Need to get this out there

January 6, 2015

So, I have been in a relationship for ten months, we met on Match and clicked straight away, both from London and moved away when younger and now live ten miles apart in the next small town. We started slowly, she had a busy diary and a great network of friends. We slowly got to know each other and hen started staying at each others houses, us being careful at hers due to two young daughters, but eventually I met them slowly and built a relationship with them too. Obviously we have done lots together mini breaks, Christmas, meet the parents and stuff. Twice along the way she has backed off and done the I need space thing, this she told me early on was a trait and she tends to go into survival mode when stressed, don't need anybody type thing, and twice we have sorted it out by me being supportive and talking it through.

Since Christmas I have noticed a change in her behaviour, she's backed off considerably again without the I need space thing, I've had a gut feeling things weren't right, we had dinner Saturday at my place but she didn't stay and it's been a bit different, I've been a bit resentful of this backing off but not shown it, tried to give her space and still text regularly, call etc. so ive been expecting it but today she cancelled our meet up tomorrow night saying she has two clients to do their nails, new business venture, and I tried to say how about Thursday or Friday but she has said she's got plans, out of character so I asked her straight out, is everything ok.

She said no it's not, she feels there is something missing in our relationship, nothing I have done, nobody else involved, I actually believe this as I've never met anyone more honest and genuine in my 47 years. So I asked if it was fixable and she said no, it's a feeling in her stomach and she wished me happiness and that I deserve it. I've left it at that, ive not responded but wished her and her girls a happy life.

Obviously I'm gutted, here is the tough bit, I have tendencies not to be able to let things go for a while and end up torturing myself to the point of no sleep and depressive, I've already driven over to her house tonight and driven past a few times to see if ther is anyone there but this is normal pattern of behaviour for me, I check facebook every half hour, misread situations and think the worst, I think the worst in everything I do not just this issue. I've done this before with previous partners, eventually it ends and I don't obsess.

I need help to get over this obsessive tendency and to not drive over every night until the evening I see a strange car in the drive and start to picture a new man in her life and what they are doing, why do I put myself through this, I should be spending time with my daughters who live nearby and instead I'm beating myself up to the point of thoughts I should be having.

Edited January 6, 2015 by JonjMie

January 6, 2015

John, it's very easy for us to dispense advice on what you should be doing, and what good it will do you, but we're not the ones who have to do it.

I am going to suggest you block and delete all ways possible to "check" on her.

Unfriend/block her on Facebook, install a text-blocker on your phone, enter her number, then delete all contact details....

Look at yourself in the mirror, and know that it's her, not you.

And I hate to say it, but she knew this was coming. It's been brewing longer than you think, but women can be utter cowards, and some find it difficult to come out with it, be honest and say "this isn't working for me" and dump.

It could be cowardice; it could be that they really are scared of hurting you, or it could be that they just need you to be psychic and take the initiative.

Whichever way it went with her, it was very unfair.

I'm sorry she put you through that....

So, ring a good buddy, ask him to go out for a drink with you, and tell him at the beginning:-

"I am going to get totally, utterly, completely blitzed. Drunk as a skunk. Blathered. Piffed as a fart. Whatever I do, whatever I say, do not let me make a total arse of myself, and call her, text her, or talk to her in a drunken fug. When I pass out, take me home, tip me into bed, and let me sleep it off. Thanks."

Then pour your heart out to him.

Only do this once.

The next morning, hopefully, you will feel like crap, and your mouth will be like the north-end of a southbound camel.

Vow to never let a woman make you feel like this, again.

Nobody is worth that much discomfort.

January 6, 2015

Of course your right mate, that's the way I should deal with it and I'm actually feeling OK right this minute, probably because the last couple of weeks have been a bit rubbish and I feel angry for being treated like that, cowardly is right, we could have sat and talked about it over dinner, and yes I would have been hurt but that's respect in my opinion. I've been thinking lately that I need more interaction, as I've got older I have got more better at loving, cuddling, intimacy, speaking my feelings, probably since my daughter was born 13 years ago.

I am 4 1/2 years out of a marriage and good friends with my ex and her husband, but she was hurt badly by her husband in summer 2013 so when we got together that was probably ten months into her recovery and I expressed concern but should have walked away, it's clearly going to take her a while to be happy in herself.

She adopted two young girls then found out he was having an affair five months into having the girls at home, devastating for anybody I guess, he's getting remarried to the woman he had an affair with but I woudknt be surprised if I ever met him he would tell me about being not touchy feely and difficult to express feelings.

Thanks for the support it really helps, I read somewhere that you should let the grief wash over you and pick out the happy times and then that will make me a better person one day.

January 6, 2015

I think the best thing to do is to sit and think about yourself.

Know what you are like.

And in doing the self-assessment, decide how YOU think you should best work through this.

What would work - for you?

It's all very well taking advice, but take it all in, assess it, and do what works.

She's the 'broken' one, not you.

Maybe she did jump in a bit quick, after her experience with her ex, but then again, as you rightly point out - what's HIS side of things?

This wasn't your fault.

but do take one bit of counsel:

go No Contact.

Don't know if you've seen it already, but it's really a great read!

If not, I'll link it for you. But it's one of the first threads in this break-up section.... the all-new 2014 guide....

January 6, 2015

Yeah I'm going to try and do that, I know what my focus is and that is my amazing 13 year old daughter, her mum told her what happened and she's sent me the most mature and heart breaking text ever saying she's sorry and we have had a conversation if always longed for with someone that truly loves me for me, she made me cry but she deserves my full attention and a broken woman with relationship issues isn't going to get in the way anymore, enough is enough,

Edited January 6, 2015 by JonjMie

January 7, 2015

Jonjmie,

Alot of what you are going through and feeling resonates with me ( I am also 47).We broke up nearly 4 months ago after a 2.5 year relationship,after I didnt do what she wanted,ring,marriage,relocate and baby.

I have an 8 year old daughter who I dote on but who lives with her mother and I was getting the feeling that both she & I would have been isolated had I done what my ex wanted.

Anyways,she walked away and ever since I have been ruminating,over-thinking and analysing everything that happened in the relationship to the point of obsession.Like you,that is how I am.

What I have learnt however is that it doesnt fix the problem.To me,if she came back I would be the happiest person alive and out of the pain,but at what cost? The circumstances wouldnt have changed and she would still not be making any compromises.It would be a quick fix to make me feel good,but that would be it.

I have to look at myself and value myself and rediscover my self-love,because that has been shattered following her rejection.

I am taking small steps day by day and yes I have very down days but I am wanting to be through this so I can move on.Not trying to be through this,wanting to be and I know I will get there.

January 7, 2015

Your reply is much appreciated, its tough this morning, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and havent slept but trying to keep busy at work, I sell cars so the more hours I do the more cars I should sell, only downside is that I work long and rubbish hours, a lot of weekends and I think that effects my social life, and probbaly didnt help with the GF who had to make up her own entertianent if I was working.

Trying to still focus on my daughters and the lovely text she sent, Im focused on goign to the gym every night and rowing each evening to take me up to 10000 meters, up to 3k now.

I feel for you above, I guess moving away would have meant leaving your daughter and thats so tough. I wont be doing it again, shes the one thing that remains constant in my life.

January 7, 2015

The problem is fixable, it might not get this woman back but it will get help you to feel better.

You've been a needy guy Jonjmie, just like I've been. Women are like cats in some ways, they need to know they can come and go as they please. She probably feels she can't do that with you. When a woman gos distant, just let her go. She'll come back if she loves you.

No need to talk to her about it, unless she wants to talk. And then you just listen letting her do most of the talking.

The obsessive behaviour you're showing now, she felt that coming a mile off. If there are no other issues here, I'm going to say its probably your neediness that contributed to her walking away.

There's one thing you can do now to make yourself feel better, and that's to look after yourself, concentrate on what you do with your life. Let her go and walk on. Stop driving by her house, that's stalker behaviour. Don't call her, text her or message her. Every time you do not react to the impulse to reach out to her, you will get stronger. Recognise that you will be perfectly fine without her, even though it hurts right now.

Chances are, if she's still interested she'll contact you. But only if you don't contact her. IF she does get in contact, arrange to meet her and make sure she knows that she is free to do what she wants. That you love her but do not need her. Do not settle for 'just friends.' Show her a new improved you, lovers(without neediness) or nothing.

In the meantime, get in training. Work on your issues and take action. All the stuff you are experiencing, that was already in you. You're feeling it now because life is telling you to let go of the s~it you're carrying.

I'm in the same boat and its not easy. Mornings are the worst. But it does get better. Just work on yourself and hang in there.

January 7, 2015

I have to say, I neither get, nor perceive 'neediness' in this issue....

I sense that JonjMie might feel some remorse in that he feels he may have neglected her, or prioritised time with her in an unskilful way.... (his work hours, unsocial commitments) but I really don't get 'needy'.....

January 7, 2015

The problem is fixable, it might not get this woman back but it will get help you to feel better.

You've been a needy guy Jonjmie, just like I've been. Women are like cats in some ways, they need to know they can come and go as they please. She probably feels she can't do that with you. When a woman gos distant, just let her go. She'll come back if she loves you.

No need to talk to her about it, unless she wants to talk. And then you just listen letting her do most of the talking.

The obsessive behaviour you're showing now, she felt that coming a mile off. If there are no other issues here, I'm going to say its probably your neediness that contributed to her walking away.

There's one thing you can do now to make yourself feel better, and that's to look after yourself, concentrate on what you do with your life. Let her go and walk on. Stop driving by her house, that's stalker behaviour. Don't call her, text her or message her. Every time you do not react to the impulse to reach out to her, you will get stronger. Recognise that you will be perfectly fine without her, even though it hurts right now.

Chances are, if she's still interested she'll contact you. But only if you don't contact her. IF she does get in contact, arrange to meet her and make sure she knows that she is free to do what she wants. That you love her but do not need her. Do not settle for 'just friends.' Show her a new improved you, lovers(without neediness) or nothing.

In the meantime, get in training. Work on your issues and take action. All the stuff you are experiencing, that was already in you. You're feeling it now because life is telling you to let go of the s~it you're carrying.

I'm in the same boat and its not easy. Mornings are the worst. But it does get better. Just work on yourself and hang in there.

I wouldnt say I am needy to be honest, in fact on the scale probably central with a slight tilt to being distant.

She knows nothing about my obsessive thohghts, apart from here they are totally private and I have never displayed a leaning towards this. Its just early on when a relationship splits up, the answers you get are invaribly not enough, "doesnt feel right anymore" I dont know what I want to hear, I will never get the truth, maybe I do like to confirm, yes shes still on her own and miserable or yes, I knew it shes with someone else. All I know is it fades as the weeks go by and the urge to check up becomes less and less, Ive blocked her on everything and deleted facebook so as not to be tempted to make myself anxious, also taking Hyland Calms to take the edge of anxiety and worry. Seem to help very slightly.

I think shes still healing after the shock of what happened to her, a messy divorce which continues and two adopted children who are very very young and need her full attention.

January 8, 2015

Hey everyone I'm really struggling tonight, I'm almost hyper trying to keep myself busy and not doing anything constructive, purely to occupy my mind. If I dnt I keep thinking about her, what she's doing and thinking about her hair, her body, things we did, what I'm missing out on, a future, a lover, the prospect we had of moving in together in September which we discussed.

Also had some irrational thoughts tonight of doing something stupid, the only thing that stops me researching further is the thought of my little girl who is 12 and how her mum would have to break it to her, these thoughts come and go but had at least half a dozen today.

Taking calms to take away anxiety and maybe just a placebo but when the stomach knots come I take couple. No proper sleep for two days but going to the gym tonight and beat my target of 4000 meters rowing, then I've sort of half planned to drive past my GF house to see who is there, someone talk me out of it please

Edited January 8, 2015 by JonjMie

January 9, 2015

Well last night as I left the gym I did what I shouldn't have done and drove over to my exs house. The bedroom light was on but hers was the only car in the drive, I'm pretty sure there is nobody else involved but after being cheated on in my first marriage this is an issue I have. Unless somebody walked there which is unlikely then she was alone, despite an excuse on Tuesday for not seeing me was that she had her friends over, obviously a lie but if she doesn't want to see me then that's her choice not mine I guess.

I also don't think she would introduce anyone to the kids who are the most of the time until they go every other weekend to her dads, it was 5 months before I stayed over and even then got up early and out before they awoke and then was introduced slowly to them as a friend etc.

Tonight I'm not so frantic about driving over there but I know this won't subside for a while and I will make another journey to torture myself even more. How can I stop this cycle, I always dwell on the past even visiting old places I lived etc sometimes and reminiscing, is this a serious issue ?

I've taken a few US made Calms and watching some TV and need to get an early night as working all weekend.

NC continues and reading this forum helps as it clarifies if I did contact her I'm not gonna get the answers I'm looking for so what's the point, I understand the concept and it seems to be working for me although tempted on occasions. I've also come off FB until I can handle it all, she still my friend on there so she must think I've blocked her or something if she has even checked or tried to u friend me.

Advice needed please to stop this cycle of driving past her house, September I would have been moving in there and I'm sad at the loss of a start with a new family, great girl, nice location etc, I grew to love the kids after a few months and miss them.

January 9, 2015

Here are some tips that worked for me:

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

January 9, 2015

Advice needed please to stop this cycle of driving past her house, September I would have been moving in there and I'm sad at the loss of a start with a new family, great girl, nice location etc, I grew to love the kids after a few months and miss them.

Brother, it needs a lot of mental strength avoid that, but it can be done. I also struggled with driving past my ex's house the first two weeks of my BU. Then, I just stopped because by that time, I realized that I have to love myself first and that means avoiding anything that would hurt. It's tough but needs to be done. Don't beat yourself too bad about it, it's the early days for you. Just let time do its magic in the meantime distract yourself with hobbies and friends.

January 9, 2015

Your situation sounds remarkebly similar to my breakup. She told me she wasnt feeling it and I was a great guy for someone else. One area that you are way ahead of me in is that you didn't call your ex like i did. I pretty much ruined any shot I had. So keep up the no contact including driving by her house. I'm rooting for you

January 9, 2015

Your situation sounds remarkebly similar to my breakup. She told me she wasnt feeling it and I was a great guy for someone else. One area that you are way ahead of me in is that you didn't call your ex like i did. I pretty much ruined any shot I had. So keep up the no contact including driving by her house. I'm rooting for you

I'm trying dude but actually don't think I could get back with her now anyway as I would always be thinking that she might do it again and therefore I would have barriers up which isn't healthy. Just like most of us we never get answers and would be nice to know the truth going forward, it's hard to figure when someone just doesn't want to be with you anymore, and like a reply above says that doesn't happen overnight.

Who knows what her ideal relationship is, maybe I'm not muscly enough, or manly enough, or do annoying stuff, whatever it is she has chosen not to tell me so nothing I ca do about it now.

Edited January 9, 2015 by JonjMie

January 10, 2015

More advice please, I've set up my on line dating account again on Match today which is a distratction and like the banter.

This is where we met originally and we always had a laugh that my ex didn't know how to delete her account so left it there although unsubscribed and delet all the photos and the blurb.

On this particular site when you go on you can tell someone is on as there is a little green dot next to their name, guess who was on when I did a search !!

Account still blank but on there, so either setting it up again or seeing if I am ?

January 10, 2015

Not sure what advice you are looking for fella.Why would you want to get back on there knowing your ex could potentially be on there?

If you're doing no contact you need to stop logging onto sites where you know she may possibly be too.

Are you sure the real reason you logged in again was to reactivate your profile or to check if she was on it?

I have been where you are and got so obsessed about my ex at times that the only thing I could do was not put myself in a position where i may see or hear something i didnt like.

Whether that be blocking,deleting,deactivating certain sites or telling mutual friends i didnt want to hear anything about her,i did that because i knew it would trigger my obsessing.

Im not going to lie,i still battle the finding out about her but it wont heal me if i did.i know shes in another relationship and what she does is none of my business.

What is my business is getting over her,healing myself and moving on.Her loss

January 10, 2015

Not sure what advice you are looking for fella.Why would you want to get back on there knowing your ex could potentially be on there?
If you're doing no contact you need to stop logging onto sites where you know she may possibly be too.

Are you sure the real reason you logged in again was to reactivate your profile or to check if she was on it?

I have been where you are and got so obsessed about my ex at times that the only thing I could do was not put myself in a position where i may see or hear something i didnt like.

Whether that be blocking,deleting,deactivating certain sites or telling mutual friends i didnt want to hear anything about her,i did that because i knew it would trigger my obsessing.

Im not going to lie,i still battle the finding out about her but it wont heal me if i did.i know shes in another relationship and what she does is none of my business.

What is my business is getting over her,healing myself and moving on.Her loss

I've genuinely logged on to get back in the game, maybe too soon but seeking some solice I'm an attractive guy, tall and in good shape although not getting any younger, wrong I know but like the banter, just happened a search in my area for ten miles brings up her profile, she hasn't updatede hers though so either thinking about it or checking to see if I am on there, like you say though what's the point I'm not contacting her any other way, mates at work have been great and being supportive, had a couple of beers tonight to ensure I stay indoors and not drive to her house.

January 10, 2015

Jonjmie,i wasnt being critical just putting in my tuppence worth because i did the same shortly after the break up and created profiles on a few dating websites,not because i wanted to see my ex but because i wanted to try and fill the void in my life.

Trouble is i was comparing all other girls to my ex and as such wasnt being fair to them or me as i knew i couldnt truly connect with anyone.

i am now concentrating on me,my daughter,loving myself,getting my self confidence and esteem back and to put it bluntly being selfish to my own needs.My ex or any other girl cant do that at present,.only me.

i still have up and down days but im feeling more positive about me and my life and not hers

January 10, 2015

Jonjmie,i wasnt being critical just putting in my tuppence worth because i did the same shortly after the break up and created profiles on a few dating websites,not because i wanted to see my ex but because i wanted to try and fill the void in my life.

Trouble is i was comparing all other girls to my ex and as such wasnt being fair to them or me as i knew i couldnt truly connect with anyone.

i am now concentrating on me,my daughter,loving myself,getting my self confidence and esteem back and to put it bluntly being selfish to my own needs.My ex or any other girl cant do that at present,.only me.

i still have up and down days but im feeling more positive about me and my life and not hers

I know mate, I have a daughter too and although our relationship isn't the best I'm trying to be here if she needs me and move last year to live nearby.

I'm more open minded these days, I'm quite prepared to find someone different, I always go for the slim fit ones and end up heartbroken so this time I'm looking further than that, if I arrange any dates it will be for their personality as it seems not going on looks alone.

January 10, 2015

Yes, we 'personality' chicks have a lot to offer, ya know....

January 10, 2015

In bits now, responding to a message on the dating site she has now uploaded her photos.

In some respect its good as it means she, as I thought, didn't dump me for another man, just the prospect of meeting someone better I guess.

Tempted to text and say how's the dating site going, my heart is beating at 170 bpm and I feel sick to my stomach.

She looks good in her photo, I still love her but obviously the feeling is not mutual, so much for spending time with he children

.

January 10, 2015

Looking at pics of her on a dating site is not helping you get over her plus she knows that you looked at her.for your own good you have to stop having any contact whatsoever

January 10, 2015

Looking at pics of her on a dating site is not helping you get over her plus she knows that you looked at her.for your own good you have to stop having any contact whatsoever

Didn't click on her so she won't know but it's madness we are both on there searching

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