girlygirlgames Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 My bf of 1 year dumped me right before our anniversary. Our relationship was nearly perfect at first (amazing chemistry, had the best time together, fun dates), and for the last 4 months ish we had been arguing quite a bit. We are both poor communicators (I am afraid of confrontation), he is passive aggressive. Main problems were: - He was watching too much porn at one point and had some ED issues. It left me feeling insecure. - He felt I was not giving him his freedom. (I could feel him being less interested the last few months and I showed some neediness). - During fights I would cry, he would not comfort me, he would go out all night, act like a selfish prick any time I brought up an issue. - He constantly turned to messaging girls on fb, logging back onto tinder etc every time we took a mini break - Felt I caused too much 'drama' and would be a hindrance to him achieving his goals in life. I kept catching him in little lies.....naturally I would get upset! He denies and dismisses everything. He dumped me and then became instantly cold. I keep trying to go NC but keep going about 10 days then give in and we act nice for 1 minute then get into another texting argument which I'm sure pushes him further away. We originally broke up over 2 months ago and he just told me he has 'been with' someone else now. It broke my heart. He shows very little emotion...I am so confused, where was the man that was so loving and caring? He is just downright COLD and purposely CRUEL now with the things he says and how he rubs in he is "done" with me, saying it repeatedly etc. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Dontfindme Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 That man who was "loving" and "caring" only existed while he was courting you - he disappeared when the thrill, and the newness of it all wore off. This dude sounds like a first class douch*bag. Why are you even lamenting losing him? You shouldn't. He didn't respect you in the least bit. Go NC - not for 10 days this time, but for good. 3
headinthecloud Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. And no, you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's immature and disrespectful. I don't know how old you are but someone who loved you would never be so hurtful. His behaviour is terrible and passive aggression is still aggression so it sounds like he has some anger management issues. He did you a favor. At least you didn't waste years with him. A poor communicator often makes for a poor relationship so my suggestion is for you to take this time to get in touch with who you are and be comfortable telling people how you feel. Communication is the key to building a successful life in all relationships (RS). Work on building your self confidence and self esteem before considering another RS. You will get through this. Just remember to love yourself.
Elle1975 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 That man who was "loving" and "caring" only existed while he was courting you - he disappeared when the thrill, and the newness of it all wore off. This dude sounds like a first class douch*bag. What's said in this reply is what I was thinking as I was reading your post. Nothing lost really. Who wants to date some guy who keeps messaging other girls and spends his time watching porn? 4
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your response. We are both 31, so no longer teenagers. I had been hurt previous to this and what made me fall for him was how he took the time to get to know me and was patient (in the beginning). He took me to Paris for my birthday in late September and we had the best time ever. I had told him I've always wanted to go there one day with hopefully my husband. A few weeks after we came back is when he just got fed up after a silly argument and dumped me. I keep looking back at emails and our pictures of not too long ago and him professing his love etc, and that is what makes me keep breaking NC. It was like 2 totally different people. I will admit to becoming a very angry person near the end. I was verbally abusive to him during arguments but more so because of his COLD SILENCE. It's almost like nothing phased him so I kept pushing...immature I know but I felt so alone in my thoughts. The day he dumped me, he deleted me off fb, all our pics, and a few days afterwards some girl liked a photo of his and said something about 'thanks for helping me out with the biz ideas ". I never mentioned it but I wonder if he set up his next girl and that is what made dumping me and moving on so easy for him. I feel stuck. Numb. Too ashamed to talk to anybody. Edited January 6, 2015 by girlygirlgames
Jimmyjackson Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He's gone cold because he's trying to help you move on by not comforting you and speaking to you. You need to learn to live without him, my ex did this and at first I thought how does someone just turn into a stranger, but I realised they were doing it for my own good. Read all the forums on here with people getting breadcrumbs from their exes, be thankful yours is letting you go without giving you any hope 2
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Why are you even lamenting losing him? You shouldn't. He didn't respect you in the least bit. Go NC - not for 10 days this time, but for good. It's hard because it happened so fast. One day he was loving and sweet, and next I was dumped. He did come to me when he felt like I was not letting him freely spend time with his friends etc but I would mention that all I wanted was a little bit of special time for "us" and I could care less what he does. He never got this.
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 What's said in this reply is what I was thinking as I was reading your post. Nothing lost really. Who wants to date some guy who keeps messaging other girls and spends his time watching porn? I thought all men watched it, never thought of it as a big deal really...but then I found myself feeling very insecure. I felt like I wanted sex more than he did. Or that he wasn't very sexually aggressive with me. I take good care of myself, I am 5'3, 95 lbs, big boobs,long hair, good skin, smart, funny, love to cook, bake, adventurous, affectionate, nurturing...never had a problem getting male attention. But when I'm with someone I ONLY care about his attention. I don't need the extra validation from strangers. He LIKED IT....
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 He's gone cold because he's trying to help you move on by not comforting you and speaking to you. You need to learn to live without him, my ex did this and at first I thought how does someone just turn into a stranger, but I realised they were doing it for my own good. Read all the forums on here with people getting breadcrumbs from their exes, be thankful yours is letting you go without giving you any hope I asked him if he was making dinner for someone and that's when he replied with "I'm not dating anyone but yes I have been with someone after our breakup." He loves to pour salt in the wounds, I can't imagine doing this to anybody I ever loved, it's so hard for me to understand why he would act this way. Is he really completely finished with me? He goes back and forth with reminiscing good times and then we end up arguing which ruins it. He told me the other day at one point he felt too that we were soulmates. We had the best time when we were together. When we were apart I would overthink a lot and create a lot of drama which I guess he got fed up with.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It's hard because it happened so fast. One day he was loving and sweet, and next I was dumped. He did come to me when he felt like I was not letting him freely spend time with his friends etc but I would mention that all I wanted was a little bit of special time for "us" and I could care less what he does. He never got this. It's real when it's consistent. Nice and sweet that turns into insensitive and mean, it isn't genuine. Who he really is to the core isn't nice and sweet. Guys "nice and sweet" you when they want to entice and secure you. Then when they're bored and done, the true self comes through -- insensitive and mean. Focus on who he is now, not who he was then because chances are it was a facade. Why do you keep going back to someone that treats you badly? And why do you keep accepting contact when all he does is tear you down? 4
Dontfindme Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Thank you for your response. We are both 31, so no longer teenagers. I had been hurt previous to this and what made me fall for him was how he took the time to get to know me and was patient (in the beginning). He took me to Paris for my birthday in late September and we had the best time ever. I had told him I've always wanted to go there one day with hopefully my husband. A few weeks after we came back is when he just got fed up after a silly argument and dumped me. I keep looking back at emails and our pictures of not too long ago and him professing his love etc, and that is what makes me keep breaking NC. It was like 2 totally different people. I will admit to becoming a very angry person near the end. I was verbally abusive to him during arguments but more so because of his COLD SILENCE. It's almost like nothing phased him so I kept pushing...immature I know but I felt so alone in my thoughts. The day he dumped me, he deleted me off fb, all our pics, and a few days afterwards some girl liked a photo of his and said something about 'thanks for helping me out with the biz ideas ". I never mentioned it but I wonder if he set up his next girl and that is what made dumping me and moving on so easy for him. I feel stuck. Numb. Too ashamed to talk to anybody. Put the photos away on a flashdrive, and get them off of your phone/computer. Delete those emails - or archive them in a folder you will not visit. Delete texts. The reason he has seemingly been doing so well, is because he has actually been following the rules of NC - he's healing and working on getting over you by deleting reminders. You need to be doing the same, and carry on. You're holding on to someone who is trying to be free of you - just think about that. It sounds pathetic. I know this because I was the exact same way, and looking back on it now - I wish someone could have given me the wake up call that I so desperately needed. The only way I gained any sort of perspective was to go away - NC. 1
headinthecloud Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Don't be ashamed of a broken heart. You will heal but you have to forgive yourself. It takes two for the RS to end so don't dwell on the end. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them in the future. You will overcome this but you must go NC and delete all emails and photos of the 2 of you. Box all of them up, store them on USB drive and give them to a trustworthy friend/family member. Just get rid of everything. Then, write a goodbye letter - read it to yourself a few times and then destroy it. Give yourself the closure you need because, and I'll tell you from experience, closure is the white unicorn of breakups...it's a fantasy that lives only in our wildest imagination. You will get through this. Don't be embarrassed. You loved someone deeply and now they're gone. Accept it. Learn to live with the pain and in time it will lessen. Focus all that regret and self-deprecating remorse energy by transforming it into positive thoughts of you. You loved and lost. It's time to let go and be the person you alway wanted to be. Now is the time to get off the couch and get to the gym. Meet new people. You are wonderful. Now believe it and then own it. 1
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I deleted his texts and number last night. I feel very pathetic. It is not registering that he dumped me and wants nothing to do with me and had sex with another woman right after. I feel like I laid down and he stabbed me in the heart over and over again. And i Keep contacting him! What is wrong with me? I can't forget him overnight because I actually LOVED him. He moved on overnight I guess everything he said and we did together was a lie. Sucks. I am a people pleaser. Right before I met him I had cut off practically all my friends because I was tired of being there for everybody and nobody being there for me. So now I just feel so lonely. He was my best friend and basically only friend. Edited January 6, 2015 by girlygirlgames
Dontfindme Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 You're in shock, which is normal. Things will feel unreal right now, and for a while. The way I look at it, things will make sense in time - but until they do, you still have to go with the motions - even when you don't understand why you're going with the motions. The motions = No contact; and not putting your life on hold because of this. It's a brand new year, I'm sure you have goals, or wants/needs - you should be moving forward with them. This is prime time! (It's always prime-time, but the New Year makes it feel a bit more official.) I'm pretty sure I've made my NC point heard enough times by now here, so I'll stop. I hope you find the strength you need, to love yourself enough, to let go. 1
Jimmyjackson Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Put the photos away on a flashdrive, and get them off of your phone/computer. Delete those emails - or archive them in a folder you will not visit. Delete texts. The reason he has seemingly been doing so well, is because he has actually been following the rules of NC - he's healing and working on getting over you by deleting reminders. You need to be doing the same, and carry on. You're holding on to someone who is trying to be free of you - just think about that. It sounds pathetic. I know this because I was the exact same way, and looking back on it now - I wish someone could have given me the wake up call that I so desperately needed. The only way I gained any sort of perspective was to go away - NC. What this person said.... You should follow this advice.
Invictus01 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Let me ask you something... Can you think of something that happened in month #8 that you went from perfect to arguments? Did you by any chance tell him you loved him or generally expressed how much he meant to you for the first time?
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I know i was pushing to move in together which he said he wanted to as well but my gut always knew he kind of felt unsure about... Truth is now i would wait however long it took because we genuinely were such a great fit until i put on all the pressure. Do you think if he knew that he'd change his mind about me or he has just moved on for good? Thank you for all the responses, it truly means so much to me and is slowly helping me get a bit of clarity.
Zahara Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Truth is now i would wait however long it took because we genuinely were such a great fit. You're romanticizing what you had with him. If you both were such a great fit, 8 months in and a couple should be progressing, enjoying the early parts of the relationship and enjoying each other. Instead, very early in and it all started going downhill. - we had been arguing quite a bit. We are both poor communicators (I am afraid of confrontation), he is passive aggressive - He was watching too much porn at one point and had some ED issues. It left me feeling insecure. - He felt I was not giving him his freedom. (I could feel him being less interested the last few months and I showed some neediness). - During fights I would cry, he would not comfort me, he would go out all night, act like a selfish prick any time I brought up an issue. - He constantly turned to messaging girls on fb, logging back onto tinder etc every time we took a mini break - Felt I caused too much 'drama' and would be a hindrance to him achieving his goals in life. - I kept catching him in little lies.....naturally I would get upset! He denies and dismisses everything. 1
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Let me ask you something... Can you think of something that happened in month #8 that you went from perfect to arguments? Did you by any chance tell him you loved him or generally expressed how much he meant to you for the first time? It was about the time we played around with the idea of moving in together etc. He said he was all for it but if i hadn't brought it up i am sure he would not have... I'm curious to hear your thoughts.
Author girlygirlgames Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) You're romanticizing what you had with him. If you both were such a great fit, 8 months in and a couple should be progressing, enjoying the early parts of the relationship and enjoying each other. Instead, very early in and it all started going downhill. - we had been arguing quite a bit. We are both poor communicators (I am afraid of confrontation), he is passive aggressive - He was watching too much porn at one point and had some ED issues. It left me feeling insecure. - He felt I was not giving him his freedom. (I could feel him being less interested the last few months and I showed some neediness). - During fights I would cry, he would not comfort me, he would go out all night, act like a selfish prick any time I brought up an issue. - He constantly turned to messaging girls on fb, logging back onto tinder etc every time we took a mini break - Felt I caused too much 'drama' and would be a hindrance to him achieving his goals in life. - I kept catching him in little lies.....naturally I would get upset! He denies and dismisses everything. You're right it does feel as if i had a blind eye to many red flags. He had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship a few months before we got serious. Maybe he was a good guy but just emotionally unavailable. Sometimes i think he was a narcissist because of how he put me on a pedestal in the beginning and very quickly started acting like i was the enemy....wanting more space from me, going out with buddies to bars more, out of town weekends away with his friends, asking me why i never go out with my friends etc. Towards the end I'd catch him in little white lies and he would get upset and say "If you let me have a little bit of freedom and a life outside the relationship too i wouldn't feel the need to lie!!" Edited January 6, 2015 by girlygirlgames
littlemisshappy Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Hi Girly games Reading through this thread I am struck by how similar your story is to mine. Everything you said was an issue was also an issue in my relationship - even down to watching porn and him randomly saying how i was creating 'drama' just to avoid acknowledging an issue. I have also wondered if he is a narcissist as he put me on a pedastal initially, and then started to shun me, get wieirdly obsessed with random other people and then suddenly I was the enemy. And then he just dropped me and went cold almost overnight. I found out a few days later that it was becasue he had been talking to another girl behind my back and basically getting ready to slide straight from our realtionship into a new one. I am convinced he was a narcissist becaseu everything was alwasy about him - after the initial wooing phase of course where he had to win me over. The only solace I have taken from this is that I am better off without him in my life now. Yes, he ended up being cold and distant and it felt awful, but think of how much that would hurt if you'd invested any more time and emotion with him. Keep up NC - trust me, it works.
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