smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Basically, she went on holiday with her family and a few friends and decided that she was happier without me so ended it while she was away. We live together, and this flat is full of her stuff that she needs for work. Has commitments in this city, and logically would have to come back to either collect stuff, or to live. Whenever I ask when or if she's coming back, she gets defensive and rude. Doesn't usually give me a yes or a no. I've decided to go No Contact, as this has really started affecting my mental health. She messaged me last night, sending me a heart and being really nice - she was doing the same this morning. I slipped up and asked her if it was true that she really wasn't coming back, and she replied quite rudely. I want to move on, as I don't want my pride and dignity to be ruined any more than it already has been. I find it very hard to stick to NC, are there any tips?
FailedFirstLove Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I know how you feel. It's so hard! Can you pack up her stuff and leave it at her families or friends? It would be much easier not seeing her things every where. If this is what she wants then let her have it.
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I know how you feel. It's so hard! Can you pack up her stuff and leave it at her families or friends? It would be much easier not seeing her things every where. If this is what she wants then let her have it. I can't - there is so much stuff here and I don't have the means to transport it to any of her family or friends - I also don't know where any of them live, to be honest.
lauri Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Basically, she went on holiday with her family and a few friends and decided that she was happier without me so ended it while she was away. We live together, and this flat is full of her stuff that she needs for work. Has commitments in this city, and logically would have to come back to either collect stuff, or to live. Whenever I ask when or if she's coming back, she gets defensive and rude. Doesn't usually give me a yes or a no. I've decided to go No Contact, as this has really started affecting my mental health. She messaged me last night, sending me a heart and being really nice - she was doing the same this morning. I slipped up and asked her if it was true that she really wasn't coming back, and she replied quite rudely. I want to move on, as I don't want my pride and dignity to be ruined any more than it already has been. I find it very hard to stick to NC, are there any tips? Let me get this straight...she lives with you in the same flat..then she went on vacation and then magically "discovered" she was over you and wanted things to end? Please...she knew this for a while now and she just was too much of a wimp to do it while she was around. Wow. She sounds immature. Send her a message and be like: "I've packed up all of your things. Let me know which address to ship them to and how I should charge you to courier the items to your location. Please do not bother contacting me unless it is regarding your items...I want them out of the flat as soon as possible." Don't beg. Don't ask. Don't care. She's reacting negatively to you caring? Watch how she reacts when you send a message like that and mean business. She will start to scramble because she is losing you as a safety net as shes testing the waters with another guy. You aren't some toy she can play around with and do this too.
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) Let me get this straight...she lives with you in the same flat..then she went on vacation and then magically "discovered" she was over you and wanted things to end? Please...she knew this for a while now and she just was too much of a wimp to do it while she was around. Wow. She sounds immature. Send her a message and be like: "I've packed up all of your things. Let me know which address to ship them to and how I should charge you to courier the items to your location. Please do not bother contacting me unless it is regarding your items...I want them out of the flat as soon as possible." Don't beg. Don't ask. Don't care. She's reacting negatively to you caring? Watch how she reacts when you send a message like that and mean business. She will start to scramble because she is losing you as a safety net as shes testing the waters with another guy. You aren't some toy she can play around with and do this too. I have told her I have packed her things before, a couple of days ago. It didn't change anything. I don't even want to talk to her, anymore. I don't think she deserves any of my time. I want her to panic. I was thinking about changing my locks as she has her own set of keys. Edited January 6, 2015 by smellysocksuni
lauri Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I have told her I have packed her things before, a couple of days ago. It didn't change anything. I don't even want to talk to her, anymore. I don't think she deserves any of my time. I want her to panic. I was thinking about changing my locks as she has her own set of keys. I don't know how your interactions were with her but what did she say when you told her this? If you were having a conversation with her and said it out of anger, she may think you're bluffing. I have a feeling based on her negativity you were showing interest in still being with her / still wanted her. Sounds like she's trying to push you away and play the victim card. You're right you don't deserve what she is putting you through...however, you need to still get rid of her stuff. The best way to get her back is by living a good life and not holding onto anything that may be hers...completely let her go. Assuming she isn't apart of the lease, I would suggest changing the locks or asking for the key back. Edited January 6, 2015 by lauri
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I don't know how your interactions were with her but what did she say when you told her this? If you were having a conversation with her and said it out of anger, she may think you're bluffing. I have a feeling based on her negativity you were showing interest in still being with her / still wanted her. Sounds like she's trying to push you away and play the victim card. I did say it out of anger. Yes, I said I missed her, and then asked it it was true that she really wasn't coming back. She then said "I'm not having this discussion, tonight" I said "I just would like to know" She said "not tonight, sorry" So.... I'm not being treated very well. She has a work commitment on Friday and then one on Monday. I was going to see if she comes back on Sunday and if she doesn't then send her the message about the belongings.
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I know pretty much everyone on these forums feels the same, but I am hurting so much, right now. I am still hoping that she will come back and don't know how I'll feel if she doesn't. The past few weeks have been really tough on me, I've been prescribed sleeping tablets, anxiety medication - it's been awful. It just feels like she hates me, I can't seem to get through to her. I have asked her if there is someone else, and she tells me that there isn't, but I can't stop worrying that there is. She's agreed to meet up and talk and all that, so why do that then? Isn't that just false hope? Why is she putting me through this? I don't have anyone else to really support me through this - I have a feeling that she will just leave her stuff here and not tell me anything. It's driving me mad, and I literally can't think of anything else. Edited January 6, 2015 by smellysocksuni
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) She's playing you big time. She knew before she left that she was going to leave. I'm sorry you're in so much pain; it must be awful for you. Tell her that since you no longer consider her a tenant, her belongings will be out of the house/building on X date. She can collect them from outside, on the porch, whatever. Whose name is on the lease? If it's yours, tell that after X date she will no longer have access to the apartment. Her key will no longer work. No more BS, no more games. Don't meet up with her to talk. There's nothing to talk about. She's a doosh and you are going to much better without her in your life. Edited January 6, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 She's playing you big time. She knew before she left that she was going to leave. I'm sorry you're in so much pain; it must be awful for you. Tell her that since you no longer consider her a tenant, her belongings will be out of the house/building on X date. She can collect them from outside, on the porch, whatever. Whose name is on the lease? If it's yours, tell that after X date she will no longer have access to the apartment. Her key will no longer work. No more BS, no more games. Don't meet up with her to talk. There's nothing to talk about. She's a doosh and you are going to much better without her in your life. It's my flat, she has no legal rights here. How do I get rid of this feeling of hope in my heart? Doesn't she love me, anymore? Do you just stop loving someone?
JonjMie Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Basically, she went on holiday with her family and a few friends and decided that she was happier without me so ended it while she was away. We live together, and this flat is full of her stuff that she needs for work. Has commitments in this city, and logically would have to come back to either collect stuff, or to live. Whenever I ask when or if she's coming back, she gets defensive and rude. Doesn't usually give me a yes or a no. I've decided to go No Contact, as this has really started affecting my mental health. She messaged me last night, sending me a heart and being really nice - she was doing the same this morning. I slipped up and asked her if it was true that she really wasn't coming back, and she replied quite rudely. I want to move on, as I don't want my pride and dignity to be ruined any more than it already has been. I find it very hard to stick to NC, are there any tips? It's tough man, I've just posted as my relationship broke up today, I can't do no contact it hurts too much but im not getting the answers I was hoping for, probably never will. Ask her to collect her stuff when your not around, or leave somewhere safe for her and keep your own dignity, sounds like thee is something she may have seen or you have done, her comments seem odd.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It's my flat, she has no legal rights here. How do I get rid of this feeling of hope in my heart? Doesn't she love me, anymore? Do you just stop loving someone? Then pack up her stuff and tell her on date XYZ, her things will be left on the curb. Change the locks. You can't get rid of the feeling of hope. It's going to be there. But you have to put that aside and step out of your emotional bubble and accept the situation for what it is. She didn't just stop loving you. Dumpers go through their own process of leaving someone. Chances are she was detaching awhile ago. I'm going to be harsh. I know you are hurt. But don't be a wuss. Toughen up. Make decisions. Don't let her dictate how you decide to handle the break-up. Start being proactive in cutting her off. The faster you do that, the sooner you are able to grieve, heal and slowly move on from this. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 It's tough man, I've just posted as my relationship broke up today, I can't do no contact it hurts too much but im not getting the answers I was hoping for, probably never will. Ask her to collect her stuff when your not around, or leave somewhere safe for her and keep your own dignity, sounds like thee is something she may have seen or you have done, her comments seem odd. How do you mean, they seem odd? There's nowhere I can leave her stuff. She works freelance, her stuff for work is here and it's her career. She'll have to come back at some point and this is just what I keep clinging to. I keep hoping that face-to-face contact will change things, but it's been almost three weeks since I've seen her now and I'm just finding it tough.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 How do you mean, they seem odd? There's nowhere I can leave her stuff. She works freelance, her stuff for work is here and it's her career. She'll have to come back at some point and this is just what I keep clinging to. I keep hoping that face-to-face contact will change things, but it's been almost three weeks since I've seen her now and I'm just finding it tough. Get a storage locker. Pay for a month. Dump her stuff there. If her career is important to her, she will be doing whatever it takes to get her things. Why are you concerned? She isn't because she knows you'll sit there quietly like a puppy waiting for her. DO NOT let her treat you like a storage facility. If she's seeing another man, he can keep her stuff. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Get a storage locker. Pay for a month. Dump her stuff there. If her career is important to her, she will be doing whatever it takes to get her things. Why are you concerned? She isn't because she knows you'll sit there quietly like a puppy waiting for her. DO NOT let her treat you like a storage facility. If she's seeing another man, he can keep her stuff. I don't have the money to do things like that. I don't drive, so I can't drop her stuff off. I know all this, I know she's treating me badly. But I'm stuck, as I literally can't do anything with any of this stuff.
lauri Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It's my flat, she has no legal rights here. How do I get rid of this feeling of hope in my heart? Doesn't she love me, anymore? Do you just stop loving someone? Its concept of how you do that is easy to do, however, actually acting it out, is a whole other story. You need to fully commit to doing this if you want to move on. You need to do what many of us have said here and give her back her stuff and give it back to her. It's over between you two and there is nothing you can do to fix that. This girl doesn't deserve your attention or time. Walk away from this on top and in control...the only way you can do that is actually MEAN what you are saying and ACT upon it. No more doing things out of anger and in sheer desperation to win her back..the only thing you can do is take away her safety net and actually mean it. Honestly man, from her perspective, why should she react well when you keep rewarding her for bad behaviour? Give her back her stuff and disappear, then live a good life. She won't know what hit her.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I don't have the money to do things like that. I don't drive, so I can't drop her stuff off. I know all this, I know she's treating me badly. But I'm stuck, as I literally can't do anything with any of this stuff. Then you send her notice. State that she has to get her belongings by XYZ date. Tell her that it will all be packed and ready for her and that you will leave the flat so that she can get all her things. If her career is important to her, she will get those belongings. Tell her that if by XYZ date those items are not retrieved, it will be put outside on the curb. You want to be "nice" give her a week or even two weeks to get her things. No more than that. Do you have friends? Do you know where her family lives? Have your friends help you gather her things. Can they drive? Have them help you cart her belongings to her parents home. Change the locks so that she doesn't just show up. Tell her that you will be changing the locks and if she wants to retrieve her things before the due date, she needs to give you notice and you will give her access to the flat on that day to get her things. Start playing tough guy and STOP sitting there all mousey and waiting for her to come around whenever she's had enough of playtime with whomever she's met over there. 2
lauri Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Then you send her notice. State that she has to get her belongings by XYZ date. Tell her that it will all be packed and ready for her and that you will leave the flat so that she can get all her things. If her career is important to her, she will get those belongings. Tell her that if by XYZ date those items are not retrieved, it will be put outside on the curb. You want to be "nice" give her a week or even two weeks to get her things. No more than that. Do you have friends? Do you know where her family lives? Have your friends help you gather her things. Can they drive? Have them help you cart her belongings to her parents home. Change the locks so that she doesn't just show up. Tell her that you will be changing the locks and if she wants to retrieve her things before the due date, she needs to give you notice and you will give her access to the flat on that day to get her things. Start playing tough guy and STOP sitting there all mousey and waiting for her to come around whenever she's had enough of playtime with whomever she's met over there. This!!! Don't settle for this treatment. You're not getting what you deserve if you continue to put up with this BS. No more Mr.Nice guy from you. If you are unsure of how to message her and respond, post on here and we will guide you through it. You need to stick up for yourself.
anna121 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Do not under any circumstances leave her in your flat unattended. Have a friend there with you while she retrieves her stuff. Do not engage with her, and definitely do not try and talk her out of it. If she wants to repair things she must initiate - otherwise you will be in the subordinate position forever. 2
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Then you send her notice. State that she has to get her belongings by XYZ date. Tell her that it will all be packed and ready for her and that you will leave the flat so that she can get all her things. If her career is important to her, she will get those belongings. Tell her that if by XYZ date those items are not retrieved, it will be put outside on the curb. You want to be "nice" give her a week or even two weeks to get her things. No more than that. Do you have friends? Do you know where her family lives? Have your friends help you gather her things. Can they drive? Have them help you cart her belongings to her parents home. Change the locks so that she doesn't just show up. Tell her that you will be changing the locks and if she wants to retrieve her things before the due date, she needs to give you notice and you will give her access to the flat on that day to get her things. Start playing tough guy and STOP sitting there all mousey and waiting for her to come around whenever she's had enough of playtime with whomever she's met over there. I will be giving her another week to either let me know what's happening, come get her stuff and then I will message her to tell her about the belongings. She's staying with her parents, right now. I don't have the means to arrange for the stuff to go there. Lol, I know I seem so pathetic but I don't have any friends that can drive. So the stuff is literally stuck here. I won't be messaging her, but I know at some point she'll message me. Whenever I'm indoors, I keep all the locks double locked etc so that she can't just turn up.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I will be giving her another week to either let me know what's happening, come get her stuff and then I will message her to tell her about the belongings. She's staying with her parents, right now. I don't have the means to arrange for the stuff to go there. Lol, I know I seem so pathetic but I don't have any friends that can drive. So the stuff is literally stuck here. I won't be messaging her, but I know at some point she'll message me. Whenever I'm indoors, I keep all the locks double locked etc so that she can't just turn up. Why are you waiting around for her to message you? Take some control here and message her with details about picking up her crap. You already know what's going on. She's living the single life while you are her temporary holding facility. Don't let her continue to treat you this way for another week. She doesn't give a damn about how you feel; you should start the healing process by eliminating traces of her from your life. 1
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I will be giving her another week to either let me know what's happening, come get her stuff and then I will message her to tell her about the belongings. I'm going to shake you. Stop being so weak. She has been gone for 3 weeks. She's ended the relationship. Stop sitting there and biding time. You don't need to ask her what is happening. You tell her what is happening. And don't wait another week. She's staying with her parents, right now. I don't have the means to arrange for the stuff to go there. Lol, I know I seem so pathetic but I don't have any friends that can drive. So the stuff is literally stuck here. Can't drive. No friends that can drive. I have to wonder if you're pulling out every excuse you can to avoid facing what you need to face. I won't be messaging her, but I know at some point she'll message me. Whenever I'm indoors, I keep all the locks double locked etc so that she can't just turn up. Why are you waiting for her to call the shots? For pete's sake -- let me tell you something. When you act like a wimp, women like her will eat you alive. Man up. Man up. Man up. If anything, she'll step back and pay attention.
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I'm going to shake you. Stop being so weak. She has been gone for 3 weeks. She's ended the relationship. Stop sitting there and biding time. You don't need to ask her what is happening. You tell her what is happening. And don't wait another week. Can't drive. No friends that can drive. I have to wonder if you're pulling out every excuse you can to avoid facing what you need to face. Why are you waiting for her to call the shots? For pete's sake -- let me tell you something. When you act like a wimp, women like her will eat you alive. Man up. Man up. Man up. If anything, she'll step back and pay attention. I've faced it. I don't work, I have no money to hire a storage facility. I have three friends, none of whom can drive. I don't know where any of her friends or family live. I am not making excuses. I have already said that I am going to go NC, as that is all I can do at the moment.
Author smellysocksuni Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Why are you waiting around for her to message you? Take some control here and message her with details about picking up her crap. You already know what's going on. She's living the single life while you are her temporary holding facility. Don't let her continue to treat you this way for another week. She doesn't give a damn about how you feel; you should start the healing process by eliminating traces of her from your life. I'm not waiting for her to message me. I said that I won't be messaging her, but I know she'll probably message me. I didn't say I was waiting around to be messaged.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I have already said that I am going to go NC, as that is all I can do at the moment. This is not the time for NC. This is the time for forward movement. 1. Send her a notice with a due date to get her things. 2. Change the locks. 3. No response within due date, belongings are out of the house. THEN YOU IMPLEMENT NC.
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