A situation I'm sure everyone here can relate to - but I could REALLY use thinking on

[TMMcNulty]

Hey everyone

 

I was basically moved to joining this forum because of the situation I'm in, which has me so wrapped up I find myself thinking about all the time and unable to work or do anything else (I really didn't think I'd have that type of response to love for a man in my early 30s but hey).

 

Basically, there's this girl I know through a work agency (so I don't directly work with her) and she'd always been quite nice and friendly and we got on well. I really liked her and got a sense she had something for me, but I knew she'd had a boyfriend recently so didn't want to make an ass of myself after we met properly at a function in June.

 

In late November, we randomly had to contact each other about something, but basically stayed in contact, sending each other long messages every day. This wasn't just idle chit chat or small talk. We kept kind of volunteering personal info about each other. Anyway, eventually I worked up the courage to ask her did she want to go for a drink. She said yes... but it just so happened I asked on the day she was going home (which is abroad) for Christmas for three weeks, to use up her work holidays.

 

I was delighted she said yes initially, but also kind of worried it would fizzle out over Christmas as we hadn't actually seen each other, plus being at home and that can obviously change feelings etc.

That was precisely what happened: it fizzled out a bit.

There was the odd contact between us, including a message on Xmas day, but nothing much else.

In order to rekindle things, today, knowing she was back, I asked was she free for a drink this week.

 

She said yes, again, with a big exclamation mark...

... but then goes: "Just want to be honest though. I'm recently out of a relationship so not really looking for anything like that now. Just want to be up front but it might be fun to meet up so I can if you want to."

 

Now, the old "recently out of a relationship" line set off a klaxon for me but, to be fair, it is actually true (having asked people who know her and stalked her facebook!) she was in a relationship recently and she seems a genuine girl.

 

I responded saying that's fair enough, and that obviously I think she's attractive (implying I intended any meeting to be romantic) but could be fun to go for a drink, so it's up to her... and I made clear to say "it's up to you" to basically put ball in her court, knowing how I felt. She said yes again and set a date for next week, saying we could have fun.

 

Now, a few things here, although my immediate gut instinct (which is odd for me because I'm not usually this self-confident) is that - regardless of whether she sees it as a date or just a hang-out) I should give myself a chance of winning her over, and I reckon I might be able to woo her if we met one on one.

I also think I'd regret not trying.

I genuinely think we could click, especially since we'd finally be alone (and, ahem, I've got very athletically fit since we last saw face to face, and have lost two stone since the chubbier chap I was when we last met!)

 

Is this wishful thinking? Should I just cut my losses, and prevent the danger of getting into some kind of bizarre friend zone?

Does it sound like she has feelings for me... or does she just see me as a potential friend?

Is the "out of a relationship" line a let-you-down-easy excuse... or is it genuine and, while still feeling the after-effects of the relationship, is it possible she's still intrigued by meeting one on one and seeing how it goes?

 

Again, my gut is to see if I can woo her once (and, rest assured, I'll be aiming for a kiss at the end of the night)... but I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm infatuated with a girl that doesn't see me as much more?

 

This is really wrecking my head so any help would be much appreciated!

I realise this is a long, and probably boring (!) post but, jesus, I can't get it out of my head.

Basically: I really like her.

 

TO BOIL IT DOWN: my conflict is this...

I don't want to be just some pity hang-out she feels she has to go on because she rejected me... BUT

at same time, would that not be giving up and rather childish to just think that's it? Should I not give me - and, potentially, us - the chance to see if something does happen, if there is a spark?

Edited January 6, 2015 by TMMcNulty
Make sentences clearer

[Anderlie]

I don't see why you can't give it a go. You sound like you've been above board and haven't pushed and she's been honest as well. If you meet up and it stirs feelings you're not sure you will get to act upon then you can always back off. At the very least you're checking in and being a good friend which is admirable.

[Danda]

I also vote to give it a go, but if after hanging out a few times (dates or not) she doesn't seem to have warmed up more to you at all, as in zero increase, then you should probably pull back a bit but still be cordial if she reaches out to you.

 

I get the impression from what you say (and your impression) that she is just being honest with you, which means that

 

(A) She is not ready for new romance right now.

(B) She is not ready for new romance right now.

 

Feelin me? In other words she hasn't rejected you, and she did not have a negative or deflecting reaction to you saying that you find her attractive. It could be that you will just need to go veeeerrrrry slow with her because the gal needs time to heal and move on, and thus make sure that you're not just a rebound to her if the two of you do eventually get together.

 

Also make sure you understand deep down that if she sleeps with you, that doesn't mean she's interested in something serious. It could still just be her having fun. But since she already seems like such a straight up communicator, you should be able to ask her how she feels about you if sex does show up on the table and get an honest answer.

 

She might not (and probably won't) display romantic interest you after a few 'dates' but if she seems to warm up to you regardless of lack of a romantic edge to it, then there is potential there.

 

At the same time, as the 'dates' go by, you need to determine if you think she is worth the more drawn-out process due to the recent break up in her life.

[TMMcNulty]

OK, thanks for that guys - that's pretty much what I'm thinking.

 

My initial reaction when she said "I recently got out of a relationship" was just to go "F**k this" because it sounds like such a typical line but, once I thought about it, and she responded to my response... I was a bit more intrigued again.

 

That "relationship" response was a bit of a blow, given I thought we had been building up and there was definite interest... but I don't see harm in seeing how it goes.

 

Gah - these things are so confusing though!

[Ieris]

I actually think it's good that she was honest about coming out of a relationship, she could have strung you along while thinking about her the whole time. It does take some time to get over someone, if you really like her then just take it slow and see where it goes. Better she gets over it and start something with you on a clean slate rather than dragging baggage from past relationships into it.

 

Hope things work out for you x

[JuneJulySeptember]

My thinking is that you are way too wrapped up in this woman.

 

You're saying stuff like "you can't work" and "you can't stop thinking about her" and etc, etc.

 

I mean whatever happens with what she does should be inconsequential until you at least get a kiss from her or make out. It sounds crude but it really isn't. You should never invest a cent in someone who is not attracted to you and you know it.

[TMMcNulty]

@JuneJulySeptember

 

I totally get that, but this is the point. There had been enough to make it seem like it was worth investing in. That's why, if there's a chance of maybe making something happen through meeting up one on one, I feel it's at least worth giving it a go. After that, I'll see. Who knows, I may also go off her!