Lancaster Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Can you grow feelings for someone? I have never had to ask myself this question before. I am looking for outsider opinions. I have searched online and found great advice but I think my question is rather specific. Nitty gritty- I am a 22 year old girl who just so happens to not have found the guy to give my virginity too. Why? I am very old fashioned/romantic and I believe that there should be a mutual 'love' for each other. I am a very confident girl, although obviously- my beliefs have held me back sexually with guys. Back to the point. I have been 'seeing' "Henry" (age 25) over the last two/three months over a string of eight dates, hanging out etc. Eight? Work has decreased this number...one issue that I think has delayed/stopped my feelings for "Henry". This guy is great (famous last words) we met very randomly ( we used to go to primary school together-neither if us have a recollection of this...I also loosely know his cousin) I was very confident with my feelings for him initially, I'm the type of girl who wouldn't go on a second date if I didn't feel 'it'. Which is where the confusion comes. When I am spending time with Henry I am very happy (note- I do not get butterfly's) we are very tactile with each other and there must be a connection there...but when I am away from him I have NO feelings for him. ( Will this come with time?) And this is very confusing to me, I know I would be upset if he turned around and cut things off (but I'm not sure why). Things to know:- *I by surprise met his family on our third date (first kiss also) they were all very aware of who I was and were very welcoming and lovely. *he also met my mother this weekend seventh/eighth date-mother loved him (I would not normally do this) *he has not asked me to be his girlfriend (which helps my situation, for now) *he has not met my friends There is nothing to be lost by continuing my relationship with Henry, but I am very aware he is ready for more (sex). And we have not had the 'chat' about my virginity (I am very open about this subject to my friends and family). Where do I stand? I really don't want to lead Henry on. But I also feel after I explain my beliefs about sex this would clear up if this is something which he wants part of. But when is too soon? I may have rambled on...and I haven't even started. But any help would be truly appreciated.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 No. Well, sometimes you can grow feelings for a good friend you've had for a while but never had reason to see in a sexual manner, even then it's usually something you know is simmering beneath the surface but you're repressing because it isn't the right time or it won't be reciprocated. If you're not craving his attention or affection when you're away from him, you ain't gonna fall in love with him. When you're into somebody you can't wait to hear from them, you crave their voice, you can't wait to talk to them for HOURS about your lives, your goals, to learn everything you can about them. You jump when your phone buzzes hoping it's them. It's a form of insanity, really, and it's to greater or lesser extents depending on the couple... but if you leave him after a date and don't have any drive or desire to be around him again soon, I don't think your 'friendly' feelings are going to grow into much more. I have friends I enjoy being around and have fun with and then don't see for a few months, when I meet a new partner I'm already thinking each time I'm with them when the next time we're both free is gonna be because it's so exciting to be around them. Which leaves the question of your virginity... would you rather save it for the 'love of your life' who may or may not appear sometime soon... and with whom it might not work out romantically anyway? Or would you rather sleep with this guy, who you like and trust enough, getting rid of the pressure of virginity and leaving you free to explore sex with anybody you like and really get to know yourself? Holding out to love your virginity with someone you're in love with can really put a lot of pressure on a blossoming relationship, but I'm not going to tell you you should have sex before you're ready! Personally I couldn't wait to get rid of my virginity so I could jump headfirst into sex... I lost it to my first 'love', at 17. Only together a few months but the feelings were strong enough that I was and am glad it was with him, someone I felt safe with, who I loved being around, and who I could be open about sex with. I wouldn't personally have wanted to have my first time with somebody I didn't get butterflies with even though I was eager to lose it so it wasn't a big deal anymore and sex could be casual if necessary.
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Not really. You can grow more fond of someone but it's unlikely that you can grow love. Then again, the ability to grow love is the premise behind arranged marriages, that in time you will come to care for each other. I don't believe it. 1
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I feel that sex is one of those things that you can't really (effectively) approach in a purely planned, methodical manner, but rather it's very much based on how you feel and when you're ready and with the right person. It's something that can take you by surprise in that regard. I've read and heard many people stating specific time frames and such, and I find it humorous in a cute way, like I wonder if they don't realize that their timetables don't really mean anything if the feelings hit them (or don't). - Safety - Respect - Empathy - Comfort It's the basics like that which you need to feel confident and good about, but it could arise at any point. We're all different and it's never right or wrong. 1
Gaeta Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I just find it unusual that as a 22 yo virgin you are ready to give up the virginity after 8 dates. Don't you think you have more to discover about Henry and more of a connection to work on? If you had been seeing him for 6 months and said you don't feel butterflies and don't think about him when he's absent then I would say end it but, you've just had 8 dates! What's the rush? Also, how can he be so special after 8 dates that you are picking him as your special guy to give up on your virginity with?
Jules Dash Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 After 22 years, I am also not clear why Henry is the guy. I am not discouraging you or any thing. I am just wondering.
orangetree Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I also don't think you can fall in love with someone over time. What I do think is you can learn to love someone. When you spend a lot of time with a person over a long period of time, you're getting used to that person, start liking him/her, start loving him/her after a while. BUT what is missing is the 'being in love' part, the butterflies, the attraction, the not wanting to be without the other one. This is also a big and important part of a relationship. I had this feeling with my ex-boyfriend who I dated for three years. When we met for the first time, I wasn't even attracted to him. I didn't have butterflies. But he was a really nice guy who sincerely cared about me and always texted and called me, so I thought I should give him a chance, started to spend time with him and found myself getting used to him being with me. I did love him. BUT even after years of being together I just couldn't get rid of the feeling that I'm just not really in love with him and that I never had butterflies and all this. In the end I broke up, because it just wasn't enough. Save yourself and him the time and pain. 2
amaysngrace Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I think you being a virgin might be playing on your mind and is in some way keeping you from developing feelings. Just go at your own pace. Stay true to you.
shet Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 It's happened to me, I've grown romantic feelings for women I was platonic with for some time beforehand. But I'm very unusual. I once struggled with developing romantic feelings for a woman I'd known for 2 years, who was lesbian, which I knew perfectly well but that didn't stop the emotion rising from nowhere simply because we found ourselves spending a lot more time together. It's probably pretty rare. And besides, your problem is different, it's someone you're already dating. What I'd caution is this: the early lovey-dovey, can't bear to be apart, googley eyed part of a romance is bull****. It's a big con perpetrated by your hormones that is meaningless, it's a natural drug induced haze, an evolved response to get two people inseparably together long enough to continue the species. It has zero bearing on any real aspect of a relationship, which you'll realise once it wears off after 6 months. Some people are heavily affected by it and will swear to their graves it's a necessary part of a relationship despite all the endless evidence even from their own lives - these are the kinds of people raised on Disney films. Some people can see through it, and bring a balanced pragmatic eye to the relationship from day one. Particularly as we get older, successive relationship experiences teach us what actually matters and the stomach butterflies dissipate somewhat. We learn to maintain our own lives and interests and appreciate the actual addition, presence, tangible benefit of a person, rather than the idea of the person. Perhaps you are already able to be pragmatic, but still have that youthful sense from every piece of pop culture and all of society around you fooling you into feeling you should be giddy and lovestruck for a few months. Chasing that could end you up with an abusive ******* once the rose tinted smog clears - some people never learn this all their days. You enjoy his company. You like who he is. There is mutual care. These things matter. Going about your own business when you're apart instead of dreaming of him all day is not a flaw, and it doesn't matter.
preraph Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 My opinion is there's only one way to find out. Get on birth control 2 months before and then have sex with him and find out if it seems right to you and increases closeness or if it makes you realize he's just not the one. Life if for living, not for saving.
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