Ex in contact. Oh no!!! (Updated)

January 6, 2015

ex has been calling, sending cutesy emails, and expressing a lot of excitement about getting together. (we were supposed to get dinner this wknd.) i finally told him that i like being in touch but that this is all a bit too much for me.

he sent me this email:

"I understand. I don’t want to push you in any way. I would understand if you want more time. Or if you don’t want to see me at all. So I guess I will not call you again. Just let me know if you would like to get a coffee."

i never said i didn't want to talk to him or see him. i just wanted him to tone down his energy a bit. i feel upset that he responded in this way and downgraded our dinner to a coffee. what do you think? should i even respond? i don't even know what to say.

January 6, 2015

Have you read the No Contact guide?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

January 6, 2015

ex has been calling, sending cutesy emails, and expressing a lot of excitement about getting together. (we were supposed to get dinner this wknd.) i finally told him that i like being in touch but that this is all a bit too much for me.

he sent me this email:

"I understand. I don’t want to push you in any way. I would understand if you want more time. Or if you don’t want to see me at all. So I guess I will not call you again. Just let me know if you would like to get a coffee."

i never said i didn't want to talk to him or see him. i just wanted him to tone down his energy a bit. i feel upset that he responded in this way and downgraded our dinner to a coffee. what do you think? should i even respond? i don't even know what to say.

He is your ex for a reason and maybe several reasons. The fact that you are upset about his response, says you're not over him and do need more time. I'd stop communicating with him. You cannot move on properly for another relationship unless you can drop this one altogether.

He may be missing you and that's all. He's missing something he had, hasn't found anyone or anything else to fill that void, and is coming back because it may be easier than moving on.

January 6, 2015

The way you wrote it, I would have replied in the same way. You ended the sentence with - but this is all a bit too much for me. What do you think he would think? 'But' means forget what I just said and pay attention to this.

Don't play games if you like him. Write him back, let him know that you still want to take it somewhere, just slower. Be honest and open and direct and you won't have any regrets and he won't think you meant something you didn't.

January 6, 2015

He is your ex for a reason and maybe several reasons. The fact that you are upset about his response, says you're not over him and do need more time. I'd stop communicating with him. You cannot move on properly for another relationship unless you can drop this one altogether.

He may be missing you and that's all. He's missing something he had, hasn't found anyone or anything else to fill that void, and is coming back because it may be easier than moving on.

we broke up over distance. i moved to his city in this summer. he found out and has been trying to get me to go out with him again.

honestly, i was just trying to be honest because his energy was making me a bit anxious. and there are still some things about our history that bother me. now, i am so upset.

Edited January 6, 2015 by newlyborn

January 6, 2015

do you think his response was warranted? dismissive?

January 6, 2015

Bellaisa's comment above is dead on. You should re-read it and consider taking her advice. I fully agree with her.

January 6, 2015

ex has been calling, sending cutesy emails, and expressing a lot of excitement about getting together. (we were supposed to get dinner this wknd.) i finally told him that i like being in touch but that this is all a bit too much for me.

he sent me this email:

"I understand. I don’t want to push you in any way. I would understand if you want more time. Or if you don’t want to see me at all. So I guess I will not call you again. Just let me know if you would like to get a coffee."

i never said i didn't want to talk to him or see him. i just wanted him to tone down his energy a bit. i feel upset that he responded in this way and downgraded our dinner to a coffee. what do you think? should i even respond? i don't even know what to say.

Based on the new info you shared about the reason for the break up, I'd say he's disappointed because you came back to the same town and didn't contact him to let him know that. Since you didn't do that and you don't seem excited to hear from him, he's probably hurt. If it was simply about distance, I don't understand your response, so neither does he.

January 6, 2015

do you think his response was warranted? dismissive?

I don't think his response was uncalled for.

I get this image like he would be someone that posted here saying

'I tried to talk to my ex and set up a meeting for dinner, I contacted her a bunch of times and she replied to me saying that my contact was just a bit too much - what should I do?'

and almost everyone would say, 'well you asked her to meet up, she thinks you contact her too much, you should back off, she may not be ready, put the ball in her court - if she wants to hang out again, if she's ready for it, she'll be happy when she hears from you and she'll initiate other plans'

I can totally see this as something some LSer over here would be posting about.

As for you - what are you so thrown by - you mentioned how this is a bit too much - what did you expect him or want him to do?

If he backs off, you're not happy

if he contacts you - you're complaining and don't seem to be ready.

what do you want?

January 6, 2015

As for you - what are you so thrown by - you mentioned how this is a bit too much - what did you expect him or want him to do?
If he backs off, you're not happy
if he contacts you - you're complaining and don't seem to be ready.

what do you want?

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead. he has also been quite patient and persistent about it.

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

January 6, 2015

Based on the new info you shared about the reason for the break up, I'd say he's disappointed because you came back to the same town and didn't contact him to let him know that. Since you didn't do that and you don't seem excited to hear from him, he's probably hurt. If it was simply about distance, I don't understand your response, so neither does he.

yes, this feels right! can i just say that the advice on LS was not to tell him -- and, since there was a consensus, i took it!

January 6, 2015

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead. he has also been quite patient and persistent about it.

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

So don't have coffee either. You're not ready for it, it seems. Protect yourself and your heart and give yourself some space from him. But understand that he will probably move on too.

Honestly, I don't understand why you're so upset that he changed the dinner plans to coffee anyway. You told him it was too much, so he seemingly followed your vibe and cooled it off. What did you expect him to do?

January 6, 2015

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead. he has also been quite patient and persistent about it.

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

Which is perfectly understandable. I think you should've just worded what you meant/felt differently.

Just send him exactly what you just put here, "Sorry, I should've worded my last text differently. What I meant was, I still want to meet you for dinner this weekend. I just don't want us to rush back into anything serious too quickly because I'm scared of breaking up again. That hurt me a lot."

January 6, 2015

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead. he has also been quite patient and persistent about it.

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

Then don't risk it. Simply tell him you've moved on and that you hope he can too. Wish him all the best and let it drop.

He's missing you, maybe hasn't been able to find anyone else in the meantime, knows you're around and it's easier to go back to something "comfortable" than to truly work on moving on.

And, that may actually be the case for you as well.

January 8, 2015

so, when i asked about the first message and the downgrade to coffee, i got this response:

"I’m sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention. I don’t know how to speak. Or what to do. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. I thought you emailed me to say that I should not call anymore. I just wanted to say that I respect that. And that I would be happy if you change your mind. Nothing more. If I misunderstood you or sounded flippant, then I’m very very sorry."

how does that sound to you? does he seem frustrated by me by now?

i am trying to decide how best to respond so that we proceed with our plans to go out and to communicate regularly but toned a bit. thanks so much!

January 8, 2015

He sounds like a guy trying his best to restart the relationship now that distance is no longer an issue. Since your reactions are all over the place, he's trying to adjust to respect your wishes.

If you're sincerely interested in rekindling things, share this:

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead...

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

If you don't want to rekindle things, then please be honest with him. Dragging him around like a yoyo is unfair...and mean.

January 8, 2015

so, when i asked about the first message and the downgrade to coffee, i got this response:

"I’m sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention. I don’t know how to speak. Or what to do. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. I thought you emailed me to say that I should not call anymore. I just wanted to say that I respect that. And that I would be happy if you change your mind. Nothing more. If I misunderstood you or sounded flippant, then I’m very very sorry."

how does that sound to you? does he seem frustrated by me by now?

i am trying to decide how best to respond so that we proceed with our plans to go out and to communicate regularly but toned a bit. thanks so much!

I think you just need to change some of the pronouns a bit but this would work perfectly...

honestly, nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him again and seeing where things can lead. he has also been quite patient and persistent about it.

i just have residual negative feelings about the breakup that are mine to resolve. and i am scared to be hurt by him again. i am not usually so wimpy and ambivalent. i just don't think i can go through what that breakup did to me again..

January 8, 2015

It's his overzealousness that's bothering you the most, I guess. You know he'd like to be more invested than you know you'll ever be. If I am right, you should just cut him loose entirely.

January 8, 2015

I don't know. I guess I had a different read of newlyborn's situation. It sounds as if she's being understandably cautious because of what happened. It's not that she couldn't have strong feelings for him again. Rather, she isn't sure trusting him with her heart again is wise given their past history. Is he reliable this time? Or is he going to come on strong and then change his mind again when the next obstacle hits?

No one enjoys the hurt and disappointment that comes with being attached and developing feelings for someone who then abruptly or casually ends things.

Maybe she'll clarify for us.

Edited January 8, 2015 by angel.eyes

January 8, 2015

It sounds like too much, too soon, to me.

January 8, 2015

I don't know. I guess I had a different read of newlyborn's situation. It sounds as if she's being understandably cautious because of what happened. It's not that she couldn't have strong feelings for him again. Rather, she isn't sure trusting him with her heart again is wise given their past history. Is he reliable this time? Or is he going to come on strong and then change his mind again when the next obstacle hits?

No one enjoys the hurt and disappointment that comes with being attached and developing feelings for someone who then abruptly or casually ends things.

Maybe she'll clarify for us.

YES, to clarify, this PRECISELY! and, though this is my ex's city, it is now also my new home. i want a wonderful life here, not another heartache. so, i am reluctant. but i was so crazy about this man that i also want to be brave enough to at least what is there. to do this, i feel i need to control the timing and temperature of things. but i don't want to drag him along or be mean...

January 8, 2015

It sounds like too much, too soon, to me.

can you say a bit more please?

January 8, 2015

NewlyBorn - STOP.

Just STOP with the silly texting/emailing/smoke signals.

This is how misunderstandings happen - using text. There's no inflection in the words so things you say that you don't mean to be harsh come over as harsh.

STOP the texting.

The guy deserves a phone call. Simply call him and interact with him like humans are supposed to do. The text nonsense is just doing more damage.

Just call him and explain to him that perhaps there was a miscommunication with texting and you wanted to talk to him to clear it up. I'd explain that of course dinner is still on - and you're looking forward to it. Tell him it wasn't your intention to shut him down when you told him things felt a bit intense. You simply meant that you felt a bit overwhelmed by all his attention and you'd just like to try to do things right this time and slow down a bit so you can go at your own speed.

I think when he hears your voice assuring him all is well and that you're just trying to keep things slow and easy, he'll probably be fine with that.

And then confirm your dinner plans.

January 8, 2015

I don't know what the problem is. He didn't want a long distance relationship so dumped you. Now you live near him so that is no longer a problem for him. There are never guarantees of happiness in any relationship but at least now you both will have the opportunity to see if this will work or not.

January 9, 2015

Agree with Lady Luck.

Newlyborn, I think you need to be more intentional in communicating with him. It is so easy for miscommunication to happen at this stage. You weren't clear when you said it was "all too much". That left so much open to interpretation, and he interpreted it as rejection.

It's all really unnecessary. Please stop and think about things you are typing and saying to him to make sure you are clear. If it's in any way vague, reword it.

For example, if you're not comfortable with the frequency in communication, and things are at this precarious stage where you're meeting your ex and you're not sure if he's interested in reconciling, just back off a little and don't respond to everything. Be enthusiastic about what you do respond to. And you can talk about it when you see him, where you can have facial expressions, tone of voice and body language in addition to words to interpret what the other means. Pulling a face and saying "it was too much" and then smiling warmly afterward is way easier to understand than just those four words. But what's done is done.

I'm not sure I'd contact him to tell him and make it into a bigger deal if you guys haven't met. I'd consider a follow up like "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I do really enjoy hearing from you, it's just that I was feeling like I wanted to slow it down a little. That's all that was."

Be intentional from here on out. You don't want misunderstandings and needless drama; there are already enough questions in both of your minds.

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Ex in contact. Oh no!!! (Updated)

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