aretherford Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Hey all, I'm new to this but need advice. I am 23 with two kids and married. My husband is 30. I've been really considering divorce but I'm terrified of how he'll react. He isn't abusive...or maybe he is...I don't really know. We've been married two years and he's been a great dad and provider but he has control issues. He has never wanted me to work (for fear I'll meet people), he'll go through my phone/FB, he doesn't like me going out with my best friend or my mom, will call/text repeatedly and get upset when I don't respond right away, etc. he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset and make me feel so guilty I end up caving. I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no but I can't really tell if he is doing it on purpose or not. When I get the courage to stand up he will burst into tears and self deprecate for days which just makes me feel worse. I have always struggled with major depression but lately it has gotten so bad I dont want to get out of bed, eat, or anything. I just live each day waiting for it to end and repeat. He doesn't understand my depression and blames himself and makes it all about him which doesn't help so I just don't talk. I feel like I can't even open up to him without him turning it on himself. I feel so trapped. Last week I finally got the courage to tell him I needed space and for him to stay with his parents for a while. He reluctantly complied but came over everyday for hours and sit there crying saying how he misses me and can't handle being away from me. I just wanted breathing room and to figure who I al because I am 23 and living my life in accordance to making my husband happy. I have always been independent and really enjoy alone time but he can't so he relies on me to sustain his happiness. He ended up coming to me last night saying he's changed and realizes the damage he's done that he'll be different and never let me go and also said that he'd needed to be back home for the girls and that him staying at his parents would damage them. He full on guilted me even though he never really gave me what I needed. Ever since last night I've been in a constant panic attack and can't breathe. I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to end my marriage? Please help.
LoveMyCat Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Hey all, I'm new to this but need advice. I am 23 with two kids and married. My husband is 30. I've been really considering divorce but I'm terrified of how he'll react. He isn't abusive...or maybe he is...I don't really know. We've been married two years and he's been a great dad and provider but he has control issues. He has never wanted me to work (for fear I'll meet people), he'll go through my phone/FB, he doesn't like me going out with my best friend or my mom, will call/text repeatedly and get upset when I don't respond right away, etc. he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset and make me feel so guilty I end up caving. I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no but I can't really tell if he is doing it on purpose or not. When I get the courage to stand up he will burst into tears and self deprecate for days which just makes me feel worse. I have always struggled with major depression but lately it has gotten so bad I dont want to get out of bed, eat, or anything. I just live each day waiting for it to end and repeat. He doesn't understand my depression and blames himself and makes it all about him which doesn't help so I just don't talk. I feel like I can't even open up to him without him turning it on himself. I feel so trapped. Last week I finally got the courage to tell him I needed space and for him to stay with his parents for a while. He reluctantly complied but came over everyday for hours and sit there crying saying how he misses me and can't handle being away from me. I just wanted breathing room and to figure who I al because I am 23 and living my life in accordance to making my husband happy. I have always been independent and really enjoy alone time but he can't so he relies on me to sustain his happiness. He ended up coming to me last night saying he's changed and realizes the damage he's done that he'll be different and never let me go and also said that he'd needed to be back home for the girls and that him staying at his parents would damage them. He full on guilted me even though he never really gave me what I needed. Ever since last night I've been in a constant panic attack and can't breathe. I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to end my marriage? Please help. He is emotionally abusing you, which can make you feel just as bad as physical abuse. He is isolating you from friends and family in order to control you. He is showing he has trust issues. Sounds like he has issues and is probably too immature to be in an adult relationship. The guilt trips are the worst, but somehow, you need to take care of you, and your kids. You should probably talk to a counselor, something who helps abused women, as well as an attorney. There are free services out there for both. They can help you make a plan. It may not be easy, but better now while you are young, than after years of this, when he will have likely beaten down your morale and self-esteem. Maybe he really is sorry, and does feel bad at times, but that is of no use to you if he keeps on doing it. Good luck. I just moved out three weeks ago, after twenty years of marriage. My husband had developed distrust/paranoia in recent years, accusing me of crazy stuff with no basis, and I just refuse to live my life that way. So far...so good. It is never easy but you only get one life...good luck. 2
tobrieornottobrie Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I'm so sorry that you are facing all of this. It sounds like you're dealing with a really difficult situation. Would your husband be open to finding a counselor or therapist? Have you asked him about marital and/or individual counseling? It may prove really helpful to have a professional to talk to as both of you are trying to navigate this situation. Wishing you the best of luck! the brie's cheese knees 1
Author aretherford Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 We've consider counseling. When school starts back up I am going to take advantage of their mental health services. The problem is I know he will do what he thinks is best as far as change goes but I feel like the damage has already been done. Like I still fear he will get upset at me for going to bed too early or hanging out with my BF or my mom, going through my stuff and everything else. Like I still live in a state of walking on egggshells. Also he has been home a whole day and has barely left my side aother than work. Plus he still calls/texts often during the workday, increasing if I don't respknd fast enough
preraph Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Please contact a local women's shelter and make an appointment with them to get advice how to best proceed. They know how to do it the safest way. He will no doubt be volatile. It may take you a year to get things together to make a clean getaway. But talk to them and get their support. If you are not near a town with women's shelters, google the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The very first thing you need to do is get your own phone that he doesn't know about because most controllers will be monitoring your phone so they can stay a step ahead of you. Go get one that's prepaid so you can buy a card at the store to keep minutes in it and not have a bill come to the home. You can't get away if he knows everyone and everything you're contacting . So first get your own private phone. Even if he didn't buy your phone for you, it only takes 2 minutes alone with it for him to fix it where he can track you. He may also have a tracker on your computer and your car. Get help and listen to them. Be thinking about where you could stay that he couldn't find you. Be prepared not to tell anyone where you're going because he will go to them to find you. Get help because there are many ways to mess this up. 2
Ralph79 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Artherford: Some advice based on what you typed, and feel free to correct me if I misinterpreted some of your story details: "I've been really considering divorce but I'm terrified of how he'll react.". Tip #1: Don't assume anything. Nobody takes divorce likely, but holding back for fear of what a person might to to you or to himself is no way to live your life. Do what you must and take steps to ensure your safety and his. Talk to people you trust who either protect you or console him. You don't seem to convey that your husband is the type of person to inflict physical harm on you, so I will assume you are afraid of the emotional backlash this will have for all of you. Like I said, plan ahead if you've already set on leaving. "He isn't abusive...or maybe he is...I don't really know" Tip #2: Don't overthink things. Don't predispose yourself to ideas either. We can't tell you weather or not he's abusive. Only you know. He either is, or he isn't. Aside from being obnoxious and overbearingly possessive, does he really physically or financially deny you things? Or does he simply guilt-trip you into not doing them? "I don't really know. We've been married two years and he's been a great dad and provider but he has control issues. He has never wanted me to work (for fear I'll meet people)" Tip #3: This is more of a question than a tip actually but, Is it possible the real reason he does not want you to work is because he's providing for both the whole family and would like you to be a stay at home mom for the sake of your kids? Who would take care of them if both of you are out working? Just curious. Not being judgmental. The more info we have, the more accurate advice we can give you. "he'll go through my phone/FB, he doesn't like me going out with my best friend or my mom, will call/text repeatedly and get upset when I don't respond right away, etc. he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset and make me feel so guilty I end up caving. " Tip #4: This is the main issue on your post. He doesn't respect your privacy. He doesn't like you talking to friends, or your mom. He won't get MAD about it, but he'll get "upset", which I assume means, he doesn't like it. This is where you need to draw the line. I wouldn't call this a marriage-breaking issue. But this is where you need to make a stand and demand change. You have the upper hand, he wants you in the relationship, and he can't keep you in it without your consent. So if he doesn't yield to your conditions then move back with your parents or a relative. Take from him what he values most, you. "I have always struggled with major depression but lately it has gotten so bad I dont want to get out of bed, eat, or anything. I just live each day waiting for it to end and repeat." Tip #5: Very important. Search your feelings. I was married for 4 years, and my wife left me after she confessed she only married me because she knew my family was rich and I was going to get an inheritance once my sick father passed away. When I renounced my part of the inheritance so that my mom would keep all of my dad's valuables, my wife reluctantly said it was the right thing to do. She never cooked for me, never got up before 2pm, and only got up to read pinterest, facebook, and play 3ds. I would take her out to diner everyday, and a lot of people would ask me, "is she on drugs?". Truth was, she never loved me, and our relationship was the source of her depression. I was too in-love with her to see that, and the hardest thing I ever did was to let her go, but I managed. I still miss the person she pretended to be when I fell in love, but I have moved on, I have ignored her emails and her attempts to contact me for 2 years now. You could be depressed because you no longer love him, or you could have a medical condition that is affecting your thought process. You have kids after all, it's not like it's just you and him. " I just wanted breathing room and to figure who I al because I am 23 and living my life in accordance to making my husband happy. I have always been independent and really enjoy alone time but he can't so he relies on me to sustain his happiness." Question #1: What about your kids? Where do they fit into your alone time? You are a mother now. Unless you have babysitters or your kids are at school, you really don't have that luxury right now. Yes you deserve to be happy, kids or no kids, but you have an obligation to them. I didn't see showing any concern for them throughout your posts. Correct me if I'm wrong please. Quick things to point out: "We've consider counseling.": That's great. Do it. Don't just talk about it. "When school starts back up I am going to take advantage of their mental health services": You think he doesn't want you to work for fear of meeting people, yet he lets you go to school (and I assume pays for expenses?). Is that right? Lastly I agree with posters who said get a phone. Put a password on it, and tell him you need your privacy because you need to discuss issues you have with him with people you trust that are non of his business. You are entitled to that. Remember to search your feelings and to be honest with yourself.
LoveMyCat Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Artherford: Some advice based on what you typed, and feel free to correct me if I misinterpreted some of your story details: "I've been really considering divorce but I'm terrified of how he'll react.". Tip #1: Don't assume anything. Nobody takes divorce likely, but holding back for fear of what a person might to to you or to himself is no way to live your life. Do what you must and take steps to ensure your safety and his. Talk to people you trust who either protect you or console him. You don't seem to convey that your husband is the type of person to inflict physical harm on you, so I will assume you are afraid of the emotional backlash this will have for all of you. Like I said, plan ahead if you've already set on leaving. "He isn't abusive...or maybe he is...I don't really know" Tip #2: Don't overthink things. Don't predispose yourself to ideas either. We can't tell you weather or not he's abusive. Only you know. He either is, or he isn't. Aside from being obnoxious and overbearingly possessive, does he really physically or financially deny you things? Or does he simply guilt-trip you into not doing them? "I don't really know. We've been married two years and he's been a great dad and provider but he has control issues. He has never wanted me to work (for fear I'll meet people)" Tip #3: This is more of a question than a tip actually but, Is it possible the real reason he does not want you to work is because he's providing for both the whole family and would like you to be a stay at home mom for the sake of your kids? Who would take care of them if both of you are out working? Just curious. Not being judgmental. The more info we have, the more accurate advice we can give you. "he'll go through my phone/FB, he doesn't like me going out with my best friend or my mom, will call/text repeatedly and get upset when I don't respond right away, etc. he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset and make me feel so guilty I end up caving. " Tip #4: This is the main issue on your post. He doesn't respect your privacy. He doesn't like you talking to friends, or your mom. He won't get MAD about it, but he'll get "upset", which I assume means, he doesn't like it. This is where you need to draw the line. I wouldn't call this a marriage-breaking issue. But this is where you need to make a stand and demand change. You have the upper hand, he wants you in the relationship, and he can't keep you in it without your consent. So if he doesn't yield to your conditions then move back with your parents or a relative. Take from him what he values most, you. "I have always struggled with major depression but lately it has gotten so bad I dont want to get out of bed, eat, or anything. I just live each day waiting for it to end and repeat." Tip #5: Very important. Search your feelings. I was married for 4 years, and my wife left me after she confessed she only married me because she knew my family was rich and I was going to get an inheritance once my sick father passed away. When I renounced my part of the inheritance so that my mom would keep all of my dad's valuables, my wife reluctantly said it was the right thing to do. She never cooked for me, never got up before 2pm, and only got up to read pinterest, facebook, and play 3ds. I would take her out to diner everyday, and a lot of people would ask me, "is she on drugs?". Truth was, she never loved me, and our relationship was the source of her depression. I was too in-love with her to see that, and the hardest thing I ever did was to let her go, but I managed. I still miss the person she pretended to be when I fell in love, but I have moved on, I have ignored her emails and her attempts to contact me for 2 years now. You could be depressed because you no longer love him, or you could have a medical condition that is affecting your thought process. You have kids after all, it's not like it's just you and him. " I just wanted breathing room and to figure who I al because I am 23 and living my life in accordance to making my husband happy. I have always been independent and really enjoy alone time but he can't so he relies on me to sustain his happiness." Question #1: What about your kids? Where do they fit into your alone time? You are a mother now. Unless you have babysitters or your kids are at school, you really don't have that luxury right now. Yes you deserve to be happy, kids or no kids, but you have an obligation to them. I didn't see showing any concern for them throughout your posts. Correct me if I'm wrong please. Quick things to point out: "We've consider counseling.": That's great. Do it. Don't just talk about it. "When school starts back up I am going to take advantage of their mental health services": You think he doesn't want you to work for fear of meeting people, yet he lets you go to school (and I assume pays for expenses?). Is that right? Lastly I agree with posters who said get a phone. Put a password on it, and tell him you need your privacy because you need to discuss issues you have with him with people you trust that are non of his business. You are entitled to that. Remember to search your feelings and to be honest with yourself. I don't think it is a good idea to let him know, if she is able to obtain a "private" phone. Women are in the most danger in the period leading up to trying to leave a relationship,according to many domestic violence studies, shows, etc. and just because a spouse has not been physically violent yet, does not mean he won't be...especially if he learns she is trying to get out. If he is so freaked out about her talking to friends or family, the idea that she has a secret phone may send him over the edge. I would be careful...and call or visit a domestic abuse expert/counselor as soon as you can.
Satu Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 You aren't his wife. Wife was what you signed up for, but now you're his prisoner. He definitely needs therapy.
Ralph79 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 I agree that this guy has serious insecurity issues. And based on what is said, a control freak. I don't see any indication that he could turn violent though. Not only is he the father of her children, but she called him a good provider. That being said he's very manipulative. The line that throws me off is "he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset". Again, aside from the annoying invasion of privacy, and the excessive guilt-trip issues when she needs to do something he doesn't approve of, I can't find anything on the OP's posts that the guy has violent tendencies. And I agree with Satu. People in marriages sometimes tend to take their partners for granted, and act as if the other party has to stay in the relationship simply because you are married. Being married doesn't mean you have to stop wooing your partner. This guy seems to have forgotten that. 1
pteromom Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 We've consider counseling. When school starts back up I am going to take advantage of their mental health services. The problem is I know he will do what he thinks is best as far as change goes but I feel like the damage has already been done. Like I still fear he will get upset at me for going to bed too early or hanging out with my BF or my mom, going through my stuff and everything else. Like I still live in a state of walking on egggshells There are two sides to this stuff though. Part of it is him being controlling, and the other is you allowing yourself to be controlled. You can learn, even if he gets upset for you going to bed too early, to just not care if he is upset (I mean that in a healthy way). You can learn to do what you want and not let his issues become your issues. When he sees it isn't working anymore, then one of two things will happen. He'll ramp it up and become worse - then you can end it for good. Or he'll give up on being controlling and possibly work with you to make things better. The only way to know is to try. I would recommend individual as well as joint counseling for both of you. His goal will be letting go of control and accepting you as you are. Your goal will be learning to stand up for yourself and be true to yourself. Just try. And worry about the what-ifs when they come.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Hey all, I'm new to this but need advice. I am 23 with two kids and married. My husband is 30. I've been really considering divorce but I'm terrified of how he'll react. He isn't abusive...or maybe he is...I don't really know. We've been married two years and he's been a great dad and provider but he has control issues. He has never wanted me to work (for fear I'll meet people), he'll go through my phone/FB, he doesn't like me going out with my best friend or my mom, will call/text repeatedly and get upset when I don't respond right away, etc. he doesn't necessarily get mad but he will get upset and make me feel so guilty I end up caving. I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no but I can't really tell if he is doing it on purpose or not. When I get the courage to stand up he will burst into tears and self deprecate for days which just makes me feel worse. I have always struggled with major depression but lately it has gotten so bad I dont want to get out of bed, eat, or anything. I just live each day waiting for it to end and repeat. He doesn't understand my depression and blames himself and makes it all about him which doesn't help so I just don't talk. I feel like I can't even open up to him without him turning it on himself. I feel so trapped. Last week I finally got the courage to tell him I needed space and for him to stay with his parents for a while. He reluctantly complied but came over everyday for hours and sit there crying saying how he misses me and can't handle being away from me. I just wanted breathing room and to figure who I al because I am 23 and living my life in accordance to making my husband happy. I have always been independent and really enjoy alone time but he can't so he relies on me to sustain his happiness. He ended up coming to me last night saying he's changed and realizes the damage he's done that he'll be different and never let me go and also said that he'd needed to be back home for the girls and that him staying at his parents would damage them. He full on guilted me even though he never really gave me what I needed. Ever since last night I've been in a constant panic attack and can't breathe. I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to end my marriage? Please help. OK, pretend that you have a handful of controllable diseases/maladies for which you take medication, and stay fairly steady in a normal life/routine... and then, one day you start to display a very significant symptom... which is very prominent, and painful/hard-to-live-with... and you visit doctor after doctor, with each unable to diagnose you or help you feel better. Well most anybody would give strong consideration to the thought that all of those other medications and maladies are perhaps obscuring the specifics of this big, new mysterious problem, rendering it unsolvable by the medical professionals that you have seen. Well in your case, your "major depression" is the big, central focus here (or, rather, it needs to be...) and your husband and all of his selfish little personality traits, and his controlling ways... are the outside factors which hinder you being able to properly address your depression. You need to remove yourself from his environment, abruptly and fully, for no greater reason than the need to focus directly and completely on your depression. If your husband can't figure out that much, then you should divorce him immediately (and no matter what stupid blubbering he does to try to put himself back in your environment). C'mon, please get serious about your own well-being.
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