how to respond to personally-directed sarcasm on a first date?

[Eddy Street]

I've had a few first dates recently (this past fall) where women would attack me on something I said about myself, my family or about things I consider my passions, and it felt like a downright personal attack each time. For example, I was discussing my new-found hobby of experimenting with food and cooking, and this girl says "really? what do you cook? eggs?"

 

I guess I can't take a joke, and though I can insult people I am pathetic when it comes to catching myself if somebody trips me.

 

I guess it's a normal thing for women to test guys on first dates, to see if they are clever or witty enough to be cool enough for them, and I guess there is a proper way to respond to such tests. I'd like to learn it.

[TabbyHearts]

They might be trying to be "cute" as weird as that sounds, like teasing you by challenging something you say.

 

I wasn't too impressed when the following conversation happened to me on a date recently:

 

Him: So do you play any instruments?

Me: Yeah, when I was a kid I took harp lessons!

Him: Laughs, makes a gesture with his arms like he's playing the harp and it's dumb

Me: So, what about you?

Him: Yeah I play the piano.

Me: Oh if you play the piano you can actually play the harp, it's the same thing except you pluck the strings instead of press the keys.

Him: Yeah, but why would I want to?

 

 

uhhh...ok then. way to be polite (read: rude) and kill a convo.

 

 

Unfortunately I'm usually too polite in a social situation, especially a date, to call someone out on their sh**.

[regine_phalange]

Why don't you play along? I don't think the egg comment was offensive. You could answer that you can cook a hummingbird egg for her.

[evanescentworld]

I've had a few first dates recently (this past fall) where women would attack me on something I said about myself, my family or about things I consider my passions, and it felt like a downright personal attack each time. For example, I was discussing my new-found hobby of experimenting with food and cooking, and this girl says "really? what do you cook? eggs?"

 

I guess I can't take a joke, and though I can insult people I am pathetic when it comes to catching myself if somebody trips me.

 

I guess it's a normal thing for women to test guys on first dates, to see if they are clever or witty enough to be cool enough for them, and I guess there is a proper way to respond to such tests. I'd like to learn it.

 

Just looking at them in a semi-serious way and replying "That's an interesting comment, why do you say that?"

 

Puts them on the spot.

Every time.

 

Her remark (in my opinion) was sexist.

And ignorant. ("Men can't cook!")

Does she not realise that most (though not all) of the most accomplished and renowned world-famous chefs - are men?

 

 

Always turn the comment back on them, with the above question.

it soon shows them in their true colours....

 

However, don't lose your sense of humour.

Women love a man who can be made to laugh, and who can make THEM laugh....

 

I'll leave it to you to judge the right circumstances....

[elaine567]

Why don't you play along? I don't think the egg comment was offensive. You could answer that you can cook a hummingbird egg for her.

 

I do not think it was offensive either, it was a tease, meant to get a jokey reaction back, I would guess.

Seems to me life is very serious for some and deeper meanings are sought for everything, when all it is, is banter and an attempt to lighten the mood.

 

Obviously the OP was on the defensive for some reason about his cooking so she was seen as criticising, but I doubt that was her intention.

[Eddy Street]

As for the conversation, I laughed awkwardly for a few moments and then I replied:

 

"Ha, you chose the one thing I'm not good at! Not even my dog will eat my eggs"

 

I hoped it might be a good reply but she looked me with what seemed like a bit of pity and said:

 

"I was just joking"

 

Then the date was basically over.

 

I guess I'm on the defensive a lot, but if you knew the sort of abuse I had to put up with growing up and how many times I was challenged on my very humanity as a child you might get some sort of idea of why I am the way that I am.

[Danda]

I'd just take it as a sign that the two of you have mismatched senses of humor, which is often a significant part of overall chemistry, anyway, so it's good to know before asking her for more dates.

 

I personally love satire and sarcasm, some friends I've had would tell stories in very colorful ways with lots of impressions of people and so on, and that sort of thing would often crack me up pretty badly.

 

But other people might find it immature, offensive, mean-spirited, etc.

 

I don't really see it as right or wrong, just an aspect that is often important to be matched up on if you're going to pursue a relationship, or at least if your senses of humor are different, make sure one doesn't bother the other.

 

Different people can have different concepts of "playful" as well. I'm the sort of person who can enjoy a mock-argument (as in pretending to be arguing over something obviously very silly) and even find it somewhat flirty. Other people might just find that sort of thing to be obnoxious and stupid.

 

I had a friend in high school who was very much into what she called "British Humor" and an example she gave was Monty Python (not sure if I'm spelling that right). I spent a night at her house and we watched this stuff together, and I didn't really find anything funny about the vast majority of it while she was damn near howling with laughter. This made her look kind of crazy to me haha, but we were friends so I didn't take it weirdly.

 

On the other hand Metalocalypse just about made me pee my pants laughing, especially Murderface, and when I tried to show it to my mother she looked at me like I ought to be in a mental ward.

 

People can be very different about this sort of thing. Just gotta find your cup of tea.

[Eddy Street]

Maybe there is no cup of tea for me, because all of these women, even the Ghanaian woman (who you would think would be less aggressive) challenged me in this playful way. I need to learn and conform.

[deathandtaxes]

I've had a few first dates recently (this past fall) where women would attack me on something I said about myself, my family or about things I consider my passions, and it felt like a downright personal attack each time. For example, I was discussing my new-found hobby of experimenting with food and cooking, and this girl says "really? what do you cook? eggs?"

 

I guess I can't take a joke, and though I can insult people I am pathetic when it comes to catching myself if somebody trips me.

 

I guess it's a normal thing for women to test guys on first dates, to see if they are clever or witty enough to be cool enough for them, and I guess there is a proper way to respond to such tests. I'd like to learn it.

 

 

You need to grow a thick skin. Only the most psychopathic people are actually going to attack you personally. That you are perceiving it as such indicates that something is wrong with your humor detection. They're trying to be funny and get the conversation flowing. It was the perfect opening for you to talk about what you really like to cook. But you took umbrage at it and I guarantee your date noticed.

[Danda]

Maybe there is no cup of tea for me, because all of these women, even the Ghanaian woman (who you would think would be less aggressive) challenged me in this playful way. I need to learn and conform.

 

What is the exact number behind "all" of these women? Compared to how many women around your age exist in your area alone, let alone your country or even the world. Just keep it in perspective here.

 

Also bear in mind that many factors about ourselves, such as our perceptions, our approaches, our own behaviors/attitudes, etc can often wind up attracting "types" to us over and over again.

 

Like if I had a rather apologetic doormat demeanor about me, then I'd be way more likely to attract way more a-holes. Because women with healthy self-esteem and self-respect wouldn't tolerate their bull****, so they pretty much have to go for low self-esteem/respect women. As an extreme example.

 

Do you make fun of yourself at all in your profile anywhere? Or poke fun at yourself a lot in conversations with women prior to securing dates? Do you display any apologetic behaviors, such as thanking them for even talking to you or actually apologizing for "probably bothering" them or anything along such lines? Because such things send subtle but notable signals to bully-types that you're a prime target. Whereas positive energy towards others instead of negative energy towards yourself might have different results. (Just as a random possible example.)

[Frank2thepoint]

I've had a few first dates recently (this past fall) where women would attack me on something I said about myself, my family or about things I consider my passions, and it felt like a downright personal attack each time. For example, I was discussing my new-found hobby of experimenting with food and cooking, and this girl says "really? what do you cook? eggs?"

 

As for the conversation, I laughed awkwardly for a few moments and then I replied:

 

"Ha, you chose the one thing I'm not good at! Not even my dog will eat my eggs"

 

I hoped it might be a good reply but she looked me with what seemed like a bit of pity and said:

 

"I was just joking"

 

Then the date was basically over.

 

You could have went along with her joke, smiled, and mentioned what else you cook with the eggs. Whether bacon, an omelette, toasted bread, etc.. Then wrapped it up by saying "Is is very delicious. You should try my eggs sometime."

 

Regardless, don't take everything a woman says too seriously. Try to always be in a care-free and comedic mood. As far as your response went, it was pretty good in my opinion, because you made a lite self-depracating joke. Her reaction, and obvious response to the conversation, made her look judgmental and uptight. You dodged a bullet.

[todreaminblue]

I've had a few first dates recently (this past fall) where women would attack me on something I said about myself, my family or about things I consider my passions, and it felt like a downright personal attack each time. For example, I was discussing my new-found hobby of experimenting with food and cooking, and this girl says "really? what do you cook? eggs?"

 

I guess I can't take a joke, and though I can insult people I am pathetic when it comes to catching myself if somebody trips me.

 

I guess it's a normal thing for women to test guys on first dates, to see if they are clever or witty enough to be cool enough for them, and I guess there is a proper way to respond to such tests. I'd like to learn it.

 

 

i read below where you say you have to conform to what their ideal is on a first date.....who told you that?

 

 

as another poster said mismatched humor......i didnt find the cook eggs thing a funny joke.....rather plain and common.......dont know why you want to conform to that......to give you a pitying look after and saying i was joking......the fact she had to say i was joking shows obviously her humor fell flat on its butt....dont conform...to anyones idea of humor..especially lame attempts that are more a put down than a sense of humor.......we each have our own for a reason.......good luck....deb

[StanMusial]

"Hell no, eggs make me fart."

[Art_Critic]

what do you cook? eggs?"

 

Only in the mornings after sleeping in, you game ?

[Danda]

Something else to consider, if you seem a little unsettled by sarcastic humor like that, pay very close attention to how she responds to your subtle anxiety. Assuming you don't have a damn near mental breakdown over it or something and just accidentally take it the wrong way, a healthy-minded person will explain to you that they were trying to break the ice, get the convo rolling, make you laugh, etc (so they will explain his/herself) and then they'll move on in a chill manner and tone it down. Someone with NPD traits will shame your reaction and possibly then ramp it up. They will basically explain to you how you should feel about whatever they just said.

 

This is a subtle but important distinction. It doesn't necessarily mean full-blown NPD but it's a tendency.

[Gloria25]

You need to grow a thick skin. Only the most psychopathic people are actually going to attack you personally. That you are perceiving it as such indicates that something is wrong with your humor detection. They're trying to be funny and get the conversation flowing. It was the perfect opening for you to talk about what you really like to cook. But you took umbrage at it and I guarantee your date noticed.

 

I don't think the example the OP used was "cruel" or "mean". But, I think it was insensitive.

 

She should of said something like "Cool, any favorite dishes?"

 

I mean, dates - especially first dates - you want to show the person you have genuine interest in them. No room to "test" their sense of humor, IMO. If I were to bring out sarcasm in first meeting someone, I wouldn't direct it at them.

 

I strive hard to treat men sweetly - when I'm in a RL with them. I hear too many calls into my fav podcaster of women who are dismissive of men.

 

Now, in first trying to get to know a guy - I might say funny stuff - which may make it look like I'm playing it cool and not that into them (protecting myself from rejection)...once I start actually seeing them, I of course, will watch my tongue.

 

BTW, I'm not a fan of this "oh you need to get a thicker skin" thing. While I can get mean, I feel bad when I do and I don't like mean people either. I think the whole "get a thicker skin" is akin to "turning the other cheek".

 

At my job, there's a lady a few on the team are snickering about. I wanna walk over and punch them. Not nice. I just keep to myself than be with a bunch of jerks.

[Toodaloo]

Well look on the bright side...

 

You could have really messed it up by saying something along the lines of "Never mind the eggs what I can do with chicken is nothing short of pornographic"...

 

Eddie honey - just laugh at yourself. Relax. Enjoy just being who you are. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

 

These girls you hardly know them nor them you so quite frankly their opinions at this point mean diddly squat. Next time just smile, and reply that they clearly have not had a peek at your hidden depths yet and change the conversation.

 

I work with a bunch of guys who can be really insulting - I don't take it that way - I take it as they are showing they care by ripping the tiddle out of me. They go at everything from weight to hair to food to hand cream... I get my own back on them in my own way I actually think I ma ahead on points at the moment.

 

Your not going to be comfortable with others until you can be comfortable in yourself.

[Diezel]

The eggs comment bothers you?

 

I think you need to toughen up a bit, that's by far the worst thing I've heard.

"Yeah, eggs, which is probably more than what most American women can cook."

 

Or

 

"Yeah, eggs, many women don't realize the intricacies that go into making the perfect omelette."

[elaine567]

As for the conversation, I laughed awkwardly for a few moments and then I replied:

 

"Ha, you chose the one thing I'm not good at! Not even my dog will eat my eggs"

 

I hoped it might be a good reply but she looked me with what seemed like a bit of pity and said:

 

"I was just joking"

 

Then the date was basically over.

 

I guess I'm on the defensive a lot, but if you knew the sort of abuse I had to put up with growing up and how many times I was challenged on my very humanity as a child you might get some sort of idea of why I am the way that I am.

 

I think you need to work on self assertiveness and people skills and do not take everything a person says as being somehow directed at you personally in an negative way.

It is easy to get offended by a trivial comment, but I doubt someone on a date was deliberately trying to hurt you or put you down.

 

I guess, when you said ""Ha, you chose the one thing I'm not good at! Not even my dog will eat my eggs" you looked hurt or upset, which then promped awkwardness on her part and ruined the date.

 

Whereas "Ha, you chose the one thing I'm not good at! Not even my dog will eat my eggs" in a jokey way, with a laugh, a smile or some over the top fake hurt, would have made her feel at ease and the date would have gone well and you cooking eggs for dogs, may have been a source of amusement to you both for decades to come...

[elaine567]

The eggs comment bothers you?

 

I think you need to toughen up a bit, that's by far the worst thing I've heard.

"Yeah, eggs, which is probably more than what most American women can cook."

 

Or

 

"Yeah, eggs, many women don't realize the intricacies that go into making the perfect omelette."

 

Both those comments would have put her teeth on edge and may even have provoked an argument.