Feeling insecure after a comment she made

[mc117]

I got a scab on my lip from picking at a pimple, and my girlfriend said i was "ugly for now" and that surprised me and now im feeling insecure about it. Im just wondering wether to let this slide, and ignore it, or take it up with her. She is one of those girls who thinks being insecure over something like what she said is not okay and would say im making a big deal out of it so that is why i havent told her about it. I guess im not comfortable bringing up any issues because she always acts that way about it. I do think she loves me though. Im conflicted over what i should do because in a way it isnt a big deal but at the same time, i would never say that to her, and based on how she says i make her feel good about herself, im building her up, and she is breaking me down.

 

-mc117

[Satu]

Why can't a big, strong, handsome guy like you, not just laugh at a comment like that?

 

You should.

[toscaroscura]

I got a scab on my lip from picking at a pimple, and my girlfriend said i was "ugly for now" and that surprised me and now im feeling insecure about it. Im just wondering wether to let this slide, and ignore it, or take it up with her. She is one of those girls who thinks being insecure over something like what she said is not okay and would say im making a big deal out of it so that is why i havent told her about it. I guess im not comfortable bringing up any issues because she always acts that way about it. I do think she loves me though. Im conflicted over what i should do because in a way it isnt a big deal but at the same time, i would never say that to her, and based on how she says i make her feel good about herself, im building her up, and she is breaking me down.

 

-mc117

 

Like my responses in the other thread with the similar title, I'm not a fan of shaming or insulting our partner's bodies. For her to put you down and try to hurt you, then claim it's your problem that you got hurt, shows that she's a bully that doesn't care about your feelings.

 

To put it in perspective, if I ever said anything that hurt my partner in any way, I would immediately apologize. It doesn't matter whether I think he's being silly, or whether I meant it, or whether I think I'm "right", etc. I love him, I hurt him, I apologize and make things right and make my best effort not to do it again. Because I care about his feelings.

[mc117]

I was thinking that too, but i just couldnt.

[Satu]

I was thinking that too, but i just couldnt.

 

If you're really not happy about it, you should make your displeasure known. You have a voice, so use it.

[mc117]

Like my responses in the other thread with the similar title, I'm not a fan of shaming or insulting our partner's bodies. For her to put you down and try to hurt you, then claim it's your problem that you got hurt, shows that she's a bully that doesn't care about your feelings.

 

To put it in perspective, if I ever said anything that hurt my partner in any way, I would immediately apologize. It doesn't matter whether I think he's being silly, or whether I meant it, or whether I think I'm "right", etc. I love him, I hurt him, I apologize and make things right and make my best effort not to do it again. Because I care about his feelings.

 

 

I agree with you, and i admit i have thought of her as a bully, and that she doesnt care about my feelings. Especially when i bring up an issue and she says im assuming things and making a big deal out of nothing. I cant tell if the love is real or not anymore. I have read your other posts and i agree with your ideas.

[mc117]

If you're really not happy about it, you should make your displeasure known. You have a voice, so use it.

 

I do have a voice, and i will use it.

[Danda]

I got a scab on my lip from picking at a pimple, and my girlfriend said i was "ugly for now" and that surprised me and now im feeling insecure about it. Im just wondering wether to let this slide, and ignore it, or take it up with her. She is one of those girls who thinks being insecure over something like what she said is not okay and would say im making a big deal out of it so that is why i havent told her about it. I guess im not comfortable bringing up any issues because she always acts that way about it. I do think she loves me though. Im conflicted over what i should do because in a way it isnt a big deal but at the same time, i would never say that to her, and based on how she says i make her feel good about herself, im building her up, and she is breaking me down.

 

I'm a context person. I don't really have any comment on the whole lip-scab thing by itself, because the context would make a difference. But you've given the context and that's what my brain hones in on. Getting the impression she makes little "joking" put downs regularly? And then shames you if you feel upset? To the point that you hesitate to even voice your feelings.

 

That's just straight up toxic. It's not a misunderstanding in a situation, or an incident on an off day. It's a systematic method of, like you said, breaking you down, putting you in your place and 'teaching' you to keep your feelings to yourself.

 

It's also a very common tactics among malignant narcissists, to provoke you, play the plausible deniability card (i.e. they were just joking, you took it the wrong, etc) and then shame you for your feelings. Rinse and repeat until they've broken you in and you're used to it.

 

I wouldn't stick around for that type of treatment, personally.

[BeholdtheMan]

I would brush it off

 

I'm pretty objective about how attractive I am and I don't let other people's comments affect my self-image.

 

 

That said, what she said was somewhat disrespectful. In the future, I would simply treat her feelings the way she treats mine. If she can't handle equal treatment, to the curb with her

[mc117]

I'm a context person. I don't really have any comment on the whole lip-scab thing by itself, because the context would make a difference. But you've given the context and that's what my brain hones in on. Getting the impression she makes little "joking" put downs regularly? And then shames you if you feel upset? To the point that you hesitate to even voice your feelings.

 

That's just straight up toxic. It's not a misunderstanding in a situation, or an incident on an off day. It's a systematic method of, like you said, breaking you down, putting you in your place and 'teaching' you to keep your feelings to yourself.

 

It's also a very common tactics among malignant narcissists, to provoke you, play the plausible deniability card (i.e. they were just joking, you took it the wrong, etc) and then shame you for your feelings. Rinse and repeat until they've broken you in and you're used to it.

 

I wouldn't stick around for that type of treatment, personally.

 

thats actually extremely accurate, and i have thought she has narcissistic tendencies. she does do joke put downs. Yesterday this was kinda stupid and funny, and horrible too, but basically i asked her if she wanted to get something to eat from a burger place nearby, and i had 20$, and i made a joke as we were leaving, that i only have enough money for one person, and she was like "cheeseburgers dont cost 20$" and i was like "yea they do" (i have a sarcastic sense of humor) and so she actually got upset by that joke and said that if i was worried about spending money, we wouldnt go, so she went back inside to the living room and i just sat down in the kitchen because i was kinda shocked by how she acted, and i just sat there alone because i dont want to talk to her about it because of how she acts. eventually she got it out of me that i was just joking and eventually ahe got over it and we made up.

[mc117]

I would brush it off

 

I'm pretty objective about how attractive I am and I don't let other people's comments affect my self-image.

 

 

That said, what she said was somewhat disrespectful. In the future, I would simply treat her feelings the way she treats mine. If she can't handle equal treatment, to the curb with her

 

I agree, i will try to brush off her disrespectful comment.

[Danda]

thats actually extremely accurate, and i have thought she has narcissistic tendencies. she does do joke put downs. Yesterday this was kinda stupid and funny, and horrible too, but basically i asked her if she wanted to get something to eat from a burger place nearby, and i had 20$, and i made a joke as we were leaving, that i only have enough money for one person, and she was like "cheeseburgers dont cost 20$" and i was like "yea they do" (i have a sarcastic sense of humor) and so she actually got upset by that joke and said that if i was worried about spending money, we wouldnt go, so she went back inside to the living room and i just sat down in the kitchen because i was kinda shocked by how she acted, and i just sat there alone because i dont want to talk to her about it because of how she acts. eventually she got it out of me that i was just joking and eventually ahe got over it and we made up.

 

Well I don't mean this in a mean way, just a straight up way, but far more often than not, dysfunction attracts dysfunction. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that you know how to push her buttons as well as she knows how to push yours, and that the two of you push each others' buttons on a regular basis. Why not just break it off and find someone with whom there isn't so much walking-on-eggshells? Why stay? Why play the game? Are you hooked on it? You don't have to answer me or anyone else, but you should probably answer yourself honestly when it comes to these questions.

 

I would brush it off

 

I'm pretty objective about how attractive I am and I don't let other people's comments affect my self-image.

 

 

That said, what she said was somewhat disrespectful. In the future, I would simply treat her feelings the way she treats mine. If she can't handle equal treatment, to the curb with her

 

This is what I mean. It's a game that a lot of people get hooked into, tit-for-tat style, trying to one-up your partner while they try to one-up you, etc. Takes two to tango.

 

Playing tit-for-tat games is not "brushing it off". And neither brushing it off nor playing the game are healthy approaches. If she disrespects you a lot, leave. If you stay, then you're willingly playing the game, which means some part of you is dysfunctional, too.

[Toodaloo]

I got a scab on my lip from picking at a pimple, and my girlfriend said i was "ugly for now"

 

Bit childish and silly to say something like that.

 

God I love squeezing zits - I hope you got that sucker good!!!

 

Reading your comments she doesn't sound very nice. A small scab from squeezing a zit does not make someone ugly. Its such a small none event thing its barely worth mention.

 

To be blunt it doesn't sound as though you two suit each other. While some of her comments are cutting you also shouldn't feel so down about them.

 

You sound young. Learn now that any woman who treats you with such disrespect is not a good thing. Taking the piddle out of someone when they have done something daft should not result in direct name calling. There is a difference between "you are an idiot" and "you can be such an idiot sometimes".

 

It all sounds a bit like over drama over none events... Thats not a fun thing to be around... Your young - you should be debating whether a film was good or not, which football team is better stuff like that then agreeing to disagree and getting on with life and having fun. Not sulking over burgers and squeezing the odd zit.

 

Good luck.