mpatel Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 My ex left me 5 weeks ago and I'd like to be with her again. I have 3 decisions I need to make which are listed below, and just for now I'd like to determine them based on which has the highest likelihood of getting my ex back, not based on what may or may not be best for my current mental health. The reasons she left are because she had become very unhappy in the relationship and begun to feel bad about herself. This is because i often found fault in what she did, and was too harsh on her (it really was her fault, but it wasn't malicious) and it hurt her self esteem deeply. I only found out how much it affected her on the day she broke up with me, and it all kind of exploded in an emotional mess that she released, otherwise I could have solved the problem earlier had I known. The relationship had been absolutely perfect, and we were perfect for each other for about 2 years, but for the last year our dynamic had changed and I had changed for the worse as well. Since then she's been firmly saying that our personalities are too different and that although she still loves me and wishes we were compatible, she needs to think about her own happiness and felt very trapped because of how bad she felt about herself. She said seeing me and talking to me still make her feel bad about herself. We both valued each other very deeply and agreed to stay in each other's lives just as close as we were, except without the romance or planning a future together. However over the last month I had found this impossible and gone through an emotional roller coaster, unable to yet accept the breakup, and fearing the fact that she was actively trying to get over me, which culminated in me begging for her back and being a pitiful mess, pushing her away. She currently has huge upper hand. In the last week I have made large strides in accepting the breakup, and am feeling much more ok about it. That being said, I would still prefer her back, and I have been agonizing over a couple difficult decisions. DECISION 1 OPTIONS: 1. I go NC for a month, and then come back, trying to rekindle/start fresh. 2. Stay friends with her, and just once again be the person who she fell in love with (very easy for me to put on the charm, be easy going, and not be negative) and try to make her feel that I make her feel good about herself again (not 100% sure the best way to do that) and demonstrate that I actually can make her happy in the long term. My thoughts on each option: 1. 1 is good because it will allow her time to remove some residual anger and pain she has (there was a time 3 weeks ago where it got so bad that just talking to me would make her angry, but most of the time she seems happy around me), but I know that although she will miss me, she is currently fully committed to the notion that we are done forever, and no amount of no contact itself will make her have doubts. This means I will have to rekindle after the NC period and start with her assuming we are to be friends, just like she assumes we are to be now. I'm also scared that it will give her more time to be ok without me. I know she will miss me but she will also heal and start to move on, and part of me thinks maybe it's an advantage that she's currently still somewhat attached. 2. I like 2 because I have been complacent and not been myself over the last year, and i'm pretty sure I could fix the root problems she's having by spending more time with her, going back to the man i was, and doing exciting things we've never done (our relationship had become boring and routine), and staying positive and fun. The problem is I'm worried that she will have some invisible mental barrier up saying that "no matter what happens or how he changes, this man is not right for me, he is just a friend, and this man will always be this man, no matter what, and there's no going back" that she will somehow reinforce every time we see each other. I'm not sure if doing no contact first instead would somehow remove that barrier or whether it would make it stronger. As an additional point about this option, last time we hung out (2 weeks ago) we had a great time. Afterwards I asked her if she had at ll wanted to reach out to me and hold me, and she told me not to ask because she didn't want to get my hopes up (which means she still feels something). DECISIONS 2/3 IF I DO NO CONTACT: The last week in our lives has been one where i have pushed her away by pitifully giving up my dignity and begging for her back. Despite this she still texts me daily asking how things are, but I know at this point she must perceive me as pretty desperate. Before I go NC (if i do) ive decided that i need to have a last communication with her where I basically come across as strong and happy and apologize for my behaviours and agree with the breakup and encourage her to date and be happy etc to remove the negative images in her head. But just 2 weeks ago we were on great and more frequent terms and even saw each other and had a great time, so i'm wondering whether I should: DECISION 2 1. Just have a final convo with her to demonstrate my strength and then go NC or 2. Spend about a week building as much value as I can with her, trying to return things to normal and getting her used to the routine of me in her life again (to undo the damage of the last week), and ending it in one last get together where she can see me and remember how things used to be and feel when they were normal. And then go no contact right when she was getting used to how things used to be. I feel like that might be more emotionally impactful but IDK. DECISION 3 (IF I GO NC) 1. Do i tell her firmly that Im doing NC and not to call? (this makes me sound weak, I should spin it to make it sound like im doing it for her because she needs to forget about me and heal) 2. Do i say nothing at all and just disappear off the map? This would have less initial impact, but would leave her with a building sense of "wtf" over time 3. Do i do some other in between approach? A final question: She's said a lot about how we cant get back together no matter what and how once she makes a decision she doesnt go back. It got me thinking about how there's always some intangible scariness/barrier of going back with an ex that seems almost insurmountable, like youre taking steps backwards in your life and like even if it seems like a good opportunity your mind will indefinitely tell you you cant move backward and must move forward, like it's a burnt bridge or a locked door. Is there any merit to this concern or is it something that can be overcome with the right emotional experiences? Thank you all so much for taking the time to listen to my problems, and I hope that you can grant some of your wisdom and insight to aid my decision making process. Thank you Martin
Ordinaryday Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 you can't get someone back by playing NC days or doing the old 'go 30 days NC and then ask her out for coffee to show her how much I have changed trick'. if someone does not want to be with you then they wont be and no amount of games will change that. the only thing you can go is complete 100% NC, tell her you have no interest in being just friends with her. you can leave the door open by telling her simply 'Im not prepared to be just friends with you. dont contact me unless it is about us getting back together'. that tells her exactly where you stand. then ignore all "happy birthday" or "good luck with your exams" or "hope you are okay" text messages from her (provided you get any) and dont send her any and dont contact her at all unless she contacts you first and says she has reconsidered and wants to give you another chance with her. anything else is a waste of your time and will delay you moving on. 1
Author mpatel Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 But what if the underlying reasons that she doesnt want to be with me are based on her bad experiences and perception of me strictly over the last year? She told me that we were perfect for each other in the first two years but that our interactions changed. And what if it's also based on her currently feeling bad about herself around me? She told me that she would have still wanted to be together if things were as they used to be, but she believes that this is my personality and doesnt believe in change, and thinks it's too late to go back. But if she took some time apart to heal and emotionally forget the bad last year, and then we started spending time together and it was just like the old good times, wouldn't she at the very least experience some attraction and desire?
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 NC is not a tool to get somebody back. If you want somebody back you have to talk to them & work with them to solve the problem. The best time to do this is in the weeks before somebody pulls the trigger & actually calls off the relationship. The fact that you found fault with things she did which upset her & adversely affected her self esteem, tells me she is better off without you. The fact that even in the post, you pointed out that the things were her fault continues to support my belief. You can't be friends with an EX. She needs to get away from you to rebuild her life. Just because you may have been perfect for each other, doesn't mean you still are. Do both of you a favor & walk away. 1
Light Breeze Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 IMO Do what you think is best for you, seems you got your plan. I have to warn you however to be prepared if this blows up in your face. Based on what I've seen, when a girl switches you off in her mind it would be pretty damn difficult to turn it back on and most of the times even impossible. It wouldn't be about your character flaws anymore, it would be about them being done. Because when she's done, she's done. You can't do anything about it. But, whatever floats your boat, I wish you good luck, and sincerely hope you get her back. Cheers. 1
fwd Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 NC is not the way to get someone back- it should only be used when you want to move on from someone in the quickest way. If you want NC for a month and then came back you'd come across as a weak guy who is unsure of what he wants. Here's what you need to do and this is what I did (it worked): - let her know in a non- intense but clear way: that she is important to you, and that you understand how she feels. Then explain that you don't like the place you guys are at currently, and so as much as you would love her to be part of your life, the situation is not working for you so you need to take yourself away from it. Then let her know if she changes her mind, she should call you and you'd love to talk to her. - don't contact her - this shows you meant what you said. If she doesn't contact you, you know she doesn't want you back, but I pretty much guarantee she will contact you at some point, so in the mean time, get on with your life, and spend some time working on yourself (maybe learn to be less critical of others close to you for example ) - when she gets in touch, you start dating again.. don't talk long over the phone or give anything away about what you've been up to, make a date, and on it be friendly, charming but most of all, FUN. Make sure it has a way of ending with sex. - afterwards, say how great it has been seeing her and you had a good time, but don't make another time to meet yet. Go your own ways and wait for her to call you back, when she does, do the same thing again. Be FUN and charming and playful again. - during this time, make sure she is the one coming to you 80% of the time. - if all goes well she will be asking for you back within weeks. Remember - Stop being desperate and asking for her back. (SHE will come to YOU if she changes her mind- women are just like that.). If you ask for her back, you'll bring back negative feelings about the break up and she will feel forced. Good luck
HurtGator Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) I get the impression that she derives her happiness from other people and not from within herself. So she makes a mistake (you said it was her fault) and she still wants you to walk on eggshells around her? That's ridiculous. She's complaining that your personalities have changed? That sounds like a lame excuse. Basically what she's telling you is: "I want to do and act as I want and take no responsibility for it. And if I do something wrong, I want you to walk on eggshells so I don't have to be accountable for my poor decisions. However, if you do call me out on it, I will blame it on you instead so I don't have to feel guilty for my own mistakes." I'm curious, can you provide some examples of her being at fault and how you were harsh on her? Edited January 7, 2015 by HurtGator
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