anyone don't see the point in being in a relationship if it's not leading to mariage?

[Jules Dash]

There will be always responsible and irresponsible people, that's the whole point. For someone to think that marriage will provide some kind of definite security for the future, they have to think again since you have to account for the human factor. Whether it's marrying on the whim or marrying a cheater or someone financially irresponsible or finding out that the other person can't have kids or have changed their mind, etc etc etc. There is no such a thing as predictable 'very stable'. There are billions of people with billions of issues. Commitment to any of them for 40 years is very hard which is why many don't make it.

 

 

My point is strictly from a statistical point of view. I deal with a lot of numbers and statistics so I tend to go beneath the surface of pure numbers. Of course relationships and marriages are difficult but there are those that are more likely to fail and those that are least likely to fail. I think in that 50% figure, a lot of 18 year olds who got married out of high school is factored into that number compared to those who get married in their 30s and have a stable career and a few children to look after. Of course many situations show up into the numbers but those who marry young and poor are just much more likely to get divorced.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Domestic partnership.

 

Marriage is expensive, divorce is expensive and if you have a lot of assets and aren't quite sure, then DP is the way to go.

 

Marriage is just a piece of paper.

[kidinfo1]

I just find it crazy that people are just willingly accepting that marriage isn't a thing anymore. How can you just accept that at the end of your life you want have that one person that has always been there? Or that your kids wont grow up with a mom and dad? I just don't see how people are willingly okay with that.

 

Trust me, I'm not old fashion in anyway, I actually view myself as very progressive. But the fact that the value of relationships and loyalty is diminishing in the world is truly upsetting

[PogoStick]

At it's core, marriage in the US is just a legal contract, combining 2 people into 1 household. That's why you go to a courthouse and get a license, and that's why it goes through the legal system to get a divorce.

 

All the other fluff around it is cultural. Your views are old-fashioned and narrow minded. What about cultures with multiple spouses? Arranged marriages? Do you know arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than free marriages in the US? Now we're getting into gay marriages, and some people want to get into triads.

 

1 man and 1 woman, in love forever. That's the only way? And you mention raising children, but not everyone wants to raise kids. I can still be a mentor, a teacher, a little league coach.

 

I'm much more fluid. The person who is good for me now might not be a good fit in a few years as both our lives evolve. I'd love to have a woman who I end up with for decades. That would be amazing. But I also enjoy what I experience and learn in every new relationship. There are so many incredible women that it would be a shame to have my life blessed by only one of them.

[PegNosePete]

How can you just accept that at the end of your life you want have that one person that has always been there? Or that your kids wont grow up with a mom and dad? I just don't see how people are willingly okay with that.

What do either of those things have to do with marriage?

 

My sister is unmarried but her daughter has a mum and a dad, in fact they've just bought a house together. Some of my best friends are unmarried but all of their kids have a mum and a dad who are just as happily together as they were years ago. A marriage is not required to have kids, nor to stay together afterwards.

 

the fact that the value of relationships and loyalty is diminishing in the world is truly upsetting

That may or may not be true but what does it have to do with marriage? You are suggesting some kind of direct link between loyalty and value of relationships with marriage, which simply isn't true. You can be perfectly loyal and place very high value on the relationship without a legally binding agreement, and conversely many people who are married place little value on their relationships and are highly disloyal.

 

The fact that someone doesn't want to get married does not mean they are disloyal and don't value relationships! Wherever did you get that idea from? It's pretty crazy if you think about it objectively.

[carhill]

Do you guys think there is a point to serious relationships If the outcome isn't marriage?

 

Sure. Marriage is a legal partnership, adding bonds of the state and, in some cases, the church to the already committed relationship. Some people are not interested in ratification by such entities so simply live their relationship. Different strokes for different folks.

[kidinfo1]

What do either of those things have to do with marriage?

 

My sister is unmarried but her daughter has a mum and a dad, in fact they've just bought a house together. Some of my best friends are unmarried but all of their kids have a mum and a dad who are just as happily together as they were years ago. A marriage is not required to have kids, nor to stay together afterwards.

 

 

That may or may not be true but what does it have to do with marriage? You are suggesting some kind of direct link between loyalty and value of relationships with marriage, which simply isn't true. You can be perfectly loyal and place very high value on the relationship without a legally binding agreement, and conversely many people who are married place little value on their relationships and are highly disloyal.

 

The fact that someone doesn't want to get married does not mean they are disloyal and don't value relationships! Wherever did you get that idea from? It's pretty crazy if you think about it objectively.

 

I guess the way it's being out here it sounds crazy. I'm not saying you need to be married and have kids, but who wants to be a single parent? I'm not knocking it at all, my mom was / is one, and single parents deserve all the respect in the world, but I like to think in my life I would be able to raise a beautiful kid with s beautiful wife and grow as a family. I don't want to have joint custody or anything like that. Not saying I still wouldn't enjoy raising my kid that way, it's just not the ideal situation for me.

 

Idk maybe it's just because I never had a mom + dad wife + husband growing up and never got to experience that type of relationship. But I want that for my kid/life

[Redhead14]

Well, it's perhaps a matter age and life goals. I, for instance, am 55, was married for 30 years, had a home, children, etc. I no longer have the "need" to be married. I'm not having any more children, buying a home is no longer important to me, etc. I do, however, want someone significant in my life to share experiences with, be close to, someone to watch TV with My needs are simpler. I want someone I'm committed to for the long run and who is committed to me. I don't need a piece of paper anymore. I'd rather have someone who is bonded to me on a emotional level and who wants to be with me because they want to be there, not because of a piece of paper which can be torn up anyway at some point.

 

As I've said in other posts, there are never any guarantees as to whether a relationship will last "forever". However, why live in fear of it not lasting forever. Enjoy what you have when you have it.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not saying you need to be married and have kids, but who wants to be a single parent?

Huh? These are not the only two options you know. It's perfectly possible and very common for two people to be in a happy relationship, living together, raising their kid, without being married. That does not make them "single parents". I'm not sure why you don't seem to think this is possible. For you it's either married or split up. That makes no sense at all. I know plenty of unmarried couples who have a perfectly happy - and together - family.

[kidinfo1]

Huh? These are not the only two options you know. It's perfectly possible and very common for two people to be in a happy relationship, living together, raising their kid, without being married. That does not make them "single parents". I'm not sure why you don't seem to think this is possible. For you it's either married or split up. That makes no sense at all. I know plenty of unmarried couples who have a perfectly happy - and together - family.

 

I don't think I'm explaining myself properly. I'm not saying it's not possible, and I wouldn't have a kid with someone I'm not married to - because I would - but the point I'm saying is, id eventually want to end up married to that person

[Redhead14]

You've said it plainly above, you want to be married. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get married, then there is no point in staying in that relationship PERIOD.

 

You don't want the same things, it's not going to last anyway.

[BluEyeL]

It's OK to want to be married. If the person you are with doesn't ever want to be married you have to believe them and end it as soon as possible and stop wasting you time. Plenty of girls want to be married, and often a break up is a good thing, freeing you to finding your true match.

 

I'm like Redhead. In my 40s, having been married and had a kid, I don't really need/care to be married. I'd get married, but I can just live with someone all the same, and I'd actually maybe prefer the living together to marriage. But when I was in my 20s, I definitely wanted to get married, so you're absolutely normal for your age.

[Gaeta]

I guess the way it's being out here it sounds crazy. I'm not saying you need to be married and have kids, but who wants to be a single parent? I'm not knocking it at all, my mom was / is one, and single parents deserve all the respect in the world, but I like to think in my life I would be able to raise a beautiful kid with s beautiful wife and grow as a family. I don't want to have joint custody or anything like that. Not saying I still wouldn't enjoy raising my kid that way, it's just not the ideal situation for me.

 

Idk maybe it's just because I never had a mom + dad wife + husband growing up and never got to experience that type of relationship. But I want that for my kid/life

 

You've stopped listening didn't you? lol

 

Someone already explained to you you don't need a marriage certificate to raise a family with someone. Look at what I said earlier, I was married and ended up divorcing when my daughter was 13. My brother did not marry and him and his lady have been together 25 years, 3 kids. Who had a better relationship? Who better commitment? Better compatibility?

 

If 50% of marriages end up in divorce what does it say? It says your paper is no guarantee you will make it as a couple. You STILL can end up raising your children alone.

[PegNosePete]

id eventually want to end up married to that person

How can you possibly know that? You might have a kid and split up. Then you wouldn't want to be married to them, would you?

 

You seem to have a fantasy in your head about how your future will go. Real life is simply not like that. You can't plan it so far in advance and especially can't plan other people's feelings and opinions.

 

Sure you can say that you want marriage, and you're perfectly entitled to end a relationship because your partner doesn't want marriage. But your rigidity and unnecessary insistence on a legal bond may be causing you to throw away a perfectly good chance at lifelong happiness. It's been explained why you don't need marriage to obtain happiness many times on this thread so there's no point repeating. It's your call.

[BluEyeL]

I think you should stop dumping your baggage and jadedness on the kid's head. He is young. He wants to get married. That's his dream and his right. We are older, we have failed marriages and don't want to get married again, but it's OK for someone like him to consider marriage as the right way to live life and raise kids.

 

It's not true that 50% of marriages end in divorce, the rate went down and it highly depends on the demographics. Women with college degrees that marry after the age of 30 have only a 17% divorce rate for example.

 

The answer to the OP is, if you want to get married and she doesn't you have to end it now and find someone who does.

[Gaeta]

I think you should stop dumping your baggage and jadedness on the kid's head. He is young. He wants to get married. That's his dream and his right. We are older, we have failed marriages and don't want to get married again, but it's OK for someone like him to consider marriage as the right way to live life and raise kids.

 

It's not true that 50% of marriages end in divorce, the rate went down and it highly depends on the demographics. Women with college degrees that marry after the age of 30 have only a 17% divorce rate for example.

 

The answer to the OP is, if you want to get married and she doesn't you have to end it now and find someone who does.

 

Of course....

 

What is igniting the conversation here is OP refusal to understand that marriage is not a guarantee and common-law couples have as much success at relationship and parenthood.

[Els]

And yes I am young (23) which is why I say 7-10 years.

 

Ah, okay. You ARE quite young. But my advice still stands - don't worry so much about this at this stage. Just enjoy your relationship, live a little, get some new experiences, build your life and your career, etc. If and when you are ready for marriage (in 7 years or whatever) then reevaluate your relationship. So much can change between 23 and 30 years of age - in you, in her, everything. No point trying to see a thousand steps ahead.

 

 

Plus I want a stable career and life before I jump into that.

 

I don't mean to put a price or monetary value on it, I just look at it from the point of view that, yes you were my responsibility to take care of before, but now I'm REALLY supposed to be able to take care of you (provide a house, stable life, etc), which I obviously can't do at a young age. I see marriage as a grown up "next-step" in a relationship after you've grown together. You're both ready to take it to that next level and actually start a whole new life. Idk maybe I've just been looking at it wrong?

 

This is the common view of marriage among men from more traditional cultures. It isn't necessarily wrong, though you may find yourself at odds with people who don't share those beliefs.

 

There really are no guarantees in life, ever, but that's no reason to not adhere to your beliefs and to go for what's important to you.

[preraph]

There are a few basic things you have to agree on and have in common when contemplating a spouse, and certainly first among those is does the other person even want to be married and have a family. Doesn't sound like she does. And that's okay, but probably not the right person for you. You need to really pin her down about what her intentions are here. Does she want kids someday or not? Does she want them with you? Can she be in a monogamous relationship? What are her career goals and how do they figure into what she wants in a relationship. You have a right to get straight answers. Look at what she is getting out of the relationship and see if she's getting out more than she's putting in and could that be why she stays in but does not commit.

[Diezel]

I would answer your question with a question.

 

If you're in a serious relationship, living together with ILY's etc, then what benefit is there to getting married?

 

In America... tax benefits is the answer to your question.

[FitChick]

I am only dating men with the idea of marriage. Helps weed out the non-starters so saves time, energy and money.

[kaylan]

OP, I usually tend to be a one woman guy...but despite that I like my freedom and am not ready to be tied down. I'll casually date one woman for some time, enjoy time with her, and sometimes this one girl will be the only person who catches my eye.

 

But even with that, sometimes I'll feel a sense of loss if I know it won't ultimately lead to a more serious long term relationship. Its weird...but Im realistic...which is why I dont rush things. I crave companionship, but I also know nothing lasts forever, and I can tell pretty quickly if a girl and I would be suited for the seriousness of a long relationship.

 

Nothing wrong with living in the moment and enjoying the person while you have them. Nothing in life in guaranteed...so some of us simply date, enjoy the people who come into our lives, and still remain prepared for that time in the future when we will have to part ways.

 

Yeah it sucks, but thats real life.

[kaylan]

For me i think theres no point in relationships unless marriage is involved. If they dont want to be with you forever then they shouldnt be dating you. People on this forum who say no are all players.

How are two people players if they are monogamous, exclusive, but know marriage isnt likely for both of them?

 

You make little sense. Companionship is not only about marriage.

[thecrucible]

I want to get married one day, but I hope I don't have a Disney-fied view of it.

 

 

I wouldn't want to date a guy who doesn't want marriage and children at some point. But I wouldn't ask him straight away, except in a vague way about his future plans. I'm 25 now - eek! I have other 'dealbreakers' which make things a no-go for me but I try not to have ridiculous ones. I agree - no point in starting something that you already know won't last.

 

 

After breaking up with my last guy, I came up with a checklist of what I want and don't want; and what I'd consider my ideal. I'd analyse instantly. Now my New Year's resolution is to be less rigid with the list but to trust my natural instincts and be honest with myself about whether or not me and a guy will be right for each other. I'm hoping this'll make dating less scary.

[thecrucible]

But even with that, sometimes I'll feel a sense of loss if I know it won't ultimately lead to a more serious long term relationship. Its weird...but Im realistic...which is why I dont rush things. I crave companionship, but I also know nothing lasts forever, and I can tell pretty quickly if a girl and I would be suited for the seriousness of a long relationship.

 

I agree with your approach. I want it to feel right so what's the point in rushing? However I don't know how to take it slow without the guy getting hurt or distracted by the fact I'm not instantly head over heels. I don't meet a lot who feel the same way about the pace. I don't like to take it slow because of prudishness; I just think that by taking it slowly, you get rewarded more later on with a genuine relationship that's not just based on lust. But I think physical stuff should happen when it's the right time, whether that's the first date or a month in.

[kaylan]

I agree with your approach. I want it to feel right so what's the point in rushing? However I don't know how to take it slow without the guy getting hurt or distracted by the fact I'm not instantly head over heels. I don't meet a lot who feel the same way about the pace. I don't like to take it slow because of prudishness; I just think that by taking it slowly, you get rewarded more later on with a genuine relationship that's not just based on lust. But I think physical stuff should happen when it's the right time, whether that's the first date or a month in.

I agree.

 

I just try my best to take things as they come.

 

And timetables are silly (to a point). The girl Im seeing now, things moved almost too speedily...but we pumped the breaks on our second date. We did end up sleeping together on our 4th date. Im glad we took a little more time to hang out together. It did us good. It didnt feel like we forced anything either.

 

There's no definite pace for everyone. When it feels right, it feels right.