kacper Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Was together with a girl for just under a year. We both went into the relationship feeling very grounded and confident. 99 percent of the time it was nothing but kisses and cuddles. We traveled together. Worked on projects together. I met her whole family. Everyone thought we were adorable. I was totally content. But then in the second half of the relationship, she noticed I was slammed with work and was concerned I was a workaholic, like her dad. She did not want to date an emotionally unavailable guy. It came up a few more times after that, while I tried to balance life and work. Finally, we had a fight where I was sulking and acting immature. She had enough and called it quits. I've dated a lot of girls and there's no doubt in my mind she is one of the great ones. Upon the breakup I took full responsibility and said that I was willing to do whatever was needed to mend things. I realised she needed me to be a lot more active in deepening our relationship. But nope, she stuck to her guns and didn't budge. I did the NC thing for a month while I started addressing my issues. Changed my role at work, started doing yoga to relax more, finally got the dog I wanted and even started therapy to be a better communicator. I met up with her and told her about the changes. She was very tearful and we exchanged "I love yous" but said that change takes time. She needs time and space too. A reconnection might be possible, but not anytime soon. So my idea was to give her 2 months to herself, and then reach out as a friend. While I clue her in to my continuing self-care, we can see if there is still something there. If there is, then I'm ready to give the relationship my all. If not, then I'm cool being friends. Personally I am cool being friends with ex's. Do I have a chance here?
Satu Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Do I have a chance here? Forget your question. Stay in the moment and find your good feelings for yourself. Open your heart and open your mind, and what is meant to be will be. Make peace with that thought.
Noproblem Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I like how you changed some part of you to become a better person but I hate how she left you because of your working habits and how she is still not welcoming to the prospect of a relationship again. You are giving her all the power in this relationship
Light Breeze Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Continue on improving yourself and please do this for YOU and not for her. Live your life and move on. She'll come back if she wants to try again. Right now she holds all the cards, don't give her that. She dumped you because of something that could have been easily worked on or compromised. Don't beg, don't be clingy, don't be needy - She'll pull away more and you'll lose your self respect. When the fog clears think hard on whether you want a woman who gave you up easily without even trying. I'm going to bet if she doesn't change her attitude now it will happen again in the future. If you reconcile you're going to be walking on eggshells everyday knowing that a little showing of emotional "unavailabilty" on your part will result in her running away again. Think about that. 3
Author kacper Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 I do realise I am giving her all the control during the breakup. I'm okay with that, to an extent. The fact is she deserves some control. I lead the pace of the a lot relationship and that was one of its failings. Regarding being needy and clingy, I have the opposite problem. I am usually accused of being aloof and hard to reach. The only thing I can hold my girlfriend to is that I think it was unjust, how resolute she was at the end. I truly did not know she was looking at our issues as dealbreakers. Had I known I would have acted a long time ago to address them. If I loved someone, and they pledged a serious issue is being addressed, I would stick around for a little bit longer to see if they follow through. The fact that she quit on us, does indeed not bode well. In the relationship I thought she was a saint, but in the breakup, I'm seeing some unsettling behavior. The change I am doing to myself is inspired by her, but I did a sanity check with close friends and family, who all agreed I could definitely pull back on work, and yoga never hurts anybody. The therapy was also something I was always curious about. I know that she believes in change, because her Dad did get a lot better about his work addition and her best friend is in a happy relationship that was given a second chance. But in both cases about a year had passed. What I am really struggling with is whether I should stay in her life as a friend, or go totally NC indefinitely. I feel like full NC is kind of immature. If we had a little contact with each other after a few months apart, then maybe I would see she really isn't all that spectacular, or she would see that I am actually sticking to my changes.
KBarletta Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 The fact that she quit on us, does indeed not bode well. Totally agree. I think you need to take a good bit of time (don't be a "friend" to her) and concentrate on yourself, the things you've mentioned. The quote above is a red flag to me. She did not give you a chance to address the problem that ultimately led to her decision. That brings up issues of 1. Communication, 2. Trust, 3. Maturity, 4. Equality in the relationship. Those are all serious issues that I think are revealed when someone walks away out of the blue and offers the dumpee no chance to address the issue at hand. She clearly has work to do here, too, and I would be reluctant to just hang around and wait for her to come back. I think you both need time in NC.
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 In all honesty? I think there is another reason for her breaking up with you. Maybe another person. Maybe not. But she could have let you know what was happening, given you a chance to make changes, but NOPE. She broke it off. I say you move on without her, use the lessons learned and get with someone that can appreciate the changes that she helped you instill.
HurtGator Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Are you sure she never mentioned anything about work before? Her issue sounds very similar to my exgf's issue. Her dad used to be a workaholic that resulted in her dad's divorce (they later remarried). I used to work late at work in spurts of a few days at a time because it was that part of the project. But even when I did work late I still made time for her after work by driving to her house 40 miles away (30 miles from her house back to mine) just to see here for an hour or two. But she didn't care. She projected her dad's old work issues on me and she just had a hard time dealing with it. I kept telling her that its temp and the project is almost done. But she didn't care and all she did was complain that I always put work ahead of her at all times.... And we work together so she knows what is going on at work. Edited January 7, 2015 by HurtGator
fromheart Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I agree with the other posters, don't contact her. You've made it clear that you have taken steps to change. She is carrying her issues as well, is she taking steps to address those? Why is everything your fault. You've taken the steps needed to change. If she doesn't come back, she is not the one. 1
Author kacper Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Well, here's what I decided to do.... She definitely has some issues to work out in the communication department, but in all honesty, I am the one that has to sort out my sh*t. That's my top priority for the next few months. While I do that its NC. But when I feel pretty good about moving on, I'm going to shoot her a text to hang out. Very light and casual. It might take a few tries to get her to come around, but I think I can manage it. If I'm actually over her, then we stay friends. If I still have feelings, then I feel out if there is anything being returned. If there isn't, I go back to NC for a while and start again. Eventually I will either be cool to stay friends, or we'll get back together. Long process, but she's a pretty great lady, despite some of her issues. I'd regret not giving it my all.
Light Breeze Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) If you 1. Know what you're doing 2. Happy with your decision 3. Ready to accept the possible consequences/outcomes/repercussions of your plan, then do it. Be warned though, she may find someone new during this period. It's best if you prepare for that. Please make an effort to truly move on and not just to get her back, otherwise, you might just end up back in square one. Good Luck brother. Edited January 8, 2015 by Light Breeze
Author kacper Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Oh, I should mention that a smaller scale version of a breakup like this happened once before. Maybe it will help some people out there.... So I was seeing a girl for a few months and everything was cool. Then she got really freaked out when I called her my girlfriend. She ran into the arms of another guy, and I bailed. I was hurt for a few weeks and then was over it. I met with her around that point, and had a very casual conversation with her about what had happened. I wasn't hurt anymore, joked with her a bit, and wished her happiness. Not only did she come around about 6 months later, but when she was engaged years later, she said she never stopped thinking about me, and wondered how I felt about her. So there is something to be said for staying friends, if you want a girl back. Trick is you have to actually be over her.
Neph_Deff Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Two months isn't a long amount of time. You both have things to work out. Perhaps she just needs more time. Personally I know how hard it is but you cant rush into things. Use this time to work on yourself. She needs to miss you and see that you have changed. I tell myself that if it is meant to be it will be and this is just how it has to be for now. By the sounds of things you two will reconcile but you both need time.
Author kacper Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Yeah, I think for guys like me, who always think in very logical terms, it's tempting to give the reconciliation a timeline. 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, etc. As hard as it is to do, the better way to look at it is this: Do I feel as good as I did when I met her? Great, but that's not good enough, because she dumped that guy. Do I feel better and wiser than I did when I met her? Awesome. But it's still not time. Do I feel so good that I'm overflowing with good vibes, and I can share that with the people in my life? Yes. Now it's time. Point being, it's not enough to get to a better you, because in a relationship you need to give a lot of yourself. You need to have enough confidence, love, and understanding for THE BOTH OF YOU. That does take time, indeed.
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