Runningman Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I've been seeing this girl for about four months now. I like her for many reasons, but at the same time I'm taking it slow. I just found out that she owes the IRS about $14K in back taxes, which she's known about for years, but never took care of. It has grown to this amount due to interest, etc. This immediately turned me off. She has two great kids to begin with, but adding this to the pile didn't help her to not come across as a potential "burden." I'm kinda worried at how fast my feelings for her changed just from that bit of news. Am I being shallow, or is this just my gut telling me to run away..? 2
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 If you aren't married or intend to get married, it doesn't matter. It's her problem to deal with. She may need some emotional support for stress or what have you, otherwise, it's not your problem. If she asks you for money, I wouldn't give it to her. If you intend to marry her, you simply need to tell her to get those issues squared away before you go down the aisle. If you think it's matter of her being generally irresponsible, then I would not marry her.
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It would be a major red flag for me as well. She has shown that she is financially irresponsible, doesn't think about the future, and would rather live in the moment than take responsibility for herself. If it were simply a debt that she is paying off responsibly such as a car loan or a mortgage or a credit card debt then I'd be inclined to let it slide, but she's known about it for years and let it grow and grow by not taking action. This kind of short-sighted financially irresponsibility is not a trait I would accept in a partner. 3
Emilia Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Oh I would completely lose respect for someone like that. I'd think that they are an idiot. 4
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I got bounced out so I didn't get to edit/post it the way I wanted to, but here's my real response . . . You aren't married to her and it's only been 4 months, so you shouldn't even be thinking about marrying her yet, it doesn't matter. It's her problem to deal with. She may need some emotional support for stress or what have you, otherwise, it's not your problem at the moment. Continue to get to know her and see if she is at least responsible in general with her life. If she asks you for money, I wouldn't give it to her. If you intend to marry her, you simply need to tell her to get those issues squared away before you go down the aisle. If you think it's matter of her being generally irresponsible, then I would not marry her. If you two have had a relationship discussion and both of you are looking to get married, I would tell her to start getting things in order as soon as possible at least in order for you to continue to take the relationship seriously.
AVarma Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Get over yourself. It's really none of your business. 3
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) Something else to consider . . . part of the marriage vows a couple takes includes "for better or for worse". There are no guarantees with a marriage or any relationship ever. If you married someone at a young age, for instance, you don't know anything about how they will grow, change, behave later nor do you know what mistakes you will make in the future. I was married for 30 years and we went through some difficult periods, made mistakes, etc. However, our bond during those times was about telling each other we were there for each other and could and would deal with them and get through them and we did. At the end, it wasn't about any of those things we'd weathered. People are afraid of commitment because they want a guarantee that whomever they are with will not change or that they themselves won't change over time, they want some kind of crystal ball that says there will never be problems to deal with. The truth is that if the bond is true and strong, you don't need to be afraid of all that. And, I'll say this, even though we did divorce, we do not consider that the marriage was a failure. We had a great life together, made a nice home for our children, had everything we needed, worked hard, etc. Edited January 6, 2015 by Redhead14 1
losangelena Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Compared to some people's debt, $14k is not really that much money. I would not say it's a "shallow" concern—it does point to at least one instance of financial irresponsibility, which could be a potential character issue—but if I were you, I'd look at the bigger picture. Is she this way in other areas? Was she dealing (or not dealing) with this during a particularly stressful time in her life? What is it about this issue that turns you off? The fact that someone could rack up that much debt (welcome to the 21st century) or that you may one day be responsible for it? She obviously felt comfortable enough to confess that to you now, so you must have some decent bond. 2
newlyborn Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) 14k on a student loan or even a bunch of credit cards seems to me like less of a deal than owing the IRS that amount in back taxes. honestly, i would wonder how that happened. was it years or not filing, not reporting income, receiving fines, etc? it definitely strikes me as irresponsible... Edited January 6, 2015 by newlyborn 3
Scaatys2014 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 You're being shallow. I would "run from you" if your feelings changed because of this. S#@t happens, its not like she admitted to killing someone, being an ex prostitute, Yada, yada. Bigger things to slag someone over. If money-saving,matters are of HUGE importance then obviously you're with the wrong person. Still pretty shallow though. IMHO
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 You are being sensible to have concerns about going further until this is addressed but why does it change how you feel about dating her? I'm not saying you are wrong for having your feelings change, but I do want you to understand why? Do you think she's dumb or irresponsible? If she is taking steps to address the back taxes, then find a way to accept that she had grown as a person. It also may depend on why she's in this trouble. A friend of mine ended up in a terrible mess with the IRS because unbeknownst to her, her husband didn't pay the taxes from their small business even though he told he had. 3
PogoStick Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 OP should be cautious and not get dragged down in her problems. However: How can people say those negative things when they don't know the background? 60% of bankruptcy in the US is caused by medical bills. It's tragic. You would hate on a woman for being in debt because she had cancer? Now who's the bad person? 5
aggie382 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 OP should be cautious and not get dragged down in her problems. However: How can people say those negative things when they don't know the background? 60% of bankruptcy in the US is caused by medical bills. It's tragic. You would hate on a woman for being in debt because she had cancer? Now who's the bad person? My mom went into a lot of debt when my dad died suddenly, and had to draw early from her 401k to support me and my siblings. She had a huge tax penalty because of that that she's still paying on. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 If your life is perfect and your looking for someone perfect . . . you're gonna be lonely. What will you do when you reveal something to her, even if you consider it less of a big deal, but she is turned off? 1
carhill Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 From the relationship aspect, one point of compatibility would turn upon her plan of action for such incidents (stuff happens!) and does it match up with yours. Since this is getting to know someone, such matters arise. We know the IRS isn't going away so a plan of action is required to deal with them. Get her perspective on that. See how it goes.
PogoStick Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 My mom went into a lot of debt when my dad died suddenly, and had to draw early from her 401k to support me and my siblings. She had a huge tax penalty because of that that she's still paying on. I can imagine how you would feel if the next man dating her says she's a bad, irresponsible person for not managing her finances. I went into debt helping my mother-in-law pay for cancer treatments at $3000+ per session. We had no money to spare, but try telling that to your wife as she watches her 42 y/o mother turn into a walking skeleton. Then we got divorced after I lost my job in the 2008 recession. Declaring bankruptcy was the only responsible decision I could make. 2
kendahke Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I've been seeing this girl for about four months now. I like her for many reasons, but at the same time I'm taking it slow. I just found out that she owes the IRS about $14K in back taxes, which she's known about for years, but never took care of. It has grown to this amount due to interest, etc. Has she stated what her reasons are for ignoring this obligation? Was it because of a medical crisis and she had to clean out her 401k/403b? Was it due to not taking enough out in withholding? Was it because of a tax preparer who took way too many liberties and the IRS snatched up a knot on her? Tax laws got really, really strict in 2013 and they tried to come after me, but I had documentation to fight them off. This immediately turned me off. She has two great kids to begin with, but adding this to the pile didn't help her to not come across as a potential "burden." I'm kinda worried at how fast my feelings for her changed just from that bit of news. Am I being shallow, or is this just my gut telling me to run away..? The IRS climbing into your cookie dough can happen to anyone. The fact that she has ignored it til the amount grew to $14k is a huge, neon red flag. I've known people with children who have owed back taxes and the IRS will work with people to get the matter resolved--or you hire Donnie Deutch and she'll get your amount reduced or so she says in her ads. IMO this speaks to the fact that she's either irresponsible or she's waiting on a man to bail her out. Was it because of a medical crisis and she had to go into her 401k? Was it due to not taking enough out in withholding? Was it due to her preparer taking too many liberties and the IRS snatched up a knot on her? Tax laws became really, really strict in the last 2 years--they tried to come after me, but I had documentation to fight them off. It would turn me off, too. It comes across as a financial burden to me, too. I don't think you're being shallow. I think you're noticing irresponsibility with her and she needs to clean up her mess. It would be different if she had gone through the steps to set up some kind of repayment plan and is in the process of doing so--but she's ignoring her obligations. Not a good trait in a potential partner. I'd be in the wind, too. Edited January 6, 2015 by kendahke 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Sounds like this is one of your boundary issues. Nobody can tell you what your boundaries should be. Nor should they. If it's simply that she picks her nose at in-opportune times, and you don't like that, you'd still have every right to stop seeing her. Continuing to date someone who does cross your boundaries would be an issue though. You just have to weight the pros and cons for yourself. We all have different boundaries that we don't want crossed. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I don't know what the IRS is... I wound up recently in around $15k worth of debt. It kinda accumulated, partly student overdraft I never got rid of, partly a loan to get me through when I lost my job due to sickness and wasn't qualifying for benefits, partly when my Mom died and left no money and we had to find the cash for a headstone, partly when my car completely broke and as a driver I needed to get a new car (cheapest I could find) to keep my job, partly admittedly irrational and irresponsible sending, when my Mom died for around a year I'd spend crazy money on crap to cheer myself up... makeup, clothes, not expensive stuff, just a small amount almost every day. I just grabbed onto anything to take the pain away and shopping did. Briefly. My partner at the time lost his job and I had to taken on the bulk of the expenses too. Anyway I got 'lucky' and managed to file for insolvency due to my really poor circumstances, that was just over a year ago, and will remain on my credit record making it appalling for six years. Won't be able to get a loan, overdraft, finance, mortgage, nothing. I'm so happy about that. I have changed SO much as a person. I never even really understood what debt or money meant. I didn't understand the debt spiral, using my tiny income to pay for the debt repayments, meaning I was using the credit card for food. It just got to such a total nightmare. Now I'm earning double what I was before, I'm so much better with money (and was even before this better income, once that safety net was taken away of overdraft). I live within my means, I'm even accruing savings. Looking for the best deals. Dealing with my problems in a more healthy way than spending. I would judge her on her actions now, not on her actual debt. It would concern me if someone wasn't addressing it or making payments (I never missed a payment, although only because I was using the debt for essentials), just burying their head in the sand. But the debt itself, so many people fall on such hard times, I would struggle to judge someone for debt unless they had gotten into it for a reason like a brand new overly expensive car, or blown it all on drugs and hookers. My current boyfriend has equivalent levels of debt to me (well, before it was written off) and it's kinda helpful that we both understand what it's like and how easy it is to slide into it. I think we're a good influence on one another now but even before he came onto the scene, having this horrible experience with mounting debt I think has made me the most financially responsible and careful person I know ever since it happened!
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I've been seeing this girl for about four months now. I like her for many reasons, but at the same time I'm taking it slow. I just found out that she owes the IRS about $14K in back taxes, which she's known about for years, but never took care of. It has grown to this amount due to interest, etc. This immediately turned me off. She has two great kids to begin with, but adding this to the pile didn't help her to not come across as a potential "burden." I'm kinda worried at how fast my feelings for her changed just from that bit of news. Am I being shallow, or is this just my gut telling me to run away..? She's a moron. Instead of acting like a responsible adult and dealing with this as soon as she knew about it, she chose instead to pretend it didn't exist and her stupidity has cost her dearly. Maybe she thinks Obama will bail her out. After all, it IS an entitlement society now, so who knows. Pfft. I doubt she'll take your advice, but you can advise her to prepare what's called an Offer in Compromise. Usually a professional is the better one to do it on one's behalf, but she can certainly try her hand at it. Problem is, if it's not done 100% completely right, the IRS will reject it. That's why it's recommended that a professional prepare it. This form proposes a lessened amount of money she's willing to offer the IRS in order to settle her $14,000 debt with them. She might propose $2,000 or $3,000 - that's her call. The only caveat is that she has to be prepared to PAY them immediately should they accept her accompanying paperwork and offer. I know a guy that owed back taxes and after about 7 or 8 years of ignoring the growing debt and hoping it would magically just go away (like your girlfriend is doing), it eventually topped out at $53,000. Suddenly, all the money in his bank account was levied and taken, his tax return funds were seized, his wages were garnished - the works. And THAT'S what she's got to look forward to if she wants to keep acting stupid.
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Well at first all I saw was "Just Found Out GF has a Huge _____" and then it started with a D. And then it was DEBT and I was like oh thank goodness. So this could be a lot worse OP, just sayin. Anyway how many people in the U.S. are NOT in debt of any kind right now? Isn't that the American way? Struggle in a slowly dying rat race society, rack up as much debt as you can just to try to get a head start, hope it works and if not, hide and survive? I refused to ever go into debt. What if something happened and I couldn't pay it off? Refusing to go into debt just about crippled my life with no help from family. It's amazing what you can't do without X amount of credit, which essentially comes from paying back debt. To this day I am 100% debt-free and always have been. You know what else I am? - Higher Education Free - Vehicle Free - Apartment Of My Own Free Among other things of which I am "free" along with debt. Lots of things I love about my country but lots of things that make me cringe, our overall economic attitude being one of them. Funny how the IRS is like a rabid coyote when it comes to single moms who owe chump change, compared to politicians (both sides of the isle!!!) who seem to have magically gotten really rich somehow despite being public servants. How do you "deal" with it if you can't afford to "deal" with it? And I've seen how the feds treat people, ****. I am not shocked if some people think "I can't afford this" and then get scared and try to run/hide. 2
Toodaloo Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It would be a major red flag for me as well. She has shown that she is financially irresponsible, doesn't think about the future, and would rather live in the moment than take responsibility for herself. If it were simply a debt that she is paying off responsibly such as a car loan or a mortgage or a credit card debt then I'd be inclined to let it slide, but she's known about it for years and let it grow and grow by not taking action. This kind of short-sighted financially irresponsibility is not a trait I would accept in a partner. Read this... I don't really have much else to say. Having been in debt and battled to pay it all off I know how hard it can be but to just allow it to grow and not deal with it is plain stupid. I know things are different in the US but sticking your head in the sand is just plain irresponsible. Not only would it turn me off - it would terrify me...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 is this just my gut telling me to run away..? It is more like common sense telling you to run away. This person is clearly irresponsible, and you don't want that for the long term (no matter what some of these equally irresponsible people say).
amaysngrace Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Why does she have the debt in the first place? That's what you need to find out. My exH owed the IRS over $20K when I filed for divorce. He took full responsibility for that debt but he wasn't quick enough to settle so a lien was placed on my home that I bought on my own but when I was technically still married. He paid it off and the lien was lifted but if you had asked me at the time I'd tell you that the IRS placed a lien on my home and it wouldn't look good on me even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. Every situation is different.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I can imagine how you would feel if the next man dating her says she's a bad, irresponsible person for not managing her finances. I went into debt helping my mother-in-law pay for cancer treatments at $3000+ per session. We had no money to spare, but try telling that to your wife as she watches her 42 y/o mother turn into a walking skeleton. Then we got divorced after I lost my job in the 2008 recession. Declaring bankruptcy was the only responsible decision I could make. What? This makes no sense at all. How is it you are comparing someone who owes "back taxes" to someone else who is merely paying a penalty for early withdrawal of 401K funds to support a family once thrust into a dire situation? And you yourself have no understanding at all what "responsible" means if you think that declaring bankruptcy ever amounts to same. That's worse than the woman in the original story - at least she didn't run away from her debt and let the system pay for it.
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