totally get that view point, but I can honestly say it's never felt like that to me, but I can see how it can look like than from an outside point of view. And then one day you will come back on these forums with a post in the Cheating forum and say: I NEVER THOUGHT SHE COULD DO THIS TO ME. Yeah, you might want to go with the "outside point of view". Because, isn't that why you posted this in the first place?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I would not be okay with this arrangement either. That is a boundary I would set quite clearly: living with an ex (however chummy they might be now) is not something I can support. Sorry.
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