banini_jeque Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I met a really great girl through online dating. We laugh so hard together, have tons of fun together, work well as a team, and mostly want the same things. We also have great chemistry and passion. I talk about her in ways that make my family like her even though they haven't met her, and they say I'm more like myself since I started dating her. I also find myself doing things for her like buying flowers because I really want to, and not because it's any sort of obligation. Right now we're taking a break, because I got scared. Despite the above, I feel overwhelmed by her sometimes, and I feel like part of me is missing when we're together, and that part of me gets lonely because the rest of me is having so much fun. The other reason is that I'm still really hurt over my ex, which clouds my feelings, and I think it's unfair to the new girl if I have that. My plan is to be alone and heal up, and then see if I still want to date her or if I should date other girls to see if I can find one where all of me can be present, if that's even possible to find.
evanescentworld Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I met a really great girl through online dating. We laugh so hard together, have tons of fun together, work well as a team, and mostly want the same things. We also have great chemistry and passion. I talk about her in ways that make my family like her even though they haven't met her, and they say I'm more like myself since I started dating her. I also find myself doing things for her like buying flowers because I really want to, and not because it's any sort of obligation. Right now we're taking a break, because I got scared. Despite the above, I feel overwhelmed by her sometimes, and I feel like part of me is missing when we're together, and that part of me gets lonely because the rest of me is having so much fun. Be specific. Which 'part', exactly? The other reason is that I'm still really hurt over my ex, which clouds my feelings, and I think it's unfair to the new girl if I have that. Is it that part? My plan is to be alone and heal up, and then see if I still want to date her or if I should date other girls to see if I can find one where all of me can be present, if that's even possible to find. Nope. totally unfair. Who do you think you are, to be in any position to say to her, "I'm putting you on a back-burner, and when I'm ready, I'll call on you again." What do you have that makes you so special and worth waiting for? Why should she? No. There's no such thing as a 'break'. It's unfair. Cut off from her completely, and set her free to do whatever she wants. What you want - with regard to her - is totally unacceptable. Either make the effort, or set her free. but do not expect her to hang around and wait for you to see whether you want to date her or not. Ridiculous. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I met a really great girl through online dating. We laugh so hard together, have tons of fun together, work well as a team, and mostly want the same things. We also have great chemistry and passion. I talk about her in ways that make my family like her even though they haven't met her, and they say I'm more like myself since I started dating her. I also find myself doing things for her like buying flowers because I really want to, and not because it's any sort of obligation. Right now we're taking a break, because I got scared. Despite the above, I feel overwhelmed by her sometimes, and I feel like part of me is missing when we're together, and that part of me gets lonely because the rest of me is having so much fun. The other reason is that I'm still really hurt over my ex, which clouds my feelings, and I think it's unfair to the new girl if I have that. My plan is to be alone and heal up, and then see if I still want to date her or if I should date other girls to see if I can find one where all of me can be present, if that's even possible to find. You are pulling away because of fear and overwhelmed by your feelings for her. This is a common response for men as well as women. More so for men though because men need more "room" to process and accept them. It is wise for you to do this especially since you still feel hurt by your ex. However, you may find, that you will go back to her anyway if it is truly love you are experiencing. However, don't expect her to wait for you. If a man were demonstrating in a real way to me that he loved and cared for me and said "he needed a little space", I'd let him have it because I understand he needs to process those strong emotions, but part of me would know he'd be closing up that space fairly soon. However, if he also told me he wasn't over his ex . . . I give him his space and not expect him to be back and I would move on.
Author banini_jeque Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Just to be clear, I'm not expecting her to wait. I told her not to.
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 You are going to lose her. If you are OK with that, fine. If you want to be with her, get over this fear & beg her to forgive you. I'm not sure I would (if it's been more than a few days). When you are in a healthy relationship, you work with the other person to address your concerns; you don't run away.
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Look at it from her point of view. What would be her side of the story? "This guy I've been seeing says he needs to take a break because he feels overwhelmed and too much pressure. He doesn't want to commit. Also he's not over his ex. He wants to see other girls to see if he can find a better connection" What do you think we'd tell her to do?? We would say, don't give this guy a second thought, he's not into you at all, show him the door and move on!! You're just not that into her. Time to accept that and move on. 4
Author banini_jeque Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 How would I get over the fear? I know I'll probably loose her, and it hurts me to know that, but what am I supposed to do? I feel like it's pretty clear that I need to be alone and figure out whats going on with myself. The truth is that even when I'm alone now I feel like part of me is missing. I need to find that part of me again in order to be happy in a relationship, don't I? I want to be fair to her, so I told her not to wait, and that she should see if she can find someone whos actually ready for her, since I'm clearly not. What else can I do to make it more fair?
Ieris Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Nope. totally unfair. Who do you think you are, to be in any position to say to her, "I'm putting you on a back-burner, and when I'm ready, I'll call on you again." What do you have that makes you so special and worth waiting for? Why should she? No. There's no such thing as a 'break'. It's unfair. Cut off from her completely, and set her free to do whatever she wants. What you want - with regard to her - is totally unacceptable. Either make the effort, or set her free. but do not expect her to hang around and wait for you to see whether you want to date her or not. Ridiculous. +1 Totally agree, I don't understand why some people throw themselves back on the market when they clearly aren't over their ex. They end up hurting other people but they don't care because they're just using them like a stepping stone to get over their ex. Why not crawl into a hole and heal all on your own first? What is the need to drag someone down with you? That is so selfish.
Author banini_jeque Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Arg, isn't that what I just said I was doing, after realizing I was making a mistake? I thought I was ready and I wasn't. I just wanted to post to see if other people thought I was doing the right thing, and instead they're all reading it wrong and thinking I'm doing something that I'm not. I was, but I've realized it and stopped.
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Just to be clear, I'm not expecting her to wait. I told her not to. Then take that out of the equation all together. Do not consider getting back in touch with her later and simply work on the issues you have at the moment.
kendahke Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I met a really great girl through online dating. We laugh so hard together, have tons of fun together, work well as a team, and mostly want the same things. We also have great chemistry and passion. I talk about her in ways that make my family like her even though they haven't met her, and they say I'm more like myself since I started dating her. I also find myself doing things for her like buying flowers because I really want to, and not because it's any sort of obligation. Right now we're taking a break, because I got scared. Despite the above, I feel overwhelmed by her sometimes, and I feel like part of me is missing when we're together, and that part of me gets lonely because the rest of me is having so much fun. The other reason is that I'm still really hurt over my ex, which clouds my feelings, and I think it's unfair to the new girl if I have that. My plan is to be alone and heal up, and then see if I still want to date her or if I should date other girls to see if I can find one where all of me can be present, if that's even possible to find. That's really, really mean. You knew you were not healed from your ex when you began seeing this woman. I feel really badly for her. She didn't deserved to be yanked around like this. Get over your ex and don't bother this young woman when you do. She deserves someone who is 100% honest in their dealings with her and hopefully, she will find that man in short order.
kendahke Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 How would I get over the fear? I know I'll probably loose her, and it hurts me to know that, but what am I supposed to do? I feel like it's pretty clear that I need to be alone and figure out whats going on with myself. The truth is that even when I'm alone now I feel like part of me is missing. I need to find that part of me again in order to be happy in a relationship, don't I? I want to be fair to her, so I told her not to wait, and that she should see if she can find someone whos actually ready for her, since I'm clearly not. What else can I do to make it more fair? You get over the fear by standing in the middle of your feelings and facing that which frightens you. I think that what you're so scared about is your ex coming back and putting a guilt trip on you that you "deserted" her by moving on with your life with someone who fit so well with you because you are still waiting on your ex to come back to you. When you stop considering your ex's feelings first, that's when you'll be free and clear to move on. As long as you're hoping for some small sliver of chance that she'll come back to you, no relationship you get into will be successful. The time to have been fair with this girl was long before you led her on to the extent you did. She never should have come around your family if you were in such turmoil about your feelings for you ex.
kendahke Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Arg, isn't that what I just said I was doing, after realizing I was making a mistake? I thought I was ready and I wasn't. I just wanted to post to see if other people thought I was doing the right thing, and instead they're all reading it wrong and thinking I'm doing something that I'm not. I was, but I've realized it and stopped. The first time a twinge of feeling for your ex popped up, or when you felt some "part of you was missing", that was when you needed to back off. That's not what you did, according to what you wrote. You brought her up to your family, so some time had to have passed before you felt comfortable doing that. I don't think we read anything wrong here. What is clear from what you wrote, you didn't want to be alone to do the work you needed to do. You instead reached for a distraction--this young lady; except you didn't count on the compatibility. Perhaps you wanted to show your ex that you could get back into a relationship with no problem? Whatever the reason, the swiftness with which you two connected reminded you that your feelings for your ex had not had the stake driven through its heart. A person who is over their ex has no problem moving forward with someone new.
kendahke Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 The time to have been fair with this girl was long before you led her on to the extent you did. She never should have come around your family if you were in such turmoil about your feelings for you ex. that should say "she should never have been led on if you were in such turmoil about your feelings for your ex".
Author banini_jeque Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Yeah, I didn't know what I was doing and I made a mistake. Now I'm trying to correct it by leaving her alone and working on myself and not dating at all. Isn't that what I said?
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