Love versus Money

[lovely_Dr]

A little about me - I am a 36 year old woman, never married, with one 5 year old son. I have spent the last 17 years of my life chasing a career that I absolutely love as a doctor. I would love to travel the world at some point, meet a financially stable partner, get married, and have a family. I have struggled with meeting men not only on my intellectual level, but also ones that I have some sort of similar interests with.

 

 

I dated my ex (my son's father) for almost 8 years and I have been single for the last 4 years. Our 8 year relationship was extremely challenging, primarily because I became a white collar professional (his words), and he was a blue collar worker (again his words - he was high school educated when I met him, he never pursed anything past that. I had my BS degree when I met him, had a MS and doctorate when we separated). Throughout our 8 year relationship, he cheated on me numerous times and in the end, he became physically and verbally abusive. We were also complete opposites in that I am a country girl and he is a city boy. For most of those 8 years, I gave up all the hobbies that I enjoy such as horseback riding, four wheeling, fishing, hunting, etc because he was not interested in any of those activities. I am now talking to two different men and I've come to an absolute dilemma with what way I want to go.

 

The first man is a country boy, and we share a TON of similar hobbies and interests. He is very sweet and kind BUT we have completely different careers. He is a local, his entire family lives in the area, and he owns his own small business primarily working in the oilfield. Although we share a ton of similar interests, he doesn't care to leave the area, travel, or potentially move away - which my job may require.

 

The second man is a city boy, and although our hobbies are completely opposite, we share a career in the same field (medical) and have a lot in common when it comes to that aspect. He is well traveled, and is open to moving but we don't share any interests (again city vs country).

 

I am torn because I said I would never date another city boy again after I dated my ex. I felt as though I was forced to give up hobbies I enjoyed because he wasn't open to doing any of them with me. Also, dating a man with a career that isn't on the same level as mine has also had its challenges. Men want to be the provider and when they have a lesser job (in their eyes), they often don't feel as if they can compete (although I never saw it this way).

 

My question is......how do I decide between two completely different men? One that has country roots like I do and enjoys the same hobbies as me but likely has no desire to travel or move vs. a city guy that shares the same career path as me (and financial stability), loves to travel the world (as I would like to do), yet we lack similar hobbies and outside experiences.

 

Both men have never been married, and neither have kids. One is 39 and one is 40.

 

I don't want to sound like money is a deal breaker but I do want someone that is financially stable like myself. Am I being too picky?? I was unhappy for the 8 years with my ex because I gave up hobbies I enjoyed and didn't want to do them alone. We also argued about money every single day! He loved to spend it, I loved to save it (eventually I knew that would lead to bigger problems when I started making 6 figures and he continued to make around 45k/year). Would I be better to go with a man that equally matches me financially (allowing us to do all the things we want to do) or with someone that makes much less but shares interests?

 

Love vs Money or can you have both??

Edited January 5, 2015 by lovely_Dr

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Absent all the lists, what is your elemental balance point with companionship; your relationship style? IMO, compatible relationship styles, along with compatible personalities, are paramount to successful relations.

 

As an example of one style, if both you and your partner were quite comfortable with rarely seeing each other, focusing on your equally important careers with the passion which impels you both to success, and playing hard when you play, that would be one example of synergy.

 

I mention this because you're early in your career and the doctors I know, including the one I dated, are quite consumed with their careers, not because of being self-absorbed but rather because being a medical professional at that level takes a lot of time and focus.

 

Having been the country boy (Ha, I even worked in oilfield services as kid before going into machine work), regardless of similarities in hobbies, and even if having an interest in travel, which I've personally done a lot of all over the world, I still feel the city guy is a better match, presuming you and he are equally comfortable with your individually focused careers and he with you being a doctor with a child, which adds even more to your plate. I say that irrespective of income and lifestyle (socio-economic strata). I have plenty of neighbors who'll never be concerned with money again in their lives but would be lousy partners for a city doctor with a child. If they wanted to fly to Australia for Sydney Fest (this week!), you'd be working and the kid would be in pre-school/school. Everything would have to be planned around your career.

 

My best friend's daughter faces this all the time, being married 25 years to a medical professional. Their marriage revolves around his career with Kaiser. She likes the lifestyle just fine but the constraints on freedom to go and do wear on her because, well, she likes to have her companion and husband along. If she didn't care, it'd be perfect.

 

My vote is date the city guy in the medical field and see how it goes.

[Country_Girl]

Why does it have to be either?

 

I say continue to date others, sounds like there are some deal breakers for you in the mix. I have a feeling if u continue to date either one of them you will later resent it (and them).

 

It's good to have some diversity, nobody wants to date themselves- but maybe you could find someone with both qualities you are looking for. Sounds like, in your mind, you would be settling. I say, see what else is out there.

[BluEyeL]

You have to choose the one that has the same VALUES as you and can adapt to your life (in terms of location). Interests are secondary. You should keep your own interests, couples shouldn't be glued at the hip.