How do you get over something or keep it from bothering you?

[Chuck636333]

So my breakup was back at the beginning of October. I was posting here, an emotional wreck, felt feelings of sadness and anxiety I didn't even know existed.it was a very very rough patch on my life and incredibly hard to deal with. We were together 7 years, in all honesty the relationship had become very toxic the last year to year and a half. I did things I regret and idk if she regrets them, but she did some pretty awful things to me as well.

 

In the end she left me and said she was unhappy and I will not stand between her and happiness and proceeded to call the police on me for knocking on her door and trying to talk days after. I sought out counseling to help myself and with coping and dealing with my own issues. Fast forward to today...I haven't looked on any social media or spoken to her since about two weeks after breakup.for some reason I decided tonight I wanted to see if their was someone new in her life...and indeed there was,just officially started the relationshipon 1/4 but cChristmas photos tell me its at least been a couple of weeks.

 

I've not relapsed, I didn't shed a tear like I had shed gallons for the first 1 1/2 months. I'm more upset than anything and its frustrating me.I think I had held onto some thought that if she did come back I would at least see her and consider things,I still had some pictures and gifts out that I just hadn't gotten around to taking down...after I saw this I did the dramatic and burnt everything...of she ever tried to call I wouldn't even answer the telephone...I thought I'd never fully be over her just learn to deal, for 7 1/2 years I've been in love.until tonight, for the first time ever I can say without a shred of doubt this girl will never get another minute of my time.with all that said..its bothering the hell out of me to be frank...not making me sad or depressed like all the feelings before...genuinely upset! All the o so cute comments and crud all her friends saying how much better he is...frustrating!!!

 

Anyways I want this to stop making me mad and dictating my mood...I knew it was going to happen but I want to not care like asap,or now...any tips or anything? I know time will probably be the answer but idk maybe someone has some secret or something up their sleeve they used...sorry for long post,thanks in advance

Edited January 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[WonderWoman911]

This will definitely take some time to heal. I was in a 5 year relationship and it took quite a while to get over it, and when I did, I felt GREAT! So I know for you being in a 7 year relationship and breaking up, is pretty tough. But I would recommend not going onto social media and looking at anything that's related to her AT ALL. This will continue to set your healing process back over and over again. And don't worry about her friends comments. They don't know about the things that took place in the relationship. So they're basically irrelevant. Start focusing on your life and getting things back on track. Also do activities or get some hobbies that will keep your mind off of this. Release your frustration and sadness for a little while. But then get back on your feet and keep moving.

[coolheadal]

Got to pulls yourself together now and move on. She's gone forever and has moved on too. I understand fully well what you gone through and end was painful for you. It's very hard to have someone in you life for 7 years then all of a sudden they're gone. But you need to stay on track and be focus on your life. This girl made up her mind without your help. Again you can't change her or her mindset. This is what she had wanted a way out of the relationship.

 

Name calling was just a way for her to escape things. But doing so hurts you more because you don't expect it. She can't change you so why not hurt you with words which are abusive. Better you learn how to deal with this if such an event does happen again.

 

Right you know what she's doing and it's not with you. So close this chapter now. Get your head out of the clouds. Clean-up your act and when your ready for someone else to like, then love you'll be at your 100% positive (healthy) mindset.

 

Forget what her friends said to you? They're being negative (unhealthy) and you don't need that power drain on you.

[Chuck636333]

Ya I'm trying, I've started the process of getting back into shape,dropped a bunch of weight. The gym is my outlet for everything... I was currently on day 4 of a scheduled week off but I'm going back tomorrow!!! The only positive to come of this, is that it revamped my motivation and most importantly I wasn't completely crushed and depressed again because those pains were some of the worst I've felt...with anything...I was more aggravated and upset. Idk why just am...maybe that she's moved on idk...I guess when she had left in the past and a week later come back, I'm almost embarrassed... That someone else got my girl, I feel like I look kinda stupid in a way...I was just getting some confidence back and this blew it up...ugh:-(

[unforgotten]

Chuck maybe you can help me out with some tips of your own on how you've dealt with depression.

 

Just like you, I've been in a relationship for 7 years and split up in the middle of October. After all this time she left me for another guy, amazing huh? I've been doing a complete NC for over a month now, am feeling a whole lot better than I did before (the first two weeks were the most awful ones in my entire life, I just wished I'd be dead) but the depression is still there. I'm slowly getting back on track but there's a long long road ahead of me. For example I'm having a bad day today, when I think about my future I get scared and unmotivated to do things because I see them pointless and think they'll end in failure. I am happy about something (for example going on a date) but soon I'm feeling scared/unwilling/pointless/etc. about the same thing. These mood swings are killing me.

[Chuck636333]

I'll tell you where I was leading up to and right after the breakup ("I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THIS GIRL!!! I NEED HER IN MY LIFE!!!) She was the best friend I'd ever had, we were completely comfortable and could share anything together...almost as if we were 2 people as 1...my better half so to speak,as corny as it sounds its the truth and I bet you feel the same way,you and I were not the first nor will we be the last! I'll start with the best news first...IT WILL GET BETTER! I PROMISE!!! as far as a time line...believe it or not that is up to you to decide. I too went through maximum mood swings...bad! And i know where you are! One minute youre thinking screw her if she doesnt want me...3 seconds later youre sobbing because a thought or song or commercial or show...ANYTHING!...EVERY LITTLE THING YOU SEE HEAR AND DO REMINDS YOU OF HER...i know this too i was there and still get memories from certain things,no way around this 7 years too many memories. Here's everything I did either intentionally or unintentionally. First off and MOST IMPORTANT...do not i repeat do not get on social media and go anywhere she has a picture or even a word posted,one day youll be able to handle it but not now,im really not there either as you see above but im closer.I started by getting back in the gym as I had gotten way out of shape unfortunately, now when I started this, it was a get her back/make her jealous tactic,some days I would go and be angry and I killed my workout,other days I'd go and be so depressed I'd tear up and walk out but lifting and cardio removed a lot of stress for me short term.next: find a family member or close close friend that will listen and not become annoyed...because they will...because once they open an ear you won't shut up about her negative or positive and no matter what they say you'll repeat everything you've said 6000 times and that's ok ,it is...I would suggest telling them up front that you need their help and apologize for annoying them in advance (do not do this with a common friend if you have any) mine was my father,and even he became annoyed but he'd never say it because he's been in my shoes and,well he's my dad its his job lol. I started going to counseling weekly and still do, not only for the breakup but other issues I wanted to address, I will admit I also did this for my ex...to show I was trying to improve myself if she called back but it turned out to be for me. Get in the gym...do the things she hated...watch shows she hated music she hated,leave the seat up...do the things that drove her nuts,sounds stupid but it helps. Your heart and brain are battling and right now youre on the heart side and it lies and blinds you and the brain thinks logically...listen to your brain and not your heart THIS IS KEY!!!!! and you'll start healing. 5 years in she left me 2 days after my mom died and I took her back a month later because I was scared of losing my best friend,she's not a bad person most of the time and I'm not trying to make her out as one.what I'm saying is my heart led me back in and my dad reminds me about that all the time.I was in love man obsessed maybe a bit you could say,and I'm not 100% over it yet but accepted it and she's in my head but in the rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller rather than in my headlights chasing what I can't and shouldn't want to catch. Just as you think you're better you'll hit bottom once more and finally you'll say screw this I'm done feeling like garbage for someone that threw me away like garbage (brain kicking in) follow your heas , not your heart...I followed my heart for years and feel like an idiot some of the things I let go to be with her...of course she doesn't respect who I was I don't respect who I was...the fog will clearandyoyou'll slowly start to realize...what the heck was I crying about?!?! Honestly! Its liberating...CHIN UP!!! any other questions just ask I know where you are and I wouldn'twish it on an enemy...good luck bud

Edited January 7, 2015 by Chuck636333
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[JonjMie]

I was in love man obsessed maybe a bit you could say,and I'm not 100% over it yet but accepted it and she's in my head but in the rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller rather than in my headlights chasing what I can't and shouldn't want to catch.

 

Love this !!!

[unforgotten]

Hey Chuck. Thanks for the post. I'm doing the things you've said that's why I'm feeling a whole lot better than I did a month before. Some of the parts you wrote are actually like a reflection of my own feelings and behavior. Sometimes I find threads on this forum with almost exactly the same situations. It's kind of scary to see how human brain function. But if others have figured it out I must too, that's why I ask these people in similar situations for advice.

 

LOL I've used all my friends to discuss this matter. I was saying things over and over again, 6000 times like you said. I started to feel pathetic and annoyed to myself but man that helped. It's like you need to get it out of your system!

 

I also hit the gym and just like you said, sometimes I was so motivated I could kill, some other time I'd just want to cry and go home. It's a struggle!

 

I don't think about her as much as I did but she's still there. It's funny that when I imagine a situation where she'd come back and admit her mistakes and wanted to be together I am not sure anymore I'd take her back. It's not just the logic talking, even the emotions are undecided.

 

When I woke up today I felt like ****. It's depressing because the last few days were quite ok and than boom, you're down again. I think this is the hardest part. This constant constant struggle. I didn't even think about how I miss her or anything but have started to wonder if she has something to do with it. I had just a couple of hours of sleep and was really sleepy so I went back to bad in a couple of hours. I thought maybe I'll feel better later. Of course I was dreaming about her and how I was begging her to change her mind and she just couldn't. Oh man... I figure it has something to do with this that I saw her briefly yesterday for a few seconds when she drove past me and my friend mentioned that he saw her and her bf walking together. It didn't bother me at all yesterday when I saw her or when he told me that and my mood didn't change and it doesn't even bother me today but I guess subconsciously it triggers some emotions etc. The first next thing I'm gonna do is to tell my buddies not to mention her at all!

 

When I woke before I immediately thought: that scenario I was dreaming is so true. If I contacted her or anything it'd play out exactly the same and I'd be back on the start. I know my depression is not even about her anymore, it's about me. I tell myself this. Everything is about me and finding my inner self and happiness again. Yes she put me in this dark place but I'm almost beyond that point when she has anything to do with it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

Thanks and good luck!

[Chuck636333]

Hey Chuck. Thanks for the post. I'm doing the things you've said that's why I'm feeling a whole lot better than I did a month before. Some of the parts you wrote are actually like a reflection of my own feelings and behavior. Sometimes I find threads on this forum with almost exactly the same situations. It's kind of scary to see how human brain function. But if others have figured it out I must too, that's why I ask these people in similar situations for advice.

 

LOL I've used all my friends to discuss this matter. I was saying things over and over again, 6000 times like you said. I started to feel pathetic and annoyed to myself but man that helped. It's like you need to get it out of your system!

 

I also hit the gym and just like you said, sometimes I was so motivated I could kill, some other time I'd just want to cry and go home. It's a struggle!

 

I don't think about her as much as I did but she's still there. It's funny that when I imagine a situation where she'd come bawait,shend admit her mistakes and wanted to be together I am not sure anymore I'd take her back. It's not just the logic talking, even the emotions are undecided.

 

When I woke up today I felt like ****. It's depressing because the last few days were quite ok and than boom, you're down again. I think this is the hardest part. This constant constant struggle. I didn't even think about how I miss her or anything but have started to wonder if she has something to do with it. I had just a couple of hours of sleep and was really sleepy so I went back to bad in a couple of hours. I thought maybe I'll feel better later. Of course I was dreaming about her and how I was begging her to change her mind and she just couldn't. Oh man... I figure it has something to do with this that I saw her briefly yesterday for a few seconds when she drove past me and my friend mentioned that he saw her and her bf walking together. It didn't bother me at all yesterday when I saw her or when he told me that and my mood didn't change and it doesn't even bother me today but I guess subconsciously it triggers some emotions etc. The first next thing I'm gonna do is to tell my buddies not to mention her at all!

 

When I woke before I immediately thought: that scenario I was dreaming is so true. If I contacted her or anything it'd play out exactly the same and I'd be back on the start. I know my depression is not even about her anymore, it's about me. I tell myself this. Everything is about me and finding my inner self and happiness again. Yes she put me in this dark place but I'm almost beyond that point when she has anything to do with it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

Thanks and good luck!

 

Ya I had the dreams and stuff too...everything you say hits home...very similar. And I'll be 100% honest, it does hurt a bit knowing for sure I've been replaced...even knowing it was inevitable, but I honestly think I needed to see that. Because I was still hanging onto a thread even when I thought I wasn't.this is the first time I know 100% that she'll never get any more of my time and energy so I hope it works out for her because I'm finally free and never running back. I'll tell you this, DO NOT CALL YOUR EX...EVER...FOR ANYTHING!

 

I haven't and refuse to and now with the boyfriend situation I absolutely wouldn't call or even pick up a call from her at this point or anytime down the road...your pride,dignity, and confidence are already shot like me...hang onto what you have left. All it would be is an ego boost for her and she wouldn't get it from me...karma is nasty business and it will all come full circle just wait...she's won the battle just like mine but I'm determined to win the war so to speak,you'll never find a better source of motivation for whatever your goal is than you have right now,so harness it in as much of a positive that can come of it...their is always silver linings in the worst things...

 

Better yourself any way you can.their had to be things you didn't like..maybe the way she treated you,something she did,the ways she talked to you/put you down...when you're over it...you're free from that...AND SINGLE! No answering for things you want to do or worrying about upsetting her...and I save a ton of cash without her,I paid for every night out and gifts gifts gifts...its a time game now...just think logically like I said and not with emotion because you'll forgive and forget too much and make yourself out to be the bad guy,I did it for awhile...was I perfect,no.

 

Could I have been a better boyfriend,yes. BUT...was she perfect,prolly not and heck ya she could have been better... In the end she did you real dirty after that long and leaving you for someone else no matter what caused it.mine was cold and insanely meniacl about it and shut me out...called police on me for knocking on her door,blocked all calls and texts,hateful and nasty...zero respect for all I'd done for her and her family...these are all character flaws and they'll come out with the next person after they get comfortable...

 

Like I said never ever ever call her and tell your buddies politely you'd rathernot bring her up for awhile, or change the subject tthey'll take the hint.she's having fun now but just think she'll be in another committed argumentative cruddy relationship six months from now...miserable or unhappy...and you'll be out living the single life...start looking at the pros they are there...not all cons

Edited January 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[seminoles84]

Agree with Chuck. You got to stop idolizing her in your mind. I made the same mistake for the longest time. If you objectively think about things (I know, hard) you will see it for what it is. Time heals.

[unforgotten]

I agree with both. I idolize her too much and have trouble finding her flaws. I'm getting there though. The biggest one is definitely the way she ended things. That shows some major character flaws. Selfishness at it's best.

 

Thanks for posting comments such as these. They help a lot. When I feel down I just come here and read stories of other people. I was feeling awful today and went for a walk with a buddy of mine and poured my heart out to him and I feel like a sunshine now. It's funny how things work.

 

I hope the day comes when I won't care anymore.

[Chuck636333]

I hope the day comes when I won't care anymore.

 

Well I can guarantee that much, when is a different story.thats all in the person