lizzygirl Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I have felt for a long time that my boyfriend of 3 years is a narcissist. There are many signs and I think I talk myself out of this because I love him so much. I think he tries to make me jealous on purpose, manipulates me, uses "gaslighting," plays mind games and am fairly certain he has cheated on me. For ex. - I caught his female coworker rubbing/scratching his back in little sweet circles when we were at a company dinner one night, which he says she meant nothing by it and just had too much to drink. When I asked why he didn't stop her, he says he thought it was his buddy on the OTHER side of her doing it - ok, so a straight guy is going to reach all the way around her and rub your back in little intimate circles and you are ok with that and don't even look up to see who it is knowing she is right beside you. I don't think so. But again, I swallowed this excuse and tried to move on and told myself I was reading too much into it. Of course he says he loves me, I am the love of his life, he doesn't want anyone else, etc. I want to believe all that so badly but feel like a fool and lose self respect every time I believe his excuses for something that he says is my "perception" that make no logical sense, yet I swallow it and go on because I want to make it work. I would love to know of other experiences women out there have had like this? What are the signs and situations that have made you think the same?
Detectingfreak Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He is definatly cheating by having his female co worker rub circles around his back. My ex would go to clubs and she would grind up on people and not me. She wouldnt let me go to clubs with her as she said i would not have fun. Pretty sure she was cheating too but who cares. I eventually broke up with her after she kept talking about it. It hurt my feelings knowing that she was getting pleasure from grinding up on other random guys but not me. Plus she said i love you all the time yet she kept doing the inappropriate behavior. Before i broke up with her i had to make it a rule that she cannot talk about going to clubs in our relationship cuz it hurt my feelings and i was not enough for her. Your bf sounds like my ex and people like that cant have relationships because they hurt their significant others with there actions that they display with others in public but wont with us. Break up with him and you will save yourself from finding out that he ja cheating behind your back.
Author lizzygirl Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Of course he says he can't control what other people do and maybe she was trying to flirt with him but he has never reciprocated, maybe she is just touchy-feely and she had too much to drink. But why not stop her? Why let her disrespect me, sitting right beside him, that way? She was back behind me so I obviously was not suppose to see it. I just happened to turn around. And his stupid excuse that he thought it was his male buddy who would have had to reach around her to get to him to rub his back is insane. The way she was using her nails, in little circles, was very intimate. I didn't touch him that way for a long time after we met. It just screams intimacy to me.
BluEyeL Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Sure, inappropriate behavior, but I fail to see where the "narcissistic" thing came from. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 There are many signs and I think I talk myself out of this because I love him so much. I think he tries to make me jealous on purpose, manipulates me, uses "gaslighting," plays mind games and am fairly certain he has cheated on me. If you even suspect he is a narcissist, and the fact that you mention gaslighting, tells me you know the characteristics of narcissism, you should get out immediately. Do not call him out as a narcissist either, that will fuel significant issues after you do try to make the break from him. Simply say you two are not mean't for each other and cut communication off completely. As much as you understand narcissism, it is very easy to be swayed and made to feel as though you're "crazy" and try to keep him happy. Don't do it. Move on. These are dangerous people to deal with only because of the damage YOU yourself will experience. 1
Author lizzygirl Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Cheating is a definite narcissistic trait, as is gaslighting, manipulation, and all of the others I mentioned. And there is more, just didn't list it all to save time. Yes, inappropriate, but his excuse that he thought it was his male buddy on the other side of her just sounds so illogical, to say the least, which makes me think there is something to hide by him making up such a stupid excuse as to why he didn't look around and stop her out of respect for me. This tells me he was totally comfortable with her doing this and never expected me to see it. My main objective in posting this is - are there women out there who have experienced narcissistic boyfriends/husbands and what have their experiences been?
BluEyeL Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Yes, my ex-husband is a narcissist. My therapist diagnosed him based on my description, because narcissists don't ever go see therapists themselves. He did cheat on me as well and displayed textbook narcissistic traits. If you are certain he is a narcissist you are better off breaking up with him now rather than later. I regret staying with him for almost 20 years, which was due to my low confidence when I was younger.
preraph Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Narcissists are usually good liars. Your bf is no exception. They will say anything to fulfill their every desire.
Author lizzygirl Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 It is so hard because he does have nice qualities too - pays for almost everything and buys me expensive gifts sometimes, loves his dogs (although I think this is because they love HIM so much, as dogs do), very giving in the bedroom, calls me constantly (he works 3 hrs away and is gone 2 weeks at a time), fixes things around my house...yet he has a mean streak, does not want to spend time with my kids, has been working out of town for 2 years now and avoided a job near me because he said it didn't pay enough....says he is so sorry and is getting therapy...begs me back when I break up with him...and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself and told me I hit him and punched him (something I have never done in my life and have a hard time believing)...then I tell myself it is all because we are apart so much and it will get better when he moves back and we can be together and work on us again and I hold out for that...ugh!
Author lizzygirl Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 It is so hard because he does have nice qualities too - pays for almost everything and buys me expensive gifts sometimes, loves his dogs (although I think this is because they love HIM so much, as dogs do), very giving in the bedroom, calls me constantly (he works 3 hrs away and is gone 2 weeks at a time), fixes things around my house...yet he has a mean streak, does not want to spend time with my kids, I just feel in my gut he has cheated on me, has been working out of town for 2 years now and avoided a job near me because he said it didn't pay enough....says he is so sorry and is getting therapy...begs me back when I break up with him...and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself and told me I hit him and punched him (something I have never done in my life and have a hard time believing)...then I tell myself it is all because we are apart so much and it will get better when he moves back and we can be together and work on us again and I hold out for that...ugh!
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself! Goodness. No relationship or man should be driving you to the brink of wanting to shoot yourself. That in itself is a huge sign that the relationship isn't working. Relationships aren't supposed to be miserable. 2
Emilia Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He sounds like a bogstandard assehole to me and you are a doormat for putting up with it. 3
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Cheating is a definite narcissistic trait, as is gaslighting, manipulation, and all of the others I mentioned. And there is more, just didn't list it all to save time. Yes, inappropriate, but his excuse that he thought it was his male buddy on the other side of her just sounds so illogical, to say the least, which makes me think there is something to hide by him making up such a stupid excuse as to why he didn't look around and stop her out of respect for me. This tells me he was totally comfortable with her doing this and never expected me to see it. My main objective in posting this is - are there women out there who have experienced narcissistic boyfriends/husbands and what have their experiences been? I have dated a text book narcissist. They are difficult to get away from and very, very smooth. Even when you know they are narcissists, they can convince you that you are the one who has a problem and you will keep overlooking things. When you do try to get away from them, they often come at you harder, the do things behind your back to cause problems for you and in a way that it's difficult to prove they are the cause. They are very sneaky and cold. They do not understand that they are narcissists either. They think they are "fine". They come across and cold and insensitive but deep down they are hurting deeply. They wear a false persona of confidence, etc. Your best bet, is to tell someone you trust, that you are planning to leave him so that if anything goes wrong, you will have back up. I'm not trying to scare you, just give you what your best course of action is. He may not do anything, but you should be prepared. Like I said, do not call him out as a narcissist, this will actually hurt him and he may lash out at you. Just say you want to move on, it's been great, whatever. Best of luck to you.
Bellaisa Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I've been there. The signs are right in your face, but you don't want to see them. Hindsight is always so much easier. You have to be able to see that he knew what she was doing. Right? If he didn't, he is a clueless moron who shouldn't be driving or doing anything that requires he pay attention to his surroundings. Is he really that stupid? Think about that. From my experience, your gut ALWAYS knows. It always tells you what you need to know, so pay attention to it.
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It is so hard because he does have nice qualities too - pays for almost everything and buys me expensive gifts sometimes, loves his dogs (although I think this is because they love HIM so much, as dogs do), very giving in the bedroom, calls me constantly (he works 3 hrs away and is gone 2 weeks at a time), fixes things around my house...yet he has a mean streak, does not want to spend time with my kids, has been working out of town for 2 years now and avoided a job near me because he said it didn't pay enough....says he is so sorry and is getting therapy...begs me back when I break up with him...and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself and told me I hit him and punched him (something I have never done in my life and have a hard time believing)...then I tell myself it is all because we are apart so much and it will get better when he moves back and we can be together and work on us again and I hold out for that...ugh! They know how to do what's needed to give the illusion of being a nice guy and they can be very nice, but only to serve their own needs. It's not about the others. It's all about THEIR EGO. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 OP, if he is then how do you see life with him progressing? Do you want to be there and does he have it all planned out? They know how to do what's needed to give the illusion of being a nice guy and they can be very nice, but only to serve their own needs. It's not about the others. It's all about THEIR EGO. On a side note, this is interesting. I am still a bit in two minds as to whether one of my ex's was a narc. Something that stopped me thinking it was that he appeared to be was empathetic - however having remembered the ways he was empathetic it was purely based upon getting recognition and praise for um..sending empathetic texts when friends of his were having a rough time. I dunno, if I am empathetic or am supportive of someone I don't then blow a trumpet about it as if it's an achievement or something. In fact I am not likely to even mention it to anyone else than the person concerned.
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 OP, if he is then how do you see life with him progressing? Do you want to be there and does he have it all planned out? On a side note, this is interesting. I am still a bit in two minds as to whether one of my ex's was a narc. Something that stopped me thinking it was that he appeared to be was empathetic - however having remembered the ways he was empathetic it was purely based upon getting recognition and praise for um..sending empathetic texts when friends of his were having a rough time. I dunno, if I am empathetic or am supportive of someone I don't then blow a trumpet about it as if it's an achievement or something. In fact I am not likely to even mention it to anyone else than the person concerned. They understand that empathy is something that people want and desire. They have an understanding of social norms and expectations. You are spot on about horn blowing . . . they do nice things and look for kudos for doing them. (This guy liking dogs too . . . I'll bet money that somewhere in his history is at least one occasion of animal abuse probably as a child. He learned that this is not acceptable in society, but it is unlikely he is able to understand it on an emotional level himself). 2
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 They understand that empathy is something that people want and desire. They have an understanding of social norms and expectations. You are spot on about horn blowing . . . they do nice things and look for kudos for doing them. (This guy liking dogs too . . . I'll bet money that somewhere in his history is at least one occasion of animal abuse probably as a child. He learned that this is not acceptable in society, but it is unlikely he is able to understand it on an emotional level himself). Psychopaths and narcissists tend to like dogs because dogs can be controlled, they tell them what to do and the dog does it, no questions asked. They do not tend to like cats.
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It is so hard because he does have nice qualities too - pays for almost everything and buys me expensive gifts sometimes, loves his dogs (although I think this is because they love HIM so much, as dogs do), very giving in the bedroom, calls me constantly (he works 3 hrs away and is gone 2 weeks at a time), fixes things around my house...yet he has a mean streak, does not want to spend time with my kids, I just feel in my gut he has cheated on me, has been working out of town for 2 years now and avoided a job near me because he said it didn't pay enough....says he is so sorry and is getting therapy...begs me back when I break up with him...and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself and told me I hit him and punched him (something I have never done in my life and have a hard time believing)...then I tell myself it is all because we are apart so much and it will get better when he moves back and we can be together and work on us again and I hold out for that...ugh! You need to run, and as he is away most of the time, you have a great opportunity to do so, without encountering any resistance from him. 2
preraph Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I have an old close friend who is a certified narcissist. She can be very warm and caring. She can be the most fun person on earth. She is very popular. She is gregarious and will talk to anyone. But her narcissism puts her on a short leash. Example: One of her best friend's grown sons died in an accident. Her friend wanted her there to handle things. My friend was all crying in sympathy for her friend and like any good friend, ran to help her, but once things became inconvenient for her and she was having to do things for too long that took too much effort and weren't fun (selling his car), she got mad and called me about it to confide. She was now feeling that narcissism. Now she was resentful her friend put her in this position where she felt uncomfortable and was ready to wash her hands of it. They're fine until they hit that wall. Nothing and no one is quite as important to them as their immediate, even minor needs, even someone's disaster. And she has a great husband. I know how she is sexually and how much attention (especially male) she likes. She can't get enough attention. As roommates, the only people who came over that she didn't like because she's so social were guys who also wanted to be the center of attention and won. She has no use for someone stealing her limelight. The time decades ago she confided a crush on some other guy while married, probably wanting me to endorse an affair, I told her she was lucky to have her understanding good husband, who she loves dearly, and if she was going to screw around, I didn't want to know about it because she needs him to ground her and I don't want her throwing that away. So I don't know if she has or hasn't, but knowing her, I suspect she has. Because nothing is more important than her immediate needs because she's narcissistic. She still loves her husband, but she won't deny herself anything. So just know what you're dealing with. Narcissists do not usually have a conscience about lying to take care of their own needs without losing someone.
GemmaUK Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 They understand that empathy is something that people want and desire. They have an understanding of social norms and expectations. You are spot on about horn blowing . . . they do nice things and look for kudos for doing them. (This guy liking dogs too . . . I'll bet money that somewhere in his history is at least one occasion of animal abuse probably as a child. He learned that this is not acceptable in society, but it is unlikely he is able to understand it on an emotional level himself). Thanks for your response and I do not wish to take over this thread but..the dogs thing is significant also. The ex had a dog and he trained him up (this was way before I came along) and he proudly told me of the day when he put the dog's breakfast down, had the dog sit by the bowl and then went to work for 12 hours. The ex got home and the dog was lying on the floor by the bowl and had not eaten anything because the ex had not told the dog he could eat. He forgot to say it. My ex thought this was incredible and was chuffed. I thought it signified that the dog was terrified It upset me. Apologies for having nothing on topic to the OP to add here. Please feel free to report me.
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 So what's the issue? Of course he's an alpha narcissist but isn't that what type of guy today's woman usually desires? Lots of woman acquantances are with this type of guy. He's exciting and dangerous and stimulates sexual feelings. Some of them get hit but she will always make excuses for him with the usual how much she loves him. So it's common. You get the benefits of the good looking passionate guy but you get the controlling, mean and sometimes violent behavior too. You chose this. Own it or break it off. You could have the opposite. The kind, reliable good guy, but he's a boring beta also. He won't hurt you but he doesn't bring danger and unpredictablity which is sexual energy to a lot of women. You're not at all unusual, in fact you're in the majority. Love bombing at the start, gets the victim hooked. Exposed! 11 Lies Love-Bombing Narcissists Tell | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
venusishername Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It is so hard because he does have nice qualities too - pays for almost everything and buys me expensive gifts sometimes, loves his dogs (although I think this is because they love HIM so much, as dogs do), very giving in the bedroom, calls me constantly (he works 3 hrs away and is gone 2 weeks at a time), fixes things around my house...yet he has a mean streak, does not want to spend time with my kids, has been working out of town for 2 years now and avoided a job near me because he said it didn't pay enough....says he is so sorry and is getting therapy...begs me back when I break up with him...and has driven me so nuts that I got smashed drunk recently and tried to grab a gun and shoot myself and told me I hit him and punched him (something I have never done in my life and have a hard time believing)...then I tell myself it is all because we are apart so much and it will get better when he moves back and we can be together and work on us again and I hold out for that...ugh! The bolded part is all hearts and roses. You can get those things from a man who doesn't have all the negative qualities he does. If you suspect he's a narcissist, and YOU are the one that feels crazy and out of control, your intuition is trying to tell you something. My ex made me feel so crazy and was so controlling and manipulative that I hit him once and tore the blinds off a window I was feeling so out of control. He liked to use that incident against me after I left him, because he felt he was the 'good guy' because he never did lay a hand on me. But what he did (AFTER I FINALLY LEFT HIM) was get ridiculously jealous and possessive, put me down and say mean things about my friends and family, tell me my career was stupid, called me terrible names and humiliate me in public. He lashed out in the worst way possible with me ( I will spare the details).. but the thing is with these kind of guys who feel they are entitled and are seeking approval, if you leave them it strikes a very bad chord. I'm not sure my ex is yet over it, all these years later. I hit his ego so badly (by not giving in to him anymore); for a narcissist that's their worst fear: loss of pride. My ex was also fantastic in the bedroom, and the most romantic man I've ever been with. He had good qualities and was a loving person. He just has mental issues. I have dated a text book narcissist. They are difficult to get away from and very, very smooth. Even when you know they are narcissists, they can convince you that you are the one who has a problem and you will keep overlooking things. When you do try to get away from them, they often come at you harder, the do things behind your back to cause problems for you and in a way that it's difficult to prove they are the cause. They are very sneaky and cold. They do not understand that they are narcissists either. They think they are "fine". They come across and cold and insensitive but deep down they are hurting deeply. They wear a false persona of confidence, etc. Your best bet, is to tell someone you trust, that you are planning to leave him so that if anything goes wrong, you will have back up. I'm not trying to scare you, just give you what your best course of action is. He may not do anything, but you should be prepared. Like I said, do not call him out as a narcissist, this will actually hurt him and he may lash out at you. Just say you want to move on, it's been great, whatever. Best of luck to you. I agree with the bolded parts; except that it's not going to be so simple as to just say 'I want to move on, good luck'. He'll try to hang on to you. But you know that this isn't right and you have to be strong.
Author lizzygirl Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to post such reassurance. It is hard to get away and we aren't even married yet I feel trapped. Mainly because I am very afraid that if I do break up with him for good, complete NC, he will get mean. I have seen him get "revenge" on people who have done him wrong, wish they were dead, etc. He is very smart and sneaky. He can do things, completely legal, that you never see coming. Then he acts like the most giving, kindest person ever. I do not have a naturally devious mind and feel as if I'd have no defense if he pulled his tricks. He recently called the police on me because we had a fight - after the argument was over and we were calmed down, he "announced" that he had done so, that they were on the way, very threatening, obviously to scare me because there was no threat from little, tiny me. So, it has been in the back of my mind that he will try to pull something and use that against me as well. Hoping for the best...thank you all!
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