blackpolish Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Some background about me: I'm 22 years old and I've never dated anyone before. Also, technically I'm not allowed to date as I live with my parents and commute to school. I'm of south asian ancestry, so you can guess the story here. I met this guy online and we went on one date. He was very reserved and shy. We hit it off pretty well. All of the dates below have been through course of one week and have been about one and half hours long. On the first date he told me that his ex girlfriend was living with him but that she was leaving in a few months. I told him about my issues above, he's okay with it. He asks me to kiss him and I decline. We go on the second date and he asks me and I quote "How do you start a relationship" I told him that I didn't know how to answer that question. He kisses me on the second date. On the third date, he's tells me that he would not mind being in a relationship with me. I texted him and asked him how long it has been since he has broken up with his girlfriend. He says it has only been 2 months. They were together for four years. He asks me if anything concerns me. I say it does concern me a little and that I wanted to take things slow. He said he would clarify anything on the fourth date. On the fourth date, he told me that they broke up because she didn't put him as priority. He says that his ex gf was a good person but ultimately a bad gf. He also says that even though they have been broken up for 2 months, they've been having trouble for the whole year and that ultimately it was a relief that they broke up. He tells me that he is fine with taking things slow. Throughout this whole week, we only text for a little bit everyday and he doesn't call. I'm worried because it seems like he's moving a bit too fast. Maybe he's trying to fill void of his ex gf? I honestly have no idea what's normal or not because I've never dated before. Thoughts?
Satu Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I think you could do better. When it comes to relationships, simplicity is good, and complexity is bad. Dating you + broke up 2 months ago + cohabiting with ex + moving too fast = complexity. As I said, I think you could do better. 7
todreaminblue Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 seems like he is being fairly open and honest with you....he said he doesnt have a problem going slow....so....you define what you are comfortable with as far as moving too fast if he does..... be honest and open with him....good luck...deb 1
bathtub-row Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 The biggest red flag is that his gf is still living with him. It's very possible that they're not broken up at all. Very possible, and most likely the real situation. This is not a risk you should take. Let him know that you cannot date someone who's still with someone else. No matter what he says, all evidence points to them being together and you don't know him well enough to believe anything other than what you see. By the time you get hooked on him, he's going to tell you some other nonsense like, she still can't find a place to live, I need the financial help, she lost her job, blah, blah, blah. And, yes, your instincts are correct -- he is moving way too fast. This is usually indicative of a controlling or abusive personality. Also, the fact that he rarely calls you is another red flag. It's probably because he doesn't want to call you in front of his gf (who probably has no clue they're 'broken up') Be very careful with this guy. 2
Author blackpolish Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 oh I forgot to mention his gf left his apartment today I think.
Adele0908 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 In my opinion, and this is based on my own point of view...is that him living with his ex girlfriend is a problem for you. The first problem here with you that I see (just my perspective) is that you have controlling parents. You are a 22 year old young WOMAN. They should not be stopping you from dating...that is absurd. I understand that they are south Asian (Indian?), and I know how some Indian parents are. I have had a few Indian friends growing up and some of their stories were disturbing, as far as controlling parents. Also, my father is from West Africa, and very "traditional" aka "controlling", so I know how it is. But they are doing you a disservice. Second problem I see, is that it SEEMS that this guy is trying to take advantage of your lack of experience with men. That woman he lives with is most likely still his girlfriend. She could even be his wife. Some guys are that bold when it comes to lying. In my opinion, the only way you could handle this situation is if you were a "bad girl" type. If you were just out to have fun, get what you could out of the situation, and move on with your life. These types of women can easily handle a situation like this with no fux given. Girls like this will actually break up the relationship and get the man. But you seem like a good girl type (innocent) so you might get played. 1
Assada Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I'm a guy This dude seems needy and pretty foolish. Here are red flags for me: 1. He asked you to kiss him 2. He asked how to get into a relationship. I think he is spectacularly insecure, because of him asking the relationship question. He doesnt even know you yet. You have every reason to feel strange about the situation in my opinion 3
darkmoon Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) oh I forgot to mention his gf left his apartment today I think. ok, pay him a visit, i would but then i am cautious like that with any guy, red flag here = if i can not visit them or phone them at home, no excuses will do as they are not batchelors or single so no sex until you feel safe and you are understanding of his good nature Edited January 7, 2015 by darkmoon 1
Author blackpolish Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Sorry a mistake of my original post: on the first date he asks "Do you do first kisses?" I say no sorry. Then on the second date he says that he asked me that because he didn't want to pressure me physically. Edited January 7, 2015 by blackpolish
GravityMan Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Yeah, you can do a heck of a lot better than this guy. 1) His story doesn't add up, regarding the "ex"-girlfriend. 2) He seems very insecure, even with your clarification on kisses. Confident men don't ask about kissing at all...they just go for it, ideally when the time is right. 3) He just comes across as a weirdo in general. Him asking those questions when he's allegedly already had a 4-year relationship under his belt just makes him even more strange.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 While his EX GF of 2 whole months (vs a 4 year relationship) is still living with him, the fact that he's dating indicates to me that he's a cad. Since she is not even out of the building yet, at best you are a rebound. This is a guy who can't function outside of a relationship. He wants a woman, any woman & you are naïve enough to put up with the GF still living there. BTW what's your strategy for dealing with your parents? No matter who it is, they aren't going to be happy you went behind their back. 1
MissTrudy Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 yeah, ditch him. if you have to date someone secretly, make sure it's someone worth your time! good luck
Ieris Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 RUN! as fast as you can! +1 You're just rebound, don't believe everything someone tells you. They will say anything just to lure you in... x
Dork Vader Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 We can alk tell you what we view as red flags but ultimately it is for you to decide what is acceptable and what is not. You have morals and values that are unique to you. You ideally want to date someone with similar morals and values. That said would I want too date someone that is only 2 months out of a 4 year relationship? Not really, I highly doubt they are completely over it. Would I want to date someone that is still living with their ex? Hell no, that is drama drama drama. Think about it, this man has a history with her. She also likely still likes him. If the relationship is over he can move out. Until he does the relationship is not completelt over, he's still interacting with her. Broaching the subject of a relationship after 3 dates is not normal. It is moving extremely fast. But always keep in mind it is your choice. If something bothers you voice your opinion and/or move on. Plenty of men out there for you to date. If you really like the guy, just say I really like you but I don't think you're ready to date yet. Give me a call when your ex has moved out.
strawberryshortstack Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I would be very concerned about his ex-gf still living with him. It IS possible that they actually are broken up. I lived in the same room with my ex for nearly a year after the breakup. But we had opposite schedules, rarely slept in the bed together, and I did not start dating until I'd moved into my own room - still in the same house, but the relationship is most definitely over for good. But even if they are truly broken up, 2 months out of a relationship with her still living there is a red flag to me. To truly get over someone, most people need to break off contact, and that's hard to do when the ex is still there.
Danda Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 His choices seem unhealthy and questionable to me. Dating again after just a couple months out of a serious relationship, and while still living with her, and him bringing up relationship-starting - dude might as well have REBOUNDING TRAIN WRECK written on his forehead. And if the ex is really an ex and is really moving out in a few months, why didn't he wait to start dating until then? He can't handle waiting a few months so as not to have such a crazy situation? Also when someone you just started dating is bashing their ex, even 'gently' it's always a huge red flag.
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